by Abra Ebner
They wouldn’t understand. To me, this was real.
Sarah:
“Jane!”
I heard thumping coming down the stairs. “Mom, quit yelling. I got it.”
Jane approached the kitchen. Her face was tired and drawn. “Jane, are you alright?”
She glanced at me. “Yeah, mom. I’m fine.” She grabbed the garbage and opened the patio door, taking it outside.
I heard more thumping as Emily came down the stairs. She entered the kitchen, her face as equally drawn. I furrowed my brow. Emily refused to look at me, she never did. Where had I gone wrong with her? Asking that made it obvious. All I’d put them through, all they’d dealt with after John’s death was enough to give me the answers I sought. Emily grabbed a glass of juice from the fridge and sat on a stool.
“Are you alright?” I ventured carefully.
Emily said nothing as she took a sip, placing the glass onto the counter lightly. “Fine,” she mumbled.
I refrained from continuing the conversation, sensing the twinge of hostility in her voice.
Jane came back in, taking one look at Emily and looking away with disgust. I bit my tongue. What was happening to us? Where had our family gone? Initially, after their father’s death, we had become a tight unit, but as they grew out of the sorrow and into themselves, it seemed that all we did was fight. I had lost them, and I’d failed as a mother.
There was a knock on the door, and I looked away from them in time to hide the tear that was forming in my eye. I left the kitchen, taking a deep breath to calm myself. I shook the frustration from my hands before grabbing the handle. I opened the door, seeing Wes standing on the porch.
He smiled politely. “Hi, Mrs. Taylor. I was just wondering if you wanted me to take the girls to school today.” He had grown over the summer, a lot.
I nodded, a little shocked by the monster of a man I now saw, only a glimmer of the boy underneath. “Sure, Wes. That would be very helpful.” I invited him in.
He removed his hat as he entered, nearly finding the need to duck as he walked through the door. Jane and Emily came in from the kitchen, Jane wearing a mask of shock when she saw Wes’s massive size. Hadn’t she seen him plenty enough to know?
Though I was confused by Jane’s expression, other issues immediately grabbed my attention. I took note of Emily’s outfit, now finally able to view it as she was no longer hidden behind the counter. I let out a sharp exhale of disapproval. I disliked the whole thing—bare midsection, black tube top, tall plaid socks, and of course the short black skirt. I could see she was going for a school girl look, but not the good Catholic kind. I looked away, too exhausted to start a fight with her, especially in front of Wes. I swallowed down my comments, feigning ignorance.
Just let it go. It’s Friday.
Jane:
“Hey, Wes.” I gave him a small wave as I entered the hall. I’d heard him from the kitchen, and knew he was here to take us to school.
“Hey, Jane.” He grinned. “Emily.” He nodded toward her with respect, his eyes not bothering to wander to her style choice. He was always a gentleman.
I stared at him in shock for a moment, noticing his suddenly massive size. Had he always been that big?
Emily didn’t bother to acknowledge him as she grabbed her plaid coat and bag off the floor and walked through the door. She bounded down the front porch steps, standing in the yard and waiting with a look of annoyance. I grabbed my bag and followed her.
“’Bye, girls. Have a good day!” Mother yelled. She had one hand on the door frame as she waved with the other. She was pretending that we were okay, though I knew she knew better.
Wes shut the door behind us, waving arbitrarily over his shoulder. We got into Wes’s car, Emily squeezing in the back seat. She put her coat on and flipped the fur hood up to shield her eyes. She rummaged in her pocket and found her headphones, shoving them in her ears. Music began to play, so loud, that it rippled toward the front seat.
“Where have you been the last few days, Wes? I haven’t seen you at school.” I buckled in, tucking my bag between my legs.
Wes turned his music on low—Breaking Benjamin. “Wasn’t feeling well.” His answer was short.
I sat in silence for a moment as we backed out of the driveway. “Hey, Wes?”
“Hmm.”
