Chapter Fifteen
Jake crossed his arms and tried not to grind his teeth. He debated pushing Mari some more because he knew he still wasn’t being entirely truthful, but he let it go for the time being. “If that’s what you want, you can take a shower afterward.”
His lover made a small sound in his throat but he didn’t contest the condition. Instead he went to the archway between the living area and Jake’s bedroom and raised his hands, wrapping them around the bar Jake had put there for his pull-ups.
“Go on. Do it. I deserve it. Beat me.” His voice was quiet, soft and husky, but not submissive.
Jake moved to stand behind Mari, reaching one hand up and placing it over the top of where Mari was gripping tightly. With the other he traced a finger down Mari’s side from his shoulder to his hip.
“You think so? You think this is what you deserve?” He murmured the words along the curve of Mari’s neck and into his hair.
“Jake…”
“Shh. No more talking. The only thing I want to hear from you is ‘yes, sir’, or ‘no, sir’. Understand?”
“Mmmhhh…oh, yes, sir,” Mari crooned, sounding happier already.
Jake slid the hand at his hip around and over the bulge at Mari’s crotch. He cupped him through his skimpy briefs and gave him a friendly squeeze. “Good. Now tell me how beautiful you are.”
Mari tilted his hips, pushing against Jake’s hand eager for his attention.
“I’m yours, everything you want me to be,” he groaned, wriggling in Jake’s arms. “Everything, sir.”
“Mmhm, that’s right. You are mine.” Jake told him, stroking him slowly. “But that’s not what I told you to say. You are fucking beautiful, Ilmarinen. I want to hear you say it.”
Mari half-turned and touched his mouth to Jake’s. “You make me feel beautiful,” he whispered at last.
Jake slid the hand covering Mari’s down to his wrist, gripping him there while the other released him. He gave him a hard swat on the ass. “Repeat after me, Mari. I.”
Mari hesitated and Jake spanked him again.
“I…” Jake prompted.
“I.” It came out as a huff of sound.
“Am.” Jake purred the word into Mari’s ear and this time there was only a slight hesitation before he responded.
“Am.”
“Beautiful.” Jake said the word tenderly.
Mari shivered in his embrace and turned his face away. He was silent for a while and his voice caught like a plucked string as he whispered, almost inaudibly, “B-beautiful.”
When Jake brought his hand up to caress Mari’s cheek, he shied from the touch and Jake’s fingers came away salty wet.
Jake kissed his neck and caressed his chest and belly for a moment before stepping away and taking off his belt. Mari needed his head space, and he needed this release, so Jake would give it to him.
He doubled the belt over in one hand and put the other on the back of Mari’s neck, forcing him to lean forward, with his arms still stretched up over his head. He could tell Mari was holding his breath as he slapped him with the belt across his buttocks. The suspended gasp came out of him in a rush as he was struck, and he quivered under Jake’s hand but did not cry out.
“Again,” he whispered, at last, when his tremors subsided.
“Say it again,” Jake instructed.
“Jake…”
“Say it again or we stop.”
Mari keened softly. “B-beautiful. Please…do it again.”
Jake did, landing the polished side of his belt firmly across Mari’s backside. He made him repeat it each time he strapped him, until Mari got the idea and said it on his own before the belt fell.
“Beautiful… Beautiful… I’m beautiful. Oh, Jake… I’m beautiful. That feels so good. Tie my hands and fuck me.” The last exhortation came out in a heated rush. Mari was clinging to the bar and his lean body shook with need, his sexy ass striped scarlet from the slaps of Jake’s belt. If it hurt, his hard cock didn’t seem to indicate as much.
Jake dropped his belt on the floor and reached up with both hands to take Mari’s off the bar. He turned Mari, keeping his wrists pinned behind him as he kissed him hard. Mari responded eagerly, pushing up against him, tangling his tongue in Jake’s mouth, and Jake walked him backward through the narrow archway into the bedroom. He kept going, a few more paces, until Mari’s knees hit the side of the bed and he spilled down across the mattress, uttering a breathless moan as the material rubbed his tender backside.
“Unzip me.”
