A Tear in the Veil

by Patrick Loveland

  He takes a break so it doesn’t end too soon and opens his bottle of pomegranate tea. Tasty.

  Felix looks around the dining area. Delores from the TV area before still looks half asleep. He learned some names when Peggy handed out the meals. She picks at her spaghetti and meatballs.

  Mitch is forcing down some Portobello mushroom because Peggy is watching him. Felix figures there’s an agreement that he can’t go on smoke breaks if he doesn’t eat at least a little something. Mitch bothers Felix. He can’t place why. Painkillers are making him fuzzy and this ward thing is all pretty new to him.

  Felix glances over his shoulder at Shasta and Candy, the “hotties”. It surprised him that only one of them is a known hooker. Candy, Jesse said. Probably not her real name, but who knows?

  She’s probably pushing forty depending on how much twack she’s done. Not unattractive if she is that old. If she is into crystal, though, she could be twenty-five and look like that and that would be no bueno.

  Shasta is Jesse’s barely legal crush. Cute, stupid, and easily influenced. Looks like a runaway and/or gutter punk girl. So far, it seems like Candy has a motherly thing going with her. Felix wonders if Shasta’s sisters Tab and Rite will be coming to visiting hours.

  That might make Jesse’s head explode.

  Jesse ate real fast and left the dining room just as Felix was limping up on his crutch. He figures Jesse had some tension to work off after watching the hotties eat or maybe he just couldn’t leave the toilet unattended.

  Flushing the toilet every thirty seconds is serious business. It’s kind of like that show with the guy who has to keep pressing a button on a computer every some odd amount time or who knows what’ll happen.

  A slight, young white man enters the dining room and makes his way to the meal cart. He has pale blue eyes and his platinum blonde hair is trimmed into a kind of short mullet/faux-hawk hybrid. He has thin, blonde facial hair that isn’t groomed. Felix figures he’s been here for a bit.

  Peggy looks at the stylish clock with the glowing blue numbers on the wall.

  “Rudy, you just made it. Try to make it in for lunch earlier tomorrow okay, hon?”

  Rudy just looks at her.

  “Salmon, spaghetti with meatballs, or Portobello–”

  “Spaghetti,” Rudy says.

  Peggy hands him the sealed package. Felix watches Rudy walk around the tables and sit in the back corner. As he’s sitting down, Rudy notices Felix watching him. He settles on Felix’s blue eye. He gives Felix the finger and holds it in the air until Felix looks away.

  Felix drowns his embarrassment in lovely glazed salmon and pome- granate tea.

  Felix leans on his crutch as he waits behind Delores in a line for medicine. Peggy stands by a cart with a clipboard handing out little paper cups of pills and plastic cups of water.

  Delores takes her pills with the water and languidly starts toward the TV area.

  “Delores,” Peggy says.

  Delores looks back at her. Peggy gestures her back with a finger. Delores returns, opens her mouth, and Peggy scans the inside of her mouth with a small LED flashlight. Delores lifts her tongue and moves it around.

  “Thanks, dear.”

  Delores heads for the TV area.

  Felix hops up to Peggy and leans on his crutch again.

  “How are your shoulder and ankle?” Peggy asks.

  “Painkillers from earlier are wearing off a bit but I’ll be fine until tomorrow.”

  “If you’re sure.”

  He nods.

  “Okay. Just these then.”

  She hands him a little pill cup and holds the water cup up in front of him. He takes the pill cup but doesn’t try to hide his confusion.

  “I just got here today.”

  “Uh huh,” Peggy says, still pleasant.

  “I haven’t even seen the doctor yet. How could I have a prescription?”

  “If Doctor Fleischmann had you transferred here, this is your prescription. He’s very good at what he does. You are in the best possible hands.”

  Felix looks down into the little cup.

  There is a circular pill and a long blue pill. The circular pill is black with a small white dot in the center. He tilts the cup and shifts the pills. The circular pill flips over the blue one. On the rounded outer ring of the circular pill, it becomes white and the other side has a black dot in the center.

