“No.” Josh cringed at the force of his answer. “You know I wouldn’t.”
“Would you go behind our backs to fuck someone else, laughing the whole time?” Beth’s voice was far less steady, and Josh could see she was barely holding it together. “Would you constantly make us feel like we aren’t good enough, or attractive enough to keep your attention?”
“Beth—”
“Would you make us feel stupid for wanting something that everyone else says is wrong?”
Josh snapped his mouth shut. Tears trailed down her cheeks, but she didn’t make a sound. Oliver kept his gaze fixed on Josh, but he placed a comforting hand on the back of Beth’s neck. They were trying to convince him of something he’d been programmed to see as unattainable. Yes, he was in the lifestyle. But every attempt he’d made to reach out and take something like this for himself had crashed and burned spectacularly.
They couldn’t possibly understand that. Other than his dad, no one really knew why he’d pushed so hard to build Mavericks in the first place. Even Paul, as much as he’d been there for Josh in the fallout of his relationship with his mom, didn’t know all the details. If nothing else, he owed Beth and Oliver the right to know what they were up against.
“When I was sixteen, I came out as bisexual to my parents.” The day was still burned into his memory. Every time he closed his eyes the details were fresh—the half-crushed Tim Horton’s cup by his dad, the smell of fresh-cut grass coming in with the whine of the neighbor’s mower. Josh could even remember the wrinkled pleats on his mom’s shirt as she stood there yelling at him.
“They’d come home early when I had some friends over. Found me dry humping and making out with my friend Russ and a girl we’d met when we were trying to sneak into a club. It wasn’t hard to spot we were all underage, and they kicked us out. We hooked up with her and thought we could all have some fun.”
It was odd finally telling them the truth.
“I told you that my mother was extremely religious. She’d been raised Catholic but switched to some smaller, right-wing fringe group when I was about ten. My parents started fighting more and more about everything. Finding out her son would sleep with just about anything nearly made her implode.”
A tremor started in his thighs, and Josh knew there was no way he’d be able to get through this standing up. Beth and Oliver silently followed his lead, each sitting on the couch near the chair he collapsed into.
“Dad didn’t know what she had planned until much later. Through one of her contacts at her church, she’d signed me up for an intervention camp. A place where they would correct my sexually deviant tendencies and make me a better person. She told me I would be cured. That no boy of hers would grow up to be a whore, fucking everything in sight.”
“Oh, Josh.” Beth’s tears started again. She reached out and squeezed his hand as hard as she could. “What happened?”
“They tried to brainwash me.” He scratched his scalp, scraping his nails against the sensitive skin. “I was shown images of gay sex, and shocked when I’d respond to them. Shocked regardless, just to make sure I didn’t get off easy. They screamed, slapped…it was fucking torture. My dad found out and pulled me out of there as soon as he could. He took me and ran. I haven’t seen my mother since.”
“Jesus,” Oliver muttered.
“They had me for nine days, but it was enough to seriously fuck me up. Thank God, Dad was very clear he didn’t care who I slept with, as long as I was safe and happy. We moved to Toronto to start over. But it was hard. New place, new friends, and I was still fucked in the head. About a month after my seventeenth birthday I got my hunting knife and went out into the woods by the school. I was going to slit my wrists and die out there alone.”
He’d worked the whole situation out. It was late fall and no one came down that path on a regular basis. They’d find him sooner or later, giving his dad a sense of closure, but not so soon as to stop him. He’d never anticipated Paul coming along the same path, training for the school cross-country team. The fact Paul had noticed there was a problem at all and checked, then took the time to talk Josh out of it…to this day Josh was still amazed.
“Paul stopped me. He made me see that by killing myself I was letting my mom and her crazy friends win. He took me back home and told my dad. Even checked up on me afterward. We became good friends, and he’s been there for me ever since.”
“I think I love him a whole lot more.” Beth’s tearful whisper had Josh chuckling.
“You’ll have to fight Sadie off.” He’d fallen in love with Paul shortly after that, wanting to get as close as he could to the other man. But their friendship had always been worth more to him than trying to convince Paul he was gay when he clearly wasn’t, so Josh had finally contented himself with being a part of Paul’s life rather than the center of it.
“My dad told my mom what had happened. I think it was more his way of trying to reach her, rather than rub what she’d done to me in her face. She called me later that day on the pretense of checking to see how I was doing. Instead she told me I was a freak and a whore. If I ever wanted to get better I needed to come with her back to the clinic. It was the last time I ever talked to her.”
They sat in silence for a long time. The words were no longer bursting in him, wanting to get out. Beth’s silent tears remained steady, while Oliver continuously clenched and relaxed his fist. Josh wasn’t sure what kind of reaction he was expecting from them. Hell, half the time he didn’t know what to think.
He really needed to be alone.
“Why did you start Mavericks?” Oliver’s gaze had slipped to the floor. His hands hung between his knees, balled tight together. “If you went through all that shit, why would you want to own a sex club?”
