Huckleberry Hearts

by Jennifer Beckstrand

  Anna clapped her hands. “I was afraid with the way you’re wasting away, it might drown you.”

  “It’s beautiful,” Zach mumbled, because there was truly nothing else to say.

  Felty studied Zach’s face and seemed to wilt like a flower in the heat.

  Anna, however, looked as if she might burst with delight. “We want you to wear it when you come to dinner on Friday night. And you can even wear the pink shirt underneath if you want.”

  Zach didn’t think anything could make him feel worse about himself than he already did, but Anna’s kindness pushed him so low, he was lying facedown on the ground with a mouthful of dirt.

  Frowning, he motioned to the chairs in the exam room and sat down on his rolling stool. “Anna, Felty, please sit.”

  Felty took Anna’s hand, and they sat together.

  “Anna,” he said, placing a hand on top of hers. “I’ve never been given such a beautiful sweater before. I am truly touched by your kindness. But these wonderful gifts won’t lure me back to Huckleberry Hill.”

  Anna turned to Felty. “I knew I should have brought a pot holder.”

  Zach chuckled in spite of himself. “Pot holders won’t do any good either. After Austin died, I said some things . . . I made Cassie believe some things . . . that hurt her very much, and even if I wanted to see her, she wouldn’t want to see me.”

  “Don’t you believe in forgiveness?” Felty asked.

  Zach lowered his eyes and shook his head. “I don’t believe in anything anymore. I don’t belong with people like you or Cassie. Faith guides your life. In many ways, you are your faith. That’s not how I live. It would be like trying to mix oil and water. Cassie hates me for the way I am, and I can’t stomach the simple trust she puts in God. We’re just too different.”

  Felty’s eyes softened with moisture. “We’re sorry about the little boy. We lost three of our own little ones yet. It hurts deep.”

  Zach paused. “You lost three children?”

  “Jah,” Felty said. “And we think about them every day. Don’t we, Banannie?”

  Anna’s smile faded, although it didn’t disappear completely. “Every hour.”

  The ache in Zach’s chest flared painfully. “How do you stand it?”

  Felty leaned toward Zach. “God will wipe all tears off all faces someday.”

  Zach pressed his hand to his forehead. “I wish I could believe it.”

  “I wish you could believe it too,” Felty said. “Because it’s true.”

  Zach pulled off the sweater, smoothed it out, and folded it carefully. “So you see why I can’t take this.”

  “Stuff and nonsense,” Anna said. “I made it for you. Elmer Lee is not getting his hands on it. You’re the one I’ve chosen, and I’m not changing my mind, no matter how persistent Esther and Elmer Lee are.”

  By the set of Anna’s chin, Zach could see it would be futile to argue. He would fold up the sweater and put it in the top of his closet so that it would still be brand new when Anna decided she wanted it back in a couple of weeks.

  “Denki,” he said.

  Was there a good reason he used Pennsylvania Dutch? Nobody but Cassie thought his attempt at the language was cute.

  Anna stood, and Felty followed. “Thank you, Doctor, for fixing my foot. I feel like a better person because of it.” She got on her tiptoes and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “You are a gute boy. Never forget that.”

  “It was a privilege to get to know you, Anna.”

  Her eyes danced. “I’ll go knit some pot holders, just in case.”

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  A knock at Zach’s office door startled him. He must have fallen asleep staring at his last patient’s chart. It was lucky his shift was over. He needed to go home and catch some sleep. He already walked around the hospital as if he were dead, but he didn’t need sleep deprivation to make it worse.

  He didn’t have the energy to stand and go to the door. “Come in.”

  Jamie opened his door and raised her eyebrows tentatively, almost as if she didn’t dare venture past the threshold. Zach shot to his feet. “Jamie, come in,” he said. He grabbed the back of his chair and turned it around. “Sit down. How are you? Is everything okay?”

  Of course everything wasn’t okay. She’d lost her son three weeks ago. Things were never going to be okay again.

  She reached out her arms and gave Zach a bracing hug. “It’s good to see you, Dr. Reynolds.”