  “What are they?” Felix asks.

  “The black and white pill is called Harmonia. The other is just to help you sleep.”

  It hits Felix that he hadn’t even considered taking medicine. It makes complete sense, but it just didn’t occur to him. He isn’t thrilled about the idea.

  Then he remembers the whole glitching, bubbling distortion inferno face with Audrey’s body thing.

  Felix tips the pills into his mouth and takes the water cup from Peggy. He rolls the pills around in his mouth, still a little hesitant.

  He swallows them with the water and lets Peggy look in his mouth with her little flashlight.

  Felix sits in the TV area one row in front of Delores. They watch a documentary about Cotton Candy production. Riveting. Well, normally it would be.

  Ray’s loud knocking wakes Felix up.

  “Breakfast in fifteen, squares!” Ray bellows.

  He wasn’t kidding about not missing breakfast. Man, that sleeping pill worked wonders.

  He feels completely rested. He must not have been getting enough.

  Felix looks over at Jesse. He looks like he’s been up all night and just jumped in bed.

  Ray moves on and Felix hears him repeating his wake up process down the hall.

  Jesse gets up and creeps into the bathroom then shuts the door.

  Felix hears the toilet flush and shakes his head.

  It should be a felony to waste that much water in California. Anywhere, really, but California is a delicate setup.

  Careful not to hurt his shoulder, Felix sits up and slides his legs out of the bed and rests his feet on the floor. He feels something by his foot and looks down. His shoes are next to the bed.

  The laces have been removed.

  For the first time since the restraint setup in the entry area, Felix is reminded of where he is and how serious it can get. It’s not a bed and breakfast. It’s not a hotel.

  Breakfast is as tasty as dinner. Blackberry cream cheese crepes, fluffy egg whites, buttery, flakey scones, and melon slices. Tea with milk and honey. He doesn’t see any coffee but it’s probably best not to excite the excited, so that makes sense.

  Rudy is in the same corner. Felix avoids looking anywhere near him. Candy stabs at Shasta’s melon slices. Shasta doesn’t seem to care.

  Sasha Menlo wears a lime green suit today. She seems distracted as she leads the patients in group therapy.

  Preoccupied with something?

  Group therapy consists of Shasta and Candy trying to out-cry each other while describing how their lives have been damaged by delusions and hallucinations. Shasta’s floating bugs and dark shapes in the sky. Candy’s monsters on flying cars and black vents that spit out mind control gas.

  Felix listens and daydreams, his mental images informed by the madness of the hotties. Rudy is silent. Mitch’s eyes dart around, probably desperate for a smoke. If Delores is awake Felix would be surprised. Jesse is almost as distracted as Mitch for different reasons.

  Oh, here we go.

  Shasta is on to her cutting problem now. You see, the bugs can go through things. She had to know if they could be inside her.

  Ray gently knocks on the therapy room doorframe.

  “Excuse me, Doctor Menlo. Doctor Fleischmann is here and he would like to speak with Felix.”

  Sasha Menlo brightens visibly at the mention of ‘the man himself.’

  “Of course,” she says.

  Doctor Fleischmann clears his throat and scans over his notes again. He sets the notepad aside, uncrosses his legs, and leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees an
d partially interlacing his fingers. His tone is soothing.

  “Everything you have told me today has reinforced my initial impressions and helped me form a more accurate diagnosis.”

  “Okay,” Felix says.

  “You have just experienced the effects of an acute schizophrenic episode… a kind of ‘break’ as some call it. This can manifest in the teens and into the twenties while your brain chemistry is still developing and changing consistently. Even later, in some cases. Your father’s issues and regrettable suicide show family history. This is not something you should be ashamed of or blame yourself for. And with the right medicine you shouldn’t ever have another episode like this one.”

  “I understand. I’m confused, though…”

  “Yes?”

  “Why do I feel normal?” Felix asks. “I feel the same and it’s just Audrey that’s been… well, strange to me.”

