“I’m going to Fort Augustus,” the driver replied. “Get on board, and ye can pay at the next change of horses.”
Ned handed Ree into the coach. The horses started even before they took their seats. The coach jolted along the road, and Ned drifted into a hazy dream. When the coach stopped, he opened his eyes to find Ree studying him from the opposite seat.
He blinked the dreams out of his eyes. She’d been watching him sleep, the same way he watched her back at the inn. What was she thinking about? Was she remembering their night together? Her sweetness came back to him. That was only the first of many nights they would share together. He never doubted that.
A long journey of many days and many discomforts followed. They stayed in other inns, but they never shared a room again. Ned didn’t understand how it worked out that way. Some unwritten code between them dictated that they should sleep apart for now.
When they finally pulled into Fort Augustus, Ree drew close to him and murmured low so no one could overhear, “How do we get the rest of the way across the country to Barra?”
“I dinnae ken,” he replied. “We could take another coach, but I dinnae ken when another will come along. We may have to hire horses and ride.”
“Ride?”
Something in her voice made him turn around. Confusion and uncertainty tumbled over her face.
“Can ye no’ ride with yer leg?” he asked.
“I…I don’t know. I never tried it.”
“Ye’ll do it,” he replied. “When ye try, ye’ll find ye can do it easily.”
“What makes you so sure about that?” she asked.
He rounded on her. “I didnae tell ye the other night. Dinnae ask me why. I was too busy telling ye everything else.”
“Tell me what?”
“Me wife, Zita,” he replied.
“What about her?”
“She and all the other women of our race,” he told her, “they were warriors. They used to go into battle with the men.”
“What does that have to do with me riding a horse?”
“Ye’re just like them,” he replied. “I havenae seen a woman fight like ye in centuries, and certainly no one with half a leg gone. Ye defeated Malcolm Gunn, for heaven’s sake, and ye would have killed one of me men if I hadnae stopped ye. Ye can surely ride a horse. There’s nothing under the sun to stop ye.”
She blinked, letting his words sink into her mind. He believed in her more than she believed in herself. She only had to start thinking of herself as a whole person instead of everybody’s liability. Then she would be unstoppable.
Chapter 22
Ree’s heart stood still when a stable boy came out of Fort Augustus with two saddled horses. Riding a horse had never crossed her mind before. She’d always assigned that activity to the realm of no-can-do ever since she’d lost her leg. End of story.
The stable boy put the reins into Ned’s hand. He surveyed the animals with a practiced eye, running his hands over their legs as he spoke to them in a strange language. The horses seemed to understand it, and it soothed them.
Ned led both horses over to Ree. “Now, then, here’s what ye’ll do. I dinnae think ye can put yer weight on that contraption, so put yer good foot into the stirrup and throw yerself up. Go on. Try it.”
He believed she could do it, so why the hell not? She put her weight on her prosthesis and slotted her good foot into the stirrup. She took hold of the saddle and heaved herself off the ground. She shifted her weight into the stirrup and magically transported herself into the air. The next thing she knew, she threw her other leg over the saddle and sat down.
Ned looked pleased, smiling brightly. “Perfect. What did I tell ye? Ye’ll be a natural at it.”
“What do I do with the blade now?” she asked. “It doesn’t rest at the right angle to fit in the stirrup.”
“Ignore it.” He grabbed his own saddle and swung up into it. “Just grip the horse with yer knees and let the blade hang. If ye find it flops too much and bothers the horse, ye can take it off while ye’re in the saddle.”
He took his reins and showed her how to hold them. “Now, lass,” he told her, “there’s only one rule to riding a horse. Ye must treat them like little children, and ye’re the parent. Ye’re in charge. Just remember that.”
