The Raven & The Wolf
© 2021, Melissa Rodriguez.
All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
Print ISBN: 978-1-09837-7-618
eBook ISBN: 978-1-09837-7-625
Contents
Personal Poems
Fiction & Quotes
The Raven & The Wolf
May the Wolf guide you along your path, and steer you away from danger. As it teaches you to trust your heart, and your soul through the many decisions you will face in your life.
As the Raven watches from above, and protects you from harm. Teaching you their wisdom, and intelligence from the life that they have seen from above.
May these two connect together to give you the strength, and wisdom to guide you through your life.
Dear Reader,
May the words that have been written within these pages speak to you in a way that you wish.
This book will be a path of happiness, sadness, love, and fiction. Welcome to my mind and thank you for joining me on this journey.
Personal
Poems
Here are a collection of poems of the experiences I have been through. The feelings that I have kept locked down deep. It’s time that I unlocked these doors that have kept these feelings at bay, and let the words write themselves to heal the pain from within.
The Writer
The mind of the spirit that flows through these words, that speaks what the mouth cannot.
Laying ink upon this paper as if the pen was taken from one’s heart.
Writing its words that come from deep within, as if you are painting your soul with each stroke of your pen.
You fill these blank pages with every fiber of who you are, laying your life upon each page as you sacrifice your heart.
Eight was the age that everything changed for me.
You see that night is something I remember, and carry with me like an invisible backpack that no one can see. For that day was the day I saw the darkness in people.
For that was the day I saw everything get taken from us by a man I once called my stepdad.
You see at that young of an age I didn’t quite understand what was happening, but as I grew older I understood what had happened.
The details of that day I overheard have registered in my brain and it hit me like a train.
To know while I was watching a Disney movie with my stepbrother that my mother was in the room behind me fighting for her life.
As my stepdad tied a rope around her neck trying to take the light from her eyes. I watched as the police did nothing, but stand by as he took everything.
From there it was like my mind turned off trying to shield me from the rest of that night.
For the next thing, I remembered was being in a truck with my mom and her friend on a road to Vegas.
But you see that day created a fracture within my soul that I never knew happened. A fracture that grew within years that now leaves my soul in shattered pieces.
I have seen so much over that time to know what that type of violence does to a person’s soul that I would never what to damage the person I love, and put them through the exact same pain.
Silence
Be silent when he’s on the phone.
Be silent when he’s studying.
Be silent unless someone is talking to you.
Be silent to protect yourself.
Be silent when he’s angry.
Do not speak, do not show emotion, tell white lies to keep yourself safe.
This is what I was taught at such a young age that it has made it difficult to use my voice as an adult. Which also made me scared to speak the truth in fear of what could happen.
Silence is what I have been taught and silence is what I need to break.
Wasted Time
Wasted Memories
Wasted Money
Wasted Feelings
Wasted these things just to have that moment of bliss that never lasted.
Lifeline
“Can you call my lifeline because I give up” How many of us have needed this type of call?
The call that wakes us up from that deep depression we feel on the inside.
The type of call that helps us take a step back from that ledge.
This type of call can come in many ways and is sometimes not from the people we hold close to us.
It can come from a song that we connect with, from a quote or poem that we have read, from a show that we are watching, and even from a podcast that we are listening to.
For myself I know I have needed this type of call many times before and have received it in various ways.
Each time this call brought life back into my soul and shattered the doubt that fueled my depression.
Once that doubt was shattered I realized that I can overcome anything depression brings onto the battlefield.
As I stand here frozen in fear watching as it gracefully walks by as if its floating across this wooden floor.
I watch as you turn your head and we lock eyes right before you fade away into the other room.
Those eyes that have stuck with me for years to come as they were a scarlet red.
I can see that you are trying to figure me out, watching my every move to see if you can read me like a book, but these pages are closed and locked down tight.
As we make eye contact I can see that you are searching to see if my eyes will be a gateway to who I really am.
Don’t they say that a person’s eyes are the windows to their soul, but when you look into my eyes can you see my demons swimming around in my darkness.
Can you see the battle that wages on in my mind and soul. You will never be able to see that because I will only show you the pages that I want you to see.