Mari’s fingers fumbled in his eagerness to obey. He snatched at the zip and tugged and wriggled it down, then tried to pull Jake onto him.
Jake kept his balance and pushed his fingers into Mari’s hair, pulling his head back and bending to kiss him. “Get your underwear off and scoot up on the bed,” Jake told him. He opened the drawer in the nightstand next to the bed while Mari complied and took out a bottle of lube and a plug, dropping them next to Mari.
Jake stepped clear and let his jeans drop to the floor. He was hard and wanted nothing more than to spread Mari’s legs and dive between—but not yet.
“Put the pillows up behind you, baby. I want you to give me a show.”
Mari’s eyes glistened in the sudden flush of his normally composed face. There was no reluctance in his gaze, though. His beautiful Mari snuggled into the nest of pillows and hooked his arms under his knees, leaning back at once and opening himself to Jake without a moment’s hesitation.
“I do love you,” he breathed in that husky tone that made Jake’s cock even harder.
Jake pulled his shirt off and dropped it. “I love you, too, sweetheart. My beautiful Mari. You’ve got me so hot, baby.”
“I love it when you get that look in your eyes, like you could melt me just by staring at me.” Mari sighed. “I wish…” He closed his mouth and looked away, unsure of his words.
Jake knelt on the edge of the bed and leaned over him, giving up on the game they’d been playing. He put his hands around Mari’s hips and pulled him down the mattress. Jake kissed him, a slow, leisurely kiss meant to put him at ease.
“You wish what?”
Mari’s solemn eyes met his and did not shy away. “I wish I’d met you sooner.”
Jake kissed him again, just a soft brush of lips this time. “I wish you had, too.” He pressed a warmer kiss to his lips and slid his arms around him, rolling his lower half until they ground together.
“We need to make up for lost time,” Mari gasped when they broke the kiss.
“Mmm…” Jake purred in agreement. He combed his fingers into Mari’s hair, tugging at the nape so he lifted his chin and kissed his way down Mari’s neck, nipping at the base. He’d been in a kinky frame of mind, but Mari’s mood flipped that around on him. He sucked the tender skin at the base of Mari’s throat and caught one of Mari’s knees with his other hand, pushing it up. The press of their bodies rubbing together was incredible.
Mari looped around him easily, locking his fingers at the nape of Jake’s neck and drawing him close as he writhed against him. He made a growling noise as Jake’s mouth roamed lower.
“Uhhhh…yes. Like that.”
Jake rocked his hips and his cock slid down between Mari’s cheeks. He let go of his knee long enough to snag the lube and uncap it, drizzling a clear stream over the crown and letting some run down the valley of Mari’s ass crack.
“Turn me over,” Mari breathed. “Take me on my knees, Jake. Hold my wrists and don’t be gentle. Please.”
He was shaking as he spoke, running his fingers up into Jake’s hair and looking at him like he was some kind of miracle.
Jake knelt up and ran his hands down Mari’s arms to his wrists. He pinned them both to the bed above Mari’s head and kissed him passionately. When Mari was panting and breathless and grinding his hips up to meet him, Jake looked down at him seriously. “No. Not this time. I want to watch you. I want to see your face when you come.”
&nb
sp; Mari uttered another growl—of frustration. His long, lean body arced up from the mattress and he rubbed against Jake’s belly frantically, locking his legs around Jake’s strong thighs and bracing himself there as he wriggled and squirmed.
“Please! Get inside me!”
Jake almost laughed at the urgency in his voice but he didn’t tease him. He was too eager to do exactly that. Mari lifted up and Jake tilted his hips, taking aim and tapping the head of his cock on his tight hole. He held there a moment, pushing steadily until the slight relaxation in his lover’s muscles let him inside at last.
“Ohh…” Mari exhaled raggedly. He didn’t say anything else though, just flopped against the pillows and stared up at Jake, drinking him in with his wide, blue eyes.
Jake might have refused the position change, but the rest of what Mari wanted he was more than willing to give him. He sank into him about halfway, pulled out again, then thrust in deeper, watching the shock and pleasure mix on Mari’s beautiful face the whole time.