Ree snorted. “Yeah, right. He knows I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“Ye both ken ye dinnae ken what ye’re doing,” he countered. “That doesnae make any difference. All that matters is that ye’re in charge, and ye communicate that to yer horse through yer legs and yer hands on the reins. Hold onto the horse with yer legs and hold onto the reins with yer hands in such a way that ye communicate to the horse that ye’re in charge. Ye decide where to go and how, and dinnae give him any notion that he can take that charge away from ye. Understand? As long as ye do that, ye’ll no’ go wrong.”
She gathered her reins in her hands the way he did. Now that she held them, she felt her uncertainty flowing down through the leather straps into the horse’s mouth, translating as clear as could be to the horse.
Ned bumped his heels against his mount’s flanks and started forward. Ree tried to do the same thing, and her prosthesis banged into the horse’s side. Sure enough, the horse tossed his head when she tried to turn him to follow Ned. Instead of going forward, he backed away and started sidestepping toward the Fort.
Ned cast a glance over his shoulder. He saw what was going on but didn’t pause to help her. She had to do this all by herself. She had to be in charge here, had to assert her authority now or this horse would never obey her. She’d exercised plenty of authority back at Primary Industries, and she’d be flipped if she let some dunce animal get the better of her now. Ned believed she could ride this horse, or he would never have put her in the saddle. Now she had to prove him right.
She tightened the reins and yanked the horse’s head around so it faced Ned’s retreating back and gave the animal another kick. He tossed his head worse than ever and even jumped up to rear on his hind legs.
Ree’s heart leapt into her throat, but she clenched her thighs around the animal’s back. He landed on his front feet again and continued sidestepping and backing away from the direction she wanted him to go. Then she had an epiphany.
Quick as a wink, she flipped up her skirts and pulled the Velcro straps holding her prosthesis in place. The horse wasn’t used to it. When she tried to kick him with it, it bumped him in a way he didn’t like. She pulled it free and laid it across her lap. Then, instead of kicking him, she whipped him with the reins back and forth across the shoulders. She’d seen barrel racers back home do that, and it worked like a charm. The horse shot forward and trotted after Ned, taking his place behind Ned’s mount. Once they got moving, the creature fell into a casual gait matching his comrade’s gentle walk.
Ned smiled at her, and she smiled back. She was riding a horse! She was really doing this thing she thought impossible just a few hours before. If she was wrong about this, how many more things in life was she wrong about?
After that, they fell into a rhythm each day. They rode all day and stopped at inns by night. They still slept apart. Ree didn’t know how it happened, but she didn’t argue with it. She wasn’t ready for anything more serious with Ned than a one-night stand.
Still, he treated her leg like a matter of course now. He talked about it like it was perfectly normal, and he talked about her like she could do whatever she wanted in spite of it. After a few days with him, she started to believe it too.
The minute she got into the saddle each morning, she took her prosthesis off, tied it behind her saddle for the day’s ride, and put it back on when the time came to dismount. None of the stable boys or grooms or innkeepers she met ever knew it was there.
In the evenings, Ned and Ree sat around the fire and talked about their mission. “Here we are in Glenuig,” she remarked one evening. “This is the last stop. We’ll have to catch a boat to Barra from here.”
“Aye,�
�� Ned replied. “We’ve had a good ride, have we no’, lass?”
“I am kind of sorry to see it end,” she agreed, “but I’m sure there’s more adventure and excitement waiting for us on Barra.”
“Och, ye may rely on it,” he replied. “I’m sure the Gunns have staked their people here as well.”
“Do you think so? I thought you said the MacNeills were your allies.”
“They are, they are,” he replied. “Everybody stakes their people among everybody else’s allies. Ye can count on that.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” she asked. “Does that mean you have people planted among the Gunns?”
“That might be a mite difficult,” he replied, “seeing as how our people are immortal and the Gunns are not. They would notice if someone didnae age or die, would they no’?”
“You didn’t answer my question,” she countered. “Do you have people planted among the Gunns?”
“I ken where all me people are,” he replied, “and the last place I would send one of me men is among the Gunns. If they discovered one of our men among them, his life would be forfeit.”
