by Ciji Ware
“So why has it taken you a year to figure this out?” Finn demanded.
Juliet felt strangely elated that Finn was showing the telltale signs of jealousy just hearing about Jed. Then, she was ashamed and reminded herself Finn was still married to a woman who had no idea of the agony he’d been through—because he hadn’t told her.
“Look, I know it sounds ridiculous,” she allowed, feeling lost in a sea of contradictory emotions, “but Jed’s been my eldest brother’s friend since grade school. When I hit thirty-five, last year, he came on to me at the big birthday party my parents held for me at the hotel. I... we... just sort of drifted together after that night. I should have seen right away we’re not right for each other, but I was swamped with work once Avery left for Paris, and he was... well, enmeshed, I suppose is a good word, with our family and my brother’s company. He was a convenient escort, I guess I’d call him—a fact which doesn’t cast me in a very attractive light.”
“And your parents are in favor of this... match?”
Juliet scoffed. “My mother is in favor of any match. She doesn’t seem to want a spinster daughter on her hands who still lives in the family hotel. Getting away from San Francisco as I have, I can see everything much more clearly. I’m a creative type. Jed’s one of the techies in our company. We see everything differently. He’s the one who developed the specific encryption software original to Sky Slaughter and he’s going to make millions off it, along with my elder brother.”
“This Jed guy sounds like a good catch to me,” Finn declared. “Lifetime security. A friend of the family. That would certainly be very convenient.”
Juliet felt her pulse speed up and was cut to the quick by Finn’s mocking judgment. “You don’t know me if you think I’m a person who’d back a horse merely because I think he’ll pay off across the finish line.”
Finn gave a brief shake of his head, as if angry with himself.
“Apologies again. I don’t even know the guy and already I don’t like him, but that was a stupid crack. It’s sounds to me as if you just floated into the deal with Jed, pretty much like I did with Kim.”
Mollified by this, Juliet replied, “Since November thirteenth, making a fortune in violent video war games seems pretty obscene to me. I can’t do it for much longer, or be with a guy like that just to keep my family off my back about my ‘future.’”
“And your father? What does he say?”
“He says nothing. He hardly ever takes on my mother once she has an idée fixe. I can see, now, it was purely wishful thinking to hope my dad would side with me if I said I didn’t want to be with Jed anymore.’’
Finn shot Juliet a hard look. “Why is it you’re only just now recognizing all this?”
“I’m only just admitting it to myself, and now I want to do something about it. As my Grandmother Thayer once said to me, ‘Darling, nothing in pants is sometimes preferable to something in pants.’”
“Present company excluded, I hope?”
Juliet stared at him blankly.
“That’s a joke.”
Embarrassed by the thought that, perhaps, Finn thought he was the reason she had come to the conclusion to dump her boyfriend, she took her courage in hand and spoke her mind anyway. “Present company definitely excluded. But, seriously, Finn, knowing what I know, now that I’ve been to Paris since the attacks, it makes me literally sick to my stomach to have been any part of the video war game industry. Maybe it’s fine for other people. Maybe it doesn’t warp young minds like I think it does. And I’m sure there are ‘good’ games and ‘positive’ electronic games. Maybe they teach dexterity and motor skill—or whatever! But the truth, for me, anyhow, is that I realize how much I hate games, period. I can’t go back to that life ... not after what Avery and the Grenelles and all Parisians have gone through, to say nothing of the relatives of the 9/11 victims.”
Finn crossed to the couch and stood gazing down at her. “And so, like me... all paths of self-awareness led to Paris?”
She cast him a sad smile. “One way or another—or so it seems for the two Americans on board this vessel. And, in one sense, I’m grateful to have gained some perspective having come here, although I so wish it hadn’t been at the expense of Jean-Pierre and Avery.”
