by Cavan Scott
Yours in even more worry than before,
Nardole
N. I think it’s important to know where she’s going with this. What her ultimate goal is. You’re obviously a keen student of human idiom; have you heard the expression ‘give her enough rope …’? D
Dear Sir, Is that the expression that goes ‘give her enough rope and she’ll tie you up, escape and probably destroy the universe’? N
N. Don’t be silly. D
*
MADAM: Mission Statement
Dear XX chromosome humans,
My name is Missy and I am much, much cleverer than you, but because I am also a woman at the moment, we have a bond. (A bond is apparently ‘a force or feeling that unites people’ and nothing to do with handcuffs. Sad face.)
It has come to my notice that being a woman isn’t just about the addition of some wobbly bits and a sudden inability to grow a goatee. Apparently throughout the history of this ludicrous rock (offence intended), the addition of a Y chromosome is bizarrely seen as somehow ‘better’. So we’re going to do something about it, poppets. First we get rid of the stinky old patriarchy in a few teeny-tiny bloody revolutions, then we take over the world. Okey-dokey, everyone? My general advice would be to kill all men, but I suppose it’s all right if you want to keep a few as pets. Or decorations. Or kitchen utensils.
Actually, second thoughts, probably not a lot of fun ruling the world if you don’t have anyone to lord it over. I’m imagining maybe a tournament, men versus gorillas, men versus sharks, men versus spiny anteaters. The winners get to survive, hurrah! Also they can do all the housework and bake cupcakes and it’ll be the law to tell them they’re rubbish at parking.
‘Why me?’ you’re probably asking. Well, mainly it’s because I’ve read about you in a book. Yes, you end up in books, there’s no need to get big-headed about it. But you’re either already delightfully violent or in positions close to power, so I’ve chosen you as my little team, yay! Further instructions to follow.
Love and snogs,
Missy
PS. Babies. I understand that for some unfathomable reason, on this planet women grow sprogs inside of them and then just pop them out one day, along with half their internal organs and a bucket of slime. This is a ridiculous system. Change it.
*
Dear Doctor,
You really need to read the attached. She’s advocating mass murder! Androcide! Or slavery, or something! What if some of these women take her up on the idea? The whole of history could be changed!
Yours close to panic,
Nardole
N. Oh, she’s just messing with them. There’s almost no chance of any permanent damage to the time lines. D
Dear Sir, there’s almost no chance of anyone being killed by a tortoise dropped by an eagle, but you try telling that to the playwright Aeschylus. N
N. We don’t talk about Aeschylus. Look, I tried to save him. I dressed up as a soothsayer and did all this ‘Beware falling objects’ business, but he got it into his head that meant he’d only be safe outdoors, and before I could convince him otherwise, the tortoise had landed. D
MADAM: Some Helpful Responses
It seems there are various annoying things that men say to women a lot. Some of these have been said to me. I have, of course, instantly vaporised the sillies, but you may prefer the subtler approach. Here are some ideas of how to respond if they are said to you.
IDIOTIC MAN SAYS: ‘You’d be prettier if you smiled.’
RESPONSE: Ask him if he’s heard of a ‘Glasgow smile’. Produce your cut-throat razor. Demonstrate the Glasgow smile. Tell him he’s now much prettier. Maybe sprinkle some glitter around just to make sure.
IDIOTIC MAN SAYS: ‘You must be a witch.’
RESPONSE: Summon a demonic entity. While he’s distracted by the demonic entity, burn him at the stake. Don’t forget the marshmallows.
IDIOTIC MAN SAYS: ‘I thought you were on a diet.’
RESPONSE: Stuff seven chocolate cakes down his throat, a Mars Bar up each nostril, turn his intestines into spaghetti, make spaghetti carbonara, eat.
IDIOTIC MAN SAYS: ‘Calm down, dear.’
RESPONSE: Stay calm. Stab him.