She gazed into the fire. “I guess you’re right. It would be way too dangerous.”
“The same cannae be said for the Gunns,” he went on. “They’re human like everybody else. If they sent a man—or a woman—over to the Isle of Barra, they could keep watch over the Cipher’s Kiss or some of its ingredients, and no one would be the wiser.”
“So what are you going to do?” she asked. “How are you going to find out if they have planted someone?”
“I’ll never ken,” he replied. “I’ll just have to get the information I want and hope for the best. I trust ye’ll no’ report me to Malcolm Gunn yerself.”
Ree’s cheeks burned. “You know better than that.”
“Did he no’ tell ye to stay close to me and follow me until I found the formula?” he asked. “Then ye were to give the signal, and they would destroy us all. Isn’t that the way?”
“That’s what he said,” she replied, “but you must know by now I would never do that. Do you think I would lie to you all this time and then betray you at the last moment?”
“Now it’s ye no’ answering me question. Ye havenae said once that ye wouldnae betray me.”
She locked her eyes on his face, her heart thundering in her ears. “I will never betray you, Dagar Lumani. Never. The Angui’s future is my future, and I will do everything in my power to make sure you accomplish your mission.”
He leaned forward and took her hand, then rolled her fingers in his warm grip. “I believe ye.”
She found herself staring deep into his eyes, experiencing again the undeniable pull to claim him and be claimed by him. Why had she let this distance develop between them? Why did she retreat from him that first morning instead of staying close to him the way she really wanted to?
He inclined his head to one side. “Shall we go upstairs together?”
Her cheeks flushed hot. “Yes. Let’s.”
Whether he planned this by paying for one room instead of two, she didn’t know and didn’t care. She was with him. That’s all that mattered.
When they got up to the room, she lay down on the bed next to him and kicked her prosthesis onto the floor. He watched her stretch out next to him.
“What’s the matter?” she asked him. “Are you having second thoughts?”
“It’s ye that has the second thoughts,” he replied. “I dinnae want to do this if ye’re going to push me away again in the morning.”
“I won’t do that.”
“How can I believe that?” he asked. “How can I believe ye’ll no keep pushing me away for all eternity?”
“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t tell you the spell,” she pointed out. “I would have to tell you so you could send me back here to you. Isn’t that proof enough?”
“Ye’ve no’ told me the spell yet,” he countered.
“I could tell you right now. Would that convince you?”
“No, not yet.” He rolled over on his back so he no longer faced her.
“What can I do to convince you?” she asked.
“Ye’ll just have to stop pushing me away. That’s all.”
“Okay,” she replied. “I can do that.”
He still didn’t move. He held himself aloof, even as they lay on the same bed together.
Now Ree stared her destiny in the face. This was the consequence of her own actions. She couldn’t keep holding him at arm’s length and expect him to keep coming back. Eventually he would give up and quit trying.
She snuggled under his arm and rested her head on his chest. He held her around the shoulders, but something about him didn’t soften into her. It wasn’t enough. Her promise meant nothing. It didn’t convince him at all, and he couldn’t trust her.
Her soul screamed for him to meet her the way he had last time, the way he did every time. Now she felt him slipping through her fingers just when she’d realized how much he really meant to her. She couldn’t lose him. She wouldn’t.
She broke out of his arms and sat up on the bed. She put her foot on the floor, and all of a sudden, the whole situation became more than she could bear. Her life weighed on her until she couldn’t endure the intolerable burden.
Why did she have to put up with this? Why couldn’t she experience the joy and contentment other people enjoyed? Why did she have to suffer in misery all the time?
She gave her prosthesis a kick on the floor. “I hate this thing!”
Ned propped himself up on his elbow to stare at her. “Why? It gives ye all the movement of a real leg. It works well, does it no?”
“I hate my leg!” she shrieked. “I hate everything about this. I hate being me. Why do I have to have only one leg? Why can’t I be like normal people?”