Mari clenched his fingers into fists as he surrendered to the pressure swelling inside him, his body curling up again as he struggled to ride each thrust, pinned as he was to the bed.
“Mmmh…yes…harder!” he keened as Jake pulsed out and in again.
Jake spread his knees wider and gripped Mari’s wrists tighter, driving himself smoothly to the root. When Mari’s breath caught, he withdrew inch by inch and did it again, moving faster and thrusting harder each time. He curled his spine, arching over Mari, loving every moan and every flicker of desire that crossed his face.
Mari’s eyes closed and his dark gold lashes fanned his cheeks as he turned his head from side to side, growling and purring with ecstasy, occasionally murmuring something under his breath that Jake did not understand. It was like a familiar song but with the lyrics transposed.
Jake let go of one of Mari’s wrists and brought his hand down, guiding it between them. “This feels amazing, Mari. I love the way you feel, the way you look, the way you sound…”
Again, Mari growled something urgent and alien, translating as he reached for Jake with his freed hand. “Need to feel you. Take me hard, please!”
For all that he could sometimes look delicate, in bed he gave rein to a stronger will and in the throes of passion he was anything but a wilting flower. Sex with Mari often bordered on violence but that never seemed to bother him. Mari thrived on the thrill of their often-frantic lovemaking.
Jake hooked his hands at the backs of Mari’s knees and bent them higher, spreading his legs and leaning forward. The lube made them slide together easily and Jake picked up a driving rhythm, pounding into him until they slapped together on the down strokes. Sweat beaded on his neck, beneath his hair, and he tightened his grip on Mari’s legs, folding him nearly in half so every single stroke slammed balls-deep into him.
Mari reached down, gripping and stroking his cock in time with Jake’s rapid pounding. The breath being driven out of him came in tiny, whimpering cries as Jake edged him up, higher and higher. Mari’s nude body was like wet silk under him, snug and hot around his cock, and it was going to be a near thing which of them got there first.
“Mari…baby…oh, fucking… Come for me…” Jake panted.
Mari barely needed the encouragement. His fingers flew faster over the glistening head of his cock. For just a handful of rapid-fire heartbeats, he fell very still before exhaling a low, wordless groan that was almost a cry of pain. He tightened reflexively around Jake’s erection as he shot again and again, blasting long, creamy ropes of semen over his chest and belly.
Jake hit his peak only a second or two after him. Watching Mari shudder and moan through an intense climax pulled his trigger like nothing else could. He drove into him hard and held there, letting go of Mari’s legs, bending over him and burying his face in the crook of his neck. He wrapped his arms around Mari and held on tight as each hard spurt shook him.
Finally, they both stopped gasping and trembling and curled around each other more comfortably. Mari tilted his head to look into Jake’s eyes.
“You are so damn good for me,” he murmured. “Thank you for that, Chivis. I don’t understand what I did to deserve you, but I wanna keep on doing it.”
Jake kissed his temple and stroked his fingers through his hair. “You are beautiful. Beautiful and amazing. I wish I could make you believe it.”
“Hush,” Mari admonished softly, hooking the back of Jake’s skull gently and drawing him in for another kiss. “There’s more to life than looking pretty, Chivis? When you look at me like that, I never feel like anyone else matters.”
“There’s more to life than being pretty?” Jake made a theatrical gasp. “And here I’ve wasted all this time thinking everything I’d done was meaningless because I’m not a supermodel?”
Mari swatted at him. Jake caught his hand before it landed and kissed him again.
“Truly,” Mari whispered when his lips were unoccupied again, “no one has ever made me feel so worthwhile, Jake Chivis. You might think I have a long way to go, but from my point of view, I’ve made that journey—and that is thanks to you.”
Jake looked into his eyes and brushed his thumb over Mari’s cheek tenderly. “I’m glad. I’m glad I make you feel that way.”
“I can’t stand the idea that anyone could do anything to damage that,” Mari told him seriously. “I can’t face the idea of being without you, Jake.”
“I’m not going anywhere. I’d still like you to tell me, though. Did it ever seem like you made a mistake? Stopping the hormones, I mean?”