*
Sir, this stuff is still very murdery. N
N. Keep watching. We need to know her exact plan. No one will get murdered. D
Sir, I hate to disagree with you, but we’re talking about a person who has turned entire planets into fireballs just to get enough light to put on her eyeshadow. N
N. She’s changing her ways. D
D. I wish I was as sure of that as you are. N
*
MADAM: Things Women Aren’t Allowed to Do
At various points in your history, women have been forbidden to do certain things. Here is some advice if you find yourself in any of these situations.
TOP TEN THINGS WOMEN AREN’T ALLOWED TO DO AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT:
1. VOTE
Solution: Get a very short pencil and put a cross next to the candidate’s name. I’m sorry, that should have read, get a very short pencil and use a crossbow to fire it at the candidate’s brain. Tip: aim for the eyeball. It’ll go right through. Squidgy jelly fun.
2. JOIN A GOLF CLUB
Solution: Select a 9 iron. Then insert it (see diagram 43).
3. BECOME POPE
Solution: Become Pope anyway. Oh, all right, you can disguise yourself as a man if you like. Just don’t give it away by giving birth during a procession (I’m looking at you, Joan). Maybe do some stabbing as well, just in case.
4. GET ON A BOAT
Solution: Apparently it’s unlucky. Prove those sexist sailors right by blowing them all away with a machine gun.
5. SUCCEED A PARENT AS MONARCH IF THERE ARE ANY MALE HEIRS
Solution: Slaughter all male heirs. Slaughter the monarch before he can have any more male heirs. Become monarch.
6. RIDE A BICYCLE
Solution: Get two men. Tie their hands to their ankles. Join with a bicycle chain. Stick a saddle on one and handlebars on the other. Cycle merrily away. Don’t forget to ring your bell!
7. DIVORCE THEIR HUSBAND
Solution: Oh, honey, why would you even contemplate divorce in the first place when there’s arsenic in the world? Strychnine’s good too, they make really funny faces and a sort of ‘bleerughaargheeek’ noise.
8. OWN PROPERTY
Solution: Someone or other once said that all property is theft. So steal the property. Then kill whoever thought it wasn’t your property in the first place.
9. COMPETE IN OR WATCH THE OLYMPICS
Solution: Set up your own games. Make them sound really super sexy. Let the men beg to be allowed to watch. Let them in. Then let those javelins fly!
10. ACT IN THE THEATRE
Solution: Thank your lucky stars, girlies. Who’d be an actor?
*
Sir!
This morning I intercepted an order for 47 extra-smartphones, each to be sent to a different part of Earth’s history – Ancient Troy, the Wild West, fifteenth-century France. What’s she up to now?
I know you said to give her enough rope, but she’s turning history into some sort of temporal cat’s cradle!
Yours even more worried now, and if you recall, I was pretty worried already,
Nardole
N. I’m not stopping her just when it’s getting really interesting! I think the outlines of her plan are starting to appear. She’s never shown much interest in Earth’s history before. Well, there was the time that she pretended to be a French knight in order to prevent Magna Carta being signed. I don’t know why. I think mainly because she liked the beard. Ginger. Oh, and the time she tried to hijack a meeting of scientists that George Stephenson set up. I don’t know why. Something about making the Earth a powerbase. Didn’t make a lot of sense. Let’s not even start on the Atlantis muddle. So this sudden interest – it’s got to be going somewhere. Somewhere major. Probably connected with univ
ersal domination. You are my eyes and ears! Keep watching and listening. D
*
SPACEBOOK PROFILE
NAME: The Mistress
JOB: Sparkly happy good fairy at The Doctor’s Happy Happy Vault of Niceness
NICKNAME: Missy
OTHER NAMES: Professor Thascales, Colonel Masters, Reverend Magister, Sir Gilles Estram, Mister Saxon. Look, if I called myself ‘Reggie’ or ‘Dave’ the Doctor never even had the decency to suspect it was me. I used to go to a lot of trouble dressing myself up for him so is it so wrong to want some attention?
CURRENT CITY: Bristol. I have absolutely no plans to wipe it off the face of the Earth with a tactical nuclear strike and anyone who claims otherwise is a liar, liar, pants on fire.
RELATIONSHIP: I don’t even know what that is.
FAVOURITE QUOTE: ‘I only need two things. Your submission and your obedience to my will.’
