I glanced at my picture frame and refused to kill off a sister, so I shrugged like I didn’t know he was referring to my clothing. I had on a black dress, black tights, and black boots. Kurt smiled and nodded to us as he entered Julius’ cubicle. I felt like warning him to watch his step; I was dressed for a funeral and his would be as good as any.
“Tobi, its August. Why are you dressed in black?” Kevin asked.
He had on a grey shirt, the color of Julius’ eyes. I wasn’t sure if it was in remembrance or in hope of finding another grey eyed beauty. I looked over at Kurt and saw he had green eyes. I would now officially hate the color green.
Poor, destined to be loathed Susan walked in wearing a green blouse. “Really,” I screamed at her, “You’re really going to come in here wearing that?” She looked down at her offensive shirt and headed quickly back to her car.
“Are you on the rag?” Kurt asked, and the entire department buzzing with before work socializing grew instantly quiet. Kev covered his mouth, but his gasp was still audible. I was so relieved to know my attire would not go to waste; it seems I would be attending a funeral after all.
I grabbed my letter opener and looked at it as I wondered why I had a letter opener. I only opened e-mails, so why was my desk stocked with a letter opener? Oh yeah, to kill misogynistic cube stealers, that’s why.
Kev jumped out of my way, because, well, he was more of a lover than a fighter. But General Lee showed up early this time and grabbed me by my waist and pulled me to his office as I kicked and screamed about removing Kurt’s semen repositories. I actually wasn’t so formal; I threatened to cut off his balls.
“What is wrong with you?” Travis yelled, as he slammed his door. “You used to be one of my best workers, now you act like a crazy person.”
Wait, I was one of his best workers? But I didn’t know what I did or which department I was in. I e-mailed people having problems and told them which fix to download. It was all in a folder and even told me how to word my response. Oh… hey… fix, versions, updates, developers…SOFTWARE, we made software. Wow, I worked for a software company and we reached our goal. I was feeling pretty darn grown up at the moment.
“Are you going to answer me?”
Moment over. Okay, answer, so he asked me a question, think Tobi, think…. oh yeah, “Nothing’s wrong with me, Kurt is a sexist idiot and I’m not going to sit by his cube if he asks about my menstruation. “
“So you solve it by trying to kill him?” he asked, with his freaky eyes boring into mine.
“Tit for Tat, if he talks about my tits, I’ll remove his tats.”
“He didn’t talk about your tits,” Travis said to defend the lowest of all squares, the square squatter.
“My monthly cycle affects hormones which make my breasts sore, so asking if I was on the rag was tantamount to asking about my tits, too.” I’m sure this was news to Travis; proper southern women would never talk like this.
“Go home, Tobi. Take the day off and come back tomorrow ready to work,” he instructed, and I could hardly wait to tell Julius how mean his roommate was to me.
“I’m getting a new dog,” I said, as I pulled open the door, “A Pit-bull.” When I turned to leave I took a quick stutter step at Travis and he threw his arms up for protection. Yeah, that’s right, don’t screw with a pit-bull owner, we will mess you up.
I marched to my cube and grabbed my purse as Kurt sat back in his chair with a smile on his face. Man, I hated him. He brought his hands behind his head as if to totally relax, and the chair dipped back, causing his arms to fly out to steady the falling chair. “And my vagina was clear over here,” I said with a smirk, and walked out, leaving him to stare dumbfounded at my retreating form.
I grabbed the bodacious butt picture from my car and wrote with a red marker, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU. I held it toward the windows and waited. It was less than five minutes when Julius came running out the door. I was quickly reduced to tears and when he pulled me into his arms I sobbed loudly against his shirt.
“I was the best worker and because of Kurt my boobs get sore, so I have to go home,” I cried. I was using the right words, just not in the right order. But any squiggle would understand what I meant.
“Did Kurt touch you?” Julius asked with an angry voice.
“No, Travis was mean about the letter opener to remove his balls, so I’m getting a pit-bull,” I explained further as I sobbed louder.
