“I think we have all witnessed your impressive ability at failure,” William dear yelled even louder.
I reached the end of my squiggly rope. I wasn’t about to let him talk to the love of my life like this. “Name one thing Julius failed at doing,” I interjected. “Ashley failed at keeping her wedding vows; Jennifer failed at being honest with him up front. He never failed them; he gave everything he had to make his marriages work. You’re his father; you should be supportive of his dreams and telling him to hang in there when his life goes to crap for a bit. You’re just piling on,” I said, high upon my lofty moral pedestal.
“You’re going to marry this girl, she’s mentally unstable?” William dear asked, totally ignoring my outburst. The worst thing you can ever do is ignore a squiggle when they are focused on defending their love. I realized he was used to being the boss and ignoring people, but I didn’t work for… oh, wait… but I was quitting soon, so I continued with my ethical outrage.
“Look at me,” I said with a serious tone, but he continued to ignore me. I stood and walked to where he was sitting and yelled loudly, “Look at me.” His eyes turned slowly and finally settled on mine. “I am not mentally unstable, and the only reason you think I am is because I don’t give a crap about you or your company. I love your son, and I will spend every single moment for the rest of my life trying to make him happy. He’s trying to tell you who he is, why won’t you listen to him?”
Charlotte stood and took my arm; I thought she was going to try to fight me. Are you supposed to win a fist-fight with your future mother-in-law, or do you let her win? Luckily, she spoke before I threw the first punch. “Let’s go talk and let the men have a few moments alone.”
I looked over at Julius as she led me from the room and wondered if he was going to have to fight his father. As we entered the kitchen, Charlotte said, “Honey, all fathers and sons go through this; I remember when William went through it with his father. It is all part of becoming a man.”
I sat on a stool at the kitchen counter and watched her move gracefully around the room. She looked like a model with long appendages and perfect clothing. I realized she was happy being a square, just like I was happy being a squiggle. We needed to find some shape understanding and Julius was it; his lemniscates shape was a bridge between his square parents and my squiggle.
“Tobi?” she called out again.
Darn, darn, darn. “Sorry, I zone out sometimes,” I said, and she nodded before repeating, “Would you like lemon or lime in your drink?”
“Do you have grapes?” I asked.
“You want grapes in your drink?”
What’s wrong with grapes in my drink? They’re fruit, and when the drink is finished they are fun to eat. I can catch one in my mouth after throwing it at least five feet in the air. Claire and I measured one night. Oh yeah, Charlotte.
“Just make it however you want,” I told her. Look at me being all shape shifter and working as a team.
She handed me a tall glass and then came around the counter to sit next to me. I took advantage of our time together and asked, “How did Julius end up with Trashley and Whorezilla? I just don’t get how someone as kind and loving as Julius married them.”
“My son is very idealistic. He looks for the best in people and tends to overlook the worst. He stayed with Ashley and saw her through her illness, even though she cheated on him. He would have forgiven Jennifer, but it was a chronic habit.”
“Chronic habit? When she was born she propositioned the doctor,” I said, as I shook my head. Charlotte was very proper and covered her laughter with a cough, even though she was not a fan of Jennifer and her cheating ways. “I don’t cheat,” I told Charlotte outright.
I didn’t hear anyone enter the room and I jumped a bit when Julius spoke. “And if she did, it would be with a picture from the internet,” he said, as he walked toward me. I held out my arms, so he came to my side and hugged me tightly.
“Do I need to speak to your father?” Charlotte asked her son.
I’m sure she does, I mean, if you make it past the dating other people ‘phase’ and living in a house together, you would pretty much have to speak to him. Maybe she had more strength than me and could go days without talking to the man with whom she shared a bed. I wouldn’t be able to go one hour without hearing Julius’ voice.
I felt someone shake me and looked up at my Ah. “Is everything good?” I asked.
He didn’t answer, but softly smiled, so what does that mean? And where’s William dear? Oh no, what if he killed his father? We would have to get out of there before the body was discovered. Alaska, we’ll head north and live off the land. William dear walked into the kitchen and I let out a huge sigh of relief. Seriously, we wouldn’t last a month living off the land.