Finn took another step closer to the sofa and startled her by bending down and once again cupping her face in his hands. She wondered if he was feeling the same jolt of electricity she did each time they made physical contact. His blue eyes seemed almost black and all she longed for was to stay with him aboard L’Étoile, study landscape painting, and set out on a new path leaving all her worry and troubles behind.
This time his kiss was brief. Seconds later, he stood straight and stated flatly, “But despite these ah-ha moments, you’ve decided to head back to San Francisco, am I right?”
A shocking sense of desolation filled her chest. “Yes. I have to go back. I can’t believe that my plane leaves in less than twenty-four hours. I don’t want to go, but—”
“Then don’t.” Finn’s response overrode her own. “I don’t want you to go, either.”
Juliet looked up at him from the couch, stunned to hear these words. He held out his two hands, pulling her to her feet. The blanket that had been covering her legs fell on the floor between them. She made no resistance when he pulled her into his arms once more, their bodies aligned, their lips inches apart.
“It’s so strange the way our paths crossed,” she whispered, “and no matter what happens, I don’t think I’ll ever be the same after coming here.”
“Then stay.”
It almost sounded like a command. He leaned down and kissed her with such renewed intensity, she felt as if he were imprinting himself upon her so that if she did leave, she would never forget this moment. She felt a crooked grin creasing his lips, but she could only break their kiss and shake her head in a kind of despair.
“Oh, God, Finn... why do we have to live six thousand miles apart?”
“Didn’t Bogie say to Ingrid Bergman, ‘We’ll always have Paris?’”
He was teasing but his voice was hoarse and his breathing sounded ragged around the edges.
“I hate that line in Casablanca!” She leaned in and now it was she who was kissing him. She despised how weepy she felt. Finally, she pulled back once again. “They both were so noble... so self-sacrificing. I couldn’t stand that scene when they said goodbye!”
“I wanted more for them, didn’t you?”
She couldn’t believe the tears that had started to blur her vision.
“You and I can’t have more. Not right now. Not with the mess we’re both in.”
And with her stark statement, reality came back with a crash. She wiped her eyes with the back of her fingers. “Listen,” she said, holding tight to his hands as if willing him to understand her next words, “I love what I feel with you tonight when we kiss, and what I feel whenever we sit in the corners of that couch, but what impacts everything for both of us is that we happened to have met at exactly the wrong moment.”
“No, don’t say that! We can just take this a step at a time.”
“How are we going to do that?” she demanded. “I leave tomorrow!”
He shot her a sly grin. “Maybe a perfectly reasonable next step is to forget being so noble and head down the ladder to my stateroom. Then, the next step is cancelling your flight and—”
Juliet shook her head vehemently. “No more jokes. And it’s not just that you’re still a married man,” she explained urgently. “For me, what’s weighing against just about everything is what’s going to come crashing down in San Francisco. My family’s entire financial net worth is enmeshed in this world of war games. All our assets of the last five generations—my dad’s savings... the hotel my ancestors built—everything we have is now tied up in this stupid joint enterprise. I don’t want to be a part of Brad’s crazy empire anymore—and that definitely includes his right hand man, Jed Jarvis. I can see that, but Finn,” she implored
for his understanding, “I can’t just plunge into a major life change and move to Paris in a flash. I have to go back home and figure out how to untangle myself from everything and hopefully help my parents get untangled if there’s any way to do that.”
She pulled Finn’s hands upward and laid her cheek against the back of this fingers, silently praying that he would accept the complexity of the issues confronting the two of them. After a few moments, she released his hands and continued in a low voice. “I can’t even legally sell my company stock, yet. I can’t just abandon my mother and father at their age—even though persuading them that they should bail out of Brad’s company is probably an impossible task. Even so, I have to give it one more shot. I have to figure this out, Finn, or at least try to... and I have to return home to do it. The heck of it is, I don’t have a clue where to begin or how to make any of this happen.”
Finn remained silent during this long explanation. Then he pulled her against his body, wrapped his arms around her shoulders, and just held her. The strength and warmth of his embrace told her that he did, indeed, understand their dilemma.