Julius was quiet for a moment and finally asked very softly, “So… Kurt didn’t touch you?”
“Jeeze, Julius, don’t you listen?” I was tired of explaining the situation to him, so I turned to get in my car, but he pulled me back into his arms.
“Don’t cry, sweetheart,” he said, and held my head gently to his chest. “I’m so sorry this is messed up. I wish I knew how to fix it. Jen can’t drag this out forever.”
“I’m fixing it,” I told him, but at this point he didn’t understand anything I said.
We were transfixed in each other’s arms and I figured it was a good time to get the essentials out of the way. We should have gone right to the essentials when we first met, but I was never one to do things in the right order. “How old are you?” I finally asked.
“Twenty-six,” he answered, still holding my head to his chest.
“What’s your full name?”
“Julius David Carmichael.”
“What’s your favorite shape?” I asked and held my breath as I waited for the answer. If I heard the word square my heart would break into a million pieces.
He thought for a moment before saying, “The Lemniscates.”
Huh? I tried to run various shapes through my head and he finally stopped the Sesame Street episodes to explain. “You know the infinity symbol or a sideways eight, like this.” And then he used his finger to make a large squiggle in the air. I was overcome with emotions.
I grabbed his face in my hands and looked him in the eyes as I shivered with desire for him. “I love you, Julius David Carmichael.” Then I kissed him senseless.
Yeah, I started my period… dang that Kurt. I spent the rest of the day eating chocolate, crying, fake dog picture shopping, and learning to make perfect Lemniscates. It was just what I needed.
I was thrilled I told Julius I loved him. Maybe thrilled was too strong of a word. Happy was a better word. Honestly, I was pleased I told him. Or… okay, I was okay I told him. Oh heck, why did I tell him? It was too soon, even though he kind of told me, but he actually said ‘falling’ not fallen, and he said it because I was embarrassed about popping a squat on his face.
I was lying in bed with a heating pad for my cramps, Clearasil dots on my zits, and my swollen feet elevated when Jack called. “Yeah,” I answered, too hormonal to make any effort at cleverness.
“Done,” he said.
“Have you washed your hands and gargled with antiseptic, yet?” Maybe I had a bit of cleverness left in me.
“What do I get?” he asked, getting right to the bargaining.
“Most likely a venereal disease,” I mumbled, and then added, “What do you want?” I owed him anything and would be willing to pay up, as long as it didn’t involve any part of him touching any part of me.
“Do you still have that old surfboard in your father’s garage?”
“Really,” I squealed, “the board is yours, plus I’ll throw in a couple hundred bucks toward getting it back into shape.” I was feeling generous, since he would most likely need a blood transfusion to rid himself of her skank cooties. I’m pretty sure his medical insurance won’t cover it.
“I’ll e-mail you the video and you can download it on a disk.”
“Okay, I’ll be in Cartwright Saturday, so you can get the money and the surfboard.”
“Nice doing business with you, Tobi. Call me when you need to steal another guy from Jennifer.”
Ooh so close. I almost thought of Jack as a friend. “Yeah, you run along and treat that chancre on your dangler.” This time I e
nded it before him, as it should be when things transpire between men and women.
I was dying to get a look at the video, so I showed up to work bright and early, dressed in a vibrantly colored summer dress with a tiny cardigan. I tap danced up the stairs to the song, Singing in the Rain, playing in my head. This was going to be a great day, and I didn’t need those useless psychics to tell me. I turned on my computer and waited for everything to come up as I looked around. “Good morning, sisters,” I said, and held up the picture to kiss. “Rest in Peace, Sammy,” I offered, and gave him a kiss, too.
The computer came to life and I clicked on the e-mail Jack sent. I pulled out my headphones, turned the volume up loud, and started the porn. Wow, Jack was rocking the tight body. He seemed to be taking care of his physique. Oh gross, crotch-less panties, a must-have for every whore. Okay, boobs look great; she must have had them done. Shut the heck up, Jack. There was no need to compare Jen and me, it isn’t the size… it’s the miles. Mine may be small, but they have low miles. Okay, she’s talking, good, good, WHAT, she offered him money to leave me… oh yeah, we’re not really together. Wow, impressive how she can talk and do that at the same time, a sign of a real pro. Speak up, Jack, I can’t understand you when you grunt. Oh man, sick, Jen does not have a pretty sex face. She’s all pinched and her nostrils flare… oh, now, that is just downright fugly. At least Jack let her go first… wait, what was that?
