by Dani Lovell
“Hey Bea, how…” I stop dead in my tracks.
“Look who we found wandering the streets of London,” Daniel says jovially, slapping Sebastian Love on the back. Sebastian Fucking Love. And he’s smiling at me nervously, looking absolutely irresistible in his uniform. I want to run to him with my arms open and squeeze him like a big, strong tattooed… orange. Or whatever.
His crisp white shirt skims his large torso with perfection and the aviator sunglasses on his head really enhance that sexy, bad-boy pilot look that I had never found so arousing until I met this man. His four-stripe epaulets need my fingers on them, like – now.
“Seb…Sebastian. What are you doing here?” I stutter, my shock clearly evident.
“We got a last minute flight request to London – I thought I’d take it. I have a little while here so thought I’d call on some of my buddies. It’s so great to see you.” He says, walking through the kitchen to where I stand, rigidly.
He slips a strong hand around my waist and bends to kiss my cheek. His smell, his proximity… I wish I could wrap my arms around his waist and bury my face in his neck. I need him, more than anything.
I realise we have an audience, most of whom have no idea there has been any kind of issue between the two of us, so I clear my throat and snap out of it immediately. “You, too. Isn’t that a coincidence! Well, I do hope you’ll enjoy your time here.”
“Oh I will.”
“Suits you, Lex,” Bea says from the entrance to the kitchen, and I struggle but succeed to switch my attention.
“Hmm? What does?”
“The apron, boxing up cakes; you feeling a bit creative?”
“I know! It’s been so much fun making these cakes with Clare, I’ve really enjoyed myself. Mine probably look like a five year old made them, but I enjoyed myself anyway.”
“Bollocks!” Clare cries. “Yours are brill, you’re a natural.”
“You’re sweet, thank you.”
“’Cos it’s true.” She shrugs and budges her way through the group in the doorway to begin stacking the boxes. “So, shall we all go out for lunch somewhere? It’s lush out there, the sun is shining and calling us to sit outside a pub somewhere.”
“Sounds great,” Oliver responds, “Seb can you join us?”
Say yes, please say yes… NO! No. Say no, I shouldn’t want this!
“Sure, thank you.” He looks down at me as the others in the room start discussing possible options. “Is that okay with you?” he whispers.
“Do I have a choice?”
“Yes. I will leave right now if you ask me to.”
“It’d be a bit difficult to do that now, wouldn’t it?” I don’t want him to know that he’s welcome around me, but he so definitely is. I’d rather have a chance to talk with him alone, though, before we start socialising together with friends, again.
“We’re going to take you to a nice pub over in Harefield, it’s about a fifteen minute drive, is that okay with you?” Oliver asks.
“Fine by me, Lex?”
“Oh, yes – whatever you think is best.”
~~~~~~~
I really can’t believe I’m sitting in the back seat of Oliver’s multi-person vehicle on the way home from a delicious lunch in a beautiful pub - with Sebastian. I realise now how he knew what the weather was like. He must have texted me the minute he finished taxiing. I should have known.
It’s almost four in the afternoon and we’re pulling up onto the driveway of the house with full stomachs after a pleasant, if not a little privately awkward afternoon looking over beautiful views of miles of greenery and lakes. It was a perfect setting for a lunch on a day as beautiful as this; it’s just a shame I felt a little pent up for the duration of it.
Clare and Oliver advised me that they have to ‘shoot off’ to a regular appointment at their birthing unit to check on the babies immediately after they drop me back at the house, which is fine by me. I’m not sure what Sebastian is planning, because I’m pretty sure he won’t be welcome to join them at the hospital, and he shouldn’t feel comfortable with the thought that I’ll want to spend time with him. Even if I secretly do…
Clare lets me in before dashing up the stairs as quickly as someone with a rocket up their ass and comes straight back down a little more cautiously, with a clear plastic folder tucked under her arm. “Pregnancy records,” she pants, pointing to the folder, and rushes out of the house. “I’ll see you a bit later, you’ll be okay?”
“Yes, please don’t worry about me!”
“Okay, help yourself to anything! There’s a key in the little drawer in the sideboard there if you go out.”
“Thank you!” I smile, watching as they drive away.
Sebastian is still standing on the driveway and turns to looks at me the moment the car is out of site. “Alexia, please can we talk?” he asks as he strolls towards me with his hands in his pockets. “I’ve been wanting to get you alone all day.”
I’m not having sex with him. It’s not happening, and I fear if he comes inside the house, I’ll lose all clarity and end up stripping him down and attacking. “There’s not a whole lot to talk about, is there?”
“I think so, I think there’s a lot to be discussed.”
“Really?” I ask, sarcastically. “Well that does surprise me, I mean – I’d have thought that somebody with a lot to discuss wouldn’t have been ignoring me for the best part of a month. Maybe he’d have even responded to a text message that I had sent him… but what do I know?”
“Okay, I deserve that, I know I do. It’s a nice afternoon, why don’t we take a walk? Walk and talk.”
It’s a better idea than him coming inside, I’ll grant him that. I pause, giving him the impression that I’m deciding whether or not he’s worth my time. “I’ll give you fifteen minutes.”
