by Dani Lovell
I groan as I stand and walk back into the apartment to collect the handset, and take it back out to the balcony, answering it begrudgingly.
“Alexia Berkeley,”
“Lex! How are you? I feel like I haven’t spoken to you for so long!” The familiar, friendly tone creates a brief distraction from the blues and I smile, sincerely, as I respond.
“It’s so good to hear from you, how are you?”
“Oh fine, fine – but how are you? Why aren’t you at work?” Clare asks. “I called your office and they said you’re on vacation, but you’re not?”
“I had a couple of hectic months at work and it just eased up, so I thought I’d take some days vacation – maybe go somewhere.”
“That’s not like you, are you spending it with anyone special?” she asks, teasingly, and I know she’s referring to Sebastian, and so the painful spasms begin again.
“No, no – I’m just taking some time out. Anyway, how is Oliver?” Please accept my change of subject, please?
“He’s great, he’s pretty much back to himself, give or take a few little things, he’s at work at the moment.”
“How are the headaches?”
“He still has them, but they’re getting better and he hardly grumbles at all, he’s amazing, he’s my inspiration. Every time I moan about discomfort during the pregnancy, I remember how lucky I am to be going through this, how pregnancy is natural and with every pain or ache – I should feel reassured that it’s because my babies are moving and growing. I have my Oliver and we have our babies.”
It puts things into perspective, really. Clare almost lost her husband. I didn’t even have a boyfriend; I’ve simply been discarded. Why is this such a big deal? Why am I moping around grieving? Sebastian is alive and kicking and totally disinterested in me; he’s not in a coma, he’s not my life partner, get the fuck over it, Alexia. I feel ashamed of myself.
“Wow, what an amazing way to look at it. But, you know, Clare – you can moan, you are carrying twins, it must get painful at times, just because Oliver went through, and continues to go through what happened, it doesn’t mean you can’t have pain yourself. Just because you didn’t have a terrible accident, it doesn’t mean carrying twins, or even one baby for that matter, is easy.”
“I know, but it really isn’t that bad. Thank you for that, though. I appreciate it. So, what’s happening with you, then?”
“Oh, not a lot.”
“Come on, I know you’ve been seeing Sebastian, are you going to tell me about it?”
“Oh, there’s really nothing to tell.” Please can we not do this?
“I don’t believe that for one second, Lex.”
“No, really, Clare. It’s… it’s nothing.”
She pauses. “Lex?” she whispers.
“Yes?”
“What happened?” Her voice, along with her manner is, and has always been, so gentle, so sweet and caring. If I was a crier, I think I’d be in floods of tears by now.
I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to talk about it, but I feel like I have to respond, whether it’s for me or Clare – I’ve no idea, but it wants to come out instead of my usual clamming up.
“Alexia,” she whispers again, “you can tell me, please don’t feel like you have to, but you know you can talk to me.”
“It’s just… it didn’t work out.” I admit, quietly.
“Is that why you’re off work?”
“I… no, I don’t do that.” I lie.
“Okay – it’s okay, though, if you decide one day to take a leaf out of everybody else’s book and need some time off life for a while because you’re sad.”
“I know, thank you.”
“So what happened? I can tell you’re not yourself. Are you sad?”
I take a deep breath before admitting it. “I am.”
“Aw, that’s okay, doll. It happens to all of us.”
“It’s never happened to me before. I don’t like it, not one bit.”
“Well, it has to happen to everyone at least once, it means you really felt something, you know?”
“Yes, I do know. He just… it was just so good. He went AWOL once before, which was annoying, but he came back and it was wonderful after that. He’s done it again, but this time – he’s not coming back.” Wow, it’s flowing. “It was so unexpected, we were having such a wonderful time, and then ‘poof!’ he’s gone.”
“Have you heard from him at all?”
“No.”
“Wait, didn’t you go to Til and Luke’s party together?”
“Yes, that was the night… well, it all went horrible.”
“Did you have an argument?”
“No!” I cry, it’s all coming out now. “That’s just it! We got there and were really happy, then throughout the night became separated as we got swept up into discussion with different clusters of people, and then by the time we went home – he was cold, distant and that was the last I heard from him.”
“Really?” she asks, bewildered.
“Really.”
“Have you spoken to Bea or Tilly about it?”
“No, I haven’t spoken to anybody.”
She tuts, but refrains from scolding me for holding back when I should call on friends for help. “Do you think something happened at the party? Did he speak to anyone about anything?”
“I have no idea, it’s all I’ve been thinking about, I feel sick all the time, Clare. I don’t understand what’s happening to me, I have never felt like this before.”
“Well, you’re in love with him, that’s why this is happening.”
I contemplate arguing, I almost respond, but something inside me stops me from doing so. Is it time that I admit that maybe I have fallen in love with him? I can’t imagine feeling like this if I wasn’t, but it’s definitely not something I could bear vocalising, so I won’t. Silence can speak the words that I can’t.
