“It’s not that,” I said again. “Things have just been hard.”
“Hard?” McCullers laughed. “Yeah, I bet they have. Carrying around all that guilt can’t be easy.”
“Guilt?” I felt my face flush.
“We all know what really happened that night,” McCullers spat.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I turned away, my head spinning with anger and intoxication. I couldn’t believe McCullers would dare talk about that op.
“Yes, you do,” McCullers said. He grabbed my shoulder and spun me around to face him. He got in my face, spit flying in my eyes as he spoke. “We all know why Young died, Alexander. You should have been there. You were the closest and you let him die. You just let him…”
Fuck him.
When my fist hit his face, I barely knew what happened. I connected with his jaw and his head jerked to the side. I didn’t wait for him to fight back. I tackled him to the ground, knocking a chair over as we went. We landed hard. McCullers rolled us over and pinned me down. He punched me twice before I kicked him off me and threw him to the ground. My foot connected with his stomach and I felt him curl inward. The satisfaction I felt was so great that I kicked him again. And again. Until someone I didn’t know pulled me away from him.
I struggled against the arms that held me, kicking wildly.
“Get out of here!” the bartender yelled. “Both of you!”
I was carried out into the parking lot and thrown onto the ground. It wasn’t long before McCullers was thrown next to me. I scrambled to my feet and immediately put some distance between us. The fight was over. We didn’t need to throw anymore punches.
McCullers glared at me while his buddies patted him on the back and led him away. I watched as they disappeared across the parking lot. I glanced down at my hand and saw that it was bleeding. I cursed and wrapped it tightly in my shirt. When I looked back up, Piper was standing in front of me with a look of fury on her face.
“Piper,” I began. I had almost forgotten about her completely. “I can explain.”
“Save it,” she spat. She stormed past me. I turned and ran after her.
“Stop!” I said. “Please, just listen. You don’t understand.”
“Oh, I understand perfectly, Logan,” she yelled. She turned on me and took a step forward. Her eyes were on fire with rage and alcohol. “This is just who you are! Right when things start to get good again, you screw it up! You start throwing punches in bars! Beating the crap out of random strangers and…”
“He wasn’t random!” I screamed. “You have no idea what you’re talking about!”
“The hell he wasn’t!” she screamed back. “I can’t believe I fell for your crap again!”
“Will you just listen to me?” I begged. “Please. I can explain. I know that guy, okay? We were in the SEALS together. On the same team and…”
“So, you were fighting with someone you served with?!” Piper demanded. “What the hell is wrong with you?! What kind of person have you become?”
“I don’t know!”
I felt my entire body shake. My blood was boiling as I remembered the things McCullers said inside Kellan’s. His words hit me harder than anything ever had. He finally put into words exactly how I’d felt since the night Young died. No one knew how much that night tore me apart. Even my own team members thought I was responsible. I always thought it was my fault, but after my confrontation with McCullers, I knew I was right.
“I’m going home,” Piper announced. She looked at me with disgust and shook her head. “Don’t follow me. Don’t ever speak to me again.”
“Piper!” I called after her as she hurried down the street. I moved to follow her, but my legs weren’t strong enough to hold me. After everything that happened that night, I couldn’t stand for another second. I collapsed on the asphalt and rolled onto my back.
As I stared up at the stars, the world around me spun and my stomach heaved uncomfortably. I rolled over and vomited. When I was done, I laid my head back down and closed my eyes.
“Alexander, you look like shit, man.”
I heard Young’s voice in my head as clearly as if he was laying right beside me. The tears began to flow.
“Get up,” he said. “You’re already pathetic enough without passing out in front of a bar. Just get up.”
“I can’t,” I said out loud. “I can’t do it anymore, Young.”
“You have to,” his voice whispered.
“Why?” I asked. My voice cracked with emotion.
“Because you lived, man,” he told me. “You lived.
Twenty- Two
Piper
I woke up the next morning with a pounding headache, but it wasn’t from the alcohol. Immediately, I remembered everything that happened the night before. Having sex with Logan in the bathroom. Feeling like I could never want anyone more than I wanted him. Then, the waves of guilt that washed over me as I remembered how our daughter had been conceived.
Logan still didn’t know that Lillianna existed. We were falling for each other all over again and I hadn’t told him the most important part of my life… I hated myself for it.
When I left the bathroom, I was ready to tell him everything. I felt bold and confident after the five drinks and the orgasm. I knew I could tell him the truth and I knew he would understand. But, when I saw him tackle that man everything changed.
I stood back and watched as he pummeled some random guy. There was blood everywhere. People tried to break them apart, but it took a few tries before they could pry Logan off him. I felt sick just watching the way Logan’s face twisted with rage and violence. The strong, muscular body I knew so well was being used for something I hated. He was hurting someone senselessly.
After everything Logan and I had been through, I didn’t think there was anything that could tear us apart again.
I was wrong.
Seeing Logan fight that way made me regret every single moment I had spent back in Bradberry. I stormed down the street and didn’t slow down until I reached my parents’ house. By the time I feel asleep that night, I had decided to leave the next morning.