You trying to figure me out is like trying to open Pandora’s box.
Once you open it, it can never be closed
and you will be surrounded by the demons that have plagued my mind since the beginning of time that has been locked away for quite some time.
Roots are what connect you to your culture.
Roots are what connect you to your ancestors.
Roots make up the very essence of who you are.
But what do you do when you have never been taught about your roots?
Feeling as if you don’t belong in either world.
Feeling as if you can’t connect to others who are the same as you.
Being disregarded because one of your parents had decided not to teach you their language.
Being left in the dark feeling as if you may never belong.
Roots that have never been connected, but have been severed.
Fighting on your own to figure out what these roots are and what they could have been if they were just connected at a young age.
LOVE
Is such a powerful word that we use on a daily basis
You say it to your mother, father, and siblings.
You say it to your sons and daughters.
You say it to your closest friends.
And most of all you say it to your wives, husbands, girlfriends, and boyfriends.
The first three are the ways that I use the word love, and the last one is a feeling that is foreign to me.
You see I’ve never really seen that type of love or have been around it.
I have seen false love and damaging love.
A love that was never true and a love that left you broken.
I have seen love being mistaken for lust.
Love that left you with bruises, and a love so strong that it left yo
u crippled, to think that you can’t live without it.
Being around these types of love since a young age has left me terrified to ever truly be in love. That once I get close to it, I turn and run as fast as I can.
For you see I have fallen victim to those types of love and have seen those close to me fall victim as well.
So, my love is protected by a thick wall that even a bullet couldn’t penetrate it.
Because I fear that if l truly let you in and fall in love with you that one-day ill fall victim again to the lies that come with that four letter word LOVE.
Depression calls out to me like an old friend I haven’t seen in ages.
As if it left to live in a different country for the time being until it decides to return. Being mentally picked up from the airport and brought back to its old home. Calling me to let me know how much it has missed me and how it can’t wait to see me again.
I mentally open the door and hug depression as we go to sit down to talk about everything that has happened.
I listen as depression goes on and on about everything I have been through. Making me over think on things I wish I could erase.
Once depression stops talking it gets up and says goodbye as it walks out the door, leaving me numb with my thoughts.
Back to the days
I wish I could go back to the days when I was fearless.
Back to the days when my smile was real.
Back to the days when I was more adventurous.
Back to the days when I would be able to open up.
Back to the good times of my childhood.
Back to the days before my depression and anxiety showed up. Before everything that screwed me up mentally.
Wish I could just go back to the days where I was free to be me, without questioning myself.
Darkness is like a friend. It meets up with you every once in a while to catch up. It comes and goes as it pleases. Sometimes you grow apart and sometimes it’s there for the long run. Darkness is the friend you cry with and share all of your hidden emotions with that nobody else knows about. It can also turn on you and make you feel like you’re nothing in this world.
Light is like a lover. It is there every day of every minute. It wakes up beside you and greets you with a soft touch upon your skin. It smiles at you every day and lets you know everything will be okay. Even when darkness shows up to meet, the light still sits by your side throughout the night until darkness leaves. It lies next to you each night at the end of the day to wake up to you the next morning to spend its day with you yet again.
So, you see throughout your life you will have your moments with the darkness, but the light will be with you for eternity.
Getting to taste that life again made me realize that I craved that type of love.
Someone who I could love and would love me with no expectations.
Jumping from one to another made me realize that I am afraid to be alone.
Making the same mistakes that I have seen as a child.
Having that feeling of not wanting to grow old regretting not really being in love.
Regretting not sharing those moments with someone who truly makes me happy.
Someone who makes me smile just by thinking of their name.
I need to bring in this fear of being alone and remind myself that it’s okay to be alone. That it will take time to find the person who will truly make me happy.
Vulnerability
Once you show vulnerability it’s like people around you can smell it and attack like vultures ripping you apart piece by piece.
For they love the smell and how each piece they tear apart is a piece that makes them feel whole again in the existence of their hollow shells that hold their fractured selves.
For they do not know that we can see their vulnerability within their eyes, but we do not attack like vultures.