We continue to talk for an hour, or even more – I lose track of the time as I pose all of my questions to Clare, and she aids me by confirming my right to be utterly confused. I would like a firm, solid answer, but at least her agreement makes me feel less crazy.
To tell the truth, I don’t feel any clearer about it, but as Tilly keeps telling me, it does feel a lot better to lighten the load, even though Clare already has a load of her own, and I feel terrible for adding my shit to that. Hopefully she’ll forget my drama as soon as she puts the phone down.
“I don’t know what to say to you, Lex, I really don’t. Men are so strange.”
“Some men are, for sure. Nobody I know seems to have one of the crazy ones, but I suppose it’s luck of the draw.”
“It’s probably because we’ve all been through our fair share of them and have found our right ones at the end of it all. You’re not used to letting guys in enough to allow the weirdness to take hold! I’m sure Sebastian has his reasons, whatever they may be, and it’ll become clear at some stage. I’d like to slap him silly right now, don’t get me wrong, but still – reasons he must have. It seems like he was falling for you, too – from what you say.”
“Oh, no – Clare, I have no idea about that. I doubt it.”
“Hmm. Well anyway, what are you planning for the rest of your time off? How long do you have?”
“I booked a week, we’ll see. I haven’t organised anything yet, I might check into a hotel just to say I did something. Maybe go to Cabo or something.”
“Well, I know it’s a long way – but you’re so welcome to come and stay here with us. The weather is crap and there’s not a lot to tempt you with, but some good old English air never did anyone any harm.”
I smile, thinking back to the last time I was in London properly, last year. Before Oliver had his accident, it was just perfect. Of course everything was very traumatic and hectic after that but I have wanted to visit again for so long. Daniel and Bea are back over there now, too.
“Thank you for the offer, Clare. Considering my brother mostly lives there n
ow, I’m surprised I didn’t think of a trip to London. I could even work a little. I’ll think about it and get back to you, is that okay?”
“Yes! Of course. You know we have plenty of room and I would love to have you stay with me again, in happier circumstances. Bea and Daniel have room, too, of course, if you’d be more comfortable there.”
“Oh I’d have a lovely time in either place. Thank you, Clare.”
“You’re welcome! Hopefully I’ll see you in a day or two?”
“Yes – maybe. I’ll call you later, is that okay?”
“Definitely! Ooh I’m excited!”
“If I come, I’m excited to see your big bump! How long is left?”
“Eight weeks, they’re due on our anniversary.”
“Wow, how fast a year goes.”
“Yep!” I can practically hear her rubbing her swollen belly as we speak.
We sign off and I sit back for a moment, seriously contemplating a short trip away to London. Oh how I’d love to visit that sweet old pub we went to that day that the ‘pipes leaked’ at the Cakery and Oliver and Clare had to ‘go fix it’. Fun days.
Gah, what the heck, why not? I can go into the London office with Daniel to make me feel better about a random vacation; I don’t see a reason why I can’t go, I don’t have anything stopping me.
Within half an hour, my assistant, Hannah, has booked my flight and I’ll be flying to London last thing today. I do feel like I could be more excited, but right now I’m just trying to force myself into preoccupying my mind.
Packing is never difficult, I travel a lot so I’m always ready to go last minute, so the rest of my day is made making plans, speaking with Bea, Daniel and Clare (avoiding having to talk about my reasoning with my brother and his fiancée) and preparing my home and office for my absence.
I don’t eat all day again, but I know that I need to, especially if I’m flying later with added jet lag likely, so I decide to make myself something small with whatever I have in my refrigerator that’ll need to be disposed of before I leave.
It turns out to be a chicken salad. It’s not Seb’s Seriously Awesome Salad or that delicious shrimp dish he made, which – if I’m forcing something into my body, would be perfect right now, but of course I don’t have the recipes, and I can’t even call to ask. He said if I ever wanted it again, I should call him and he’ll make it for me. Whatever happened to that?
Great. The nausea is back just in time for me to try to swallow a plate of chicken salad.
I hear my phone chime from my purse out in the hallway with my bags and I stand to head over to retrieve it, I’ve sent so many messages and made so many calls that I know I’m going to have a lot to answer before I get on my flight, so I better make a start on this one.
As I sit back down at the breakfast bar with my chicken salad, scooping another arduous mouthful into my mouth, I open the message… from Tilly. I smile, of course.
~
SUMMERS, TILLY
iMessage
Today 7:44
Er, you didn’t tell me you were going to England! When are you off? Are you going with Seb? Xxx
~
I respond straight away, wishing she hadn’t mentioned him.