When I woke up, I knew that wasn’t fair to my family. They had a huge barbecue planned for the next day. Everyone was going to be there to see me one last time before I left for New York. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t blow them off.
Instead, I took a shower and cooked breakfast for Lillianna. After she ate, I drove her to Audra’s house and dropped her off to play.
“You okay?” Jack asked when he answered the door.
“I’m great,” I said. “Lili just wanted to play with her cousins. Is that alright?”
“Of course,” he smiled. “Come on in, Lili bug.”
“Thanks, Uncle Jack!” Lili ran through the door and hurried upstairs to the playroom. I could hear her cousins squeal with delight when they saw her. I smiled and turned my attention back to Jack.
“I should go,” I said. “I’ll pick her up in a few hours.”
“Hey,” he called. “What’s up?”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“You’re upset,” he said with a matter-of-fact tone. “What happened? Did Logan do something?”
“No,” I shook my head. “I just… I let myself believe in the fairytale. I was wrong.”
“If you need to talk,” he said softly.
“Thanks,” I waved sadly and made my back to the car.
After driving around town aimlessly for almost an hour, I decided to just go back to my parents’ place and rest for a while. My body hadn’t recovered from the previous night and I knew I would need my energy to play with Lili later.
When I pulled into my parents’ driveway, I felt my stomach sink. Logan was sitting on the front steps with his head in his hands. I didn’t know how long he’d been waiting, but I knew my parents were gone for the day. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to turn around and drive all the way back to New York.
�
��What do you want?” I asked when I got out of the car. Logan jumped to his feet and walked over to me. We stood facing each other in the front yard. I crossed my arms and waited for his answer.
“I need to talk to you,” he said weakly. His eyes were red. He looked terrible.
“I don’t have anything to say to you, Logan.”
“Then just listen,” he begged. “Please.”
I didn’t agree, but I didn’t tell him to leave. I stood silently with my arms crossed and waited impatiently for him to say whatever it was he so badly needed to say.
“Last night,” he began. “That fight was… it was complicated.”
“Complicated?” I snapped. “Yeah. Okay.”
“It was,” he insisted. I could tell he was trying to stay calm. “That guy, McCullers, and I were on the same SEAL team. Me, him, Young, and Hansen. We did over a hundred ops together. We were seamless. We could move without thinking, communicate without speaking. We were brothers. More than brothers. It’s hard to explain, but we were connected in a really intense way.”
Logan took a breath and closed his eyes. For the first time, I noticed that his hands were shaking. My instincts told me to step forward and touch him, but I forced myself to fight the urge. I was still angry about everything.
“We were on an op,” he said slowly. “I can’t get into the specifics. I’m duty bound to stay silent about it, but that night… things went wrong. We were all separated which is never ideal, but it was essential for the mission. I heard gunshots. I ran as fast as I could, but I was too late. By the time we found Young… he was already half dead. We couldn’t save him.”
I sucked in a breath and listened more intently. All my anger disappeared.
“Last night,” he continued. “McCullers was drunk. We both were. He said some stuff he shouldn’t have. He blamed me for what happened to Young, which is something I’ve been doing every day for the past four months. But, when McCullers said it, I just lost it. I didn’t even know what I was doing until it was over. I shouldn’t have hit him, I know that. Piper, I’m sorry you had to see that. That’s not something I ever wanted you to witness. I’m not that person. I’m not the kind of guy who gets in random bar fights. I was just…”
“Angry,” I said softly.
“Guilty,” he corrected. “I can’t shake the thought that I should have done more. If I had moved faster, ran harder, then maybe I could have saved him. I should have saved him.”
“It’s not your fault,” I said immediately. I took a step closer to him and touched his shoulder gently. “You did everything you could, Logan. It wasn’t your fault.”
“I feel like it is,” he said weakly. “I’m trying to move past it, but it’s hard. Hearing McCullers blame me like that…”
“He didn’t mean it,” I said quickly. “There’s no way he meant it. He was just drunk and sad. I’m sure he’s struggling with everything just like you are.”
“I know he is,” Logan nodded. “But hearing him say that turned me into a different person. I became my worst nightmare. I never want to feel that way again.”
“I know,” I said. I watched Logan’s face and saw his eyes fill with tears. He hung his head and I immediately pulled him in for a hug. I held him tightly, wishing I could take away every ounce of pain he felt.
“Piper,” Logan said. He pushed me away gently so he could look in my eyes. “I came here to explain myself, to tell you what happened last night, but that’s not all. There’s something I wanted to say too.”
“What is it?” I asked. The look on Logan’s face made my stomach flip nervously. He was staring at me with so much emotion that it threatened to overwhelm me.
“I have to get out of here,” he said. “This town. This place. I need to leave. I can’t explain it, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to, but I feel like I’m drowning here. Ever since I came back, I’ve been telling myself that it’s for the best. I thought it would help me heal, but it’s just done the opposite. I think what I need to do, is leave.”
