by Raquel Belle
“You still look moody,” Leena said, when we came back to the pool table. Steph shook her head at Leena and handed me my beer. Leena offered a small smile. “I hope it’s not flat,” she said.
“Where are Neil and Jimmy?” Shane asked.
“They went to get wings and talk about some deep shit,” Steph said. She downed the rest of her drink. “Alright Shane, rematch.” He looked like he wanted to ask questions, both he and Leena did. But they didn’t. We played a couple rounds of pool, then I caught a ride with Steph, since Jimmy had picked me up. She dropped Shane and Leena off. Then I got behind the wheel to drive home. It was quiet for a few minutes.
“Are you gonna visit Neil tonight?” Steph asked.
“Nah, I doubt he wants us babying him now. I’ll give him a call in the morning,” I said.
She nodded. “How do you feel about … all of that?”
I sighed deeply and shrugged again. “I’d been mad at him for so long, so I could’ve missed a lot of shit that was going down in his life. This just … I didn’t know he was dealing with something so serious, and I feel guilty for shutting him out all this time. What if how I was treating him made him go back to the drug? What if he struggled because of me?” I said.
Steph laced her fingers with mine on my free hand. “Neil has always had family issues. He can’t stand them. I’m sure it was more about that then you, Mark. Don’t blame yourself. The best thing you can do now is be there for him however he needs,” she said. I nodded. She looked down. “I didn’t know that you blamed Neil all this time for what happened between us.”
“I wanted someone to blame other than myself because it fucking sucked, losing you, and I couldn’t own that completely. I didn’t want to,” I said, venting. “I was totally blind to how much I could’ve hurt Neil in the process.”
“Well, he’s the one who chose to keep it from you guys for so long,” she said. “But don’t worry about what could’ve happened. He’s still here, and he’s gonna be okay now that you guys know and can support him,” she said. “As for the whole blaming situation … it’s pretty shitty that you put the blame on Neil for something that you did,” she said.
I glanced at her for a second then focused on the road again. “Jesus, Steph …”
“You need to own that, Mark,” she said.
“Do you forgive me?” I asked. Stephanie opened her mouth to say something, but then she closed it. I glanced at her again and squeezed her hand briefly. I really needed to hear her answer.
“Do you admit it, fully? Like without blaming Neil?”
“I—” I took a deep breath. She was asking me to acknowledge that I hurt her. Me alone and no one else. “I kissed someone else, Stephanie, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I hurt you and broke our trust,” I said. I glanced at her a couple of times. We pulled up to a red light, and I searched her eyes. “Do you forgive me?”
“Yeah, I … I do forgive you, Mark,” she said. I leaned over and kissed her a few times. The car behind us honked, and I realized that the light had turned green.
“Do you want to stay over tonight? Will your dad be okay by himself?” I asked.
“There’s food and TV at the apartment, so he’ll be fine,” she said.
When we got to my place, we kicked off our shoes and settled in the second floor living room. I turned on Netflix, and I could’ve guessed that she’d want to watch Friends.
“Is it weird that I feel like I don’t know him at all?” I asked Steph. I had my arm around her, and her fingers were laced with mine. She leaned against my chest and had her feet tucked under a pillow for warmth.
“Not after he’s been holding such a secret from you guys,” she said. “I don’t blame you. That broke my heart though. To hear him admit all of that.”
I looked down at her and searched her eyes for the thing that made Steph such a good person. She was able to empathize with people on a level that I just couldn’t sometimes. Not even the ones who were the closest to me.
“You’re so much better than me. Do you know that?”
She shook her head. “Don’t say that.”
I kissed her cheek and glanced at the TV. “It’s true.”
She sighed. “So all this time, you’ve never gotten relatively serious with anyone?”
“What? No,” I said. “Like I said, you’re the only woman I see myself settling down with. Any other woman, I just compared to you, and it never ended well.” I shrugged.