I retrieve the key from the sideboard and step out of the house, closing the door behind me. I let Sebastian take the lead and decide which way we’re going, and we stroll for a few moments in silence before Sebastian makes the first move, and so he should.
“Lex, I really am sorry for my rudeness.”
“What happened?”
“I just… I don’t know.” He rubs his forehead and shakes his head. It’s not washing with me. “I just… I don’t know! Maybe I freaked out a bit.”
“Freaked out? About what?”
“I don’t know, us, probably, how close we were getting.”
“I have to say, I don’t think I’ve ever heard you talk about something you know so little about.”
“I’m sorry, I keep saying that, I know I do. I’m just finding it hard to explain myself.”
“Feel free to keep trying, because you haven’t shed any light for me so far.”
“Okay, I’ll try. It’s difficult.”
“Let me help you. Did you meet somebody else?” I ask in a nonchalant manner, as if it wouldn’t bother me if he did. I feel proud of my acting, because inside, I’m dreading his answer like I dread a severe toothache; a severe toothache with a root canal ending.
“No!”
“Do you already have somebody else?”
“Er, no.”
“Oh my God, you do.” My heart falls through my body and lands on the pavement between my feet with a squelchy thud.
“No, Alexia! Really – you’ve got it all wrong; I’m not interested in anybody else.”
“That doesn’t mean you don’t have somebody else.”
“I don’t know why I didn’t get in touch, I honestly think it was panic or something. I really like you and we were getting so close, I wanted to keep on seeing you. I’m not used to that.”
“So what?” I ask, my voice raised. I quickly check myself, I need to keep cool, remain calm. I continue in a lower tone. “I’m not used to it either, Sebastian, but it doesn’t mean I’m going to suddenly start ignoring you when things are going well between us, without an explanation.”
“I know, I know. I really have missed you.”
&nb
sp; “I find that hard to believe, for obvious reasons.”
“It’s true though. I missed everything about you.”
“You mean you missed my vagina.”
“No, that’s not what I mean – although of course I am very fond of that.” He smiles cheekily. “I mean I missed all sorts of things about you, and things that I hadn’t realised I’d taken in.” I look at him confused, trying to figure out if he’s being genuine or not. It’s bizarre that I’m still giving someone the time of day when I’m feeling so confused by them and what they are offering me.
“I missed your face.”
“My face?” I ask, bewildered.
“Yes, your face. I love looking at your face. I missed talking to you about anything. I wanted to wake up next to you again while you’re still asleep and see how beautiful you look. I love how you kiss me. I love the feel of your skin; I want to touch you all the time. I wanted so much to just run my fingers over your tattoo. I missed so much over the past few weeks.”
I roll my eyes and look up at him with a disbelieving smile. “It’s true, Lexie, this isn’t me schmoozing you, this is me being honest with you.”
“Well do you think you could be honest with me about why you went AWOL instead? If you missed me so much, why not do something about it?”
“I’ve told you Lex, I just can’t answer it. I don’t know. But I’m here now, doing something about it – now.”
I think about that. I just cannot understand it. There’s always a reason for everything. He must have some deep commitment issues, or something, if I’m to actually believe any of this. The problem I’m having is that I want to believe it, I almost do believe it, I just don’t know if I should, and this constant questioning is driving me crazy.
It feels so good to hear him say the word ‘love’ the way he does, and I’m not talking about his surname here. It makes me want to drop all of this worry, drop the questioning and doubt and just let it happen; let him back in and ignore any questions about the future and where we’re going.
“So why are you here, anyway?”
“I needed to see you.”
“I know, and I told you - ‘no’.”
“Yeah, you did, because you were coming to London. You didn’t say that you didn’t want to see me.”
“Not in so many words.”
“Don’t you want to see me?”
I stop walking and flap my arms in defeat. “Oh – I just don’t know, Sebastian! I do want to see you, of course I do – I’m not going to lie about my feelings for you, they haven’t changed since we were last together, but I cannot let somebody treat me the way that you did. It was despicable behaviour towards a lady, Seb, and I really hope you know that. I also hope you know the type of person that I am. I simply do not stand for that sort of thing, and just because I like you a lot, it doesn’t mean that I will change my standards or beliefs for you. You left me high and dry after having been so ‘together’ with me. You ignored me when I tried to contact you. You did your best to make me feel like an ass! But for your information, I didn’t feel like an ass, I just realised how much of one that you are.”
He’s silent for a moment and puffs out a burst of contemplative air. I slowly begin to walk again, my rant over, feeling quite satisfied for having gotten that out.
“I’m so sorry.” I look up at him as we move slowly forwards, and I believe it. His face is utterly serious in a way I have never seen before. It’s not a concentration type of serious, it’s a forlorn one, and I truly believe that this is not an act.
“Sebastian,” I rest my hand on his forearm and vaguely notice how warm his skin is beneath the soft hair. “You clearly have some kind of ‘issue’ when it comes to relationships. You either don’t know what it is or don’t wish to divulge, and that’s fine, I’m not going to push you, but I’ve been thinking long and hard since you and I took this to another level, and have deduced that what I’m looking for out of all this, is a relationship.