I backed up the image and watched again. Jennifer rolled her eyes and made a face. I jumped up from my seat and threw my fist into the air as I screamed loudly, “SHE FAKED IT.” Turns out I wasn’t all that early to work. Kelly’s bulging eyes were peering over the wall from the cube next to me and just about popped from her head when she saw my screen.
I pulled the headphones off and sheepishly explained. “Sorry, that’s my old boyfriend, Jack. He sent me a video. He looks good, don’t you think?” She nodded and slowly lowered into her own square.
I proceeded to make close to twenty copies of the footage and e-mailed Julius asking him to meet me in the stairwell. I never got a response, so I went into Mr. Stovall’s office and asked him if he knew which floor the developers were on.
“They aren’t in today, they are at a retreat.” I tried to rearrange the words, so they could be made into directions, but nothing worked. Stupid square people.
I had to get to the top floor and wondered who would be willing to kiss me when Kurt walked by and gave me a sex-offender smile. I wasn’t about to get anywhere near that psycho, only Amos would be that stupid.
“Hey, I need a big favor,” I said to Travis. “If I give Sara a disk to take to Mr. Carmichael, will you kiss her in the elevator, so she doesn’t have to take the stairs?” I laughed loudly and smacked my own forehead, “No, it’s me you would have to kiss, not her. Sorry, I’m just really happy today.”
“You want me to kiss you in the elevator?” he asked, with his southern sensibilities all aflutter.
“No! Dang, Travis, you’re Julius’ roommate. A little loyalty would be nice.” I skipped out the door and down the aisle to Sara’s square. Susan tensed as I passed, and I called out, “You look pretty today, Sues.”
I entered Sara’s cube and smiled joyously. “Sara, I need you to take this to Mr. Carmichael and tell him it will save the company.” Her hand refused to reach for the envelope and she shook her head back and forth. “Come on, I made sure you got to keep your kitchen appliance,” I said, as I widened my eyes to make her understand my meaning.
“What is it?” she asked and looked at the envelope.
“A video of Julius’ ex having sex.”
Both of her hands retreated behind her back and she moved away from me. “No freaking way.”
I narrowed my eyes at her and whispered harshly, “You are such a northern girl.” It was a low blow, and I realized I was insulting myself along with her.
I left to find Claire, but she looked so pale and ready to vomit at any moment, elevating the ex-Rockette into hottest chick status. I left her alone and went back to my desk to look up Mr. Carmichael’s company e-mail. I forwarded Jack’s file, explaining what it was and that I had hard copies if he needed them. Only half-an-hour later my phone rang.
“Hello, Carmichael Corporation,” I answered with pride.
“Ms. Wilson, will you come to my office? This is William Carmichael.”
Wow, the big guy was calling himself. I wondered if he would possibly agree to come to me, but what if he refused and Julius had to remain married to Jennifer ‘Kama Sutra’ Staple, all because I couldn’t get into a confusing block of metal. I pictured myself breaking through the roof of the building like in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and decided the elevator was not something I wanted to venture into alone.
“Um…I can’t,” I said softly.
“You may be excused from any pending work,” he offered, thinking it was dedication keeping me from agreement. Man, he was so square he was almost mathematical.
“What floor are you on?” I asked with a shaky voice. I wasn’t particularly athletic, but how hard could it be to climb stairs?
“The top.”
“Yeah, I know, but how high is the top?”
“Seventeenth floor,” he said, and I could tell he was growing irritated by my squiggle attitude. He told me he would see me soon, although I didn’t agree to make an effort to let him see me at all.
“Seventeen floors,” I sighed, and looked at my high, wedged heels. Maybe I could handle it if I took a snack break, a pee stop, and possibly a wardrobe change… or two.