“Are you mad at me, for… you know…” It was the first time I’d addressed it. This summer was a mistake. At the time, my nightmares had taken a turn for the worse. I thought that by being close with Wes, I could forget about the horrors I saw. It didn’t work like that, though. If anything, it had forced me further away from him out of shame.
He looked at me, his eyes watching mine. “Um…” He moved his hand across the wheel, shifting into gear. “No. I’m not mad. I just—”
I cut him off. “I value our friendship, Wes. I don’t want to harm that. I’m sorry for leading you on. I…” I knew it was going to hurt him. “I want to go back to the way it was—before. Can we just forget the whole thing?” I winced as I said it, the words thick on my tongue.
His jaw clenched. “Sure,” he murmured, answering rather fast.
There was nothing more I could say.
Wes’s face was solemn. “How are the dreams?” He changed the subject.
My heart ached. I wanted to love Wes, but I couldn’t. I took a deep breath as I looked back to be sure Emily was still listening to her music. “I had more last night.” I replied.
Wes nodded. “What do you think it means?”
I shrugged. “I’m not sure. It’s something I’ve wondered for ten years now. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know where it is that I go.” I wanted to tell him about Max, and how he had been there, but considering our connection, it didn’t seem right. Wes was the only soul I’d confided in over this, and the only person I could talk to, but now that our friendship had been compromised, it was difficult.
Wes’s grip on the wheel was tight. “Jane, I…” He swallowed as though in pain. “The pain on Monday—I think it’s getting worse. Every day this week I’ve felt it. That’s why I haven’t been at school.”
I touched his arm, but he shied away. “Well, maybe it’s time you see a doctor.”
He winced at the mention of doctors. “I’m seeing one next week, though I’m not too excited about it.” He grumbled, sounding angered.
I watched as the veins on his arms grew thick, as though the anger was affecting him in a way it hadn’t before. I narrowed my eyes and analyzed his foreseen death, seeing he was lying in a hospital bed, attached to machines that had flat-lined. There was no other visual explanation.
“Do you ever think that perhaps it’s—you know. Cancer?”
I watched Wes swallow. “Of course I worry it’s that, but how am I to know if I don’t have parents to ask? Usually that stuff can be hereditary. Maybe that’s why I’m an orphan.” His voice was understandably bitter.
“Sorry,” I whispered. I could sense the whole subject was sensitive. I shouldn’t have brought it up.
He glared at me. “Let’s just drop it, okay?”
I slunk down in my seat. I’d managed to turn every attempt at conversation into something sour.
“Why are you guys so serious?” Emily’s voice erupted from the back seat. She pulled the headphones from her ears and stuffed them into the front pocket of her pink JanSport bag. She leaned forward with a sly look on her face. “Wes, when are you going to take me out?”
A sharp exhale passed my lips. “Em, quit that.”
Wes smirked.
I rolled my eyes. At least something could make him smile, even if it was my screw-up of a sister.
Emily laughed. “He knows I’m only joking, Jane. Chill out.”
Yeah sure, I thought. I’ll just chill out. Like that’s possible…
Emily:
I wasn’t joking when I asked Wes to take me out, but he laughed and that’s all that mattered. I heard whispering in his head as I sat back in my seat. I
frowned; the pills were wearing off faster than normal.
I saw the school up ahead as I tugged on my socks and sat up. We pulled into the lot, parking near the front. Jane got out of the car without saying a word to Wes or me. Clearly she was still angry with me, and for whatever reason, angry with Wes as well. The lingering drugs and loud music had blocked out their conversation. I didn’t really care that I’d missed it, but a part of me sometimes liked hearing about their demise. I brought my hands to my head and rubbed my temples. I had a hangover at this point, and I needed another fix of something strong.
I climbed out as Wes held the door for me. The whispers increased in volume when I stood close to him. I listened in, surprised when I learned he was thinking of me. My stomach fluttered. That had never happened before. I smoothed my skirt around my thighs in a suggestive manner, knowing that he noticed. At times I couldn’t control my actions, and sure, yeah, I did it for attention. So what? For the first time in my life, he was thinking of me!