Big Daddy looked at me and tried to give a smile, but it wouldn’t quite form before asking, “Are you giving notice or just leaving?”
“Um… we’ll say goodbye before heading out,” I said with confusion. I wasn’t rude, he was. Of course, we would say goodbye before leaving their hotel house. I wasn’t raised by wolves.
Julius patted my shoulder and clarified, “He means at work.”
My head spun back around to William dear. “Oh, I’ll give notice, because I want the cake and the big tearful goodbye, except Kurt, I don’t want him eating anything of mine.”
At that exact moment, someone else walked into the room. I didn’t expect to see the face staring back at me, and I reacted without thinking, which was usually quite normal. I rushed to the sink and grabbed the sprayer, blasting it right at the man with slicked back mafia hair. “You are not wetting down my breasts this time, pervert,” I screamed.
Julius grabbed my arms and when he couldn’t get the sprayer from my hands he reached around to shut off the water. I was ready to use my own spray by spitting on the guy when I heard Julius say, “Tobi, this is my brother, Sebastian.”
What? This creep was S’bastard? Man, Julius didn’t stand a chance with these characters as his family. I crossed my arms, determined not to apologize and looked right at his horribly named brother. I could now see some similarity, but he didn’t have grey eyes like William dear and Julius. He wasn’t as lanky as Julius either, but the main difference was the hair. My guy’s hair was thick and unruly. S’bastard’s hair looked like he just rose out of a pool.
“I met your woman at the company party,” S’bastard announced with a grin… and a wet shirt.
“We didn’t officially meet. He sprayed my chest on the bumper boats,” I added, to give everyone a clear picture of this foggy situation.
Julius pulled the stool out for me to sit again and then officially introduced us. “This is Tobi, my fiancé. This is Sebastian, my younger brother.”
The jerk burst into laughter and I glared hatefully, because I wasn’t sure what he was laughing about.
“You’re getting married, again?” he gasped.
Well, it was kind of funny. Julius was only twenty-six for heaven sakes and ready for his third marriage. But, I was going to be faithful, so this was going to be his last marriage. I continued with my glaring instead of laughing. S’bastard pulled his wet shirt from his body and my traitorous eyes went right to his abs.
“Only my brother could do something this stupid,” he continued.
I wanted to object or say something so profound that the entire room would nod their heads with newfound enlightenment. But my mind went straight to junior high and I responded with, “You’re the stupid one.” Oh man, it was awful. I might as well have told him to go to h-e double toothpicks. I was prepared for a confrontation with William dear, but S’bastard had me off my game.
He leaned against the back of a leather chair and his smile grew wider as he looked right at me. “You must be very talented. Congratulations, bro.”
Hum… you can’t argue with that comment. Should I admit to being talented or not? Which would be more insulting? Luckily, I didn’t have to choose since my tale
nted man spoke for me. “Grow up,” Julius said with disgust. “You should be happy; Dad’s company is yours.”
I was very supportive of Julius’ dream, but it did bust my chops that his dream would benefit S’bastard. I could hardly stomach the thought of him sitting in the office with the breathing wall. My future brother-in-law extended his hand to shake mine, but I quickly pulled them both behind my body. I would rather touch Kurt than S’bastard. Of course, I would have to be fully gloved and using tongs, but still.
He took a deep, irritated breath and then asked, “So, should I bother getting to know you, or should I just call you ‘third’?”
“Sebastian,” Charlotte cried out.
Julius just stood there and took it. But, I don’t just stand and take anything. Squiggles react and usually without thinking. I raised my hand and poked his bare-muscled chest with two fingers as I said through clenched teeth. “You may call me the ‘real Mrs. Julius Carmichael’ because I’m in this for life.” Okay, it sounded a bit like I had been condemned to a terrible sentence, but I would happily drop the soap and have shower sex with Julius…. just please don’t condemn me to the chair. I was never going to leave him or cheat on him.
