Attempting to go to her chambers, she pushed past him and he grabbed at her again, this time pinning her in place.
“I did not want this to happen, Evie. Pray, believe me!”
Gabriel could not stand to see the disappointment, the remoteness in her eyes. What he would not do to replace that with the looks they shared not hours before.
She winced at his tight grip and he released her, lamenting his rough actions, knowing he had only served to demonstrate once more what a ruffian he really was.
“Evelyn, you must believe I had not the intention of causing you hurt.” He looked at her beseechingly, praying she would see the truth in his words. Surely she could not think him capable of deliberately paining her after everything he had shared with her.
“I know not what to believe,” she whispered.
“Believe in this,” he said gruffly, pressing a hard kiss on her mouth in desperation.
She pushed him off with a gasp and gave him a stinging slap across his cheek, the sound reverberating off the stone walls. He put a hand to his cheek but said nothing, knowing he had behaved wrongly, shame burning bright in his eyes. It seemed to him that every move he made was one of error.
“You sicken me. You work willingly for a man who cares for naught but himself. You talk of redemption, but do naught to atone for your misdeeds. ” She shook with anger and Gabriel flinched at her words, each one hitting him like an arrow to the heart, each one taking her further and further from him. “You are weak and pathetic. I shall forever regret letting you lay one finger on me.”
And with that last barb, she ran off to her chambers as Gabriel fell against the wall, every word she had just uttered cutting deep into his soul.
His one chance at happiness had been destroyed by his inaction and he did not blame her for her anger. He would forever savour those precious instants by the lake, knowing that for one moment someone cared for him, someone thought him a better man. He wished with all his heart he could have been the man she wanted him to be. His father had been right and now Evelyn was right, he was weak. He had lost her respect and hurt the person he cared about most in the world. Now, he thought grimly, he was well and truly beyond redemption.
***
Evelyn spent the rest of the evening in her room, unable to face the lord responsible for her brother’s death and petrified of seeing Gabriel. She wept until she could weep no more, not sure whether it was in grief for her brother, for her future, or for Gabriel. How she had gone so quickly from pure happiness to such misery? In spite of all that had befallen her in these few weeks, the time spent with Gabriel by the lake had filled her with hope. She knew that circumstances were still far beyond her control but somehow, in his arms, she felt as if she – or even they – could surmount anything.
And he had ripped that all away, she thought bitterly. She was angry at him, but also at herself for misjudging him so badly, for going against her initial instincts and believing that there was something good inside of him. Pain fisted around her heart as she considered his betrayal.
A quiet knock shook her out of her reverie and she swiped at her sore eyes.
“Enter,” her voice came out a whisper and she breathed a sigh of relief when she realised it was Mary.
Mary pushed through the door cautiously, holding a platter of food and some ale. “Forgive me, milady. Sir Gabriel asked me to bring you some food. He thought you may not join them for supper.”
Evelyn flinched at the mention of his name. “He did, did he?” she asked resentfully.
Placing the food on the side, Mary poured some ale and handed it to her. Reluctantly taking it Evelyn watched in surprise as Mary sat on the bed next to her and placed a reassuring hand on hers.
“I am sorry to hear about your brother.”
Evelyn said nothing but put her other hand on Mary’s, grateful for the comfort.
“I know what it is like to be alone in the world.”
“You do?”
Evelyn had not shared a particularly close bond with Mary, who was quiet and performed her duties with discreet efficiency, but she felt gladdened to have someone to share her grief with.
Mary nodded and gave her a sad smile. “I lost my mother and father when I was ten. My younger siblings died in infancy so there was just me left.” She looked at her earnestly and Evelyn gave her hand a squeeze. “I was luckier than most however. Sir Gabriel found me a position here in the castle. I know not what would have happened to me otherwise.”
“Sir Gabriel helped you?” Evelyn looked at her in surprise.
Mary smiled at her expression, knowing full well the reputation her master had. “Aye, he is a troubled man and I do not doubt he has done things he regrets, but he has only ever shown me kindness.”
“But if he is kind, as you say, why does he work for a man like Lord Tibald? I cannot believe that a truly honourable man would be happy to carry out his duties under someone so immoral.”
She coloured slightly, realising that the same could be said for Mary but she did not take insult.
“We are not all born into privilege,” she said softly. “Many of us have had to make hard choices and I believe Sir Gabriel has had to make the hardest.”
“What do you mean, Mary?”
“‘Tis not my place to say. Forgive me, milady, I have already said too much.” Mary stood up but not before giving Evelyn another little reassuring pat. “Now eat some food and surely everything will seem better soon.”
“Thank you, Mary,” Evelyn said with a sad smile, genuinely touched by the young girls concern and rather taken aback by such astuteness in someone of so few years.
Mary shut the door quietly and Evelyn was left alone once more. Mary’s words had struck her. She knew she had never had to make a hard decision in her life; never having to choose between two evils and, with a considerate and honourable father to guide her, even her choice to come to Lord Tibald had been an easy one. What if she never had anyone to guide her? She wondered what it was that Gabriel had to choose between.
