“William Dear Carmichael and his child lover, Lilly,” I stated proudly, “Charlotte Carmichael and her geezer, Gordon. And… Julius David Carmichael, Greek God.”
I was ready for my congratulatory kiss, or possibly a ‘way to go’ fondle. But I wasn’t ready for the smile that formed on Zeus’s’ face as he shook his head. “You left out one,” he said cryptically. I thought over my words again, using my fingers to count this time, but I couldn’t figure out who I forgot. Maybe he had an imaginary friend like I did, although Claire was usually more fun to hang with… usually.
He finally put an end to my confusion and said, “My younger brother, Sebastian. He’s just graduated from the University of Southern California.”
Sebastian? Man, his mother really needed a better baby name book. I thought Julius was bad, but Sebastian was like calling someone a bastard with your mouth full of food. I suddenly felt very exposed. I was dating a guy who was already talking about marriage and I didn’t even know he had a brother. I grew quiet and when he asked me what was wrong I just shook my head. We couldn’t have this conversation right now, and to be fair, at least his sibling was real.
I finally pointed at Amos and asked my mom if she was done introducing him around. She wanted to take both him and Claire to the station, so I said, “Have them back by seven. We’re going to the Driftwood tonight.”
“What’s that?” Amos asked.
I was stunned when Julius answered for me. “It’s a nightclub in Harborton.” I looked at him with surprise and he shrugged before saying, “I’ve never been inside, but I had to pick… someone… up there once.”
I knew he was talking about Jen ‘staggering’ Staple. The only thing she did more than getting down was drinking up. I moved to sit gently on his lap and looked into his eyes when I said, “There is something I want you to see inside the club. We won’t stay long.”
“It’s okay,” he said softly. “Being there with you makes all the difference.”
I wanted him to know cheating was not something I would ever consider but I didn’t know how to make him believe my words. He would have to learn slowly, even though he obviously had a problem with going slowly in a relationship. Julius was desperate to find the kind of love he could only imagine, and I was willing to make his dreams come true, if he could learn a bit of patience.
My mother took off with Amos and Claire as Julius and I cleaned up the food mess. When we decided to get ready he looked up at the stairs and then said, “I guess I don’t get to sleep with you tonight.”
I wanted to tell him he was not here for the interview, Amtard was, so we could sneak out in the night and go at it on the kitchen table if we wanted. But, we would be expected to eat there the next morning, so, maybe not. Something really awful crossed my mind, what if my parents had sex on the kitchen table? Sex of any kind was too horrible to contemplate when considering my parents. My mom always said how much she loved my dad’s mustache, oh gross; I think I need to vomit.
“Are you okay?” Julius asked, as he looked at my sour face.
“I bet my parents have sex,” I said with a total disgust.
“I can pretty much guarantee it,” he laughed. I looked over at the table and tried to imagine my square parents having table sex, nah, it was a round table.
It was close to eight-thirty before we left because Claire was all emotional. Man, I hope I never get like that. We took Amos’s jeep and left the top off as we drove through town. Just as we turned the corner I saw Mr. Staple outside trimming some rosebushes. I grabbed my purse and brought out a copy of the video Jack made before standing in the open vehicle.
“Mr. Staple,” I screamed, to get his attention. I pointed at Julius and yelled, “Guess he was taking my calls after all.” I tossed the disk to him and hoped the skinny case kept it in one piece. Then I yelled louder, “Your daughter’s in a movie, you must be so proud.”
I laughed with evilness when he walked over to pick up the case. I could picture him sitting in a Barcalounger with a tub of popcorn, waiting for the title to come up on the screen, but it would be Jack’s butt he sees instead, and of course the all-important whore uniform, crotchless panties.
“Stop, Tobi,” Julius insisted as he pulled me back into the seat.
What? Wait, screech, halt, back-up, was he seriously asking me to stop tripping on the sleeze he married? I looked at him like he had lost his mind. He needed to clarify and pretty darn fast. First, he jumped Jack and now he wanted me to let Mr. Douchebag off the hook, I wanted an explanation.
