He closed his eyes again.
When he came to, he was in a quieter room in a bed with blue curtains around it. The light was softer and he sighed with relief. A chair creaked to his right and he turned his head. Jake smiled at him, pleasure warring with weariness in his dark, amber-colored eyes.
“I have never been so scared in my life,” Jake told him softly, squeezing his hand then coming to his feet and bending over to plant a kiss on his lips. That was good, almost normal. “I thought I’d lost you.”
“I thought so, too,” he said, and the words were dry and rattled in his throat. “Can you get me some water, please?”
Jake reached over and poured from a jug by the bed into a small, plastic tumbler. He fiddled with the controls on the bed to raise Mari up into a position where he could drink without spilling the water all over himself, then sat on the bed beside him, stroking his face with shaking fingers.
“It’s all right. I’m okay, Jake,” he said in a small voice. “But I wouldn’t have been, if it wasn’t for you. Thank you.”
Jake leaned forward and wrapped his arms tight around him. He buried his face in Mari’s hair and his breath was warm and comforting as he whispered, “I never want to feel like that again.”
That made him teary and Mari hated himself for it, even though he wanted to be held in Jake’s arms more than anything. Someone had changed him out of his dirty clothing into clean hospital scrubs while he was out of it, but he still felt filthy and spent. Even if he took a shower for the next twenty-four hours, he wasn’t sure if he should let Jake touch him. He wasn’t strong enough to fight that comforting embrace, though, and the warmth of it melted some of the barriers he’d put up to stop himself thinking or feeling too much.
“I don’t disgust you?” he whispered, his voice coming out small and cracked and entirely pathetic. “I disgust me.”
“You could never disgust me, Ilmari,” Jake murmured, his lips pressed to Mari’s temple. “What happened was not in any way your fault.”
“You’re kind,” Mari crooned, altogether overwhelmed by this gentle acceptance. He turned on his side, nuzzling his face up under Jake’s chin and wriggling his arms around him. Utter exhaustion washed over him and, even after all that had happened, he knew he was safe in Jake’s embrace. “Too kind. I should have waited for you. I ought not have gone in on my own. You’ve told me so many times. But I… I didn’t think he’d actually harm me. Not physical harm, anyway.”
They were interrupted by one of the nurses doing her rounds before Jake could respond. She clucked softly at Jake and told him off for sitting on the bed. Then, when she had checked Mari over and asked if he needed any more pain relief, she said, “The policeman still wants to talk to you. He’s been very patient. Are you ready to have a word with him?”
He nodded, though he wanted to hide under the bed until everyone but Jake went away.
The policeman, to his surprise, was not Cordiline but a younger Asian man in a Met vest, who arrived in company with an older white lady in a skirt suit and a blue sweater. The lady had a clipboard and a small case with her.
“Hello, Dr. Gale. Thank you for seeing us,” the man said. “I’m PC Azim Khan from Hammersmith Broadway and this is PC Charlotte Reitz. She’s going to be your OIC. So, anything you want to talk about in total confidentiality, she’s your Case Officer.”
“Confid…” Mari looked at Jake, who lowered his eyes.
“I may have mentioned to the doc when they brought you in that you’d possibly been…” Jake stopped talking. Mari couldn’t have said whether it was the expression on his face or just an attack of guilt. “I mean,” he said at last, “I thought you would want to make a report.”
Mari closed his eyes for another moment. He lay back and composed his thoughts. Then, without opening his eyes, he said, “The man who abducted and tried to bury me was Josep Sant Andreu Garcés. He also goes by the name of Joseph St. Andrews. He is wanted in connection with the Cemetery Rapist inquiry. He took me, by force, from premises in Manchester Square occupied by his uncle. They were planning to leave the country this evening.”
“Can you tell me why you were at the premises on Manchester Square?” Khan asked.
“Certainly. I went there to ask questions of the gentleman who was staying there.” Mari took a long breath.