“Have you decided on a date?” Charlotte asked, to bring civility back into the conversation. I smiled at her in gratitude for changing the subject from the other Mrs. Carmichaels. S’bastard left the room laughing so my mood suddenly lightened, and I was willing to discuss the wedding details if she wanted.
“Is tomorrow too soon?” Julius laughed.
His parents both said, ‘Yes’, at the exact time I said, ‘No.’
Charlotte looked at me like I was too dense to understand what I was saying. “Honey, it takes a good year to plan a wedding,” she said, and I gasped. “The gardens here will be much prettier next summer and…”
“Claire will have her ugly baby by then. I can’t have the spawn of Amos at my wedding.”
I was trying to let her know there were other things to consider, much more important things, but she continued with her ‘inside the box’ thinking. “You have to prepare a guest list, find a dress, choose announcements, and pick a menu.”
I couldn’t imagine getting married at the Carmichael Hotel. It would be all wrong and Charlotte would insist I do everything in a traditional manner. “No, I’ll get married at the Driftwood, with just family and a few close friends, and we can open the bar and have hot wings and nachos as we all dance. I love orange; can my dress be orange, Julius?”
I burst into my own laughter when I realized I just called my man an Orange Julius. I made a mental note to serve those at my wedding. I was suddenly very excited for a reception. Nobody would forget my wedding and they would talk about how fun it was for years.
“You can wear whatever you like,” he said loudly and proudly. Man, I loved him.
His parents stared speechless, so I took my guy’s hand and pulled him to the door, “Bye,” I called out, “We have to go plan a wedding.”
I assumed I would tell my mom what I wanted, and she would arrange it all, but it turns out the bride must be more involved than that. I asked Claire to be my matron-of-honor and Sara to be my bridesmaid. I wanted Kevin too, but I decided it wasn’t good to have a bridesmaid who wanted the groom. Claire refused to wear an orange dress, saying she would look like a pumpkin since she was pregnant. Sara refused because she said the color orange overwhelmed her tiny frame. Isn’t that what wonderful colors are supposed to do? I finally agreed Claire could wear deep red, and Sara could wear soft yellow. I would use the color orange for all the decorations.
It was time to give my notice at work. I was given the obligatory farewell party and as I walked to the cafeteria I couldn’t control my tears. How could I leave a job I loved so much, well, maybe not loved, but enjoyed, okay, not really enjoyed, but performed, how could I leave a job I performed?
Kevin came up to hug me and we bawled like the two women we were. “I’ll never forget you,” I said.
“I hate you for taking my man,” he replied.
“I know, but he prefers the V to the P.”
He turned his mouth to speak directly into my ear and whispered, “Big Kurt doesn’t.”
“Big Kurt?” I said with my raised eyebrows.
“Oh yeah,” Kevin said, and fanned himself.
“I just threw up a little in my mouth,” I admitted.
“He does that, too,” Kev said, and then moved on. My body shook in disgust and I wanted those images out of my head forever.
“Sues,” I said, and held out my arms. She recoiled like I was going to punch her and then moved in for an awkward hug. “I think I’ll miss you the most,” I declared, and tightened my arms. She remained very stiff until I whispered, “Come to the wedding and I’ll let you kiss him.”
Her arms finally tightened around me and she hugged me back in earnest. It was worth having her smash her chest into me because now we had at least one confirmed guest.
Kelly and her bug eyes came up next. She looked a bit skittish and I finally asked, “What?”
She leaned in and said softly, “Can I have a copy of that video, the one with your ex-boyfriend?”
“Kelly, you horny little tramp,” I teased. “I’ll set it on your desk, along with his phone number.” She smiled, and her eyes didn’t seem so entomologyesk.
I was stunned when Mr. Carmichael and Layton came into the room. They NEVER ate in the cafeteria and the place grew silent. To put everyone at ease, William dear decided to speak. “We are losing some very valuable employees, Tobi today, and Sara and Travis soon. Sara’s statistics were some of the highest recorded for your department.” They gave our stats to the owner? It would have been really nice to know information like that up front.
