Count Bunker

by J. Storer Clouston

  CHAPTER XXI

  "Well, gentlemen," said Mr. Maddison, "pleasure is pleasure, andbusiness is business. I guess we mean to do a little of both to-day, ifyou are perfectly disposed. What do you say, Count?"

  "I consider that an occasion selected by you, Mr. Maddison, is not to beneglected."

  The millionaire bowed his acknowledgment of the compliment, and turnedto the Baron, who, it may be remarked, was wearing an expression ofthoughtful gravity not frequently to be noted at Hechnahoul.

  "You desire to say a few words to me, Lord Tulliwuddle, I understand. Ishall be pleased to hear them."

  With this both father and son bent such earnest brows on the Baron andwaited for his answer in such intense silence, that he began to regretthe absence of his inspiring pipers.

  "I vould like ze honor to address mine--mine----"

  He threw an imploring glance at his friend, who, without hesitation,threw himself into the breach.

  "Lord Tulliwuddle feels the natural diffidence of a lover in adequatelyexpressing his sentiments. I understand that he craves your permissionto lay a certain case before a certain lady. I am right, Tulliwuddle?"

  "Pairfectly," said the Baron, much relieved; "to lay a certain casebefore a certain lady. Zat is so, yes, exactly."

  Father and son glanced at one another.

  "Your delicacy does you honor, very great honor," said Mr. Maddison;"but business is business, Lord Tulliwuddle, and I should like to hearyour proposition more precisely stated. In fact, sir, I like to knowjust where I am."

  "That's just about right," assented Ri.

  "I vould perhaps vish to marry her."

  "Perhaps!" exclaimed the two together.

  Again the Count adroitly interposed--

  "You mean that you do not intend to thrust your attentions upon anunwilling lady?"

  "Yes, yes; zat is vat I mean."

  "I see," said Mr. Maddison slowly. "H'm, yes."

  "Sounds what you Scotch call 'canny,'" commented Ri shrewdly.

  "Well," resumed the millionaire, "I have nothing to say against that;provided--provided, I say, that you stipulate to marry the lady so longas she has no objections to you. No fooling around--that's all we wantto see to. Our time, sir, is too valuable."

  "That is so," said Ri.

  The Baron's color rose, and a look of displeasure came into his eyes,but before he had time to make a retort that might have wrecked hisoriginal's hopes, Bunker said quickly--

  "Tulliwuddle places himself in your hands, with the implicit confidencethat one gentleman reposes in another."

  Gulping down his annoyance, the Baron assented--

  "Yes, I vill do zat."

  Again father and son looked at one another, and this time exchanged anod.

  "That, sir, will satisfy us," said Mr. Maddison. "Ri, you may turn offthe phonograph."

  And thereupon the cessation of a loud buzzing sound, which the visitorshad hitherto attributed to flies, showed that their host now consideredhe had received a sufficient guarantee of his lordship's honorableintentions.

  "So far, so good," resumed Mr. Maddison. "I may now inform you, LordTulliwuddle, that the reports about you which I have been able to gatherread kind of mixed, and before consenting to your reception within mydaughter's boudoir we should feel obliged if you would satisfy us thatthe worst of them are not true--or, at least, sir, exaggerated."

  This time the Baron could not restrain an exclamation of displeasure.

  "Vat, sir!" he cried, addressing the millionaire. "Do you examine me onmy life!"

  "No, sir," said Ri, frowning his most determined frown. "It is to ME youwill be kind enough to give any explanation you have to offer! Dad maybe the spokesman, but I am the inspirer of these interrogations. Mysister, sir, the purest girl in America, the most beautiful creaturebeneath the star-spangled banner of Columbia, is not going to be thecompanion of dissolute idleness and gilded dishonor--not, sir, if _I_know it."

  Too confounded by this unusual warning to think of any adequate retort,the Baron could only stare his sensations; while Mr. Maddison, takingup the conversation the instant his son had ceased, proceeded in adeliberate and impressive voice to say--

  "Yes, sir, my son--and I associate myself with him--my son and I, sir,would be happy to learn that it is NOT the case as here stated" (heglanced at a paper in his hand), "namely, Item 1, that you sup rathertoo frequently with ladies--I beg your pardon, Count Bunker, forintroducing the theme--with ladies of the theatrical profession."

  "I!" gasped the Baron. "I do only vish I sometimes had ze cha----"

  "Tulliwuddle!" interrupted the Count. "Don't let your naturalindignation carry you away! Mr. Maddison, that statement is not true. Ican vouch for it."