“You lived here, this is your home town, you don’t want people gossiping about us,” he said, and I began to wonder if maybe stupidity was a male thing, instead of just an Amos thing.
“People gossip here to breathe,” I pointed out, “It doesn’t matter if it is true or not, so I’m doing them a favor by giving them something true to talk about. Why are you so wary all of the sudden?” I really wanted to tell him he wasn’t man enough for my fake pit-bull I had been considering from the internet and maybe a sissy-ass poodle was more his speed.
“I don’t want people talking about me at all, I don’t care if it is true or not,” he said angrily.
I turned and looked out at the darkening forest to have a fight with my sissy-ass poodle guy in my head. But, he was a lemniscates so he was beginning to really understand me. He pulled on my chin to make me face him. “Say it out loud; don’t keep it in your head,” he pressed.
At first, I was impressed with how perceptive he was, but then my jaw tightened, and I let everything explode out of me. “Fine, you’re being a wuss, Julius. Maybe your wife cheated on you because she could. Some man cheats on me, he’s gone.”
“Like Jack?” he asked with raised eyebrows.
“Heck, yes. I called Jack to help you. I don’t care if you found Jen lying on an alter in a cathedral, did you really not get a feel for her whorishness before getting on your knee, or were you already down there and decided to offer a ring to save time?”
Oh man, I did it now. His sissy-ass face changed into one of pure He-man anger. He was going to defend his self at all cost and I was a bit worried that coming to Cartwright would be the end of us.
“I was messed up and believed Jennifer’s lies, I won’t jump so easily again,” he said, as he glared at me, and he must really practice his glares. I think he was trying to tell me something, but I was too angry to try and decipher his macho man code, so I retaliated with some of my female hormone rage.
“I don’t think jumping is your problem, maybe you should hold off on the humping until the second date.”
“You were all over me,” he yelled loudly, as his eyes took on a buggy look similar to Kelly’s in the cube next to me.
“You had a squiggle pen,” I screamed just as loudly. “It was the same as a roofie for me and you know it.”
His mouth was hanging open and his eyes were searching through his memories trying to find what I was talking about. When he finally caught on his voice lowered. “You were serious; you really slept with me for a pen?”
“It was a squiggle pen, Julius, keep your facts straight.”
He began laughing, and as much as I loved the sight of his beautiful face laughing, I didn’t like the fact he was laughing at me. He put his arm around me and pulled me to his side. “I love you, Tobi. You are the only woman in the world who would sleep with me for a pen and not my trust fund.”
“Not an ordinary pen,” I mumbled, still a bit angry. I was so focused on the pen I totally missed the part about a trust fund. It was okay, because I wasn’t sure what a trust fund was anyway.
When Amos pulled into the parking lot my hands began to shake. This place was the Holy Grail for squiggles. The tables had been made from actual slices of driftwood, so they had no standard shape. The performance stage and bar were designed to match, so again, no obvious lines or corners. I loved Old Jessop for making his club for squiggles.
We walked in to the lively crowd of people and I ra
n over and hugged an empty table, not to save it for our little group, but to appreciate its natural design. A waitress came over to take our orders and I asked her when the open mic started. It was then Julius realized why I brought him here.
“You expect me to sing?” he asked, as his head shook back and forth.
“Claire and I will sing Karaoke if you play something you wrote,” I bargained.
“No, I won’t,” Claire announced loudly, crossing her arms to show me how adamant she was. Momma Claire was such a drag and really starting to get on my nerves.
I turned my attention back to Julius. If Claire wanted to sit like a lump and gestate I would let her. “Come on, Julius, you don’t have to sing, but play something. I’ve never heard you play the guitar,” I begged.
The waitress glanced at my gorgeous guy and nodded to the bar, “You have to sign up if you’re going to perform.”
I kicked his leg and smiled widely, “Come on, perform for me, baby.” I hoped he thought I was referring to music, but if he misunderstood I was okay with it, too.