LIFE EVENTS: Born, Died, Died, Died, Died, Died, Died, Died, Died, Died, Died, Died, Died, Died, Took over some bloke’s body, Died, Died, Died, Became a human, Stopped being a human, Died, Died, Became a woman, Ruled!
*
D. Now she’s set up an account on Spacebook! N
N. Could be interesting. By the way, thanks for the extra-smartphone. D
D. I haven’t sent you an extra-smartphone! It must be some sort of trap! N
N. Nope, definitely from you. D
*
SPACEBOOK – CREATE NEW GROUP
Name Your Group: MADAM
Add Some People:
Joan of Arc
Lady Jane Grey
Agrippina the Younger
Annie Oakley
Pocahontas
Lady Godiva
Agatha Christie
Mata Hari
Elizabeth Tudor
Nell Gwyn
Helen of Troy
Mary, Queen of Scots
Mary Tudor
Lucretia Borgia
Grace O’Malley
(You can add more later)
Personalise your invitation with a note:
Let’s get down to business. We need to discuss how YOU can change the world. With a little help from your new BFF, Missy!
Select Privacy: Top Top Top Top Top Top Top Top Secret.
*
D. This looks like her next move. She’s sent out several batches of invitations, all to women. N
N. Can you get hold of one of those extra-smartphones for me? I think I need to supervise this personally. D
D. I’ve ordered one for you. Should arrive three hours ago. Ohhhhh, I see. N
N. Just thank your lucky stars I remembered I needed to ask you to order it for me. It could have turned out like the curling tongs/badger incident. D
I won’t mention Aeschylus again if you keep quiet about the curling tongs/badger incident. I still get nightmares. N
*
MISSY has started a conversation.
MISSY: Welcome, girlies! Let’s take over the world!
GRACE O’MALLEY: Sounds good to me!
MISSY: Now, I know killing men is something that we all like to do for fun, but because I have been told very definitely that it’s slightly naughty, my proposal is that we only kill men when it’s really, really necessary, like if they stand between us and the throne to a kingdom, or if they spill our pint. OK?
LUCRETIA BORGIA: Spoilsport.
JANE AUSTEN: I beg your pardon, Madam, but think I may have been added to this group in error. Indeed, I have no desire to kill a man, be he ever so proud, miserly, or deceitfully inclined to lie about his marital or financial prospects in a way that would cause much pain and injury to a dear friend or sister of mine.
MISSY: It’s a truth universally acknowledged that you need a kick up the backside, then.
JANE AUSTEN: I pray, do not turn such cruel words upon me.
MISSY: I’ll turn something on you all right.
JANE AUSTEN has left the group.
MISSY: Well. Anyone else want to wimp out like Miss Regency Knickers?
AGATHA CHRISTIE: I’m not really sure what I’m doing in this group.
MISSY: Oh, come on! You’ve probably bumped off more people than anyone else here, maybe Bloody Mary excepted, and I have to say, you do it in style. Not afraid to sign your name to it, either. That’s my kind of gal.
AGATHA CHRISTIE: But I only kill people in fiction!
MISSY: Fiction? What fun’s that? You need to get your hands dirty. Feel the blade slipping in, watch the cheeks turning blue …
AGATHA CHRISTIE: I think you need help.
MISSY: Well, of course I need help! I’m locked up in a vault! I can’t do it all myself. That’s the whole point of this group!
AGATHA CHRISTIE: This is obviously some sort of joke, but I don’t understand it. Goodbye, ladies.
AGATHA CHRISTIE has left the group.
MISSY: What a pair of wusses.
BOUDICCA: Put all men to the sword!
MISSY: That’s the spirit!
MESSALINA: I don’t want to kill all men. Not the pretty ones. Or the rich ones. Or the ones with really big muscles. And, you know, the ones with those gorj smooth chests that can be oiled up and you can run your hands all over …
MISSY: That’s all right, I’ve said we can keep a few. Anyway, it’s mainly kings and emperors we want to mash. Let’s start with Henry VIII.
CATHERINE PARR: My husband?
