by Zoe Norman
I shake my head. I want to believe her—I do—but I have years of guilt that do not allow her words to seep through the Kevlar vest that has been firmly strapped to my chest since that night. Perhaps with time and Olivia’s help, I can start to loosen the vest’s straps and begin to forgive myself. What I do know is that, after sharing this most intimate part of myself with Liv, I feel like we’ve reached another level in our relationship, and it’s peaceful. If I wasn’t sure of it before, I’m convinced of it now—Olivia Burke will be mine forever and always.
MY RIGHT ARM DRAPES across my eyes, blocking the sun, which is low in the sky. Sitting out on my rooftop deck, peacefully surrounded by high flowerbeds bursting with colorful flowers Olivia has planted, I nurse a longneck bottle of ice-cold beer and settle into my lounge chair. After an intense day at the firehouse, a quiet house is just what I need. Olivia isn’t home, so I luxuriate in a pair of nylon basketball shorts and a bare chest as I begin to relax under the warmth of the sun.
I’m able to drown out the sounds of the horns from the street below and focus on the soft breeze blowing in my face and the few birds singing nearby. With a contented sigh, I take a pull of my beer and place it on the side table before closing my eyes. After what seems like only moments later, I feel a finger slowly trail down my arm and a voice hum appreciatively. Olivia’s home. I loll my head to the side, and when I open my eyes, I’m greeted with the sweetest little face I’ve ever seen.
“Hi, Daddy. Where have you been?” The small child pouts with a look of pure sadness and disappointment. “I was waiting for you, but you never came. Why didn’t you come find me, Daddy? Why did you leave me?”
Shocked and confused, I scramble to a seated position, my legs and arms flailing. I plant my feet on the deck’s surface and turn in the lounge chair to face the innocent intruder. I lean forward to stare into the child’s face and see Olivia’s piercing, blue eyes and my mouth, its full lips reflected back at me. My eyes narrow in utter disbelief, and as I start to form words, the child takes a step toward me. I jerk back in surprise and fall back…back…back.
I jolt myself awake and sit upright in bed. My eyes slowly adjust to the early morning light as I look to see Olivia sleeping peacefully on her back next to me. Thank God I didn’t wake her. I rub the heel of my hands in my eyes. It was a dream…just a dream.
Olivia and I have been dealing with my slowly increasing nightmares. Now that she knows all about them, she is able to help me, which has been, well...helpful. In the last week, the nightmares have been less violent, less focused on the girls in the fire, and more focused on parenting fears. Olivia says that this means I’m making progress, that the real cause of my anxiety is showing itself and pushing the PTSD to the side. I really hope she’s right, but this dream makes me think she might be onto something.
As my heart rate begins to return to normal, I gently get up from the bed so as not to disturb Olivia, and make my way to the bathroom. What the hell kind of dream was that? I ask myself, looking into the mirror. I’ll go for a run. That’ll clear my head.
I brush my teeth, wash my face, apply deodorant, and step out into the bedroom to put on my running gear. Olivia’s still frame lying in our bed stops me in my tracks. The top sheet drapes across her body, modestly covering her full breasts. Her right arm is lifted up by her head, and the tips of her fingers barely graze her forehead. She’s beautiful. If I had my phone on me, I’d be snapping photos to immortalize her exquisite face. I stand and watch her sleep, admiring her.
Olivia is pregnant. She is carrying my child. Mine. We did this. Together.
I walk over to Olivia’s side of the bed and kneel by her side. Looking up at her soundly sleeping face, I push back the sheet covering her stomach. Her skin is tan from the sun and soft to the touch as I gently lay my hand on her tummy. There’s no bump; her stomach is as flat as it’s always been, but there’s a baby in there. Our baby. It overwhelms me.
I’m not fully over the feeling of betrayal that still lingers when I think of the fact that she didn’t tell me she was pregnant. I understand the reasons why, but the fact remains that she didn’t say something right away. Worse yet, she didn’t feel like she could tell me. It’s painful for me to think that, after all this time, she would ever feel afraid to tell me something, particularly something this monumental.