  Doctor Fleischmann leans back and crosses his legs again.

  “That is a good question, actually. That is the reason you were brought to this particular facility. What you have is a very specific form of schizophrenia. I have been working on it almost exclusively for years now. I call it situational schizo-dissocia.”

  Felix feels ever so fortunate to have an extra special form of an already debilitating mental illness. Felix decides to thank the hell out of his dad someday if he happens to be wrong about the whole religion and afterlife thing.

  “What does that mean? Like it’s not all the time?”

  “It begins with a focus. It is usually based on some form of trauma. Your focus is Audrey.”

  “Why?”

  “The source will take more study and therapy to deduce. Right now, treatment is paramount. Untreated, it would eventually spread, perverting and warping the whole of your perception. Hallucinations. Paranoia. That is why I spearheaded the development of Harmonia. It’s a revolutionary new combination of specialized anti-psychotic and anti-anxiety medicines with a twist of–”

  “Will I have to take it for the rest of my life?”

  The doctor blinks and flexes his jaw a bit. He doesn’t like being interrupted, Felix assumes. Most people don’t, but there’s a flash of actual emotion in his eyes for just the slightest instant, then it’s gone. Fleischmann takes a breath and lets it out.

  “Honestly, it is quite possible that you will have to, yes. Although, I believe it is preferable to the alternative. Wouldn’t you say that is so, Felix?” He seems back to his tranquil self.

  “How long am I going to be here, doctor?” Felix asks.

  “Currently, you are here for a seventy-two hour evaluation hold. However, I would recommend–”

  “Can I stay longer?”

  Doctor Fleischmann’s jaw twinges slightly but his expression is more curious than angry.

  “Longer? That is a new one. Other than Mr. Oldham, but his motives are obviously not about treatment.”

  “How long does it take for the medicine to kick in?” Felix asks.

  “It varies. About three to four weeks for the full benefit.”

  “Can I stay that long?”

  “Why so eager to stay, Felix?”

  Felix thinks about how to put it.

  “I… I don’t want to see Audrey until the medicine is working. Or talk to her.”

  Doctor Fleischmann considers this.

  “I see… Yes. I will explain the situation to Audrey discreetly. I will take responsibility for the idea so as to avoid any animosity toward you. For now, just relax and keep taking the medicine.”

  “Thanks, doctor. I appreciate it.”

  “Not at all. I usually have to fight patients to stay here as long as is needed.”

  Felix waits his turn in the pill line, then hops up to Peggy. He takes the pills without hesitation and downs them with the cup of water.

  He feels better than he has since this all started. He just wants things to go back to normal. The medicine is his ticket.

  The next day, Ray leads the group in a bonding and/or stress-reduction game Felix has decided to think of as “beanbag therapy.”

  This involves throwing square-cut beanbags through holes on a large, colorfully painted wooden board on a stand. The holes are different sizes. The top is probably five inches in diameter. Below that, seven. Bottom hole, nine or ten.

  Delores is up and she is predictably terrible at beanbag therapy. They must be giving her a strong sedative with her Harmonia because every time she throws a beanbag, it falls just short of the board. No, scratch that. With her last beanbag, she just barely hits the board on the right side near the floor. She looks a bit frustrated through the haze of drugs as she waddles back to her seat.

  Felix is next. He does better than Delores but not by as much as he thought he would. Yeah, he hits the board every time and has better aim overall, but getting the beanbags to actually go through the holes proves a challenge.

  Out of his five shots, the first three litter the base of the board on his side. Then he gets one into the big bottom hole. The last one gets stuck in the middle hole, straddling it.

  It’s just taunting me.

  Some beans inside it shift and the beanbag drops out of the hole on Felix’s side, flopping onto the other failures below.

  9

  Felix lies on the bed in his room reading a book of haikus he found in the nightstand drawer under a white Gideon’s Bible and another Gideon’s with a blue digital camouflage cover some Navy guy must have left here.

