by J. A. Baker
Peggy
She is finding it hard to breathe. Her vision is blurring, a film of fear obscuring everything, and the room has now started moving like a ship on rough seas. She is being tossed about like loose cargo, her insides sloshing about, ready to present themselves if she doesn’t take hold of her senses.
She is aware of her mother standing over her, her dark eyes boring into her back, willing her to look up so she can savour the sensation of having power. She is so good at it. Audrey loves nothing better than to be able to exert her authority, make everyone around her feel useless and inferior. Being dominant is who she is. She’s probably been waiting for years for this moment, dreamt of it, been working towards it, had it in her sights since the day Peggy’s dad died. Nothing else to keep her occupied in her drab and dreary life.
Peggy looks up and is surprised to see tears in her mother’s eyes. A lump rises in her throat and she struggles to swallow it down. Her eyes suddenly feel heavy and the dizziness threatens to engulf her completely. She spreads her arms out on the cool, oak table and places her head down, enjoying the feel of the smooth wood against her burning skin. She can hear her mother speaking but can’t seem to summon up the strength to listen to what she is saying - just a torrent of words, meaningless, empty and hollow. She wants to enjoy not hearing anything for as long as she can because she knows it won’t last. Peggy knows that everything is about to break into a million tiny little pieces and the shattering sound will be heard far and wide, piercing the stillness, ruining the peace and tranquillity and, when that happens, there will be no going back. When the words all start to come together, clear and chilling, Peggy will have reached the point of no return.
Audrey’s voice continues to drone on. Peggy closes her ears. All she wants is a few more minutes. Just a little more time to remember how everything is before it all comes to a grinding, earth shattering halt. A hand strokes her back, slim fingers run through her hair, freeing up the knots and tangles. They continue down, over her head, soft and soothing, more caresses than she can ever recall receiving as a child. More than she is worthy of.
‘Peggy love, you need to lift your head up. This is really important. It might help you feel better to tell me everything. Get it off your chest, you know?’
She doesn’t know. Not at all. But like a small child, she complies with the request and stares up at her mother, her eyes glassy with unshed tears. She is too tired to weep. So exhausted by it all, by the burden of keeping it from everyone, by the burden of keeping it from herself. It’s gone on for too long now. Time to come clean. Time to step out of the crushing darkness and back into the light. But it’s so difficult, so exhausting. So final.
She puts her head back down and closes her eyes.
47
Audrey
This is it. And not before time either. Peggy is upset, she can see that, but keeping it all bottled up isn’t going to solve anything. You can tell just by looking at her that this whole sorry business is making her ill. Her arms and legs are stick thin, her face tiny and childlike; a person in miniature. She looks positively malnourished, her clothes hanging off her like loose rags. A walking skeleton. Audrey watches as she rests her head back down on the table and closes her eyes.
‘Come on, now. This behaviour isn’t helping anyone, is it?’
Audrey reaches out a hand and strokes her daughter’s hair, sweeping it out of her face before gently placing a hand under her chin and lifting her head up off the table. Peggy doesn’t resist, her body instead succumbing to Audrey’s light touch. For once there is no animosity from her, no struggle or conflict, which is just as well. Audrey’s scars from the fire were superficial but her skin is still healing. She too, feels sapped of her strength. Fighting with her daughter is beyond her.
‘Come on, Peggy, you may as well talk about it. This is making you ill; take a look at yourself! You’re a bag of bones.’
‘I’m fine, Mother. Stop exaggerating,’ Peggy croaks, her eyes suddenly dark and defensive.
Audrey lets out a short, trembling sigh. Never changed. Even after all these years. Why does her daughter insist on making everything so bloody difficult? Stubborn as a mule.
‘Well any idiot can see that you’re anything but fine, so why don’t you stop lying to me and to yourself and tell me why Sheryl’s sister was here?’ Audrey taps her long, slender fingers on the wood, the vibrations travelling up her arms and into her neck making her head buzz and quiver.
‘I don’t know why she was here,’ Peggy’s voice is slurred, her words one long stream of connected sounds as she turns her head away from Audrey and stares at the wall.
