by Taryn Steele
For next the next hour we enjoy hopping from ride to ride until we have no choice but to stop because we’ve been on every ride twice, and we’re out of tickets. I told Chris before we left the house I would buy more than enough tickets for rides but once we were out that was it, no more. I’m thankful he’s such a good kid and doesn’t generally put up a fight.
Christopher and Kane see the carnival games up ahead and ask Cole and Nate if they want to compete in a few games. I don’t think boys of any age would turn down a fun offer like that. Olivia and I put money on the counter for Chris and Kane to play but Cole and Nate were not having it, they push our money back in our hands.
Of course Cole and Nate dominate the boys in basketball, but what would you expect when the hoop is ten feet away and twelve feet high? The boys redeem themselves in the ring toss.
“It’s all tied up,” Kane announces.
“Pick your poison, guys,” Christopher retorts with a look so serious and competitive I can’t help but chuckle. Olivia, Cole, and Nate can’t hold back their own laughs.
“Alright, boys, the water gun game it is. First one to pop the balloon wins bragging rights,” Nate announces.
“But Abby and Olivia have to play too,” Cole adds.
“Oh, it’s on,” Olivia declares, and just like that the six of us are marching with very serious faces like we’re about to proclaim war.
A short distance away we find the water gun game and I have to admit I’m kind of glad no one else is lined up to play. I’m not bad at carnival games I just like my odds better this way. One thing I can be is superstitious so when I see that the water gun for lane number four is open I stand in front of it. Kane and Christopher stand to my left with Cole, Nate, and Olivia following behind on my right. I tune out the older looking gentleman running the booth, you’ve heard it once you’ve heard it a million times.
I get it, you ring the bell I pull the trigger.
I turn my head to see Christopher and Kane whispering and giggling to each other, it makes me laugh in return. I love seeing my boy have fun. I hear the attendant say “get ready” so I grip the handle tight, place a finger on the trigger and with one eye closed I aim for the clown’s mouth. The bells sound. I squeeze aiming for the water at the center of the clown’s mouth. For a split second I look above to catch a glimpse of the size of everyone’s balloons. It looks like Nate’s balloon is the biggest. Before another thought can come to mind the left side of my face is pummeled with water. Laughter erupts and I swiftly turn my water gun on Christopher and Kane to fire back, and Cole is seconds behind me joining forces. As soon as Nate’s balloon pops all of the water to the guns shut off. As if she couldn’t glow anymore Olivia is beaming with joy over the stuffed, pink panda bear Nate chose for her for winning the game. Meanwhile, I’m standing off to the side wringing out my wet hair and trying to help dry Christopher and Kane off as well.
The boys are already looking around at what to do next, and all I can think about is the food stand adorned with caramel apples staring me in the face, calling my name. Ugh, one of my all time carnival weaknesses. Olivia mentions that we need to stay put for a couple of minutes because her brother Jeremiah and sister-in-law Tashia are here and are going to take the boys home for a sleep over. I completely forgot about that, and I don’t have an overnight bag for Chris either. Once Jeremiah and Tashia find us I express how sorry I am and completely forgot about the sleep over plan. Thankfully they are like a second family to me, have a key to my house, and are fine with stopping on the way so Chris can pack a bag. I hug and kiss Christopher goodbye. I remind him to use his manners and be on his best behavior. Of course he rolls his eyes and tells me he knows but I don’t care. I’m a mom, it’s part of my job to remind him of these things.
Without a second to say anything Olivia and Nate take off just as quick and now I’m standing here alone with Cole, feeling utterly awkward.
“I saw you eyeballing the dessert booth. I don’t know about you but I could go for some more food,” Cole suggests.
“Actually I do. I want two though. One for now and one for later because it’s too messy to eat now, and I’m not about to look like a savage here,” I tell him honestly.
“Alright, let’s go,” he says with a chuckle.