  "Ach, of course it is not true," said the Baron more calmly, as he beganto realize that it was not his own character that was being aspersed.

  "I am very glad to hear it," continued Mr. Maddison, who apparently didnot share the full austerity of his son's views, since without furtherquestion he hurried on to the next point.

  "Item 2, sir, states that at least two West End firms are threateningyou with proceedings if you do not discharge their accounts within areasonable time."

  "A lie!" declared the Baron emphatically.

  "Will you be so kind as to favor us with the name of the individual whois thus libelling his lordship?" demanded the Count with a serious air.

  Mr. Maddison hastily put the paper back in his pocket, and with a glancechecked his son's gesture of protest.

  "Guess we'd better pass on to the next thing, Ri. I told you it wasn'tany darned use just asking. But you boys always think you know betterthan your Poppas," said he; and then, turning to the Count, "Itisn't worth while troubling, Count; I'll see that these reports getcontradicted, if I have to buy up a daily paper and issue it at ahalfpenny. Yes, sir, you can leave it to me."

  The Count glanced at his friend, and they exchanged a grave look.

  "Again we place ourselves in your hands," said Bunker.

  Though considerably impressed with these repeated evidences ofconfidence on the part of two such important personages, their hostnevertheless maintained something of his inquisitorial air as heproceeded--

  "For my own satisfaction, Lord Tulliwuddle, and meaning to convey noaspersion whatsoever upon your character, I would venture to inquirewhat are your views upon some of the current topics. Take any one youlike, sir, so long as it's good and solid, and let me hear what you haveto say about it. What you favor us with will not be repeated beyond thisroom, but merely regarded by my son and myself as proving that we aregetting no dunder-headed dandy for our Eleanor, but an article ofreal substantial value--the kind of thing they might make into aLord-lieutenant or a Viceroy in a bad year."

  Tempting in every way as this suggestion sounded, his lordshipnevertheless appeared to find a little initial difficulty in choosing atopic.

  "Speak out, sir," said Mr. Maddison in an encouraging tone. "Ourstandard for noblemen isn't anything remarkably high. With a duke I'd becontent with just a few dates and something about model cottages, and,though a baron ought to know a little more than that, still we'll countthese feudal bagpipers and that ancestral hop-scotch performance as akind of set-off to your credit. Suppose you just say a few words on thefuture of the Anglo-Saxon race. What you've learned from the papers willdo, so long as you seem to understand it."

  Perceiving that his Teutonic friend looked a trifle dismayed at thisselection, Count Bunker suggested the Triple Alliance as an alternative.

  "That needs more facts, I guess," said the millionaire; "but it will beall the more creditable if you can manage it."

  The Baron cleared his throat to begin, and as he happened (as the Countwas well aware) to have the greatest enthusiasm for this policy, and tohave recently read the thirteen volumes of Professor Bungstrumpheron the subject, he delivered a peroration so remarkable alike for itsfervor, its facts, and its phenomenal length, that when, upon a gentlehint from the Count, he at
last paused, all traces of objection hadvanished from the minds of Darius P. Maddison, senior and junior.

  "I need no longer detain you, Lord Tulliwuddle," said the millionairerespectfully. "Ri, fetch your sister into her room. Your lordship, Ihave received an intellectual treat. I am very deeply gratified, sir.Allow me to conduct you to my daughter's boudoir."

  Flushed with his exertions and his triumph though the Baron was, he yetremembered so vividly the ordeal preceding the oration that as they wenthe whispered in his friend's ear:

  "Ah, Bonker, stay mit me, I pray you! If she should ask more questions!

  "Mr. Maddison, ze Count will stay mit me."

  Though a little surprised at this arrangement, which scarcely accordedwith his lordship's virile appearance and dashing air, Mr. Maddisonwas by this time too favorably disposed to question the wisdom ofany suggestion he might make, and accordingly the two friends foundthemselves closeted together in Miss Maddison's sanctum awaiting theappearance of the heiress.

  "Shall I remain through the entire interview?" asked the Count.

  "Oh yes, mine Bonker, you most! Or--vell, soppose it gets unnecessaryzen vill I cry 'By ze Gad!' and you vill know to go."

  "'By the Gad'? I see."

  "Or--vell, not ze first time, but if I say it tree times, zen vill youmake an excuse."

  "Three times? I understand, Baron."