This is silly now. It’s all too much, this denial and pretence. Audrey strides around the side of the table, gets down on her haunches and places her face just centimetres away from Peggy’s. She will make her daughter talk, whether she wants to or not. Such an obstinate creature. Always was, probably always will be. If she hasn’t learnt to yield to the will of others by now then she never will.
‘Right,’ Audrey hisses, tiny flecks of spittle landing on Peggy’s cheek as she speaks, ‘if you won’t tell me why she was here then I will tell you. We spoke in the hallway, Rachel and I, so I already know what information she has,’ Audrey leans in even closer, a fire starting up in her belly, ‘but I would rather hear it from you before I go to the police …’
Peggy’s head snaps up, her eyes bulging in horror, ‘You wouldn’t, Mother!’
‘Try me!’ Audrey yells. She is fast losing her temper. Why in God’s name is Peggy protecting him? What kind of a hold does that man have over her daughter?
She waits, her fury tangible as she stands up and stares up at the clock on the wall. It feels like forever while she waits for her daughter to speak. Twice Peggy opens her mouth to say something and twice she shakes her head and closes it again. Audrey presses her lips together. Enough is enough.
‘Okay, have it your way, and don’t ever say I didn’t give you a chance to save him, to give me his side of the story.’ She heads into the hallway and comes back carrying her coat and bag.
‘What are you doing?’ Peggy snaps out of her trance-like state and turns to meet her mother’s gaze, their eyes locking together in a hard stare.
‘I’m calling a taxi and then I’m going to the police station to tell them everything I know about your husband’s affair with Sheryl. He is somehow connected to her and she came to visit him before she disappeared.’
‘NO!’ Peggy’s voice rings through the kitchen, a clear, sharp sound, full of fear and intent.
Audrey shoves her arms into her coat, punching her way through the fabric, her temper in full flow, ‘Yes! I am fed up of being ignored and your refusal to see any wrong in him, to talk about his affair with that poor woman. I mean, Jesus Christ, Peggy, she is missing!’ Her voice is trill, almost a screech, ‘Can you not see how serious this is? I honestly thought you were better than this! Your husband has something to do with her disappearance and you don’t seem to care.’
Peggy stands up now, her eyes blazing, and faces her mother.
‘Oh, don’t give me that look!’ Audrey snorts derisively, ‘Rachel already told me everything I need to know when we were in the hallway and you were in here going into a complete meltdown. Sheryl got dropped off here prior to going missing, telling the taxi driver she was coming to sort out some relationship issues. Don’t try and act as if Alec is innocent in all of this because I now know he’s as guilty as sin.’
‘He is NOT guilty!’ Peggy sways as she faces her mother, ‘He’s got absolutely nothing to do with Sheryl’s disappearance and he is definitely NOT having an affair with her!’
Audrey steps forward, her face so close to Peggy’s they are almost touching, ‘How do you know?’ Her fingers reach out, pale and accusatory as she grabs Peggy by the shoulder, shaking her hard. ‘You don’t know that for sure, do you, Peggy? You have no idea what your husband has been up to, do you? No idea at all!’
‘I DO kn
ow what he’s been up to and I can tell you he definitely hasn’t been having an affair with Sheryl.’ Large tears begin to roll down Peggy’s face, glassy goblets, dripping off her face.
‘How do you know that, Peggy? How the hell can you be sure? That’s not what Sheryl told the taxi driver, is it? She said she was coming here to sort out her relationship issues. And I SAW them together Peggy. Sitting together chatting, giggling like teenagers! How can you be so sure he wasn’t having an affair with her?’ Audrey’s nostrils are wide, her eyes blazing.
‘BECAUSE IT WAS ME!’ Peggy screams, her arms in the air, her fingers tearing wildly at her hair, ‘IT WAS ALL ME!’
The words hit Audrey like a slap in the face. Her breath catches in her chest, a bubble of fear and shock sending her brain into a state of confusion.