Stephanie bit her lip as if she was thinking about that. I fought the urge to kiss her again. I wanted the rest of the night to be about us without any other pressures or expectations.
“What about you?” I asked and quirked my brow at her. She looked at me, as if I were nuts.
“I … Mark, I never trusted any guy I dated. I never dated seriously because it was the only way to avoid being hurt,” she said.
“That makes me feel like shit, Steph!” I said and groaned.
She actually laughed at me. “It’s okay though. I mean—it’s fine. Because now I can work all of that out with you. Sounds like fun, right?” she stuck her tongue out at me, and I bit down on it. She squealed, but I held her, as I peppered her face with kisses.
“As long as we stick together, then yeah,” I said.
Chapter Fourteen
Stephanie
Come morning, I had coffee with Mark and then drove home. Leena called me, just as I walked through the front door. My dad was nowhere to be seen.
“Hey, you don’t have school today?” Leena asked.
“No, it’s another planning day. The week or so before breaks are usually shorter. I only go in tomorrow, Wednesday, and Thursday. Why, what’s up?” I asked.
“Do you want to grab breakfast? Maybe bring Joe along?”
I put my purse down in the living room and glanced outside at the balcony. He wasn’t out there. “Sure, let me just find him,” I said and walked to the hallway to knock on his door. “Where did you have in mind?” I said into the phone. “Dad?” I called through the door.
“Yeah?” he said, though his voice was muffled. A minute later he opened the door, with a pair of socks in his hand and a different flannel shirt and pair of jeans on.
“Do you want to get some breakfast?” I asked. “With your favorite person?” I added.
“Leena? Hell yeah, I want to get breakfast with her,” he said.
I rolled my eyes. The fact that he thought of Leena first as his favorite person stung a bit. “I’m your daughter!” I yelled. Leena cracked up on the other line.
“She’s my adopted daughter. Is she on the phone now?” he asked. I nodded and handed it over. Of course, he wanted to speak to her.
“I’m going to take a shower, and then we’ll head out,” I said and walked to my room. Once I was refreshed and changed, I found my dad sitting in the living room, ready to go.
“Leena said she wants pancakes and the whole nine,” he said. I already knew where she wanted to meet up then. There was only one pancake house in Seattle that she went to regularly.
“Alright, let’s go,” I said. We drove to the restaurant and met Leena there. She was already sitting at a table.
“Joe!” Leena said as soon as she saw him and gave him a huge hug. “Still not aging, I see!”
“Oh stop. I know I’m old. It’s you who hasn’t changed. You look healthy,” he said. That was one of Joe’s highest compliments. Leena kissed me on the cheek, and we all sat down.
“What have you been up to in Portland?” Leena asked him. “Same old stuff?”
“Yeah. Just been fishing, really. Well, I do have a gig over at the bank taking tickets in the garage. It’s not too bad of a life,” he said.
I smiled, even when I found him annoying. It was hard not to love Joe. I glanced around the cafeteria style dining room. It was huge. Servers hurried around the tables. The whole restaurant ran like a finely tuned machine.
“Which one is our waiter?” I asked.
“Oh he’s
… over there,” Leena said. She waved the server down, and we all ordered the same pancake breakfast with sides of eggs and bacon. He poured us coffee, and then left to grab biscuits and orange juice for Joe.
“Have you been fishing since you got to Seattle?” Leena asked him.
“I haven’t yet. You know, Steph’s never been one for fishing. I usually have a buddy out there with me. Otherwise I’ll start talking to the fish,” he said.
“Dad, if you want to go fishing, I’ll go with you,” I said.
“Or we can go, Joe. You’re the one who taught me how to fish, remember?” Leena said. She referred to our first Spring Break in college when my dad freaked out and wouldn’t let me go anywhere tropical. He took Leena and I out on his boat for a weekend and all we did was fish, grill, and sunbathe.
“Alright, well when you’re not too busy, we’ll find a nice spot,” he said.
