Count Bunker

by J. Storer Clouston

  CHAPTER II

  For the last year or two the name of Rudolph von Blitzenberg hadappeared in the members' list of that most exclusive of institutions,the Regent's Club, Pall Mall; and it was thither he drove on this fineafternoon of July. At no resort in London were more famous personagesto be found, diplomatic and otherwise, and nothing would have beenmore natural than a meeting between the Baron and a European celebritybeneath its roof; so that if you had seen him bounding impetuously upthe steps, and noted the eagerness with which he inquired whether agentleman had called for him, you would have had considerable excusefor supposing his appointment to be with a dignitary of the highestimportance.

  "Goot!" he cried on learning that a stranger was indeed waiting forhim. His face beamed with anticipatory joy. Aha! he was not to bedisappointed.

  "Vill he be jost the same?" he wondered. "Ah, if he is changed I shallveep!"

  He rushed into the smoking-room, and there, instead of any baldnotability or spectacled statesman, there advanced to meet him a merelyprivate English gentleman, tolerably young, undeniably good-looking, andgraced with the most debonair of smiles.

  "My dear Bonker!" cried the Baron, crimsoning with joy. "Ach, howpleased I am!"

  "Baron!" replied his visitor gaily. "You cannot deceive me--thatwaistcoat was made in Germany! Let me lead you to a respectable tailor!"

  Yet, despite his bantering tone, it was easy to see that he took anequal pleasure in the meeting.

  "Ha, ha!" laughed the Baron, "vot a fonny zing to say! Droll as ever,eh?"

  "Five years less droll than when we first met," said the late Bunker andpresent Essington. "You meet a dullish dog, Baron--a sobered reveller."

  "Ach, no! Not surely? Do not disappoint me, dear Bonker!"

  The Baron's plaintive note seemed to amuse his friend.

  "You don't mean to say you actually wish a boon companion? You, Baron,the modern Talleyrand, the repository of three emperors' secrets? Mydear fellow, I nearly came in deep mourning."

  "Mourning! For vat?"

  "For our lamented past: I supposed you would have the air of aNonconformist beadle."

  "My friend!" said the Baron eagerly, and yet with a lowering of hisvoice, "I vould not like to engage a beadle mit jost ze same feelingsas me. Come here to zis corner and let us talk! Vaiter!whisky--soda--cigars--all for two. Come, Bonker!"

  Stretched in arm-chairs, in a quiet corner of the room, the two surveyedone another with affectionate and humorous interest. For three yearsthey had not seen one another at all, and save once they had not metfor five. In five years a man may change his religion or lose his hair,inherit a principality or part with a reputation, grow a beard orturn teetotaler. Nothing so fundamental had happened to either of ourfriends. The Baron's fullness of contour we have already noticed; inMandell-Essington, EX Bunker, was to be seen even less evidence ofthe march of time. But years, like wheels upon a road, can hardly passwithout leaving in their wake some faint impress, however fair theweather, and perhaps his hair lay a fraction of an inch higher up thetemple, and in the corners of his eyes a hint might even be discerned ofthose little wrinkles that register the smiles and frowns. Otherwisehe was the same distinguished-looking, immaculately dressed, supremelyself-possessed, and charming Francis Bunker, whom the Baron's memorystored among its choicer possessions.

  "Tell me," demanded the Baron, "vat you are doing mit yourself, mineBonker."

  "Doing?" said Essington, lighting his cigar. "Well, my dear Baron, I amendeavoring to live as I imagine a gentleman should."

  "And how is zat?"

  "Riding a little, shooting a little, and occasionally telling the truth.At other times I cock a wise eye at my modest patrimony, now and then Ideliver a lecture with magic-lantern slides; and when I come up to townI sometimes watch cricket-matches. A devilish invigorating programme,isn't it?"

  "Ha, ha!" laughed the Baron again; he had come prepared to laugh, andcarried out his intention religiously. "But you do not feel more old andsober, eh?"

  "I don't want to, but no man can avoid his destiny. The natives of thisisland are a serious people, or if they are frivolous, it is generally atrifle vulgarly done. The diversions of the professedly gay-hootingover pointless badinage and speculating whose turn it is to get divorcednext--become in time even more sobering than a scientific study withdiagrams of how to breed pheasants or play golf. If some one would teachus the simple art of being light-hearted he would deserve to be placedalong with Nelson on his monument."

  "Oh, my dear vellow!" cried the Baron. "Do I hear zese kind of vordsfrom you?"

  "If you starved a city-full of people, wouldn't you expect to hear theman with the biggest appetite cry loudest?"

  The Baron's face fell further and Essington laughed aloud.

  "Come, Baron, hang it! You of all people should be delighted to see mea fellow-member of respectable society. I take you to be the type of theconventional aristocrat. Why, a fellow who's been travelling in Germanysaid to me lately, when I asked about you--'Von Blitzenberg,' said he,'he's used as a simile for traditional dignity. His very dogs have tosit up on their hind-legs when he inspects the kennels!'"

  The Baron with a solemn face gulped down his whisky-and-soda.

  "Zat is not true about my dogs," he replied, "but I do confess my lifeis vary dignified. So moch is expected of a Blitzenberg. Oh, ja, zere ismoch state and ceremony."

  "And you seem to thrive on it."

  "Vell, it does not destroy ze appetite," the Baron admitted; "and itis my duty so to live at Fogelschloss, and I alvays vish to do my duty.But, ach, sometimes I do vant to kick ze trace!"