Mari’s gaze dropped for a moment and Jake’s heart beat faster.
“Honestly?” Mari sighed, shaking his head once. “Jake…I’ve no idea. It was taken out of my hands. My consultant psychiatrist said that I wasn’t a suitable candidate for gender reassignment. He— He questioned my mental stability, if you must know. Do I think he was wrong? I’m not sure. I guess I’ve always had my own style, my own way of doing things. If you want a proper answer, I don’t truly feel like I fit in either sex. And I’m not sure what that leaves me.”
Jake caught a of lock of hair that had fallen across Mari’s forehead and smoothed it into place again. “It leaves you…yourself. Okay, you might not be the most masculine guy, but if someone has a problem with that, they can go fuck themselves.”
“I don’t care what most people think anymore, Chivis. I stopped all that that years ago.” Mari looked up with a humorless smile. “I only care what one person thinks. And if he’s going to fuck anything, I’d rather he fucked me.”
Heat pooled in Jake’s belly at the thought of that but he only rolled over, taking Mari with him so he was tucked under his arm. “All right, all right, I get it. I’ll let it go. I just want you to be happy. Safe, healthy and happy. You play your cards so close that sometimes I just need to ask to be sure.”
“You’re not going to dump me?” Mari looked up at him, worrying his lips with his teeth.
“That never crossed my mind. Would I be planning on moving in with you if I were going to dump you?”
“You’re planning to move in with me?” Mari pretended surprise. “You were still thinking about it last time I listened.” He mellowed and winked at Jake, though there was still more than a shadow of sadness over his ashen features.
“I haven’t been thinking about it. I’ve just been waiting to make sure you didn’t change your mind,” Jake teased him gently in return.
Mari’s eyes narrowed, though. “Was that supposed to be a joke?”
“Sort of.” Jake was suddenly less certain of himself. “I mean, we haven’t talked about it since that first time it was mentioned.”
“You still think I don’t want to? Or that I’ll decide I’d rather be a woman?” Mari said succinctly.
“Perhaps,” Jake admitted.
“I’m not planning to transition, Jake. But if I did… Down the line, if I did decide that I wanted to look more femme, would that be a problem for you?” M
ari curled up on his side, facing Jake, his expression suddenly very serious.
“Do you think that’s a possibility?” Jake asked.
“That I might not always want to be this butch? I’m afraid so.” Mari’s eyes twinkled for a moment, sobering just as quickly. “But if you’re asking would I physically become a woman? No. I’m coming to terms with the idea that I’m not a man or a woman. I’m something in between—or neither. Even if I thought, now, with a different doctor, I might get a different prognosis, I wouldn’t want to put myself through those hoops again.”
Mari sounded very sure of that and relief washed over him. Moments later, Jake felt bad for thinking that way. Yes, he liked Mari just the way he was but if he forced him to be like that, wasn’t he just as bad as Arregui?
“You’ve got to understand that I’ve never been conventional,” Mari said, his voice soft and uncertain again. “I like nice clothes. And yes, sometimes I like to look pretty. You’ve seen me wear makeup. Would it make you uncomfortable, if I was more androgynous? I need to know, if we’re going to live together.”
“If you had asked me a year ago, I would have told you yes. It would definitely make me uncomfortable.” Jake sighed and folded his hands together so he wouldn’t be tempted to touch Mari.
Honesty was important to him. It always had been. If he hedged, it might turn into something bigger later, and he didn’t want anything to come between him and Mari.
“I have known since I was a kid that I was gay,” Jake told him. “I didn’t have that word for it, but I knew that I didn’t get crushes on girls like my friends did. Instead, I got crushes on them. I pretty much knew, right away, that this was not okay, and that idea was reinforced daily. Friends, teachers and especially my father hammered home the idea in no uncertain terms, that being anything less than uber-masculine was wrong, disgusting, something to be ashamed of. I hid what I was feeling and got rid of any trace of anything in me that wasn’t completely, one hundred percent, hetero-male. It actually wasn’t that hard for me. I just had to keep my thoughts about guys to myself and I could ‘pass’ for hetero.
Digging Deeper Page 13