  So far, his favorite is about resting beneath cherry blossoms during a journey. He’s not quite sure why he likes it so much but he does. It’s pleasant and tranquil and all that but there’s something else. His mind wanders to cherry blossoms. A falling storm of light petals swirling down around a long, lovely female form topped with a wild half-mane of black and blue–

  The toilet flushes in the closed bathroom. Felix hears a muffled “Ha!” through the door. Jesse opens the door and comes out. He’s more relaxed than Felix has seen him.

  Jesse flops on the bed, exhausted.

  Felix rests the book on his chest.

  “You finished just in time for visiting hours.”

  “Kid, I get visitors all day, hours or not,” Jesse says, his voice muffled by the comforter his face is half buried in.

  There’s a knock outside the door. Peggy pokes her head in.

  “Felix, uh… Hero and Kerry are here to see you?”

  “Really? Okay, I’ll be out in a minute.”

  He sets the haiku book down and gets up carefully then limps down the hall on his crutch.

  Hirofumi and Kaori are sitting in chairs near the main doors speaking quietly to each other in Japanese. Felix looks at the restraint rooms. The doors are closed and lights off. Good.

  Wouldn’t want to worry them… more.

  Kaori notices Felix first and squeezes Hirofumi’s thigh and nods toward him. Hiro turns and looks over and his face lights up. They stand and hurry over to him. They each give him a hug, careful not to squeeze his shoulder too hard.

  Hirofumi laughs and says, “You look like shit, man! You are all busted! Does your arm still work?”

  “It’s getting better.”

  “Where are your shoestrings?” Kaori asks, looking down at his shoes.

  “I guess they take them so you can’t hang yourself with them?” Felix says, not realizing how bad it sounds until he’s finished. He lets out a nervous chuckle.

  Hirofumi nudges Kaori with his elbow and makes a sound of disapproval. She shrugs and grunts softly as if to say, “I didn’t know.”

  “Enough of that. We came to cheer you up!” Hirofumi says.

  “Sorry. Thanks for coming, guys. Hey, let’s go out in the park thing. I haven’t been out there at all.”

  “Park?” Hirofumi asks.

  “It’s like a big patio… You can smoke.”

  They both nod in approval.

  “Sorry about your shoes,” Kaori says, still a bit embarrassed.

  “Doesn’
t bother me. I’m no danger,” Felix says. She smiles, cautious but hopeful.

  Hirofumi and Kaori follow Felix around the central area, through the common room, and out through the propped open patio doors.

  Once again, Ray was not kidding.

  The patio is like a small park. It’s only as wide as the ward interior, but it’s longer.

  The “park” is actually several small artificial islands in a large pond connected by ancient looking step stone bridges. The islands are covered in landscaped grass and have abstract rock sculptures here and there. There are nice benches and tasteful ashtrays on each island as well. Beautiful, colorful Koi fish swim lazily through the pond all around. A shallow bamboo forest lines artificial banks, which border the entire rectangular area, the trees, placed meticulously to look naturally arranged. The facility walls just past the trees are mirrored, giving the illusory effect of almost endless depth containing millions of ponds. The trees and mirrors stretch up to the edge of the roof. The trees peak a bit up over it, actually, and they sway a bit in the breeze.

  Hirofumi mutters something in Japanese about his grandfather’s house.

  “Yeah, this whole place is pretty slick. Makes sense they’d go all out on a glorified smoking patio. It’s like they’re trying to win an award,” Felix says.

  He chuckles and starts down a path to an island on the left. He’s afraid he might jam his crutch between the stepping-stones but he quickly realizes there is something like clear resin between them. The illusion of danger and freedom. I guess I could still fall into the hip-deep water and drown… if I were knocked unconscious or something, Felix thinks and he chuckles.

  They reach the smooth wooden bench and Felix and Kaori sit. Hirofumi watches koi swim past the shore of the island as he takes out a pack of those “Double Happiness” cigarettes he gets in Chinatown. He takes two out and lights them together with his worn blue zippo. When he offers one to Kaori, she shakes her head. Hirofumi shrugs.