Give me sugary sweetness and I’m good to go. I have my caramel apple wrapped up in my purse to take home but in the meantime Cole and I decided to devour some hot fudge sundaes. The longer we walk, eat, and talk the less awkward I feel being alone with him. I know Olivia did it on purpose. I know she wanted to be alone with Nate so she could put the moves on him, or vice versa but I also know she thinks she saw something when Cole wiped the powdered sugar from my nose.
Walking away from the carnival because it’s hard to have a conversation with so much noise Cole suggests walking down toward the beach where it’s a lot less crowded. I couldn’t agree more, bumping into people when I’m just trying to walk is getting on my nerves. It’s like shopping at the mall a few days before Christmas.
After a few, quiet minutes Cole tells me that any time I want to talk or vent he can relate to just about any situation and could offer advice or just be an open ear. I ponder his statement for a quick minute before not responding for a long period of time seems inept or rude. He doesn’t want to know the thoughts that run through my head.
“Thank you, Cole. I appreciate the offer but losing a spouse isn’t easy to talk about. It’s a dark road you don’t want to hear about. I promise you that.”
“To be honest, I know that road better than you think.”
What?
“What do you mean?” I ask, stopping in my tracks stunned by what he just revealed.
Cole speaks to me for the next forty-five minutes about his fiancé, Viktoria. They met at a friends New Year’s party in two thousand-twelve. He remembered her standing out to him at the party because she was dancing with a group of friends and her rhythm was awful. He chuckles remembering that moment in particular. They started dating three months later. She moved in to his condo in Dana Point, California with him. Almost two years later Cole proposed and she said yes. Six months later Viktoria became pregnant and that changed their plans for their wedding. Cole and Viktoria agreed to change their wedding date until after the baby arrived. Five and a half months in to the pregnancy Cole and Viktoria met at the obstetrician’s office for a check up, and of course like most parents, hopeful to find out the sex of the baby. They were both working at the time so they drove separately and met in the parking garage. Cole was getting worried because Viktoria was never late but this time she was a few minutes behind. He snickers remembering her parking her car next to him when she finally showed up. She was late because she had to stop twice to pee on the way because the baby was pushing on her bladder so much. They found out they were having a girl. Viktoria was elated. She grew up with two brothers and all male cousins. Viktoria was more than ready to go shopping for a lot of pink outfits. Cole tells me next that he and Viktoria kissed in the parking garage before going their separate ways; Viktoria went back to work and Cole had a meeting with his agent. They agreed to meet back at home to celebrate the news over dinner. Cole pauses for quite a bit. Twisting his fingers and cracking his knuckles, Cole tells me Viktoria never made it home that night, she didn’t make it back to work either. She was hit head on by a drunk driver in a box truck. She and the baby were killed upon impact.
“Oh my God, Cole. I’m so sorry,” I tell him honestly.
“She might not have legally been my wife but for me it’s just the same, so I do know what you are going through.”
“How have you been able to work through it?” I ask him hoping he has some magical words of wisdom.
“Well, it’s not something that just happens. It takes a lot of time. My friends and family were a big help but it wasn’t enough. I surfed morning, noon, and night just so I wasn’t home alone. I was incredibly apprehensive but after a few months I started seeing a therapist. Dr. Pine is gr
eat. I still see him about once a month just to touch base. An unbiased, professional opinion is what I needed. I was afraid of judgment from friends and family. I wasn’t sure if they were just telling me what they thought I wanted to hear. I’m not saying you should see a therapist but it’s what has worked for me; and one other thing.”
“What’s that?” I ask.
“I made a promise to myself, to continue a life of only oh well’s and no what ifs.”
Hmph, I made sure Christopher talked to a therapist after Dominic passed but I never considered it for myself. I was more concerned with his well being than my own. He still goes twice a month and doesn’t dread it so maybe it wouldn’t be so bad for me to go.
I guess have a lot to think about.
At one time or another, the most incomparable relationships are the ones you never predicted. The ones that hypnotize you and challenge every view you’ve ever had. Abby fits in to both of those categories, hypnotizing and challenging for sure.