Juliet pointed to the stairs that led down to his stateroom. “But just so you know, I would like nothing better than to dive into that double bed of yours and—”
She felt herself flushing. When had she ever been so honest with a man, especially a man to whom she now realized she was attracted on so many levels?
“And do what in that bed?” he murmured into her ear. “’Fess up, so we’ll know what we’re missing.”
“Make love with you. One, wonderful night in Paris.”
Finn reached for her hand and laid her palm against his cheek. Gazing down at her, he bestowed a smile weighted with sadness and regret... and even a ray of hope.
“Maybe there’ll be more than one, wonderful night if you go back to San Francisco tomorrow to do what you feel you need to do, and then come back. I see, now, how it all makes a kind of upside-down sense, and our sleeping together tonight doesn’t. I get it, but what a loss.”
“Don’t I know it!” She melted against his chest again and tucked her head under his chin.
“Well, isn’t this nice?” he murmured. “My consolation prize?”
“Best I can do, under the circumstances,” she mumbled into his neck. “But please be clear about one thing: I think you are truly something else, flyboy.”
“Maybe, one day, I’ll be able to prove it to you, but there’s no question. You’ve got some hard choices ahead, just like I have.”
Puzzled, she asked, “Haven’t you already made those tough decisions? You left the military and now you’re living here.”
“No...” he said with a slight shake of his head, “I haven’t made all of my decisions. Not yet.”
“But, you’ve cut off all ties with your family.”
“I cut them while I figure out the future for myself... and while I try to get past the worst of this PTSD stuff. That is, if I can.”
Juliet took a step back, her arms still wrapped around his waist. “So you might... well... you might mend some fences, in the end?” she asked, thinking of Kim. Her heart clutched at the possibility.
Finn looked away. “I’m at a point in my life when I don’t think it’s smart to make any predictions, so I won’t. There are too many loose ends that still need tying up.’”
The mood between them had suddenly shifted and Juliet felt a distance had bloomed in the silence that filled the pilothouse. What did he mean “loose ends?” Something other than the divorce? But what? She sensed he was holding back on something and was struck by the unhappy thought that it was probably a huge blessing that she was heading back to San Francisco before she got in too deep with this enigmatic man. Major Finn Deschanel had dark corners in his life she knew nothing about, places he was obviously not willing to share with her—unless poked and prompted. Not until she’d finally pulled it out of him had he even admitted the very crucial fact that he had a wife back home—however estranged they might be.
Composing herself as if she were leading a contentious meeting in the conference room at the office, she took a step back and heaved a small shrug. “It looks like we both have a lot of cleanup to do on these littered paths of ours...”
“I’d have to say, yes, we do,” he agreed, his tone equally neutral.
She gestured toward her suitcase on the floor beside the sofa.
“Well, I still have to pack and then I’d better get to bed.”
Finn glanced toward his stateroom below deck. His expression had become a peculiar mix of unhappiness and concern.
“Right. But before you end this conversation with that light-and-polite look on your face... can you promise me one thing?” His voice was gentle, now, and it stopped her cold.
“What? Promise what?”
“That there won’t be a permanent moratorium on kissing you?”
Her lips formed into a prim line. “Obviously there should be,” she retorted, meeting his glance.
Ignoring her last words, Finn closed the space separating them and pulled her into his arms again. Before Juliet knew what was happening, he kissed her until she could barely breathe. To her surprise, and despite the intensity of feeling behind his unexpected actions, she felt no fear, no sense that he had turned into some raging madman. Rather, it seemed clear to her that he was trying to express to her in a way his words could not that he was drawn to her as seriously as she was to him, and that he hugely regretted the confounded complications that stood in their way. Her body responded, even though she couldn’t find words to express the uneasy feeling she had that he hadn’t disclosed everything that was troubling him.