“It’s because I went through all that shit. I wanted to create a place where people could feel safe and explore who they are. I wanted my members to know that there is nothing they can’t do, and no fantasy they can’t explore, no matter how weird someone else might think it was. As long as they were safe and open, I could make just about anything happen.”
“They why won’t you take something for yourself?” The soft question from the other man wasn’t surprising. It broke Josh’s heart.
“I’m damaged goods. I’ve tried to do relationships. I’ve been with couples before, individuals, men and women. I’m not an easy person to live with. I’m fucked up because of what my mother did to me. I didn’t walk away from those people, they left me. I always had the club to find solace in. With it gone, I just…” He sighed. “I’m tired.”
Beth got to her feet, wiping the tears with her shirt sleeve. “So there is nothing we can do or say to change things. You want nothing more to do with us.”
“Beth—”
“I get it, Josh. I guess I appreciate why you ran all the way to Vancouver. Oliver, I’ll be outside.” Before he could stop her, Beth grabbed her pack and raced out the door.
Oliver finally looked up, but not at Josh. “She was convinced all we needed to do was talk to you, show you that we could make things work, and it would turn out for the best.”
“What did you think?”
When Oliver turned to finally face him, Josh wished he hadn’t. The normally jovial man was now staring at him with red-rimmed eyes. “I haven’t known what to think for a while. I was straight until you came into my life. Everything I thought I knew about myself has been pushed aside. I wanted you and Beth. I wanted to go back and open up my massage practice again. I thought I might be able to take care of the two of you for a while until you knew what you were doing with the club. Figured, as long as it was the three of us, we’d make it work.” Oliver stood and retrieved his bag. “Now, I don’t know what to think anymore.”
“I’m sorry,” Josh managed to say, forcing the words past the tightness of his throat.
�
��We’re staying at the Delta on West Hastings. We’ll be in town for a week and then we’re heading back to Toronto.”
The click of the door shutting broke past Josh’s final layer of defense. Pulling his legs up to his chin, he let a strangled cry slip before clamping his mouth shut.
* * *
Hours later, the door opened again. Josh knew it was his dad before the hand came down on the back of his neck to squeeze. For once, it didn’t make him feel any better.
“Oliver called to let me know they were by and wanted me to check on you.”
Of course he did. How the hell could they still give a shit about him after what he’d done? Josh was so wrapped up in his own thoughts, he didn’t anticipate the sharp slap to the back of his head.
“What the hell was that for?” Lifting his head, he glared at his dad.
“I like to think I haven’t raised you to be an idiot, but apparently I was wrong. What the hell has gotten into you?”
“I don’t know—”
“Those two came all this way to win you over, and you in your stupidity kicked them out!” His dad tossed his briefcase on the couch and marched to the fridge, where he grabbed a beer. “I don’t pretend to understand everything that you do in your life. I don’t get some of the things that went on in that club of yours. I do know good people when I meet them. Those two love you, son.”
“Dad, you don’t know what you’re talking about. It would never work. Not long-term.”
His father glared at him for a long moment before shaking his head. “I thought you’d gotten over that shit your mom put you through, but you haven’t.”
“This has nothing to do with Mom.”
“Of course it does. Everything you’ve done in your adult life has been because of that woman. How many people in that club of yours had relationships outside of the norm? I bet most of the people there felt like you do at one time or another in their lives.”
Was he being irrational? It wasn’t as though Beth and Oliver were into the sorts of things that went on at the club. They’d been employees, not in the life.
“There are no guarantees with any relationship, son. I loved your mom more than anything until she went crazy. I fought against the signs for years because I loved her. You mean the world to those two. I saw them at the hospital even when you wouldn’t. It broke their hearts to know you were hurting and they couldn’t do anything to make it better.”
“I know.” Josh let his feet slip to the floor, needing the pain of stiff muscles to help him feel again.
“Why are you fighting this? Don’t you care for them?”
Sighing, Josh stood and joined his dad against the kitchen counter. Snagging the beer, he swallowed down half the bottle before handing it back. “I’m pretty sure I love them. Both. Very much.”
“Then why is this a problem?”
“I…God, Dad, I don’t know.”
He wanted this, wanted them. Had for longer than he’d care to admit. He was the only thing holding them back from having the relationship they all wanted. And yet, every time he gave himself permission to start to think maybe this could work, that voice in his head started screaming at him that this was a horrible mistake.
“They love you and you love them. There are worse things to base a relationship on.”
“And it doesn’t bother you?” Josh fought to maintain eye contact.
“It has nothing to do with me. But no, it doesn’t. Beth is a sweet girl who I’d love to see more of. Oliver is a good man. Confused, but good. You could be happy with them.”
“What about everyone else?”
“Fuck ’em. It’s none of their business.” His dad gave his shoulder a squeeze. “I have a few calls to make. I’ll be in my office. Give you some time to think.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
Alone once more, Josh knew no matter what he chose, things weren’t going to be easy. It wasn’t a matter of if he loved Beth and Oliver, if they would be accepted by the people around them, or if they would be willing to put up with his sorry ass. The one thing that would make or break their relationship was him.