I have days, lots of them, actually, where I worry I’m going to snap and blow up at her. Days when we disagree about something and my mind goes there. I’ve been trying hard to manage my feelings and keep them in check, keep this from becoming something that pulls us apart. Not to say I could or would want to be without her in any way, but an argument of that magnitude could certainly throw a significant wrench into our relationship. But, to my credit, there are also days when I feel so curious about this little life that the hurt goes away and it’s replaced by awe and overwhelming feelings of love toward this woman and my child.
“Hello in there,” I whisper. “It’s me...your daddy.” I make small circles on Olivia’s tummy, and I feel her stir awake, but she doesn’t move. She lets me have my moment. “I just wanted to say hi and welcome you to our family. Wow…” I mutter, stilling my hand and exhale in a puff of air, dumbfounded at the statement. “A family… We’re a family. Who would have thought I would be saying that?” My fingers continue to trace around her stomach and belly button. “I don’t care if you’re a boy or a girl, but just promise me one thing, okay? Promise me that you’ll get involved in a sport or activity that would put me in close proximity to other hot moms, okay?”
Olivia slaps me on the back of the head. “Hey!”
“I knew that was coming.” I chuckle. “I’m kidding, of course. To be honest, I’m in love with the most beautiful woman ever...your mommy. Next to you, I’m the luckiest person alive.”
Olivia starts to play with the hair at the base of my neck.
“I love you very much, peanut,” I say, “and I can’t wait to meet you.”
"That was so sweet, baby,” Olivia whispers. “Can you believe there is a baby in there? A little Owen...or a little Olivia," she asks with a smile that is evident in her voice.
“I hope it’s a little Olivia. I want it to be just like you,” I grin.
Olivia giggles. “You with a little girl? God help her first boyfriend!”
I frown a bit at the comment, but then I softly kiss Olivia’s tummy and nuzzle my nose from side to side.
She hums appreciatively. We were warned off sex for the two weeks after Olivia came home from the hospital, but it's been three now. Normally, that would cause me an insane case of blue balls. With the exception of our breakup, I’ve never gone this long without sex in my life. But this is about protecting this little life of ours, and I’m okay with that. I just want Olivia and the baby to be safe. I’m extra careful around her and doting on her every chance I get. It killed me to have to go back to work after the accident, but Olivia was insistent that I get back to the job I love. Not touching Olivia sexually has been an exercise in self-control. And if I’m honest, I’m craving her.
"Lower please," she pants.
I turn my face to look up her body with a grin. "I'm not sure that's a good idea, baby. I don't want to hurt you."
Olivia scowls. "You will not hurt me, Owen. The doctor was clear that sex is perfectly okay when you're pregnant. She just wanted me to take it easy for two weeks because of the accident. I'm very much in the clear," she continues, incensed.
I frown again, concern clearly etched on my face. “What if I hurt the baby? What if it feels what I’m doing? I’m not always gentle with you, Liv. What if I lose control and fuck you so hard the baby feels it?” I say, slightly panicked. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it’s a legitimate concern of mine. I love her and do not want anything to happen to her…and now the baby, too.
Olivia reaches down to her belly, where my head is now resting. She lifts my head and takes my face in her small hands. “There is nothing you’re going to do to me that
will hurt the baby. It’s very, very well protected inside me. It can’t see or feel you. I promise.”
My scowl eases a little, but I’m not convinced.
“Do you think nature would have made me this horny during pregnancy if having sex would hurt the baby?” she asks with exasperation in her voice.
Well...actually, that’s a pretty good argument. “I sound like an idiot, don’t I?” I sigh. “I just haven’t ever done this before. I’m scared. If anything happened to this baby because of me…”
And there it is—the real reason for my concern. I still have so much guilt about the children lost in the fire. I’m worried I’ll lose our baby, too.
“Hey…” Olivia says, tilting my head up so my eyes are locked with hers. “You will not hurt this baby. Do you understand me?”
I nod slowly.
“Our baby is fine, it’s safe, and you’re going to be an amazing daddy.”
I give her a slight grin. It’s about all I can manage.