Instead, we come to them in a sign of a dove to spread the love that was given to us to show them the path to righteousness.
To help them achieve self-love for themselves to brighten that hollow shell to make it feel whole once again.
This life that I have seen
terrifies me to the depths of my soul.
That I run and continue to run
till I can no longer feel this feeling.
This feeling of love that you have shown me that I have never known is so foreign to me that I shut down, and my first instinct is to push you so far away from me that you leave.
I know that I would only destroy you and the thought of love that you have seen.
The type of love that I cannot give you,
for you see I’m a damaged soul trapped in ways that you have never seen.
Ways that I fear would only drive you away if you really knew, so yes I am terrified of the love you can bring.
So please I beg you if I start to push you away bring me in closer and don’t let go like the others.
For I know I can love you same if you only show me how.
Anxiety.
I like to come out when she walks into a crowded room. Making her feel as if everything is ten times louder, and feel as if she is out of place. What I do is make her dislike going to places in fear that she is being judged.
Depression.
I like to come out to make her feel like she’s not enough. Make her feel as if she is failing in her life and feel as if it will never get better. I bring up everything that is dwelling within her to the point she breaks.
When we decided to mix together and hit her with full force, it will make her feel as if the walls around her are closing in and her emotions go numb.
Who am l?
Am I the product of a childhood full of despair and pain?
Or
Am I a product of a childhood that left me with armor so strong that I can handle what this world brings to me?
Who am I?
Am I a person trapped by anxiety and depression?
Or
Am I a warrior who conquers these enemies and makes it through?
Who am I?
Am I a person who stays a victim?
Or
Am I a person who can push through and become a survivor?
Who am I?
Am I a product of domestic violence?
Or
Am I a product of a strong-willed person who knows when to walk away?
These are just some of the circumstances that we go through in our lives.
You can either let these circumstances hinder you from achieving greatness or you can use them to learn and grow from.
This life will throw many different types of obstacles in your way, but it’s how you come out the other side that will build your strength.
Can’t you see that I’m falling?
That I’m screaming out for help.
Why can’t you see that my life is collapsing?
Why can’t you see that I hide behind a mask and a smile, so you won’t ask me questions but why can’t you see that it never reaches my eyes.
Do you even notice that I’m depressed? Would you even care if you did?
Answer this question would you regret not being there if l died tomorrow?
How loud do I have to scream out for you to finally see that I need help?
Do I need to scream at the top of lungs for you to finally notice.
I’m running through this dark forest passing these trees at a speed no human can reach. Jumping over fallen trees to get away from what is chasing me.
I run and continue to run until I finally reached the end and let me tell you it’s certainly site to see.
I stand here watching as the sun rises shining its beautiful glow across the sky and the water below.
I turn to look behind me at the dark forest that I just ran through and see how the brightness of the sun chases away the darkness that once filled this forest, showing me a side that I did not see.
This forest that was once so dark is now beautiful, bright, and filled with l
ife. Letting me know that whatever darkness I go through there is always a light that will shine through and show me the way out.
A light that will always be there and in the end will show me the beauty that I went through.
This life is like holding sand within my hands.
Watching as each grain slip between the cracks, as I desperately try to tighten my grip.
No matter how tight I make it, they always seem to slip away.
Leaving just one small grain of sand to light the hope within that one day I will find this grain of sand that will turn my world right side up again.
Negative Mind
One pill
Two pill
Three pill
Fuck it, just take a handful.
Erase this pain you feel on the inside.
Erase the memories that broke you.
Erase the people who made you feel like shit.
Just erase the life from within you.
Tell me can you feel it.
Can you feel the blood flowing through your veins?
Can you feel yourself growing colder?
Can you feel yourself getting tired?
Just sleep and everything will be alright.
Positive Mind
NO! don’t do it
Drop those pills from your hand.
Don’t listen to that negative mind.
The pain you feel on the inside shows that you have emotions.
Those memories that haunt you make you into the strong and powerful person you are today.
The people that made you feel like shit showed you that snakes live in this world.
Don’t ever erase the life from within you, because you are meant to be here.
Tell me can you feel that.
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