I sighed. “Why don’t you just adopt her, dad?” I said. Leena stuck her tongue out at me.
Joe tore a sugar packet and poured it into his coffee. “Since when are you the jealous type?” he asked.
Leena’s eyebrows lifted, as if she knew the answer but didn’t want to say anything. I gave her a pointed look for her to keep quiet. “So these past couple nights you’ve been spending at Mark’s, huh?” Joe asked when he realized his first question was going unanswered. Leena looked at me and pressed her lips together, as if trying not to laugh.
“Uh,” I said.
Leena snickered.
“I’ll take that as a yes,” Joe said. The waiter came back with the biscuits and orange juice. I took one and a pack of grape jelly to spread on top.
“What all happened last night, though, at the mixer?” Leena asked. Joe glanced at us, confused, but he didn’t say anything.
“Mark and Neil had been having issues since we split up. It turned out that Mark partly blamed Neil for what happened and then Neil confessed last night that he’s been struggling with a cocaine addiction for about nine years,” I said. Leena’s jaw dropped. Joe’s bushy eyebrows shot up. I took a sip of my coffee and nodded sagely.
“Yeah, Mark feels terrible because he thinks that the resentment he had towards Neil might’ve contributed to Neil going back and forth with the drug. They almost fought outside of the bar too,” I said.
“Shit,” Leena said.
“That’s a lot to take in,” Joe said, “so, what happened? What are they going to do for him?”
“Well, Jimmy took Neil out for something to eat after he and Mark apologized to each other and patched things up. Mark said he’d be there for him because you know Neil can’t count on his family, really,” I said.
“Yeah, I met his sister once, and I’ll never forget what a walking pile of prissy shit she was,” Leena said. Her tone was still surprised, but I stopped myself from laughing at her comment. “Man, I can’t believe that … well … actually, I can,” she said in a low voice.
“He’s always been wild,” I agreed.
Leena shook her head. “So, it’s a serious thing then? Like he has to go to AA and stuff?”
“I don’t know. But I do know that someone who has an addiction to one drug should be staying away from all of them, including alcohol,” I said.
“Now that you all know, he should be able to do better with a support system,” Joe said.
“Yeah,” Leena agreed. It was quiet for a few minutes, as that somber news passed over us and we ate biscuits and drank coffee.
“So you and Mark are back together then, finally?” Joe asked. I sighed, unsure how to answer.
“I guess so … I forgave him and everything,” I said.
“You forgave him?” Leena asked. “You guys are actually back together?”
I nodded. “It’s hard to keep distance between us when all that history exists. And he’s still a good person. I mean, he’s still the guy I fell in love with back then. My feelings caught up with me after we cleared the air around what split us up,” I said.
“You told him about the miscarriage, then?” Joe asked. I opened my mouth to answer him, but our waiter and a runner came to our table with our food. When they were gone, I shook my head.
“No. I don’t want to tell him, Dad. I don’t think it’s necessary for him to know.” Joe looked at Leena, who had been craving the pancakes so much that she wasn’t even paying attention to us.
“I don’t know, Stephanie,” Joe said. “It’s better to be completely honest than to hide things. Wouldn’t you want him being completely honest with you?” I sighed and grabbed the maple syrup to pour over my pancakes.
“I think you’re going to have to tell him eventually, Steph,” Leena said. I rubbed the center of my chest, feeling a huge amount of pressure there. After we ate, Leena had to go in to work. My dad and I hung out at the house, since I was getting some work done myself. It was a quiet day.
***
On Tuesday morning, I left the house later than I should have and got stuck squarely in morning traffic. I lived close enough to the school that I didn’t think I’d need anyone to watch the class, but still, my anxiety was mounting every time I had to press on the brakes.
My phone started to ring and it came through the car speakers, I glanced at the screen on the dash, it was Mark. “Morning,” I answered.
“Good morning. I missed you yesterday,” he said.
“Yeah, I kept meaning to call you, but I ended up getting pulled by one thing or another,” I said.