“Now, the only danger we’re in right now is of my libido causing me to physically explode because I haven’t had sex in three weeks. So please, for the love of all things holy, pick a place to start making love to me and get to it!”
I grin and drop my head, kissing her belly again as I use my other hand to pull away the bed sheet, exposing her nearly naked body to me. “So fucking beautiful, Olivia.” I exhale as I cup her breast and run my thumb over a nipple that is already erect with anticipation. I start to kiss downward, planting kisses between her belly button and pubic bone. "Here?" I whisper.
Olivia lets out a huff of air and slips her fingers through my hair, grabbing hold. "God, yes, Owen. Pleeeeease..."
I rise to my feet and toss the sheet up and away from her body. Crawling onto the bed, I position myself between her legs and slowly run my hands over her thighs. Leisurely and methodically, I kiss from the inside of her knee and up her inner thigh. I rub the tip of my nose across her panty-covered pussy. She smells incredible.
Olivia pants, anticipating my next move. Instead of doing the obvious, I kiss along her opposite thigh, taking my sweet time. It’s been a while since we’ve made love and I want her to be completely and totally worked up and ready for me.
After finding my way to the apex of her thighs once more, I casually slip a finger inside the band of her panties. She’s drenched, and I moan hungrily.
"Jesus, Liv, you're soaking wet.” I smirk up at her.
"I can feel it. It’s yours… I’m yours… Taste me,” she says desperately.
I pull her panties down in one quick move and toss them to the floor before leaning forward and placing another kiss on Olivia’s lower stomach. "Okay, little baby Maxwell. Close your eyes and cover your ears. Dad’s going in for the kill and your mom is a screamer."
Olivia starts to laugh and quickly stops when she feels my lips and tongue on her, my fingers holding her open to me. "Oh God, Owen... Oh fuck..." she groans unapologetically as she grinds herself onto my face.
I moan in response, lapping at her with long strokes of my tongue. "You taste so fucking good, Olivia… So good. I’ve missed this," I mumble against her flesh.
Olivia begins to massage her breasts with the palms of her hands while I continue to feast on her. I lift my head slightly so I can watch as she tweaks her nipples.
“Oh fuck, Liv. That is so fucking hot. Don’t stop. Rub those tits, baby.”
I shift my lower half against the bed, trying to find some friction to ease my own throbbing cock. Olivia smirks at me, knowing that I’m growing more and more uncomfortable. Before I can plunge balls-deep in her, I want to make sure she’s found her first release. I dip my head and resume my assault on her sweet pussy with my tongue. I lap, suck, massage, and probe as Olivia writhes in pleasure. The sounds she makes are enough to make me come all over the sheets.
"Wait. Not like this. I want you inside me," Olivia pants. I shake my head and continue. "Please, Owen…” She grabs my shoulders and guides me up her body.
I rise to my hands and pull myself up, kissing her body as I go. When I reach her mouth, I kiss her fiercely, allowing her to taste herself on my lips and tongue. As we kiss, I arch my hips and, without the aid of my hand, position myself at her entrance. I rear back and slowly move to slide inside her. When she feels the first nudge of the head of my cock at her opening, she moans as I push just the tip in.
"Oh baby... That's right... Take me... Take me all in," I groan. I’ve been refraining from touching her out of fear, but it’s been killing me.
Olivia lets her thighs fall open, giving me better access, and I dive in the rest of the way on a grunt. When I’m completely seated inside her, I prop myself on my hands, careful not to lean on her. I arch again and, making deliberate hip movements, pull myself in and out of her, gliding along hypersensitive nerve endings.
I lean forward, nuzzling into her neck. "I love you so much. You feel so good....and you're mine. You're my lady—mine. You're the mother of my child... Fuck, that's so intense... You own me, baby."
With those words, Olivia wraps her legs around me, digging her heels into my butt as I start to plunge into her faster and harder.
“I need you…need you so much, baby. I love you… Fuck, you feel… Ahh fuck!” I yell.
“Owen! Oh God, baby! I’m… Shit, I’m there! Don’t stop, baby. I’m coming…Owen!” she screams as she comes undone, squeezing me tightly.