I nodded and said, “I can understand that. I’ve felt that way before.”
“I’m not finished,” Logan said quickly. “I want to leave. I have to leave. But, I want you to come with me.”
“What?” I asked. I took a step backward and frowned.
“Run away with me,” he said. He was speaking fast. Too fast. “Let’s just pack up and bail. You can call your office and say you’re taking a leave of absence or something. We can just go.”
“Where?” I asked.
“Anywhere,” he said. I could feel the excitement bubbling off him. “Everywhere. We can just start driving and see what happens. I have to leave, Piper, but I don’t want to leave you. I can’t leave you. Not again.”
“Logan,” I began. “It’s not that simple. I can’t just…”
“You can!” he said. He smiled and took my hands in his. “Piper, I love you so much. I have always, always been in love with you. These past few years without you have been awful. Even when I felt like I was doing exactly what I was meant to do, something was missing. I didn’t feel complete and that’s because you weren’t there. I need you with me. You’re the woman I’m supposed to be with. I knew the second I saw you again. Deep down, I’ve always known it.”
“Logan…”
“No,” he said. “I know you feel it, too. You can’t tell me you don’t. I know you love me.”
“I do,” I said quickly. “I do love you, Logan. And I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions last night. I really am, but that doesn’t change the fact that I can’t just run away with you.”
“Why not?” he demanded. “Give me one good reason why you can’t.”
“Work,” I said simply. “I have a job. One that I love.”
“You can be a lawyer anywhere!” he said.
“You know that’s not true,” I argued. “Logan, I’ve worked so hard to get where I am now. You can’t ask me to give that up.”
“But I am,” he said. “I am because I love you and you love me. Our life together could be amazing. More than amazing. It could be everything we’ve always wanted it to be. I know it can.”
“I feel the same way,” I said. “But…”
“No” he argued. “Just stop. Stop thinking of reasons why you can’t do this and start listening to your heart.”
“I am,” I argued.
“You aren’t!” he half yelled. “If you were, you would know that our love is something that only happens once in a lifetime. We have to fight for it! There’s nothing more than important than us. Nothing.”
“Yes,” I said firmly. “There is.”
“What?” he demanded.
“Our daughter.”
Twenty- Three
Piper
The words left my lips and hit Logan’s ears like a brick. I could see his entire demeanor change. He sunk into himself. His eyes darkened and his face lost all color. His breathing stopped almost completely as he stood staring at me in shock.
“What did you just say?” he asked.
I took a deep breath and tried to explain.
“When you left,” I said. “I was pregnant. I didn’t know it at the time. That night, I only knew that my heart was breaking. A week later, I found out I was pregnant.”
“Oh my god…”
“I didn’t know what to do,” I continued. “Or, what I should do, but I knew I had to decide fast. I talked to my mom and to Audra. They both supported me. They said they would stand by me no matter what decision I made. When I decided to give the baby up, it was the hardest decision I ever made. I was six months along when I asked Audra to adopt the baby. I didn’t even know if it was a boy or girl. I couldn’t bear the thought of knowing and then having to give her up. Audra said she would keep her. She held me while I cried over it and she was there in the room when I gave birth.”
“So, Audra has our child?” Logan asked. His voice was soft, but I could hear the anger bubbling beneath the surface.
“
No,” I shook my head. “When she was born, I held her. I held her for a long time and then they took her away. The second she left the room I knew I made a huge mistake. I started screaming and sobbing. I yelled as loud as I could until Audra and my mom came running into the room. I told them I made a mistake, that I wanted to keep my baby. They thought I was just emotional and sleep deprived. They wanted me to sleep on it, but I didn’t need any more time. I knew the second I saw her that I couldn’t lose her. She was mine.”
“Ours,” Logan corrected with a glare. “She is OURS. How the hell could you keep this from me?”
“I thought about telling you a thousand times,” I said. “But you were gone and I didn’t know how. I didn’t know what you would say or how you would react.”
“That doesn’t matter!” he said. “I had a right to know I was a father.”
“Would it have changed anything?” I demanded. “Would you have left the SEALs to be a dad?”
“What I would or wouldn’t have done isn’t the point, Piper,” he said. “You kept my child from me for five years! How could you do that?”
“I was scared.”
The truth felt like an excuse, but I said it anyway. Logan watched my face and knew I wasn’t lying. He saw how terrified I was back then. In that moment, he felt all my fear and pain.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” he said softly. “For you. For her.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” I said. “That wasn’t fair.”
“What’s her name?” he asked. He glanced behind me, looking at the front door as if he only just realized where he was. “Is she here?”
“She’s at Audra’s playing with her cousins for a few hours,” I said. “Her name is Lillianna. Lillianna Marie.”
“Marie?” Logan asked, his eyes widened in surprise.
“After your mother,” I nodded. “You know I always loved her.”
“You didn’t tell...” he began.
“Your parents?” I asked. “Of course not. Do you really think they would have kept that from you?”
“Maybe,” he shrugged. “If you had asked them to.”
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