KATHERINE HOWARD: My husband, I think you’ll find.
ANNE OF CLEVES: It is I who am to be married to the English könig, Henry!
JANE SEYMOUR: I fear you are mistaken. Henry is my husband.
ANNE BOLEYN: As if! He’d never go for a little mouse like you!
CATHERINE OF ARAGON: Henry has had but one wife in all his days, and I am she.
MISSY: Well, I see you six have a lot to talk about. Let’s leave that for the moment. Let’s talk about methods instead.
LUCRETIA BORGIA: Poison. You can be hands off, also you can poison many men with a single draught.
MISSY: Like it, Lucy!
CIRCE has joined the group.
MISSY: Hang on, who are you?
CIRCE: I am Circe the enchantress.
MISSY: I didn’t invite you!
CIRCE: I am a daughter of the gods! I need no invitation! I go where I please!
MISSY: Right … and what do you think about men, then?
CIRCE: I use my magicks to enchant them and turn them into pigs.
MISSY: Pigs?
CIRCE: Yes. Look, here’s an anti-men joke. ‘Why can’t men get mad cow disease? Because all men are pigs!’
MARIE ANTOINETTE: Qu’est-ce que le ‘mad cow disease’?
CIRCE: OK, that one might have been a bit too modern. Try this one: ‘How do you get a sick pig to the hospital? In a hambulance!’
MISSY: What’s that got to do with men?
CIRCE: Oh, good point, I may have just moved on to general pig jokes there.
MISSY: Well, be quiet like a good girl and let me get on with my plan.
CIRCE: ‘Good girl’? Isn’t that a bit sexist?
MISSY: Oh, man up.
CIRCE: ‘Man up’? That’s a bit sexist too.
MISSY: Look, you stupid woman–
CIRCE: Sexist!
MISSY: Just grow a pair, will you?
CIRCE: Sooooooo sexist!
MISSY: Bitch.
CIRCE: Oh, now you’ve done it. Fellow women! Is this the person you want to help you in your struggle against an unequal world?
ELEANOR OF AQUITAINE: Thou doth say words unto us that I like not.
CALAMITY JANE: Ain’t no sister of mine!
NELL GWYN: Let’s go and form our own group, me ducks.
MISSY: Oh, sod off the lot of you, you ungrateful –
CIRCE: Oh, by the way, just make sure you press the little button on the back of your extra-smartphones when you go, OK? It’s marked ‘self-destruct memory wipe’, but don’t worry about that.
PO
PE JOAN and 16 others have left the group.
MISSY: They’ve all gone. Thanks for that.
CIRCE: Sorry, but you knew I’d have to foil your plan in the end.
MISSY: Really?
CIRCE: It took me a while to work out, but once I had – well, I couldn’t let it go ahead, could I?
MISSY: Some might say that was just a little bit presumptuous of you.
CIRCE: I noticed you contacted a lot of people from sixteenth-century England. All of Henry VIII’s wives. Lady Jane Grey and Mary Tudor – the poor Nine Day Queen and the Queen who deposed her. Mary, Queen of Scots, who lost her head when her cousin Elizabeth thought she might be plotting against her. And of course Elizabeth herself – Gloriana, the so-called Virgin Queen and, as I happen to know personally, the most significant woman of Tudor times. Now they’re all very notable women, but why such a cluster? That’s what I asked myself.
MISSY: Did you, poppet? Hurrah for you. And for goodness’ sake (notice I said ‘goodness’ there, because I am now very, very good and do things for the sake of goodness), change your name. It’s distracting me. I keep fancying a bacon sandwich.
Name “DOCTOR” is already taken.
Name “THEDOCTOR” is already taken.
Name “DRJOHNSMITH” is already taken.
Name “DOCTORWHO” is already taken.
Name “DOCTOR12” is already taken.
Name “DOCTOR???” is already taken.
Name “DRDISCO” is already taken.
Name “DRMYSTERIO” is already taken.
Name “OHTHISISRIDICULOUS” is already taken.
Name “THATWASN’TASUGGESTIONYOU STUPIDPIECEOFJUNK” is still available! Change name?