Staying confined to her room for the coming days, wrapped in her grief, she avoided seeing Gabriel or Lord Tibald although, according to Mary, both were becoming increasingly agitated by her absence. Evelyn’s sorrow still ached within her, her grief for her father never having really been expressed and with her brother now gone, the enormity of her future descended upon her.
When Mary informed her Lord Tibald was anxious to talk with her, she childishly informed Mary she was struck by some malady, unable to face the immense decision that stood before her. Marry Tibald and have Beldersert, and herself, live under his rule or refuse, and likely fall under his rule by force anyway.
Her burning need for escape had never been so palpable, feeling as if she were stood on the edge of a precipice where one wrong step would take her to her end. Clinging irrationally to her last days of freedom, she refused to make the decision, instead hoping the world would somehow make it for her.
***
Stepping gently into her room Gabriel fought the urge to turn back as he carefully closed the heavy wooden door. Fear forced him forward rather than back, though it was still a battle. Fear that she would be struck down by illness; fear that he may never get the chance to explain, to redeem himself in her eyes. Fear made him stop a few feet from where she lay in her bed. Would she still look at him with such utter disillusionment? He suspected he could better bear her pity, than witness the sorrow he had caused. The light that was his Evelyn and been doused and he had been the one extinguish it.
Her ordinarily pale skin had a sallow look to it and her eyes, though closed, were swollen from weeping. A sharp pain stabbed at his chest that he was not able to offer her comfort when she needed it, but he was here now and regardless of whether she wanted his help or not, if she was unwell he would do everything in his power to ensure she recovered. Hell, he would gladly trade his miserable life for hers if he could!
A frisson ran through him as her lashes fluttered and he s
teeled himself for her reaction. Did she have any notion of the effect she had upon him? Her regard had meant everything to him and that he once had even the smallest fragment of her heart drove conflicting emotions through him. Pride, that he had received such affection, and despair, that he had lost something so precious. However, it came as no surprise to him that he had lost her. He was incredibly skilled at snuffing out anything good existing within his life, his entire adult life having been lived from mistake to mistake.
Red eyes met his and he held his breath momentarily, awaiting her reaction. Initially she looked vacantly at him and, for a mere moment, he hoped her anger towards him had subsided, but the spark of fire swiftly filled her green eyes, flickering dangerously with anger. She leapt up with a sound of exclamation and, remembering she was in her chemise, pulled at the blankets, pinning them to her chest with one shaking hand. Gabriel could not tell if she was quivering in anger, fear, or illness, but he prayed for none of them.
“What are you doing here?” she asked incredulously through ashen lips, vulnerability etched into her face and stance.
Gabriel found himself struggling to speak, feeling foolish for thinking that she would react with anything but disgust towards him, but he could not forget his concern for her and it forced the words out of his dry mouth.
“I…Mary said…” He coughed uncomfortably, shifting from foot to foot. “Are you unwell?”
“‘Tis no concern of yours.”
She raised her chin, slipping into her regal posture that Gabriel had come to recognise as a defensive move. Her exhaustion and grief clearly visible on her face did nothing to detract from her beauty and he could not help but admire her. With her tangled curls and delicate figure encased in a thin chemise, she looked so fragile. No doubt she would not be impressed with being called so but he had to fight the urge to bundle her into his arms.
Remembering the purpose behind his visit, he went to step forward until he saw her shrink back from him and he checked himself.
“Evie, if you are sickening I would offer you any aid that I could.”
“Do not call me that!” Her outburst seemed to startle her as much as it did him and she took a calming breath. “I want naught from you.” Her eyes narrowed and she pulled her blanket closer to her with both hands, bunching the fabric in a tight grip.
“Do not be foolish, if you have need of a physician will you not allow me to fetch one?”
“All I need is for you to remove yourself from my presence. You should not be here.”
He could see her chest rising with barely tempered anger and he stepped back not wishing to cause her any undue distress. Remembering not to use the endearment she now found so abhorrent he motioned to her bed.
“Evelyn, mayhap you should sit? I would not have you harm yourself.”
“You have caused enough harm!” Her voice rose and shook. “Will you not leave and let me grieve? I cannot bear to look upon you.”
Gabriel turned his head away from her, her words piercing through him. They were not unexpected but they still wounded his fragile heart. She had broken through all of his carefully built barriers and now he was completely susceptible to her every emotion. He could not let her see how much she pained him, knowing he had no right to feel any self-pity after everything he had done.
He turned back to her, recognising that he could not leave her until he knew she was taken care of. “Hell fire, Evelyn, just tell me what is wrong and I will gladly leave you to your grief!”
His words came out more harshly than he had intended, his hurt expressing itself as anger, but he was grateful to see she was not intimidated by his callous manner.