The PC tapped his phone. “That would be the apartment of Tomas Arregui? Was he present when you were taken from the premises?” Khan pressed.
“I was under the influence of a debilitating drug and I don’t recall what happened. I don’t intend to press charges, Officer,” Mari said simply. “Was there anything else?”
Even with his eyes closed, he could feel Jake staring at him. Those warm fingers gripped his hand a little tighter.
The police tried a few more questions. PC Reitz attempted to persuade him to let them take DNA samples. Mari lost his temper around that point and they left empty-handed.
For a while after they had gone, Jake was very quiet. Mari curled up on the bed with his eyes squeezed shut. He heard Jake swallow hard and his voice was husky when he finally said, “You should let them collect the evidence they need to prosecute him, Mari.”
“No.” His response was altogether too quick, and he knew it from the way Jake’s hand tightened around his. Softening his tone, he repeated it. “No, Jake. I don’t know what happened. I don’t want to know. It’s wrong, but if I have to testify in court, it will be horrible and I don’t want to go through that. I don’t want to talk to a roomful of strangers about what he did or didn’t do to me. I don’t want my mother to find out. And it won’t change anything. It won’t turn back time or magically make it not have happened. I don’t want them poking and prodding at me. I just want to go home.”
Jake exhaled but not in an impatient way. The sound of it was more accepting, or perhaps defeated. “Okay. I get it. And you’re right. It won’t change what happened.” Jake cupped Mari’s face with one hand and looked into his eyes. “But please let them treat you, at least. I want to make sure you’re okay.”
Mari forced a smile, though he did not feel it. He would do it, for Jake, because he loved him more than anyone, ever, and he wanted Jake to understand that. He still worried that things had changed irreparably between them as a result of those photographs. Jake was here, holding him, though. His beloved Jake had come looking for him…and that was more than he deserved after all the secrets and whatever had happened in that apartment this afternoon.
“I’ll do it, if you promise not to leave me alone. But tell me something. How did you know that I needed you?” he whispered. “When I reached out to your phone, I could tell from the mapping app that you were already on your way. But you had no idea where I’d gone. You have no clue how much I loved you in that moment, by the way.”
He looked up at Jake, feeling almost shy. Funny that it was still strange and exotic to admit it to him, even after all this time.
“I’m a detective. It’s kinda what I do,” Jake teased him in a gentle tone. He explained how, after he’d gone with Cordiline to St. Andrews’ apartment and seen Tomas there in a memory, it had all started to fit together rather fast. When he told Mari about seeing him in a memory at Tomas’ flat, he began to tremble and found himself fighting tears again.
“Damn! You knew…before I did. I didn’t need to…” Mari broke off and swallowed hard. Sickness rose in his gorge at the realization that he could have avoided everything that had happened had he only waited and spoken to Jake.
He curled up tight on the bed, wishing he could stop thinking altogether.
Jake murmured, “Thinking about ‘shoulda, woulda, coulda’ isn’t going to help anything, Mari. You’re a grown-up. You thought you were doing the right thing going in alone. There’s no way you could have guessed what that bastard would do.”
“I need to tell you something, Jake.” Mari unfurled and laid his cheek against his lover’s chest so he could hear the comforting drum of his heartbeat. It th
udded slightly faster at his words. He stroked his fingers in the open neckline of Jake’s button-down shirt. “I don’t want to tell you but you need to hear this from me, because I’m kind of scared. I’m clearly not totally immune to your psychometry. One day, maybe, you’ll touch me and all of this could come spilling out, whether you want it or not.”
“What is it, babe?” Jake asked, equal parts tender and worried.
“I…” Mari swallowed because his throat was too tight. “I didn’t want him to do it. You have to believe me. I didn’t go to his apartment for sex.”
“I know, sweetheart. He drugged you. He took those pictures for revenge,” Jake said. “I understand.”