“You have school today?” he asked.
I glanced at the time, my anxiety was building. It was something about being so close to my destination, yet not being able to get there because there was so much congestion on the road. “Yeah, my last day before the break is on Thursday though,” I said.
“Great, I was looking into some outdoorsy stuff we could do with your dad. I don’t know if you would be interested in fishing. Neil has a big boat that he said I could borrow. We could make a day out of it,” Mark said.
“Actually, that’s perfect! Yesterday, he mentioned fishing. But we have to bring Leena, She’s his favorite daughter,” I said.
Mark chuckled. “I’m sure. So I talked to Neil yesterday. Jimmy and I went to his place, and we hashed things out completely.”
“Oh, shit. What did he say, what did you say?” I asked.
“In a nutshell, he said that the boxing classes we do every week really helps him. He does need help staying away from the booze so that he can stay away from the cocaine. Jimmy’s gonna go with him to AA meetings as a pseudo sponsor and uh, we just have to be more conscious when deciding to go out and whatnot. No bars, no alcohol available to the naked eye for now,” Mark said.
I took a deep breath, feeling better and hopeful for Neil. “I’m glad you guys had that talk. I wanted to punch him too the other day when he admitted everything. Why wouldn’t he be truthful with you guys? Or, Jimmy at least?”
“Neil has enough pride for five guys,” Mark said and snorted. “He gets the non-sharing thing from his family, though. I understood where he was coming from yesterday. Another thing was that he didn’t want to jeopardize the company. We’re publicly traded, so none of this can come out. He thought he could handle it by himself.”
I checked the time again and groaned. “Ugh, I have to call the school and have someone greet my kids for me. I’m a block away, and I’m late because of traffic to the school,” I sighed.
“Talk to you later, love you,” Mark said.
“Okay, bye,” I said and hung up. Then I froze and my eyes widened in horror. Had he just said that he loved me for the first time since we got back together? Had I just hung up on him? “Shit,” I breathed and pinched the bridge of my nose. Then I wondered, was I ready to say I love you back?
When I made it to Norman Port, I parked and practically stumbled to class with my purse in hand, my briefcase tripping on its wheels, and all wide-eyed after how that conversation ended with Mark.
“Ms. Renner!” the class welco
med me loudly and in unison. All thoughts and worries about Mark swept from my mind when I saw their cute, smiling faces. I had all afternoon and all night to think about what I’d say to Mark.
Chapter Fifteen
Mark
“So, she just hung up?” Neil huffed, as he started to round out punches against the agility bag. Since I missed our last boxing session, we’d rescheduled for the morning. I picked up my water bottle and took a drink. The rhythmic sounds of gloves hitting punching bags, or hand pads was sort of like being in a marching band’s muted, percussion section.
I shrugged and turned around to watch one of the professional boxers climb into the ring for a shadow boxing session. “Yeah, I mean, she had to go. It’s work …”
“But the way you describe it sounds like you just let it slip,” he pointed out. I scratched the back of my head and turned around to face him again.
“Neither of us were ready for it, I guess. It came out so naturally. It’s not like I don’t mean it. I love her, and I’ve never stopped,” I said. Neil hopped side-to-side on his toes and put his glove up to stop the agility bag from bouncing back to his face.
“I know you mean it, but you can’t blame her for just ending the call like normal,” Neil said. He reached down for his water bottle and squeezed water into his mouth.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Hey, did you take a look at that program Jimmy’s working on yet?” Neil asked. We walked towards the lockers at the back of the gym.
“No, is it any good?” I asked. Neil snorted and gave me one of his struck gold looks. It was the same one he had always given me when we were hopefuls in college.
“You kidding? Mark, when you get home, that has to be the first fucking thing you look at,” Neil said. “He’s laying framework for high-level internet security. We could potentially sell this to the government.” That gave me pause. So far JNM has been purely commercial. But if we could sell security to the government or any government, the potential for profit would be huge.