He sighed before getting up and heading to the bar. I jumped up and down in my seat in anticipation. Julius singing in a room of undefined shapes, I should have worn industrial strength panties. Our drinks arrived, and Julius still wasn’t back. I looked over to see him in a deep conversation with Old Jessop and wondered what was going on.
The talent hour started, and we watched the first three singers as Julius remained huddled with the old man. His name was finally called, and he walked to the stage and was handed a ratty guitar. He turned toward the crowd and his face instantly paled. Standing right up front with the groupies was the biggest harpy of all, Jennifer.
I have moments in my life I wish were filmed for me to appreciate later, like the time I was told to give a report on the styles and pop culture of teens in another country. I stood proudly in front of the social studies class and talked in depth about euthanasia. Or, when I was on the track team and the girl in the lane next to me told me she was going to trip me, so when the starter pistol went off, I turned around and ran the track backwards. But, this had to be the coup de grace; this was the one to make all other memories fade.
Jennifer leaned onto the stage, so her ex-husband had a perfect view of her new and improved chest, held out like a platter waiting to be sampled. He turned a bit to the side and began his song, which happened to be about cheating women. Jennifer saw it as a personal anthem and was proud he thought to write it for her.
I made my way out of the booth and around to the stage. Old Jessop smiled at me and I returned the gesture and nodded. I took a handful of peanuts and chewed them as I watched Jen stare at the man she treated like dirt. When Julius began searching for me in the crowd his body turned to face her, and she brought her finger to her mouth and sucked on it provocatively, something I was certain she hadn’t learned in church.
I waited for his eyes to lock with mine and then walked slowly onto the stage. He sang with a beautiful, haunting voice and I had to really, really, really force myself to focus. I timed it perfectly; just as I got in front of Jennifer I wiggled my nose and turned to sneeze. My mouthful of chewed peanuts flew from my lips and covered her entire face, as well as her offered up bosom. She would be picking peanut parts from her cleavage for a week.
Her first reaction was to jump onto the stage, but it was an undefined shape so that made it my territory. I pushed her back into the crowd and her tiny skirt flew up to reveal her lack of undergarment, but really, who hadn’t seen her den of disease yet?
I possess no musical abilities at all. I don’t even know what pitch and tune mean, or how to perform in front of a crowd. I channeled Haley Williams, who channeled Loretta Lynn, and confidently grabbed the microphone to sing, You Ain’t Woman Enough to Take My Man. Julius began playing backup for me and I sang loud and proud, just not good. It was the most fun I ever had in a club made just for squiggles.
When I finished the crowd went crazy and I jumped onto Julius and wrapped my legs around him, because I was in fact wearing proper panties. He kissed me hard and then leaned into the microphone and said, “Tobi Wilson, folks. My true soulmate.”
I looked at Jennifer’s furious face and put my finger to my mouth as I said, “Yeah, that’s right, suck on that.” She marched her peanut-speckled face out of the place and we were free to enjoy the night.
Julius sang a couple of more songs and I was all over him like a sailor on shore leave. I noticed Claire relaxed a bit and began having some fun. Amos didn’t drink to show solidarity to his woman… or to impress my mother, I’m not sure which. Julius and I were sloppy drunk by the time we left. We had no control over our mouths or brains. I thought I was holding him up and he thought he was keeping me upright, actually Amos and Claire were holding us both up.
“You’re so hot,” I told him, and he laughed.
“No, you’re so hot,” he said back.
“No, you are like a hot rod, I love you my hot rod,” I said, and actually grabbed his crotch. This must be what it feels like to be Amos…. slap-happily stupid.
“You can have my hot rod anytime; do you want my hot rod right now?” Julius slurred, and began unzipping his pants.
“No,” Amos and Claire yelled at the same time.
“Keep your junk in your pants,” Amos told Julius making me frown.
My guy pointed a shaky finger in my direction and got into the jeep as he spoke very loudly. “You can get in my pants, if you want,” Julius told me and stretched out on the seat.