“No. You don’t.” Mari looked up at him, touching his lips with his fingers to silence him for a moment. “Jake…he gave me more than just the roofies. He slipped something into the water he gave me afterwards and…when he put me on the bed, before I lost consciousness, I was hyper, Jake. I couldn’t control it. It was like a storm running through me. I was hard before he even touched me. I don’t remember what I said or what I was thinking. And afterwards, when I saw those photos, I just felt really bad…and wrong. And I’m sorry. I didn’t want to feel that way. Not for him.”
“It…it doesn’t matter, Mari.”
He heard the slight hesitation in Jake’s voice but, before he could turn away again, Jake took his face between his hands and forced him to look directly at him.
“It doesn’t matter,” he said in a firmer tone. “I do understand. I love you, Mari, that hasn’t changed. Okay?”
“I… Jake, I love you too…more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life,” he breathed out, making himself say the words before he got cold feet and bottled it. He didn’t tell Jake this enough and tonight it was his imperative. “If I can’t be with you, I don’t want to be with anyone. Ever.”
“Don’t worry. You can’t get rid of me that easily.”
“Does that mean we can go home now and pretend this never happened?” he asked hopefully.
“We could do that, if the doctors are happy for you to leave,” Jake agreed. “How’s your head? They were worried about concussion.”
“I feel okay. The pills they gave me are keeping it quiet.” Mari touched the bandage under his hair and frowned.
“Well then, if you’re not going to cooperate with them, I guess I should take you home.” Jake eyed him in a way he had come to recognize. It meant he didn’t like what was going on but was willing to go along with it for the sake of a quiet life.
“How would you feel if it was you they wanted to stick their swabs and needles in?” he demanded.
“I know it isn’t nice,” Jake conceded, taking both of his hands and squeezing them gently. “But if it makes the difference between punishing him and letting him get off completely…?”
Mari touched his fingers to Jake’s lips. “Sshhh. He will make my life a fucking misery, Jake. If I take this to Crown Court, he will make sure that we are both crucified for it. He’s a powerful man and he has powerful friends. Better to let it go and walk away intact. He’s got what he wanted. He humiliated me. We’re even. He will let this go.”
Jake looked thoughtful for a while—and angry. Mostly angry. Mari wanted to hold him and kiss him but he wasn’t sure it would be welcomed right at that moment. At last, Jake said, “Okay. I’m not going to push you to prosecute him, but let them take the samples, even if they never use them. Call it insurance, in case he doesn’t walk away.”
“Jake…” Mari protested wearily.
“No, listen to me,” Jake persisted. “If you walk out of here now and, for whatever reason, in three months’ time you change your mind, you can never get your hands on the evidence you need. But if you let them take samples now, and in three months’ time everything is going fine, you haven’t lost anything, have you?”
Mari pursed his lips. He wanted to argue but his logical brain told him that his precious Jake was probably right. “Oh, damn it,” he growled. “Can’t I tell you’re still a cop at heart?”
“Does that mean you will?” Jake lifted his hand and kissed Mari’s knuckles tenderly.
“I guess I don’t have any dignity left. I might as well,” he sighed. “Go and find them. Let them know. But then we leave. I’ve had it up to here with today.” His voice trembled a little on the final words and he lowered his head, not wanting Jake to see him weaken. Jake put a finger under his chin, though, lifting his head and brushed a kiss on Mari’s lips, the tip of his nose, his forehead.
“Shh, it’s okay. Everything is going to be okay.” He pulled Mari in close again and held him tight, and for just a short time, everything was.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Two weeks had passed since Mari’s release from the hospital. Cordiline had promised right after he was discharged that, in line with reporting regulations, he would not be identified in any of the press releases on the arrest of the Cemetery Rapist. Mari was grateful for that. He’d explained away his injuries to Mama by saying that he had been hurt helping the police apprehend St. Andrews, which was not entirely untrue.
He knew that she had sensed a lie, though. She was careful around him and that just put his nerves on edge once more. He’d visited the outpatients’ surgery four days after his hospital stay, where he’d requested, and had been given, tranquilizers.