  “Call me Zach.” He motioned toward the chair again. She sat down on the folding chair opposite his rolling one. “You sure you don’t want the softer one?”

  “I’m okay.”

  He sat and faced her, propping his elbows on his knees. “Can I do something for you?”

  “I had to drop by the billing office to work out some payment stuff.”

  “How can I help? There are assistance programs if you can’t afford the hospital bills.”

  She shook her head. “Austin’s dad has really good insurance, and he’s insisted on paying all the stuff the insurance didn’t cover. I was just working out the details with Lynne to make sure that’s all settled.”

  “Good.”

  She placed a gentle hand on his arm. “I haven’t seen you since the funeral.”

  “Do you need me to do something for you? Anything you need, I’ll be there.”

  “Marla says you’re having a hard time with Austin’s death.”

  Zach bowed his head. “Aren’t we all?”

  “We are all grieving, Zach, but Marla says you’re paralyzed.”

  Why had Jamie come? It hurt like a shard of glass in his mouth to even talk about it. “They told us that if you can’t handle death, you shouldn’t be a doctor.” He laughed bitterly. “Some doctor I’ve turned out to be.”

  “It means you’re human, Zach, and personally, I’d rather have a doctor who is devastated by death than one who handles it easily. It means you care. I much prefer a doctor who cares.”

  “We’re a good match, then.” He attempted a smile, but his voice betrayed him.

  Jamie squeezed his arm and something shifted in her expression as if she’d made a decision. “Austin wouldn’t want you to spend the rest of your life mourning him.”

  Maybe not. But maybe Austin would have wanted to still be alive. Zach kept his mouth shut. He wouldn’t upset Jamie with his bitterness.

  She took a deep breath. “Your dad is deceased, isn’t he?”

  Zach drew his eyebrows together. “Yeah.”

  She sat back and folded her arms. “I’ve been debating whether to tell you of an experience I had. It’s very precious to me, and I don’t want you to minimize it.”

  “You’ve lost your child. I would never minimize that.”

  Jamie pursed her lips. “On the night of the funeral, I had a dream. I think it was meant for us.”

  “You and me?”

  She nodded. “Only for us.”

  “Why?”

  “Because God wants us to know.”

  Zach felt the hair stand up on the back of his neck. “Know what?”

  “Something that happened in my dream. I was walking in a grassy field. I could actually feel the soft grass beneath my bare feet. I smelled roses and lilacs, and I heard birds singing. It was a beautiful place. More beautiful than anything I’ve ever seen before.” She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “Austin came running toward me. He was dressed in a spotless orange soccer uniform.”

  “Barcelona,” Zach mumbled.

  “He had the biggest smile on his face and said he couldn’t stay long because the boys were getting a game together, and they needed him to play center mid.”

  Zach’s eyes stung. He folded his arms across his chest and resisted the urge to tell Jamie that it was just a dream. Sure, it was a nice dream, but it was still just a way for her brain to release stress after an excruciatingly hard week.

  “I asked Austin if he was happy,” Jamie said. “He told me yes because he could run an
d play soccer like the other kids, and he didn’t have any pain, and he got to be with Jesus every day.” Her eyes glistened with tears. “He had a soccer ball and did some tricks for me. Before he got sick, he was working on balancing the ball on his head. It was the first trick he showed me.”

  Zach clamped his eyes shut and wiped away the tears that squeezed through. A mere dream shouldn’t call forth tears.

  “There was another man who came,” Jamie said. “He looked like you. Same strong build, same blue eyes. His hair was dark brown. I don’t know why, but I had the distinct feeling it was your dad.”

  No, Jamie. Don’t do this to me. Don’t speak of hope when there is no hope. An illusion isn’t truth no matter how hard anyone wants to believe in it.

  Zach bit his tongue and fought back the tears. Just let Jamie have her say and then he could get away from here. Thank goodness his shift was over.

  “Austin called him Pop, although he was a young man.”

  The word stole Zach’s breath. “Pop?”

  It was just a coincidence. Pop was a pretty common nickname. Wasn’t it?