Evelyn held her ground, refusing to let him see how nervous she was in his company. He was still in his hauberk and surcoat, obviously having come straight from his duties, and it added to his bulk, causing his normally dominating form to swallow up more space within the small room. Add that to the fact she was in her chemise and she felt intensely unsettled. Her resentment was still tangible, but his appearance had caused such a mixture of feelings within her, she was not sure whether she was cross with him or herself, for her reaction to him.
Her days of confinement had allowed her to fade out the memories of their short time together, his cold reaction to her brother’s death convincing her of his demonic nature, erasing the kindness and decency she had seen within him. In her mind his features had been replaced with that of a monster, a twisted and blackened version of his handsome face. Now he was here in the flesh, her carefully constructed resentment seemed to crumble and all she saw before her was a lost soul whose dark eyes seemed to wrench at her heart.
Stepping around the bed in a false show of bravado, she was gratified to see a flicker of uncertainty at her unexpected move.
“Why this show of compassion? We both know you have little care for my welfare, as you have so proved.”
Watching his hands flex at his sides, she waited for him to grab at her, knowing she was frustrating him, but he maintained his position, his jaw working with tension.
“You know not of what you speak,” he said tersely.
She took a step forward, close enough that she had to angle her face up towards his to meet his eye, daring him to grab at her, desperate to prove her beliefs of him correct.
“I know enough, I know-”
“God’s teeth, Evie, I love you!”
Evelyn froze, his unexpected outcry crumbling any confidence she had felt and all she could do was gape at him.
He retreated from her, a weary hand pushing through his thick hair. With a sigh he looked back at her. “I did not intend to say that.”
Watching him wide eyed, she felt a pang of disappointment which she hid beneath a spiteful tone, “You did not mean it? I should be not surprised. You are so very experienced in deception.”
He glowered at her, her tone provoking irritation. “I meant no deception. I am not in the habit of saying things I do not mean.”
Evelyn realised he was right, he had never lied to her, even when she had probed him with awkward questions. Ones he knew she would not like the answers to, he still answered with absolute honesty. She began to doubt the incarnation of him she had created over the past days. His wearied and trouble expression caused her to cease her manipulations as an unanticipated sense of remorse settled upon her.
“I am not unwell,” she admitted and watched as a look of relief swept over his face. “I needed time to think.”
He nodded his understanding. “What will you do?”
“I know not.”
She noted his look of dismay as tears sheened in her eyes and she suspected he wished to pull her into his arms, almost as much as she wished to be embraced in them, but she held firm, holding herself and the tears at bay, unable to forget the hurt.
“Then run, Evelyn, I beg of you. I have money, ‘twould see you settled elsewhere and I can put you in touch with men who can offer protection.”
She could not deny she had considered it. She had thought about selfishly abandoning Beldersert to its fate and securing the freedom she so anxiously sought.
“You cannot offer it yourself?”
“I would that I could. I must stay.”
“Why? Because of him? Look at what he has turned you into. You owe him naught Gabriel!”
Unable to understand his loyalty to such a man, her frustration and anger built once more.
“You are wrong. I owe him everything.”
“What do you owe him? Why will you not seek the redemption you so desperately crave? I have seen it Gabriel, in your eyes and in your words. You do not live this life as other men do because you enjoy it.”
“That may be so, but ‘tis the only life I have known. I will not throw away years of toiling to an uncertain fate.”
“This is about your land? ‘Tis for the sakes of greed that you sell your soul to Tibald?”
“Nay, Evelyn. You would yet again misjudge me. Mayhap if you would take a moment to put asi
de your blind judgments you would see that I am but a lowly man and men make mistakes.”
Surprised and hurt by the truth in his words, she shoved at his chest. “Aye and I can see I was mistaken in believing you to be a better man!”
Her push had little effect on his broad chest but he allowed her to manoeuvre him back towards the door. Tears of frustration beaded in her eyes and, upon seeing this, he turned and opened the door which groaned open as if reluctant to release the pair from their quarrel.
He looked to her briefly and spoke quietly, the deep timbre of his voice seeming to reverberate through her, sending a shiver to her toes. “‘Twas not my intention to upset you, Evie, you must believe that.”
Unable to meet his eyes, she kept her head lowered until she heard the heavy thud of the door shutting. With a short dash, she threw herself onto her bed, her mind a tangled web of confusion. Was he right about her? Had she spent so long being pandered and protected that she behaved as if she were better than others? Admittedly she knew little of hardship but she believed herself to be a fair judge. Mayhap if she had lived a less privileged life, she would not condemn him so harshly. She lay on her bed as time passed, thoughts converging in her jumbled mind.
Unsure of how long she had been there, a sudden urge to flee struck her, the need for escape that she had so valiantly fought against taking over her and, with a flurry of hands, she threw on her riding gown. Before she was even aware of what she was doing she hurled open her door and dashed to the stables.
***
Gabriel was up on the curtain wall, recovering from their confrontation. Her lack of faith in him, though warranted as far as he was concerned, gnawed at him. He could not face the irritating presence of his master, so he escaped to the edge of the castle walls in an effort to regain some control of his emotions.
The Crimson Castle Page 9