Yesterday alone was the most amazing day I’ve had in a long time. I had my mom safe and sound at my place enjoying the peace at the beach getting some sun. I got Abby on a board and kept her safe when she wiped out. Last night at the carnival, so much happened. I had fun with everyone, playing the water gun game, the sugar on Abby’s nose, then that major heart to heart talk later at night.
Holy hell, that was …
… rough.
… helpful.
… staggering.
… everything.
I don’t think she realizes having that talk with her meant a lot to me. I hope it helped her as much as it helped me. It reminded me once again the promise I made to myself - no more what ifs. If Abby chooses to take that route herself I can only hope she will take a chance on me, but I won’t push it. I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing while I’m here - help Nate with his tree business, do whatever I can for Christopher, and take care of my mom.
My mom, Leah Baker.
She did everything for Nate and I growing up; working fourteen hour days at her flower shop, Wild Roots, to make sure we had food, clothes, toys, you name it. She shouldn’t have had to of worked as hard as she did. We had a second income coming in to the family from my father but he usually blew it on booze and gambling at the dog track.
When he was home he was either yelling at Nate and I to not be useless pieces of shit. Even if we had already taken out the trash or washed the dishes he would yell at us to do it anyway because he was so damn drunk he couldn’t tell the difference. That wasn’t the worst part though. He was the same with mom, he yelled at her constantly in his drunken rages. Unfortunately, he was equally physically abusive with her. Nate and I have begged her for years to leave him but she won’t. She just says, “Through good times and bad. Through sickness and health. That is what I vowed. Besides, I have no where safe to go.”
I’ve begged and pleaded with her for years to leave. Nate has done the same. We’ve gone as far as leaving pamphlets about domestic abuse, asking her what her customers must think and talk about around town of her black eyes. She never has any argument other than saying “it’s my problem, not yours.” It is my problem, and Nate’s. We are the ones she calls and texts when shit’s gone too far and she needs help. Unfortunately for Nate it’s been more on him since he never left Florida. I high tailed it clear across the country to California the first chance I got. I couldn’t stand by and watch any longer. What was the point in staying if she refused to do anything about it?
Still, on this very day it’s like I never left. Here as I sit in my living room watching reality television shows on MTV, my mother sits across from me in the recliner with a fat lip at the hands of my father. She won’t look at me, nor will she talk to me. She knows exactly what I will say.
I’m silently watching her eyes dart from the television to different areas of the room. I can see the wheels turning in her head. I know what she’s thinking.
He’ll change.
Marriage is forever.
He didn’t mean it.
I’m used to it.
It’ll stop soon.
He loves me.
It’s my fault.
He didn’t hit me that hard.
It’s only because he’s drunk.
She hasn’t moved from this spot in almost a week.
She’s been in denial for so long.
What is it going to take to make her realize?
I’ve read the pamphlets.
I’ve watched documentaries.
I’ve talk to professionals.
I fear that when she does finally realize it, it’s not too late.
I remember my mom always telling me that Sunday is a day to relax, let my soul catch up with my body, and it should always start with a cup of coffee. This Sunday I intend on making a full pot of coffee. Christopher had a blast last weekend hanging out with Cole surfing and going to the carnival, and so did I, but we haven’t seen or heard from him since. Olivia mentioned Nate had seemed a bit absent as well. Whatever it is, I hope everything is okay. I hate seeing Christopher turn down a dejected trail again.
After three cups of coffee, and some much needed yoga in the living room I decide to bring a few of my homemade blueberry muffins I made earlier to Mrs. Humphrey. It’s the least I could do since they are from her blueberry bush. Stepping out the back door I realize I don’t have far to go, Mrs. Humphrey is already outside, looking up to the sky. I look up and around but I don’t see anything but the sun hidden by a few clouds. I don’t see a plane, or any birds of any kind.
“Hey, Mrs. Humphrey, what are you looking at?”
“Hello dear. I am looking at this old cypress tree. It’s been deteriorating for years. I’m worried it’s going to fall and land on my shed, or worse, my house,” she tells me.
“Don’t worry, I know a guy. His name is Nate, and he owns his own tree service business. I’ll give him a call.”