~
Today 7:45
Hey Tilly, nice to hear from you. No, I didn’t tell you - but I only decided earlier today and I’ve been a little busy since. I was going to contact Luke to cancel my training next week. I have a car collecting me for LAX in about an hour. I’m going alone, looking forward to seeing Clare and Oliver. Xx
Delivered
~
I hope she doesn’t reply with any questions, I really don’t want to have to respond by text message. I’m fully prepared to tell her about the situation - having told Clare, I feel bad about not having told Tilly, but I really don’t have the energy or want to discuss it again now.
She responds quicker than expected, so I have another mouthful of food and look at the screen. I’m knocked immediately, feeling so instantly sick that I have to spit the food out, rather than risk inevitable retching as I swallow.
~
LOVE, SEBASTIAN
iMessage
Today 7:47
Hey Lexie, long time no speak. How are you? Are you in town tonight? S xx
~
What the fuck? My fingertips press against my lips as I try to process this. I’m excited, exhilarated, so happy to finally hear from him – but thoroughly confused and pissed off. Long time no speak? Um… that’s because of you, you complete ass!
Tilly interrupts my shock.
~
SUMMERS, TILLY
iMessage
Today 7:47
Oh wow! So last minute, how exciting! You’re used to it though, I suppose. I’m so envious of you; I wish I could see my big, fat pregnant Clare! Say ‘hi’ from me, give her belly a hug. No worries, I’ll tell Luke about training. Hope all is good with you, I feel like I haven’t spoken to you for ages! Maybe we can video-call with Clare while you’re there. Anyway, I’ll let you get your sweet ass into gear – have an amazing time, darling! Dinner when you’re back, for sure xxx
~
I’m not really concentrating on what she’s saying as I mentally formulate my response to Sebastian. I’m going to type and send it; whether or not it’s the right thing to do – who knows?
~
Today 7:49
Sebastian, hello. I’m sorry, I’ll be out of State for a while. Hope all is well with you. Alexia.
Delivered
~
I can’t leave kisses. I can’t be nice – responding is as nice as I think I can get. Why now? Why not respond to my previous message?
I scrape the rest of the salad into the trash and clean up my plate and fork, determined to make myself busy instead of staring at my cell. I take the trash bag out and tie it, leaving it in the centre of the floor for my maid to dispose of when she cleans first thing tomorrow. It reminds me to leave her a note telling her I’ll be out of town.
I move on to my bedroom where I check myself in the mirror in the closet. I brush my hair with my fingers and leave it hanging heavily down my back and over my shoulders, and I slip my navy flats on to complement my cream linen pants and striped navy and cream tank. Hmm, more navy, I think, as I pull a short, cream lamb’s wool sweater from the rail and hook it over my arm to take back out to my bags.
My face is good which helps as I have already packed my make-up, and so I spritz myself with perfume and make sure the balcony door is locked before heading back to the hall.
I put my sweater with my things and stroll nervously through the kitchen to the breakfast bar for my cell. There are two messages and I open the one from Tilly, first. She’s asking me to bring back some Cadbury’s Whole Nut chocolate, because she’s not quite nutty enough yet, and the other message is from Sebastian.
I sit down and take a breath before I read. Suddenly I feel less upset, less out-of-control. I feel like my position in the driver’s seat has been re-instated.
~
LOVE, SEBASTIAN
iMessage
Today 8:04
That’s a shame, I was hoping to see you, where are you off to? When will you be back? Need a ride? ;-) I’m sorry for being quiet recently, I have been thinking of you a lot – I’ve just been a little pre-occupied. Maybe we can meet up so I can apologize in person. S xx
~
Meet up? Meet up?! Has he been on another planet? It’s like the past three weeks haven’t happened! He was hoping to see me? Oh, I’m sorry – I didn’t realise I should drop everything to see the man who left me festering in a pit of self-doubt for the past few weeks. And quiet? More like fucking silent!
I calm myself before responding; I don’t want my emotions to be too evident, even though I will speak my mind.
~
Today 8:09
I’ll be in London; I’ll be back in a week or so but I don’t think meeting up is such a great idea, I’m a little �
�pre-occupied’ myself. Alexia.
Delivered
~
It’s a little moody, but it’s probably the better of the response options I have in my head right now. And his reply is immediate. I know I’m a fast texter, but he must have supersonic fingers.
~
LOVE, SEBASTIAN
iMessage
Today 8:10
Please don’t say that, Lexie, although I probably deserve it. When are you leaving for London?
~
Yes, you do, asshole. Suddenly those knots in my stomach have eased; I’m feeling strong again, and about freaking time. Just because now you’re back, doesn’t mean you get me back. And with those words muttered under my breath, a song I recently heard comes to mind; ‘Jar of Hearts’ by Christina Perri. I remember the heartfelt lyrics easily; that hurt, the anger, the regret of the first kiss that started everything. I’m sure most women have felt in their soul, the very passionate fire raging in each emphatic verse.