“And Tobi… was diligent in her e-mails, keeping the clients very entertained.” Hum… did he just compliment me or insult me? “Travis will remain for another month to train the next supervisor, and I will let him announce the person we have promoted.”
Travis stepped forward with his hands behind his back and staring at the crowd like the southern freak he was, but I had to admit he was a pretty good boss. He kept a tight ship, but you can’t really keep a ship tight, it either leaks or it doesn’t. Everyone began clapping so I searched for the person I missed being announced.
Kevin, oh my gosh, Kevin was the new supervisor. I wanted to stay now, forget about Harborton and the club; I wanted to play business with Kev. Kurt stuck his hand out to shake Kevin’s and I noticed the glances they gave each other, never mind, I’m going. I’ll play business with Julius. I love his business, he has great business, and he really knows his business.
“Tobi,” William dear said loudly.
“Oh sorry, I was just thinking….” I stopped this time; I didn’t say anything inappropriate, I simply stopped.
“Yes, I know it’s a strain sometimes,” he said without appreciating my whole stopping effort. “I will see you at the wedding.”
I nodded and gave him a hug, which pissed off Layton because now he had to hug me, too. “Thank you for all your help in the Mrs. Car…. Jennifer matter. I wasn’t sure how to handle the problem,” he admitted as he patted my back.
“I’m sure it was difficult for one professional screwer to go after another,” I said with a wide smile.
He actually laughed at my lawyer joke and said, “Touché, Ms. Wilson.” You just gotta love a square who knows his place in the world.
The crowd began to thin, and Sara and I stood by the cake and let our tears fall. “Are you sad to go?” she asked in her little coquettish voice that made her stats so high.
“No, but my sisters are,” I said, and picked up a handful of cake.
“Do you think the clubs will make money?” she asked with a hint of fear.
“I don’t know, I don’t see how this place makes money, but we beat Microsoft. I believe in Julius and Travis, if that’s what you’re asking.” She smiled and nodded. When she noticed my hand fu
ll of cake I pointed at the small metal strip on the sneeze guard showing Kurt coming up behind us.
“Do I get to cop a feel before you leave?” he said in his predator way that turns a woman’s stomach and makes her look around for a policeman.
I spun quickly and smashed the handful of cake right into his face. Sara squealed and did the same, sending the room into a fully-fledged food fight. All our aggressions were taken out for all past wrongs, assumed, or otherwise. I got Sues right in the neck with chocolate frosting and Kevin got both of my breasts with pink roses. Every girl should have the chance to have her chest frosted with a pretty color, it made me feel like… Katy Perry.
Travis had left to walk Mr. Carmichael out; when he returned he looked stunned. I walked up to him with my pink chest and my cake covered hands. He glared at me. “Don’t even think about touching my face,” he commanded, like General Bragg at the battle of Chattanooga.
I put my finger in my mouth to lick off the cake and focus his attention away from my other hand, which came up and goosed him right in his Lieutenant General. “Oh, my Gawd,” he yelled, and grabbed himself in shock. Travis will never understand the whole world of squiggles.
I was supposed to finish out the day in my cube, but me and Sara ended up cleaning the cafeteria as a robust woman in a hair net stood watch with her arms folded over her massive chest.
We got back to our department in time to collect my personal belongings. I emptied my drawers and found a hairclip I lost ten months ago, the extra key to the house Claire and I rented, and a box of tampons I swore I had used up. The hardest part was packing up my dog, RIP Sammy, and my sisters. I kissed their faces and swore a tear fell from my nicer sister’s eye. I took a disk from my supply of Jen does Jack and wrote his number on a post-it before handing it to Kelly. It was disturbing, but sweet.
Kev stopped by my cube with tears in his eyes, so I walked over to hold him tightly. “Are you coming to the wedding next month?” I asked.
“Yes, may I bring a date?” he asked.
“Yes, as long as it isn’t Kurt.”
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