I plunged my hand down his pants and Claire grabbed my arm and pulled it back out. “No, Toto, your father probably has a gun,” she reminded me, but my guy sang, and he was so handsome, and so hot.
I was suddenly pulled into the air and I giggled loudly. Amos had lifted me off the back seat and brought me to the front seat to buckle me in. “I’ve heard Romeo talk when he gets hot, you two will have to stay away from each other tonight,” Amos said. I tried to look behind me to see Julius, but it only made me dizzy.
I remember the jeep roaring to life, but it was the last thing I could recall until I woke up in my bed the next morning with my legs sprawled all over Claire. It was a rare occasion for me to drink so much. I began to worry what Julius must think. Maybe he was a raging drunk and he felt we would be perfect together. It only reminded me how little we still knew about each other.
My head was pounding, and I was terrified to move. I couldn’t even find the courage to look around the room to see if Julius was there, or if he was lying dead in a pool of vomit. I moved my toes and white lights of pain shot behind my eyes. “Oh… God …I wanna die,” I moaned. Even the vibration of speaking caused pain.
“I don’t want to hear it,” Claire said, and then ran for the bathroom.
I guess her morning sickness was more troublesome than my hangover, but she was going to have to share the pain today. Running into Jennifer ‘barfly’ Staple made me feel entitled to become a bit inebriated. I just wish celebrations didn’t hurt so much.
I heard Amos’s booming voice and I was about to yell for him to shut up when I heard my father’s voice talking with him on the deck. “What do you think of this Julius guy?” my dad asked the mental equivalent of belly button lint. Why would my father ask him anything? The guy didn’t have a working brain cell in his body.
“I think Toto is good for him,” he answered, and made it out of the lint category… barely.
“The kid married Jennifer Staple, is he a bit dense?” my dad asked, still trying to keep his voice down. I smiled on my pillow, grateful my parents knew, and I wouldn’t have to break it to them. But wow, even my father knew about Jennifer’s reputation, most likely from suspending student after student who ditched school to sample her goods.
“I think he is a bit naïve,” Amos said. “He’s been in his old man’s shadow for so long I think he wants to believe in people who see him separate from his dad.”
Hum…maybe Amtard is too harsh of a no
un, too.
“Erica seems stuck on the guy,” my dad said with a chuckle. He came nowhere close to summing up my feelings. I was more than stuck on him; I was becoming madly in love with him.
“Yeah, and you should hear what she does to him in the bedroom, I mean, God, the guy just about…”
“Amos, you freaking idiot,” I screamed loudly, and didn’t care if my drinks came up or not. I wasn’t even concerned about costing him a job far from where I lived or if white lights caused my brain to implode. He was so stupid, and Claire was having his stupid baby. I marched down the stairs and the smell of pancakes sent me running for the backyard bushes.
“What did I tell you about overdrinking?” my father said harshly.
At least he was talking about my drinking and not my sex life. When I finished watering the bushes dad had some news to share. Luckily, it took precedence over his need to chastise me. “Did you hear Amos was offered a job? I think his experience and size will be a great asset to the police department.” I noticed my dad said nothing about Amos’s brain.
Claire came out with a big smile on her face and walked right into Amos’s arms. It suddenly hit me, she was gone. My roommate and best friend was moving on to the next phase of her life and it was without me. I wiped the tears from my eyes and headed inside to shower and dress.
Chapter 8
After I finished getting ready for the day, I snuck into the spare room and watched Julius snore obliviously. My heart was full as I stared down at him. I finally knew what love really felt like and it was the most incredible feeling in the world. He was lying on the bed in his boxers with his feet exposed, so I walked over and kissed his perfect toes.
“Stop it, Amos,” he groaned into his pillow. I took his entire toe into my mouth and he smiled with his eyes closed, “Okay, go ahead, but only until Tobi wakes up.” He stretched, and I could see what my action did to him, so I pulled the blanket over my head and began making my way up his body. “Don’t you dare… oh, Shi….,” he yelled, and I smacked his hip for being so loud.
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