‘What was you?’ Audrey enunciates, the words buzzing in her ears. Everything begins to blur and she feels as if she needs to sit down. The tiled floor rises and falls under her feet as Audrey staggers helplessly. She straightens up but her head continues to swim. Gripping onto the edge of the table for support, her fingers suddenly feel cold and clumsy.
‘The affair,’ Peggy murmurs as she slumps awkwardly into her chair, her hands covering her face.
She sniffs loudly and Audrey can see Peggy’s fingers shaking as she begins to paw at her right eye. Audrey winces. She wants to stop her, to tell her to not say it and to leave her eye alone but the words stick in her throat; hard, angry rocks blocking her windpipe, depriving her of oxygen.
‘It was me having an affair with Sheryl,’ Peggy says, her voice a mere whisper, ‘It was me she came to see. Nothing to do with Alec …’
‘I don’t understand.’ Audrey averts her gaze away from Peggy. This can’t be happening. Her daughter is still lying to cover for him. She has to be. None of this is making any sense. It’s all lies. A dreadful web of deceit concocted by Peggy to cover for him.
‘Sheryl and me, we were lovers. I was the one having a relationship with her, not Alec.’
‘But I saw them together!’ Audrey feels a rage take hold, an inner core of heat and anger. This isn’t happening. She won’t allow it to happen. It’s Alec who is responsible for all of this. Not her daughter. Not Peggy …
‘You don’t get it, do you, Mother?’ Peggy shakes her head despondently and Audrey is shocked to see she is actually smiling, her face contorted into a grimace, ‘You actually have no fucking idea, do you? Not a bloody clue. Yes, Sheryl and Alec did used to meet up to chat and have coffee. She was his therapist for God’s sake! He used to visit her in town, go to a cafe or to her office where they would talk about his issues and how he should manage his temper.’
Audrey feels her legs buckle once more and clings tighter to the table to steady herself.
‘Therapist?’
Peggy rolls her eyes and stares at her mother in exasperation. ‘What, so just because a man and a woman spend some time in each other’s company, it means they’re sleeping together? You didn’t for one minute consider the fact there could another reason for their meet ups? He was seeing Sheryl for his anger issues but stopped a while back. Said it was going nowhere and he was going to do it on his own. The whole thing made him feel uncomfortable, made him feel like a failure. He can’t even bear to walk past her office any more.’
Audrey is unable to speak. She needs a drink. Badly. After the fire, she promised herself there would be no more alcohol but now …
She shakes the thought from her head, does her best to ignore the craving, to keep at bay the desperate, clawing urge to down a glass of whiskey. She can almost taste it - that deep, earthy flavour - and feel the comforting kick as it hits her stomach.
‘Where is she?’ Audrey manages to murmur, hoping the scenario she has got in her head is the correct one. He will have found them together and done something. He will have been upset - naturally; outraged even, and lost his temper. Peggy has told her he has problems controlling himself. He’s a violent man, a wicked man. He will have gone over the top, done something terrible, something final.
‘I - I can’t talk about it.’ Any remaining colour drains from Peggy’s face. Her scars remain a vicious shade of scarlet as she pulls at her hair, twiddling long, dark strands with trembling fingers.
‘You don’t have any choice, Peggy,’ Audrey says, her voice monotone and functional. It’s just a matter of time now, that’s all. ‘Rachel has already told me she’s informed the police so the sooner you tell me what he did, the better. Time to stop covering for him now, sweetheart. The worst is over.’
Peggy’s laugh fills the entire room, bouncing off the walls and ceiling, her teeth bared in a grimace. Audrey feels her skin crawl at the very sight of her, this woman before her that she hardly recognises. She watches Peggy’s skeletal features morph into something she can barely bring herself to look at, someone she no longer knows.
‘Over?’ Peggy barks, ‘You really think this thing is almost over? Jesus, Mother, you are so fucking naive. This thing is only just beginning. This is just the start of it. You have absolutely no idea.’
‘The start of what?’ Audrey closes her eyes. She doesn’t want to think about what is coming next. Everything is spiralling out of her control. She wants to reach out, grab it, put it all back where she can guard it and manage it, be in command of the situation, not be a passive bystander and watch as her daughter’s life disintegrates before her very eyes, an implosion on a grand and unprecedented scale.