That’s all it takes before I curse and scream her name as I plunge deep inside her and explode.
I lie still on top of Olivia, trying to catch my breath. I kiss her damp neck and roll off her, falling to her side. "Holy shiiiit that felt so fucking good. I haven’t come that hard in—” My smile fades when reality sets back in. The baby. I quickly shift my head to observe Olivia. "You're okay, right? You're not hurt?" I prop myself up on my elbow and lay a hand on Olivia’s tummy, a look of panic crossing my face.
"I'm fine. No need to worry. I'm happy and sated and still a little horny," she says through a grin and a wink.
I shake my head and smile. "Are hormones always going to have you like this?"
Olivia looks at me contemplatively. "Hmm... I’m not sure, but I hope so. "
"Well, lucky you, I’m just the man for the job. I'm on it."
“The only man for the job,” Olivia confirms as I roll on top of her and start kissing her again.
I WAKE UP VERY suddenly, trying to catch my breath. I look at the alarm clock next to our bed. The numbers are bright green, illuminated in the dark. It’s only five o’clock. I lie down to take a nap around two, I think? I’ve been so tired since I got home from the hospital that napping has become my new best friend. Today seemed like the perfect day for a little sleep. There is a loud thunderstorm going on outside, and it’s been dark and foreboding all day. Claps of thunder must have been what woke me.
However, the sky isn’t the only thing that’s been foreboding today. My dear Owen has been...off. This morning, when we woke, he went for a run before the rain fell. He runs almost every day, but I have come to recognize the ‘release an emotion’ run from the others. And I could definitely see that this morning’s run was one of those runs. He came home with his usual Saturday morning post-run delivery of coffee and bagels. However, instead of eating, reading the paper, and chatting about our week, he left me to eat at the kitchen table alone, not saying a word. I guess no lazy Saturday morning sex for me today.
I climb out of bed and pull my old cheer shorts off the floor and up over my hips, running my hand over my stomach, something that has come to be a habit in the last few weeks. Lately, I find myself talking to the baby a lot, even though there isn’t much to see yet. I know it’s there, sense it all the time. I smile and start to pad into the living area.
Owen is in the living room, in the dark. There are candles lit everywhere. The power must have gone out at some point and he never bothered to turn the lights back on. He is sprawled on the couch, his feet up on the table, his arm ha
nging over the back cushions, while he watches the sports channel. I stand in the hallway for just a moment and watch him. He is so gorgeous. His body is toned and hard, his hair tousled and sexy. He’s wearing a pair of worn athletic shorts that I know hang low on his hips. His T-shirt is the soft, old concert shirt he wears on weekends. It lifts a bit as he rubs his stomach absently while he watches TV. The sliver of skin I see as the material moves sends a shiver through me. He looks…edible.
I’m suddenly craving his touch. He looks up from the TV, having heard me or sensed me. When lock eyes, I give him a soft grin.
“Hi.”
“Hey. Have a nice nap?” he replies. “I went to check on you when the power went out, but you were out like a light. I didn’t have the heart to wake you.”
“Yeah, I did. Must have needed it.”
“Yeah, suppose so. Come.” He pats the cushion on the couch next to him. “Sit with me.”
“How long was the power out?” I ask as I make my way to the couch and curl up by his side.
“About thirty minutes. They’ve been flickering off and on. Figured I’d keep the candles going just in case.”
As if on cue, the lights go off, then back on, and then off again—this time for good. The room is illuminated with the soft glow of the candles placed strategically throughout the room. It’s romantic and oddly peaceful. The wind is picking up outside and the rain has started. I’ve always liked the sound of the rain. It’s calming in a weird way.
We sit in silence for over a minute.
Have you ever been in the same room with someone you are the most comfortable with and suddenly feel uncomfortable? It is the most unsettling feeling you can imagine—when the familiar becomes...strange. It’s so quiet, the normal sounds of the apartment lacking. Including ourselves. I shift next to Owen, turning my head in the hopes of catching his gaze. After a beat, he looks at me, a sad smile on his face.