  “The three of us strolled around the meadow. We crossed brooks and played tag around the trees while Austin pointed out flowers and birds and butterflies. There was a hollow tree where Austin kept his treasures: his soccer scarf, an orange beanie, and a long, jagged rock. He said that Pop loved to collect fossils, and they’d been digging for days to find a shark’s tooth. Pop had given it to him as a present.”

  An invisible force crashed into Zach and knocked the wind out of him. “He had a . . . fossil?”

  Jamie studied his face. “Pop said, ‘Tell him I’m happy and that someday he’ll understand all the reasons I had to leave.’ Again, I can’t be sure it was your dad, but when he said ‘him,’ I knew he was talking about you, even though he said he had two other sons.”

  Everything seemed to stand still, even the air in his lungs and the blood in his veins. Zach sat motionless as Jamie’s words set his heart aflame.

  How could Jamie have known about the color of Dad’s hair or his lifelong nickname or the fossils?

  His whole body seemed to catch fire.

  It hadn’t been just a dream.

  Pop Reynolds, the guy who earned his nickname from drinking too much soda as a kid, was alive. Zach’s dad was alive beyond the grave and so was Austin.

  But that wasn’t all. Austin was happy. God hadn’t forsaken a sick little boy, and He hadn’t abandoned any of them.

  Tears rained down his cheeks, and he bawled like a baby. Jamie scooted her chair forward and hooked an arm around his neck, like a big sister giving her kid brother some love.

  “I guess you believe me?” she said.

  “I guess I do,” he blubbered.

  She pulled away and grabbed a handful of tissues from her purse. He wiped his face but kept right on crying, so it was kind of like mopping up a spill on the Titanic.

  “I miss him,” he said.

  “Are you kidding? I cry a dozen times a day just thinking about my son,” she said. “But I know he’s with God, and God has a purpose for all things. And He loves us. Bad things happen. It doesn’t mean God doesn’t love us.”

  “But why do people have to die?”

  “Someday we’ll know the reason, just like your dad said. You just have to have faith. Do you have faith, Doctor?”

  Zach swiped another tear from his eye. “Not much.”

  “If it’s the size of a grain of mustard seed, it’s enough.”

  “I’ve got a lot to learn.”

  Jamie pulled another handful of tissues from her purse. “And you’ve got some fences to mend.” She stared at him until he met her eye. “With a certain Amish girl.”

  Zach’s heart stopped beating for a second time. Cassie.

  He groaned in pure agony and buried his wet face in his hands.

  The corners of Jamie’s mouth drooped. “You love her.”

  “Yep. Bad.” He trembled just thinking about what he’d lost.

  “Then tell her.”

  “I told her she was naïve and blind. You should have seen her face. I might as well have hit her.”

  Jamie patted his leg. “You’re not the first person to let grief overtake your judgment. Go talk to her. She has the most forgiving heart in the world.”

  “It’s too late,” Zach said. He felt as if he’d swallowed a handful of gravel. “I didn’t just yell at her. She thinks I did something . . . something that can’t be fixed.”

  Jamie narrowed her eyes. “She wants to rejoin the Amish.”

  The heaviness in Zach’s chest grew until he had to struggle for every breath. “Yeah.”

  “Nothing can separate us from God’s love, Zach.”

  “Cassie’s love is a different story.”

  Jamie gave him a weak smile. “If anyone can convince her, you can. You got Austin to sit still for an IV. Your powers of persuasion are enormous.”

  “Not with Cassie.”

  “Especially with Cassie. She loves you something fierce.”

  Zach sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. “Not anymore.”

  “But you love her?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Then go make it right.”

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Cassie had the most unnerving feeling that someone was watching her. She lifted her head and let her eyes travel down the aisle. Nobody there, just shelves full of bulk candy and dried fruit. Elmer Lee stood next to her, staring at a small container of mints. Was he curious about the calories?

  Norman and Linda had come with Cassie and Mamm to the Lark Country Store. The store had just about everything an Amish customer could want, from all sorts of groceries to hats to books to clocks that played church music on the hour.