He put out his hand out to touch her arm. “Ye are normal, lass. Ye’re as normal as anyone I’ve ever met.”
She yanked her arm away. “Don’t touch me! Don’t even look at me. How can you even think of being with something as…as hideous as me? You could have any woman in the world. You should have a whole woman, a woman who can stand by your side and help you accomplish what you set out to accomplish. This is serious business, and you’re staking your people’s whole future on this. You don’t want a circus freak for a partner.”
“Lass,” he breathed. “I dinnae want a whole woman. I want ye. Have ye no got that into yer head by now?”
“Leave me alone!” she screeched. “Why can’t you just leave me alone? You don’t want me, so don’t torture me by saying you do. I hate this! I hate this whole stinking life. I wish I was dead so I wouldn’t have to drag this wreck of a body around all the time.”
He stared at her in shock for a moment, then lay back on the pillow and relaxed.
She glared down at her prosthesis. It was nothing but a stick of carbon fiber lying on the floor, but she hated it with a passion. All of a sudden, she couldn’t hate it or anything else anymore. Her furious rage changed color and became what it had always been—an acute stabbing pain right through the middle of her. She fought back tears, but they wouldn’t be denied. She’d let too much of that pain out into the open where Ned could see it, and it wouldn’t go back where it belonged. A tear fell onto her hands, and the floodgates opened.
She bowed her head. Her shoulders shook with sobs, and tears streamed down her cheeks. She’d always cried silently from the first day she lost her leg, but all that pain wouldn’t keep quiet any longer.
Ned laid his hand on her arm one more time and murmured low, “Lassie.”
She collapsed on his chest, and the broken howls of agony ripped out of her throat. She couldn’t hold it back, and she didn’t try. She let it all pour out. What was the point? If she couldn’t have Ned, she didn’t want anything else. She wanted him, of all people, to see and know her for who she really was. If she couldn’t bare her heart to him, then life wasn’t worth living.
He shushed her
and rubbed her back until the terrible howling subsided to regular crying. Even that felt as though it would never cease.
“Wheesht, lass. If ye cannae love yer body for yerself, then love it for me. See and understand how perfect it is to me just as it is. Ye’re a powerful woman warrior, just like all the other Angui women before ye. Yer leg makes ye strong. It could never make you weak or disgusting to me, and I ken the men on the Prometheus see ye the same way. They all saw ye best Malcolm.”
“You don’t understand,” she wailed. “I’m not who you think I am. I’m not a good person. I’m not good enough to live forever with you. I don’t deserve it. You need someone good.”
“What do you mean?” he asked. “Why are ye no’ a good person?”
She lay silent for a long moment, but in the end, she had to do this. She had to tell him the truth. That was the only way she could convince him to give this up and choose someone else. It was the only way to save herself the horrifying closeness that would come from giving her heart to him without restraint.
He ran his fingers over her hair. He had all the time in the world, but she didn’t. In the end, she whispered her deepest, darkest secret into his shirt. She couldn’t get it out any other way. “I’m a killer.”
Ned froze, his body stiffening under her. “Ye’re what?”
She rocketed away from him in a fury. “I’m a killer, okay?” she roared. “I killed my own brother, okay? I was driving the car when it wrecked, and he was sitting in the passenger seat. The engine light came on. I took my eye off the road for an instant to look at the light, and the car skidded off the road. It flipped over, and he got thrown through the windshield. I lost my leg, and he died, okay? There. Now you know, so don’t talk about loving me or this filthy, stinking body. This leg is my curse. It’s my badge of disgrace. It’s the mark of Cain, so everybody knows to keep away from me, and now you’ll keep away from me too, if you know what’s good for you.”
She whirled away from him and would have stormed out of the room, but wouldn’t stoop to putting her prosthesis back on. She sat stewing on the edge of the bed.
Pirates of the Angui (Cipher's Kiss Book 1): A Scottish Highlander Time Travel Romance Page 17