Kurt was watching me closely, so I put a paper clip in my mouth and spit it at him. He picked it up off the floor and put it in his mouth. He was disgusting, and I loathed the sight of him. I really should introduce him to Jen.
Kevin was my only hope. I walked to his cube as if heading to the gallows. I wondered if gay guys kissed differently, like did they try to put their tongue up your nose or something. I leaned my chin on his wall and spoke with a locked jaw. “You haf to con wif me in da eleator.”
“Why can’t you ride by yourself?” he asked, and I was so happy gays were squiggles.
I held out my hand and he took it hesitantly. I led him to the elevator and we stood in front of the doors as I tried to explain. “I’m afraid of elevators but if someone kisses me I don’t think about it. So, will you kiss me to the seventeenth floor?”
His hand immediately dropped from mine. “Like on the mouth?” he asked with a scrunched nose.
“You kiss way grosser things than my mouth,” I said angrily, and grabbed his hand again.
The door opened, and he stepped in, pulling me with him. “There is nothing gross about a man’s organ,” he said, and pulled me to his lips with that visual running in my mind.
Muzak… slow, soft, instrumental muzak, interrupted by the steady ding of passing floors could be heard all around us. Kev had really long eye lashes and I could tell he tweezed his eyebrows, since I was keeping both eyes open. His back arched really far, no wonder he had such a great butt. Maybe it was formed that way from his lifestyle, or maybe it was how gays were genetically made.
The elevator stopped, and we pulled apart. He wiped his mouth as if I was Jennifer ‘botulism’ Staple and I protested loudly. “Thank you, Tobi. You just reaffirmed the fact I am indeed gay.”
“Am I a bad kisser?” I asked.
“Were you really trying?” he questioned with raised eyebrows.
“You’re right; I didn’t give you my best stuff. You don’t eat a hamburger when you’re heading out for steak.”
“You’re the hamburger, right?” he asked with warning eyes.
“Oh totally,” I laughed, and moved my hand so the elevator would close again.
I walked with excitement to the curved office and the secretary who witnessed my bra examination showed me into the room. I was so happy I hadn’t imagined the wall, it was glorious. It came teasingly from the straight corner and bent outward toward the oc
ean. I exhaled along with it.
“Ms. Wilson, please have a seat,” Mr. Carmichael said, and I quickly sat in a tall leather chair. It made weird stretching noises and I bounced up and down a couple of times as I giggled. Another man in a suit walked in and I recognized him as the man who met with Jennifer at the cafe. The poor guy would probably never be able to eat again without imagining her foot pressed firmly against his aged dangler.
“Did you watch the video?” I asked. The man nodded and gave Mr. Carmichael a quick flash of his eyes. “Did you see how she faked it?” I continued. “Man, you would think she would be an expert at getting what she needs, you know, instruct the poor dude a bit. She’s just a fraud, and really not that great of an actress if you ask me, God, did you see the face she made? It would turn a guy limp if he happened to look down.” I realized I was the only one talking and I quickly shut my mouth and looked back at the breathing wall.
“May I ask where you got the video?” the other man inquired.
“Jack, the guy in the video, he pretended to be my boyfriend. Jennifer can’t resist someone else’s man. He filmed it and got her to talk.”
“Do you know what she meant by getting Julius’ money?” he asked.
“Um… you said she wanted some of the company, this company, which is a software company,” I said as I raised my finger in the air to emphasize I knew where I worked and what we did. Both men looked at each other again and I wished they would stop talking telepathically. “The video helps, doesn’t it?” I asked.
“Oh yes, I just spoke with Mrs. Carmichael’s legal…”
“Please, don’t call her that,” I interrupted. “It is an insult to the generations of Carmichael women back to Eve.” This time William chuckled, and I felt like part of the conversation.
The man nodded in agreement and continued. “Okay, I just spoke with Jennifer’s lawyer and he is advising her to sign the papers and courier them over today. Julius will be shown the video and I’ll explain where it came from.”
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