  In the store parking lot, Elmer Lee “happened” to pull up in his buggy at the same time Cassie’s family had pulled up in Norman’s buggy. What a surprise. It wasn’t as if she didn’t see Elmer Lee three or four times a week already. Mamm was pulling out all the stops to make sure there’d be a wedding come September.

  Cassie tried to happily oblige. After all, she wanted to marry a godly, kind man, and as Mamm reminded her daily, she was nearly an old maid. Older, single boys like Elmer Lee were as scarce as hen’s teeth. She should be grateful that Elmer Lee hadn’t been taken yet.

  Still, in moments of weakness, Cassie daydreamed about holding hands and stealing kisses beneath the maple trees with Zach Reynolds, not Elmer Lee. She put down the package of dried apples she held and raised her fingers to her lips. Her heart raced at the memory.

  She was glad she would never kiss him again. Zach didn’t believe in God. She couldn’t make a home or a life with anyone who didn’t love God. And she certainly couldn’t love someone who professed his undying love and slept with an old girlfriend a few hours later.

  Several times a day, she replayed that horrible memory over and over in her head. The recollection of Blair barely wearing Zach’s pink shirt made her ill.

  She felt a single tear slip down her cheek and immediately slapped it away. It would do no good to let Mamm or Elmer Lee see her self-pity. She’d already cried enough tears to fill a bathtub.

  “Did you find what you want?” Elmer Lee asked.

  “Not yet. I need milk chocolate chips.”

  “My mamm wants birdseed,” he said. “I’ll meet you at the front.”

  Cassie nodded. Why did she have to meet him anywhere? They had arrived at the store at the same time. That didn’t mean they were together.

  She ambled down the aisle until she spotted the chocolate chips. The store had a wide variety to choose from. Milk chocolate, semi-sweet, mint, and peanut butter. She stared at the packages without really seeing them. How would she ever finish her shopping when she felt so distracted? How would she ever get on with her life?

  She snapped her head up as that feeling of being watched returned. The aisle was empty except for her. She must be going bonkers.

  S
he jumped as someone laid a hand on her shoulder and turned to see Zach Reynolds in all his beautiful glory standing there with a crooked nose and sad blue eyes. She almost had a stroke.

  “Cassie,” he whispered. “Can I talk to you?”

  She furrowed her brows in confusion. “What do you want?”

  He glanced around and put his finger to his lips. “I’ve been to your house four times. They won’t let me see you.”

  Cassie pressed her mouth into a rigid line. Was Mamm trying to protect her or control her?

  Zach looked positively desperate as he glanced behind him once again. “I’ve left ten messages on your cell phone.”

  “I’m taking baptism classes, Dr. Reynolds. I don’t use a cell phone anymore.”

  He seemed to disintegrate before her very eyes. “Don’t call me that. Please don’t call me that.” She flinched when he curled his fingers around her upper arms. “Cassie, I’ve got to talk to you.”

  “There isn’t anything to say,” she said, extricating her arms from his grasp and taking a step backward.

  He acted like a wounded animal, frantic and wary. “There is everything to say, and they won’t let me talk to you. Anna told me you might be here this afternoon. I’ve been waiting for an hour in hopes of catching a glimpse of you.”

  Mammi told Zach she’d be here? That traitor.

  He leaned closer. He smelled of some irresistible cologne that made her heart clatter around in her chest. “I’m crazy in love with you and if you don’t forgive me, I don’t think I’ll ever smile again. You see, I didn’t—”

  Cassie glanced behind her. She was not eager for the scene that was sure to follow if Mamm and Norman discovered her and Zach Reynolds whispering in aisle four. She sighed and ordered her heart to be still. She wouldn’t let the doctor rob her of reason. “I’ve already forgiven you. Now go, before Mamm sees you.”

  “We couldn’t have your mamm getting angry.” Did she sense a touch of bitterness in his voice? He closed his eyes momentarily, and she saw the muscles of his jaw twitch with tension. “Cassie, what can I do to make you love me again?”