Chapter Twenty-One
Josh stood outside the faded and pitted door of Room 215, staring at the peephole. He could hear the murmur of voices on the other side, undercut by the low buzzing babble from the television. He couldn’t tell their mood, despite being able to catch the odd comment. They’d been somewhere, a restaurant it sounded like, and from the tone of their voices it hadn’t been an unpleasant experience.
Josh lifted his hand to knock but stopped himself short when they both let out a roar of laughter. Clearly, their earlier upset was now long gone, which was good. He hoped. He knew they cared for him. He hadn’t needed his dad’s smack to the head to let him know that. But experience had told him love wasn’t enough to make a relationship work. It took courage, communication and a hell of a lot of effort. Another burst of laugher from within, this time a bit more subdued. They must be watching a comedy. Maybe one of the shows Beth loved to fill them in on after it aired. Or that British thing Oliver was always going on about.
This was stupid. He needed to knock and get it over with. Either they’d slam the door in his face or invite him in. Standing around the hall like a nervous schoolgirl would get him reported to hotel security, and no further to working his way back into their lives. Taking a breath, Josh rapped his knuckles against the door and took half a step back. He’d be clearly visible through the peephole. Let them decide if they even wanted to let him in.
The room inside went quiet except for the soft thud of approaching footfalls. Josh wanted to drop his gaze from the peephole. He didn’t know what expression he wore, and it was probably best if he tried to keep the torrent of emotions spinning inside him from showing. But the twitching muscles of his face and the prickling sensation traveling down his back ensured there was little chance his normal mask would be in place.
The click of the chain sliding off the anchor sent his heartbeat racing. Trying to relax, he smiled when Oliver opened the door a crack. “Hey.”
Oliver froze, his fingers wrapped tight around the end of the door. “Hey.”
All his carefully rehearsed words seemed hollow and fake. Josh knew he could say everything would be fine, that he’d been a jerk and ask them to forgive him, but the words would mean nothing.
Josh stepped closer, ignoring that Oliver refused to open the door further, granting him access. He let out a shaky breath. “I really don’t have a clue what I’m doing.”
“About what?” Oliver’s voice was raw and deep. Josh shivered.
“Everything.”
Oliver held his gaze a moment longer before nodding and holding the door open. “Shoes off.”
Beth was lying on the bed when Josh finally trailed in behind Oliver. She’d cast off her jeans and was clothed only in an oversized T-shirt, wool socks and panties. Her hair was free from any clips or bands, spilling down across her shoulders. The surprise quickly fled her face as she pushed herself up to sit higher against the headboard.
“Josh?”
He wanted to crawl across the bed and wrap himself around her. The light scent of her fruity shampoo made his mouth water from wanting to press his nose to her head and smell. Oliver sat on the edge of the bed beside her. Their hands immediately sought each other out, so quickly Josh wasn’t sure if they realized they’d done it. Not wanting to force himself between them, but unwilling to take up a post on the only chair in the room, he sank down on the foot of the bed, his back half turned to them.
“Tell her what you said to me.” Oliver’s voice was firm, controlling, but somehow that gave Josh strength.
“I don’t know what I’m doing.” It was a bit easier to admit the second time.
“About what?” Beth’s voice was soft and full of concern, a
contrast to Oliver’s.
“Everything. The club. Moving to Vancouver. You two.”
Beth shifted, tucking her bare legs under her. “What do you want? No bullshit or excuses. Just tell us.”
In that moment, everything slotted into place. The fear was real and, yes, they’d have problems. As his dad was so right to point out, every relationship had its issues. Turning to fully face them, he reached out, placing his hand palm up on the bed.
“I’ve got a lot of shit I’ve been refusing to deal with for years. I’m a control freak who needs to be reminded that it’s okay if things aren’t perfect. But I’m tired of being alone, and you two have become such good friends, I can’t imagine not having you in my life.” Taking a breath, Josh shrugged. “I want to make this work, the three of us. I think it can, if you’ll have me.”
Beth gave Oliver’s hand a squeeze. She gently pulled her hand away and crawled across the bed toward Josh. The brush of her fingers along the back of his neck pulled a surprised moan from him.
“This won’t be perfect.” She spoke the words against this ear, her hot breath tickling his skin. “We’ll each have moments of wanting to kill each other, I’m sure. But I love Oliver. And I love you. And I want you both to stay.”
Beth pressed her face to his throat, kissing him gently. Her bent head gave him a clear view of Oliver. The other man was staring at them, his eyes wide and glazed. His lips were parted, and the pink tip of his tongue was barely visible between his white teeth.
“Oliver?” Josh hoped the answer would be what he wanted, but he understood that he’d hurt him in a way that only added fuel to what his ex-wife had done. He wouldn’t be surprised if Oliver wanted nothing to do with him, choosing to stay with Beth. “I’ll leave if that’s what you want.”
Beth stiffened in his arms, but she didn’t contradict him. It was all down to Oliver now.
They held their gazes so long Josh was worried the other man was about to kick him out. Instead, Oliver stood and walked over to him. Forcing himself between Josh’s knees, Oliver dropped to the floor, resting his hands on Josh’s thighs.
Calling the Shots Page 21