‘Oh Mum, come on, please stop this!’
‘What? Audrey cries, every nerve and fibre in her body screaming out for alcohol, ‘Stop what?’
‘The blindness, Mum. You know exactly what I mean. Alec didn’t do anything to Sheryl. He didn’t even know she was missing for God’s sake! How could he have done anything to her? It was me that did it! Can’t you fucking well see that? It was me … it was me!’ Peggy’s sobs ricochet around the room as she collapses onto the floor in a mangled, bony heap. ‘Oh God, Mum, it was me! I killed her! I killed Sheryl. What the hell am I going to do Mum? What the hell am I going to do …?’
48
Peggy
In a perverse sort of way, it’s a relief. She has no idea how long she could have gone on for, living that lie. It has been the undoing of her, keeping it all together, trying to live a normal life. And now it’s all coming apart, untangling and falling to pieces and there’s absolutely nothing she can do about it. There’s nothing she wants to do about it, truth be told. It’s gone on for too long now. It needs to come to an end.
The floor feels cool and welcoming beneath her burning skin. Her bones ache and her head is on fire. No more than she deserves after what she did. Her mother’s voice wafts about somewhere over her head. She tries to listen, to take it all in but her brain has frozen. She is trapped in time, in this moment. A hell of her own making. She moves slightly, uncoiling herself, stretching her aching limbs before they lock into a position of permanent pain. Her mother’s words continue to drift over her, dream-like, an unnatural gathering of syllables. She pictures them like a river; a snaking entity, a jumble of sounds all struggling to fit into a coherent order, fluid and swirling above her head until at last they come together; they flit into her brain and she is finally able to make sense of them. They come across loud and clear, a booming reminder of her predicament; her mother’s voice, shouting, telling her to get up, to sit up, to sort herself out. Like a dutiful child, she obeys and feels Audrey’s long arms looping around her body, hoisting her up into a chair. She slumps, ragdoll-like, all her energy gone, no fight left in her. Perhaps she is having a breakdown, her madness on show for all the world to see. No more hiding away, no more fear, no more dread at being found out.
‘You need to listen to me, Peggy,’ Audrey’s face looms into view, her breath warm and smelling slightly of coffee and toothpaste, ‘you have to pull yourself together. We have to sort this out before Rachel goes to the police and they come here. Because they will. In no time at all the
re will be a police officer knocking at that door wanting to know what happened when Sheryl came here to see you and if they find you like this, helpless, guilt written all over you, then they will throw the bloody book at you!’
Peggy feels Audrey’s temper building, her frustration at Peggy’s inability to do anything tight and hard as a drum.
‘They have a witness now, Peggy. You HAVE to do something!’
Peggy looks up at her mother, the woman she has actively avoided for the past twenty years, the same woman who is now about to help absolve Peggy of the most heinous crime ever, ‘What, though? What am I going to do Mum? Oh my God, I’ve killed somebody! What the hell am I going to do?’ Peggy starts again, tearing at her hair, clawing at her scarred face, sobbing until she has no breath left.
The slap takes her breath away, sends her eyeballs rolling up into her head with the sheer force as Audrey’s hand connects with her face. ‘Pull yourself together! This is no time for hysteria, Peggy! Tell me what happened. I need to know everything so I can help you.’
She can barely breathe. Everything is coming tumbling down just as she knew it would; her life is a flimsy pack of cards collapsing around her. Nothing left to live for.
‘She came here to see me,’ Peggy says, her voice raspy, her throat sore and tender. Each word feels like an attack on her vocal chords. ‘Alec was at work. I had tried to break it off with her but she wouldn’t listen. I—’
‘How did it start? This affair?’ Audrey’s voice is laced with incredulity.
Peggy shakes her head miserably, ‘We started off as friends. Sheryl was a counsellor and I opened up to her about some problems Alec and I were having with our marriage …’
Audrey tuts loudly, disapproval written all over her face, disappointment etched into every pore, ‘Oh for God’s sake. What a cliché, Peggy! What a bloody stupid cliché this all is …’