He’d hidden himself away as much as he could without being grilled about it. What his employers made of his absence he wasn’t sure, but he couldn’t find it within himself to care much. The hospital had given him a vague sick note that allowed him four weeks’ grace to recover. No one had called to question this, so he sat at home and felt like a fraud.
He took Tonka out in the early mornings and late in the evening when the streets were at their quietest. All the same, he found he was looking over his shoulder constantly. If someone tried to speak to him, they got the brush-off, and he escaped at the first opportunity. Jake ran with him some days but most of the time he was up even before his lover, unable to sleep. When he did sleep, his dreams were dark and disturbing.
Twice, Jake had stayed over at the house. After the second time, when he’d come down to find Mari curled up on the sofa in the day room, Jake asked if he just needed more space and, despondent, he’d had to admit that it might be for the best. Jake had looked like an abandoned kitten and Mari had felt like a heel, but he didn’t want company—not even from the man he loved most in the world, and the one he felt that he had committed the biggest betrayal against.
Mama had interrogated him after Jake had gone home with his tail between his legs, which had been embarrassing.
“What on earth is going on with you two? You’ve been odd since you caught that awful man.”
“Nothing is going on with us, Mama. We just have our own things to do. That’s all,” he’d told her. It was his most constant lie. She never believed it.
“That’s never stopped you before,” she’d pointed out.
“Mama, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know what you mean by that.”
“You know, all right. You boys try to keep things quiet, but I sleep just down the hallway and I’m not deaf.” She’d narrowed her eyes. “Did you argue about this case again?”
“Mama!” Mari had thrown up his hands. “No. We didn’t argue. I’m just tired. That’s all. Not that I’m having a conversation with my mother about my sex life. This isn’t happening. Right?”
Anni had just given him a tolerant smile, the way she used to when he’d been small and tried to fib his way out of homework. She’d let it lie, but he knew the peace would not last.
At least, this morning, he had some respite. She was meeting a friend for lunch and afterward she had an appointment with her professional oncologist, Mr. Barnard, to discuss some test results. Usually he went with her, but today he didn’t have the heart for another round of discussions about her blood count and the latest expensive trial that she might be able to get onto. He was relieved that she decl
ined his offer to come along and did not push her to relent. Again, that earned him a curious look, but he saw her off with a kiss and vowed to himself to get her some flowers before she got home.
Then he went to his bedroom, took a couple of his happy pills and crashed on the bed for an hour. He woke with a jolt from a vague dream where he was trying to escape from some unidentifiable threat by following Tonka up the side of a steep sand dune. The Staffie’s paw prints suddenly vanished and he found himself sliding down the slope, clawing at the loose sand. When it came crashing down on his head, burying him, he returned to his senses, kicking and thrashing, tangled in the throw on his bed. The drumming of his heart was painful and his struggles woke a dull ache in his back muscles that had been off and on since that day in the cemetery.
Mari went down to the kitchen and made a cup of tea. He took some painkillers and curled on the sofa with his laptop but was unable to do anything more than surf for music. When the doorbell rang, he was sprawled supine, with the machine resting on his chest, listening to a nineties thrash metal playlist through his earbuds. Only the sight of Tonka rushing into the hall with his tail wagging wildly alerted him to the presence of someone at the door.
At first, he presumed it was Jake and got to his feet with a weary sigh to greet his lover, but when the bell rang again, he frowned. Even given their current lack of sex life, Jake would have let himself in by now. And he usually approached their house through the rear garden anyway.
He reached for the latch and, at the last minute, put the chain on as a precaution. When the crack between the door and jamb revealed the visitor, he was surprised to find Solana looking in at him, dressed in quite sober light-blue, boot-cut jeans and a chiffon blouse in gold and soft greens.
“Mama is out. She won’t be home till gone two,” he said, unable to keep the testiness out of his voice, while trying to tow Tonka out of the gap in the doorway with a couple of fingers hooked in his collar.
Digging Deeper Page 22