  "You mean you would want to if it were not for the Baroness?"

  Bunker smiled whimsically; but his friend continued as simply serious asever.

  "Alicia is ze most divine woman in ze world--I respect her, Bonker, Ilove her, I gonsider her my better angel; but even in Heaven, I suppose,peoples sometimes vould enjoy a stroll in Piccadeelly, or in some vayto exercise ze legs and shout mit excitement. No doubt you zink itunaccountable and strange--pairhaps ungrateful of me, eh?"

  "On the contrary, I feel as I should if I feared this cigar had gone outand then found it alight after all."

  "You say so! Ah, zen I will have more boldness to confess my heart!Bonker, ven I did land in England ze leetle thought zat vould risevas--'Ze land of freedom vunce again! Here shall I not have to bealvays ze Baron von Blitzenberg, oldest noble in Bavaria, hereditarycarpet-beater to ze Court! I vill disguise and go mit old Bonker for afrolic!'"

  "You touch my tenderest chord, Baron!"

  "Goot, goot, my friend!" cried the Baron, warming to his work ofconfession like a penitent whose absolution is promised in advance; "youspeak ze vords I love to hear! Of course I vould not be vicked, andI vould not disgrace myself; but I do need a leetle exercise. Is itpossible?"

  Essington sprang up and enthusiastically shook his hand.

  "Dear Baron, you come like a ray of sunshine through a London fog--likea moulin rouge alighting in Carlton House Terrace! I thought my ownleaves were yellowing; I now perceive that was only an autumnal change.Spring has returned, and I feel like a green bay tree!"

  "Hoch, hoch!" roared the Baron, to the great surprise of two CabinetMinisters and a Bishop who were taking tea at the other side of theroom. "Vat shall ve do to show zere is no sick feeling?"

  "H'm," reflected Essington, with a comical look. "There's a lot ofscaffolding at the bottom of St. James's Street. Should we have it downto-night? Or what do you say to a packet of dynamite in the two-pennytube?"

  The Baron sobered down a trifle.

  "Ach, not so fast, not qvite so fast, dear Bonker. Remember I must notget into troble at ze embassy."

  "My dear fellow, that's your pull. Foreign diplomatists arepolice-proof!"

  "Ah, but my wife!"

  "One stormy hour--then tears and forgiveness!"

  The Baron lowered his voice.

  "Her mozzer vill visit us next veek. I loff and respect Lady Gr
illyer;but I should not like to have to ask her for forgiveness."

  "Yes, she has rather an uncompromising nose, so far as I remember."

  "It is a kind nose to her friends, Bonker," the Baron explained, "butsevere towards----"

  "Myself, for instance," laughed Essington. "Well, what do you suggest?"

  "First, zat you dine mit me to-night. No, I vill take no refusal!Listen! I am now meeting a distinguished person on importantinternational business--do you pairceive? Ha, ha, ha! To-night it villbe necessary ve most dine togezzer. I have an engagement, but he can beput off for soch a great person as the man I am now meeting at ze club!You vill gom?"

  "I should have been delighted--only unluckily I have a man dining withme. I tell you what! You come and join us! Will you?"

  "If zat is ze only vay--yes, mit pleasure! Who is ze man?"

  "Young Tulliwuddle. Do you remember going to a dance at LordTulliwuddle's, some five and a half years ago?"

  "Himmel! Ha, ha! Vell do I remember!"

  "Well, our host of that evening died the other day, and this fellow ishis heir--a second or third cousin whose existence was so displeasing tothe old peer that he left him absolutely nothing that wasn't entailed,and never said 'How-do-you-do?' to him in his life. In consequence, hemay not entertain you as much as I should like."

  "If he is your friend, I shall moch enjoy his society!"

  "I am flattered, but hardly convinced. Tulliwuddle's intellect isscarcely of the sparkling kind. However, come and try."

  The hour, the place, were arranged; a reminiscence or two exchanged;fresh suggestions thrown out for the rejuvenation of a Bavarian magnate;another baronial laugh shook the foundations of the club; and then, asthe afternoon was wearing on, the Baron hailed a cab and galloped forBelgrave Square, and the late Mr. Bunker sauntered off along Pall Mall.

  "Who can despair of human nature while the Baron von Blitzenberg adornsthe earth?" he reflected. "The discovery of champagne and the inventionof summer holidays were minor events compared with his descent fromOlympus!"

  He bought a button-hole at the street corner and cocked his hat, moreairily than ever.

  "A volcanic eruption may inspire one to succor humanity, a wedding tocondole with it, and a general election to warn it of its folly; but theBaron inspires one to amuse!"

  Meanwhile that Heaven-sent nobleman, with a manner enshrouded inmystery, was comforting his wife.

  "Ah, do not grieve, mine Alicia! No doubt ze Duke vill be disappointednot to see us to-night, but I have telegraphed. Ja, I have said I had soimportant an affair. Ach, do not veep! I did not know you wanted so mochto dine mit ze old Duke. I sopposed you vould like a quiet evening athome. But anyhow I have now telegraphed--and my leetle dinner mit myfriend--Ach, it is so important zat I most rosh and get dressed. Cheerup, my loff! Good-by!"

  He paused in answer to a tearful question.

  "His name? Alas, I have promised not to say. You vould not have aEuropean war by my indiscretion?"