“I did get the impression that your feelings were similar to mine, initially, but if they’re not – that’s okay. But don’t string me along. I’m not a toy or a plaything and won’t be treated as such. If you want a relationship with me, great – let’s do it and slowly try to get you through whatever it is you’re afraid of. If you don’t, be honest about it and enable me to find somebody else.”
He looks at me and smiles. “Alexia, I understand that I might have given the impression that I want casual flings, but it’s not the case. I do want to have a relationship with you; I think we’re amazing together. I really am sorry about everything. Yes, I do have something going on in my head, you’re right about that, but having missed you so much recently, I feel that I’d be so much better off working through it alongside you, than shutting you out altogether. It’s not something that I can explain, but it’s definitely something that isn’t worth losing you over. I haven’t felt this way before. I feel like I could be falling into the previously unknown.”
“The previously unknown?” I ask.
“Yes, I’ve never been there before, but I want to visit with you, very much.”
Internally, I squeal as I imagine Imelda Marcos would, with a new pair of shoes. Although this is so much more than that; this is the one pair that outshines any other; the pair she would give up the entire collection for.
“Can you promise me that you’ll never go AWOL like that again? I don’t think I can spend my time feeling anxious that it might happen again. If I’m going to go into something with you, I’m going into it with a fresh start. You have an issue? Tell me about it. I enjoy my time with you and I won’t tarnish my happiness with worries that you’re closing up or about to go into hiding again.”
“Lexie, I couldn’t live with myself if I thought you were feeling that way. I need to sort through things and figure it out, yes – but I will do so, with you. As and when I can open up – I will.”
“Okay, well there’s no pressure from me, just let me help you if I can, instead of running.”
“Okay. So… are we back on?”
“I think we are,” I say with an excited smile.
“Oh thank God.” He stops in his tracks and turns to wrap me in his arms.
I slip mine around him, too, and savour the feel of his beautiful body, his warmth and strength encompassing me.
“So, what? Are we seeing each other, or in a relationship now? How do we do this?” he asks into my neck.
“How do you want to do it?” I ask, wondering if this will have an impact on whatever his relationship concerns are.
“I want you to be my girlfriend of course, so whatever category that comes under.”
I giggle and squeeze him just that little bit tighter. “Okay then. That’s what we’ll do.”
He lifts his head and looks down at my face with the cutest expression. He looks excited and as if he’s falling into that unknown place again, just like he said. I love that look on him; it suits him.
“Thank you, Lexie, for understanding. I really am sorry, I never meant or wanted to hurt you. I’ve just been confused or something.”
“It’s okay,” I say softly, looking at his beautiful lips. “Let’s forget it and move forwards.”
“If you’re okay with that, I’m happy.”
“Good.”
He slowly closes the space between our faces and presses his lips against mine. My heart has gradually been lifted from the floor, cleaned up a little, put back together again and deposited in it’s rightful home, where it begins to thrive and swell immediately.
Of course I love him. It’s not something I need to vocalise, it’s not something I even need to think too deeply about; it’s just a natural occurrence that enhances my every day and happens to feel incredible. End of topic.
~~~~~~~
We chose to walk back to the house pretty soon after the kiss, hand in hand and unexpectedly happy.
He won’t be staying in Hertfordshire for as long as I am, but he did ask me if he cou
ld stay with me for a few days, if Clare and Oliver were okay with it. I think it’s a lovely idea and I’m excited that I will get to share some of my London trip with him, after all. He’ll be flying back for work sometime next week.
We didn’t automatically rush upstairs to the bedroom, although, in hindsight, it was a missed opportunity while nobody else was home. I think we both felt like enjoying each other’s words, enjoying the company while we’re alone, without it having to be about sex. Don’t get me wrong, I’m desperate to have him naked in my presence, to have him send me into ecstasy as he manages so very well, but I think it’s right for us to get through the torment of the past few weeks with civilised conversation, before we throw ourselves into bed.
I’m very much looking forward to it, tonight, though. It will be happening.
When Clare and Oliver returned, she joined us out in the yard and told us about the appointment. Everything is fine as they had expected, and the babies are lively as ever, as Clare already knew from the internal battering she’s getting. Having a little foot kicking you from the inside must be the strangest sensation one could ever experience. I’m not so keen on ever finding out, first hand.
As it was still so lovely outside, we had a BBQ for our evening meal and thoroughly enjoyed sitting around the fire pit with a glass of wine afterwards. I updated Clare on the situation when I helped her in the kitchen. Having spoken to her about my worries, I thought it only fair to warn her that things will seem very different now.
She apologised for leaving me in a ‘situation’ when she went to the hospital, but of course, without that – we may not have rectified anything, and I told her just that.
As we re-enter the house at around nine thirty, a familiar ringing noise sings through from the living room. Clare emerges with her iPad, waving frantically at the screen. “It’s Til! Come through to the lounge, everyone.”
“Hi everyone!” Tilly calls.
Clare places the iPad on the coffee table and we take a seat on the couch, with Oliver and Sebastian perched on the arms.
“Hi!” we all shout in unison, generating a chorus of giggles.