Wes shut his door and trailed after Jane like a lost puppy, his thoughts of me quickly forgotten. I rolled my eyes, thinking about how fickle the mind of a boy was. Who was I kidding? He was never going to love me. I walked toward the school alone, a hard expression on my face as some boys gawked at me—thought about me. It felt good to be noticed by someone, even if it wasn’t the person I wanted.
“Hello.”
I halted, feeling a chill fill my heart at the voice that erupted from behind me. The undeniable screams followed, rippling down my spine and rendering me speechless. My feet froze to the ground, my head the only thing I could move. I twisted my gaze to meet his green one. His dark figure walked around me, taking a place in my path. My brow creased as I worked to stifle the pain, but my efforts were futile. The brother with the green eyes stared down on me.
I glanced over his shoulder at Jane and Wes, hoping they could help, but they had disappeared into the courtyard. I turned my attention back to the boy, trying as hard as I could to feign composure. I wanted to speak—to scream—but my lips felt like they had been sewn shut.
“I’m Greg.” He didn’t bother to offer me his hand, keeping them tucked in the pockets of his black leather coat. “Hear you’re looking for a fix.” He rattled something in his pocket.
I exhaled hard, the sound of it like velvet in my ringing ears. I no longer cared about the screams, or the sinister green glow of his eyes—I just wanted the drugs. I just wanted it all to stop.
Greg watched me with a stony stare.
“Are you alright, Emily?” He smirked, as though he knew what he was doing to me.
I blinked a few times, the sound of my name on his tongue sending chills down my spine. I felt the invisible strings holding my mouth shut begin to unravel. I licked my lips. “Yeah… fine.” My voice was raspy. “H—How much?” The words were a struggle.
A half smile crept across his face. “You’re really pretty, you know that?”
I slowly shook my head. My thoughts were teeming. It was hard to understand his words, impossible to decode the screams that were cascading through his mind. I brought my hand to my forehead. “O—Okay… yeah.” I didn’t care about what he was saying; it hurt too much.
He took his hand out of his pocket and touched my arm. I lurched away from him as I felt a surge of something cold ripple across my skin. Goose bumps prickled across my entire body and the screaming pain suddenly stopped, as though he’d triggered an off switch.
I gasped, finally able to breath. I looked up at him, finding his eyes were darker than before, the green afterglow a calm shimmery black. The fear I’d felt left almost instantly, and I found I couldn’t look away—his face was… beautiful.
“Again, I’m Greg.” His voice sounded muffled, as though my ears had been stuffed with cotton. This time he offered me his hand for a shake. Why was he introducing himself a second time?
I licked my lips, smiling slightly in an attempt to hide my issues. I took his hand and shook it. As I let go, I felt a strange attraction wash over me. “My name is Em—Em,” I stuttered. “I’m Emily.” I felt dazed. Hadn’t he already known my name? I was a idiot.
Greg smiled, tilting his head back. “Alright, Emily. Here, have these. They’re on the house this time.” He pulled the bottle from his pocket and took my hand. His grasp was cold and strange, but it didn’t seem to matter anymore. He pressed the pills into my palm, curling my fingers over the smooth, orange plastic.
I never stopped watching his eyes, mesmerized by the black, shimmery glow.
“My treat.” He let go of my hand and it dropped idly to my side.
“Thanks,” I managed to squeak.
His smile was compelling. He leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. “See you later, Emily.” He winked and brushed past me, the hold over me released like a weight had been lifted.
I took a deep breath, exhaling as I once again found myself able to breathe freely. What was that? The feeling I’d been left with was one of admiration, but it didn’t seem right. I turned around to look for Greg, but he was already gone. I looked down into my hand, curling open my fingers and seeing the orange bottle of pills. I felt my head, feeling as though I’d just woken up from an all night bender, which I had; but this was worse. I opened the bottle and took one of the small red pills that were inside.