As if he could sense she was disturbed, he murmured in her hair, “I’m so sorry my life is such a mess.”
“Well, if it’s any consolation, my life’s a mess, too. And this—right now—is getting dangerous.”
“For me, too.”
“You’re married, Finn. You and Kim share a long history. Facts are facts.”
“Which fact are you talking about?”
She stepped away. “That isn’t funny!”
Finn stood with his hands by his sides. “I’m sorry. Again. You’re right. None of it’s a joke. We probably should declare a moratorium. I couldn’t think of anything else to say because... just now, I wanted to scoop you up and carry you down to my stateroom like a cave man heading for the hills.”
She heaved a sigh of finality. “Well, we can’t do that.”
He gave a short laugh. “Good call. At least one of us is keeping our heads.”
And within seconds, he disappeared from the main cabin, firmly shutting the teak door between his stateroom and the pilothouse above.
CHAPTER 16
When Juliet awoke the next morning, the door to Finn’s stateroom was open and his bed was made in the empty room. By the time she’d dressed and closed her suitcase for the final time, he’d returned with his usual supply of croissants and immediately set to making them coffee.
“Thanks,” she said, taking a mug from his hand, seeking its warmth while trying to ignore heaviness in her chest. They both knew she was on a countdown to her departure later that afternoon. “I’ll just finish this and then I’d better get going. I want to spend my last day here having a quiet lunch at Avery’s and then I’ll head for the airport.”
“Please tell her that I’ve got her on my radar screen,” Finn said, “and to expect a call from me if she’s willing to see Dr. Abel.”
“I’ll feel her out about it and text you before I take off.” Juliet took a last sip of her coffee. “And thank you so much, Finn... for everything.”
“You’re welcome.”
During this polite exchange, Truffles, the cat, suddenly popped through an open window above the desk and provided a diversion from the difficulty of making conversation until it was time for Juliet to leave. When, finally, she rose from the sofa, Finn did too, retrieving her mug and a plate sprinkled with the last, flaky crumbs of
her croissant. They stared at each other for a long moment, neither making a move.
“The holidays will be upon us full force before you know it,” he offered, breeching the awkwardness that neither of them knew how to say goodbye. “Don’t forget to tell Jamie that he’s welcome to the couch here for as long as he needs it.”
Touched by this kindness, Juliet could only nod her thanks. Finn put the mug and plate on the coffee table. Another long pause stretched between them before she stood on tiptoe, leaned forward, and brushed both Finn’s checks with a feathery kiss, European style, as she’d often seen his Aunt Claudine bestow on her nephew upon departure.
“Merry Christmas... early, Major.”
“And a good holiday for you, too, Mademoiselle Juliet. I’ll think of you during midnight mass with my aunt at Notre Dame. It’s about the only time she goes to church.”
She offered him a faint smile of regret. “And I’ll do the same for you at Grace Cathedral on Nob Hill. It’s Episcopal. I hope that counts.”
Without either of them saying a final goodbye, Finn carried her suitcase down the gangway.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you to Avery’s? I could swing by later and take you to the airport.”
He pointed in the direction where the MG was parked on the street above the quay. A breeze ruffled the water between the barge and the cobbled walkway, and Juliet lost her resolve to make this a casual farewell.
“Let’s not make this any harder than it already is.” She touched the tips of two fingers against her mouth and pressed them to his lips in benediction. “Au revoir, flyboy.”
She grabbed the handle of her wheeled bag and marched up the incline with quick, purposeful strides, feeling Finn’s gaze riveted on her back all the way. When she reached the road above L’Étoile de Paris’ mooring spot, Juliet almost felt as if a magnet was attempting to pull her back to the spot where Finn now stood on the deck of the barge near the door to the pilothouse. She hailed a passing taxi and while she waited for the driver to stow her luggage in the trunk, she allowed herself to turn, raise her hand, and offer a last wave. In return, Finn put his right hand over his heart and then waved back.