“Is that the same surfer guy Christopher was talking about?”
“Close, his brother.”
After a few additional minutes of talking I make my way back home and call Nate. He advises that he can come over around noon to take a look. I call Mrs. H and let her know when to expect him. I continue to go about my day picking up around the house while grooving to Michael Jackson’s Billie Jean. Music makes the task seem less daunting. Christopher says as long as I don’t sing aloud he’s fine with my old people music. I love that kid so much, even though he calls me old.
I don’t even realize how much time has gone by until Christopher mentions lunch. I turn my head and look at the clock on the stove and it reads five after twelve. Moments later I hear a vehicle outside my house. It sounds a tad loud and rumbly, so I can only assume it’s Nate. Just as I’m about to swing open my front door I come face to face with the Baker boys. Before I can say a word Christopher comes charging through the door like a baby bull.
“Cole,” Chris calls wrapping his arms around his waist.
The sight of Christopher holding on to Cole puts a halt on my beating heart. I can’t let Chris get close to Cole. Him being in our life for this short time has done wonders for Chris but I can’t expect him to be around all the time, especially after the day at the beach and the carnival, then he just disappears for a week. Cole doesn’t owe us a damn thing, but I can’t risk Christopher being hurt. His heart can’t take losing another man in his life, and frankly I can’t either.
“This way, Nate,” I say turning my back on the front door, motioning for Nate to follow me through the living room and kitchen for a quicker route to Mrs. Humphrey’s back yard. I don’t even look back to see if Cole follows.
Mrs. Humphrey is already outside waiting. I make formal introductions, and show Nate the tree in question. I’m happy to hear Nate convey to Mrs. H that he can cut down her old tree so she doesn’t have to worry about it falling on her home or shed. What warms my heart even more is that he tells her he won’t charge her and he’s going to take care of it right n
ow.
I excuse myself and step a few feet away when my cell phone in my back pocket starts ringing.
“Hello?”
“Abby, it’s Chloe. I need a huge favor,” my coworker confesses in an urgent tone.
“Chloe, are you okay? What do you need?”
“My dad was in a car accident. Can you work my shift tonight?”
“Oh Chloe, I’m so sorry. Let me ask my neighbor if she can watch Christopher and I’ll call you right back,” I tell her.
I turn to Mrs. Humphrey but she reminds me it’s her bingo night at the casino with her girlfriends. I call Olivia, but she tells me she’s already working the day shift. Pacing my back yard holding my cell phone tighter as if it can magically send me an answer as to who to call next I hear, “I can do it.” I turn around and see Cole. Before I can object, Christopher darts out from behind him shouting YES. I can’t think of anyone else I can call. I would tell Chloe I can’t do it but she covered my shift dozens of times when Dominic died. I can’t screw her over, so I agree.
I call Chloe back and tell her I can cover her shift tonight. I ask Mrs. H to keep an ear out for Christopher because I want to take a quick thirty minute nap before my shift. She turns to Chris mentioning making her famous grilled cheese for lunch and she needs a hand peeling apples for baking a pie. His eyes light up like stars once he hears about the pie. Chris loves Mrs. Humphrey’s apple pie. Nate tells me he won’t be here for more than hour if I can wait on my nap for a bit. Christopher runs inside to Mrs. H’s and I turn to go inside and make myself some lunch. I still don’t understand why Nate and Cole went rogue this week, they seem fine. I pull the door open to my home but something tells me to stop, something internal. I turn back to find Cole watching me. The look on his face … it was a look of protection? I’m not sure but I give him a warm smile and make my way in.
I can’t stop pacing. I don’t just mean one room, I’m pacing through every fucking room in my house. I don’t know how to stop. My heart is fucking racing as if it were was at the Daytona 500 up against only itself. I have sent Olivia four text messages in the last fifteen minutes and I’ve gotten nothing back. I know she’s working I just want to make sure she doesn’t leave until I get there. She’s the only one I can talk to about the dream I just had. I need her to slap some sense in to me. He kissed me, and I liked it, then I woke up. Oh no!