Did I even know what it was?
Did I really care?
Wes:
No, not again.
My hand began throbbing as I sat in third period Math. The prickling began at the fingertips, and then crept up my arm. I dropped my pencil, unable to grip it any longer. I wriggled in my seat, the movement giving me little comfort. Sweat slowly began to seep from my pores, my shirt clinging to my skin. I felt trapped behind my desk as the teacher droned, the anxiety spiraling out of control. My jaw began to hurt and I tried to massage it. I leaned back as far as I could as the bones in my back ached and cracked. I looked up at the clock with blurring vision, afraid that there was too much time left—afraid that something would happen to me in front of everyone.
How could I get out of here?
I looked down the line of desks, seeing Emily at the end. I was a year behind in math, but I was horrible at it so it made sense. Emily, on the other hand, was smarter than she led on and was actually ahead, placing us together. Her eyes were half open in a dopey daze.
She had taken something.
Looking back at my hands, I clenched my jaw, grinding my teeth. The roots of every tooth hurt as though infected, sending spikes of pain through my head. In desperation, I looked toward Emily once more, and this time, I found she was looking at me. She quickly looked away when our eyes met, shocked that I’d caught her staring.
No. Turn back, I thought.
As I silently begged, her gaze returned, her eyes narrowed as though hearing my cries, her lips forming a question.
I didn’t know exactly what she was thinking, but I supposed she understood because she stood immediately, disrupting the whole class. A group of girls giggled from the back of the room, but she didn’t seem to care. Neither did I. The teacher stopped talking, glaring at her.
“Emily, please sit.” The teacher pointed at her, his face beginning to turn red as his blood pressure rose. He liked Emily. Otherwise, he would have immediately sent her to the principal’s office, no questions asked. He was a zero tolerance kind of man.
She frowned at him, and then at the girls that were laughing. They laughed harder now. She looked at me one last time as I watched her eyes flutter. She fell to the ground then, her eyes closed as though she’d fainted. The whole class stared, the giggles silenced by a wave of gasps.
The teacher dropped his pen and rushed to her side, the whole group now craning their necks in order to see what was happening. Shocked, I shot from my chair, but instead of rushing toward her, I grabbed my bag and rushed to the door. Wiping the sweat from my brow, no one noticed as I slipped out and into the hall. I let a low cry of agony pass my lips as I leaned again
st the lockers. Recovering, I forced my body to move.
How had she known what to do?
Emily:
I was on the ground, the musty smell of dirty carpet filling my nostrils. I opened my eyes, feeling as everyone watched me. I pretended to breathe hard, grabbing my head and faking a wince. I wasn’t sure just why I did it, but the look on Wes’s face seemed to tell me. And his thoughts, they wanted me to do it—to help him somehow.
“Emily, are you alright?” The teacher was shaking me. I blinked, nodding. I looked at the faces of the students that had surrounded me, their mouths hanging open and their eyes agape.
“Sorry I—” I tried to come up with some sort of an excuse, but then figured saying nothing was just as good.
The teacher grabbed the arm of the student standing next to him. “Jake, take her to the nurse, will you?” He was the teacher’s pet after all—other than me, of course.
I tried to hide the disdain as I discreetly rolled my eyes—anyone but him. Jake grabbed my arm and I cringed. This was embarrassing enough as it was. I began to wonder what people thought, but then again, everyone expected this from me. I was a freak.
I leaned against Jake despite all my body’s cries not to. I had to play the part. He led me out the door, his mind relishing every moment his sweaty hands touched me. It was definitely going to be his last. In the hall I shrugged him away. He looked at me, stunned.
I straightened my clothes. “Listen, Jake. I’m fine. Don’t tell anyone.” I reached in my pocket and fished for the five dollar bill I knew was there. “Here. Just go walk around for a bit and then go back.” I shoved the bill into Jake’s palm. He pushed his glasses up his nose with his other hand. “Say anything and I’ll ruin you,” I added, jabbing my finger in his face with warning.