Had To Be You

by Juliet Chatham

  Matt furrowed his brow and ducked his head down slightly, unable to hear her reply over the music—though he wasn’t really giving it his attention.

  “Murph was telling us that you guys have a place nearby?” she finished, speaking up louder now.

  “He did, huh?” He covered a wry grin, imagining just how pleased Mr. and Mrs. Connelly would be to hear that. “Yeah, well, kind of, I guess.”

  “It’s getting a little too crowded here.” Proving to be quite the paradox, she eased in even closer still. “Maybe we could go back there?”

  Before he could come up with a reply, Matt felt the slight vibration of his cell phone. Digging it out from the pocket of his khaki shorts, he glanced at the incoming number.

  “Will you excuse me just a minute?” he said, already stepping around past her to find a quieter spot. Bowing his head, he lifted the phone to his ear. “Hello?”

  “Matt?”

  He relaxed into his first genuine smile of the evening. “Rory…hey.”

  “What’s going on? Are you out? It sounds like you’re out.”

  “Ah, yeah…” he said somewhat distractedly, trying to escape the unwelcome intrusion of music and voices. Finally he spotted an open door and stepped into the cool evening air outside. “We’re at a party. Some guys we know. They have a place at Lighthouse Landing.”

  “Oh.” Even though he could hear her better, she still sounded too far away. “Well, I didn’t mean to interrupt the festivities. I was headed out myself in a little while. I just wanted to say hello. Tell everyone else I said hi, too.”

  “Well, hold up,” he said, quickly catching her. “I feel like I haven’t talked to you in a while. How is everything?”

  “It’s okay. I have finals this week. My roommate and I were at the library all day.” There was a short pause. “How is the party?”

  “It’s, ah, okay. I guess. I don’t know,” he admitted with a sheepish grin. “I’ve actually been plotting my exit strategy for, like, the last forty-five minutes.”

  “It’s not even ten o’clock, Matt. Is Murph there? He’s never going to let you hear the end of it if you ditch out now.”

  “Yeah, tell me about it.” Chuckling softly, he held the phone closer. “So, what else?”

  “Well, um, my dad called me today.”

  He hesitated, and then moved farther away from the noise of the party. “And did you talk to him?”

  “No. Like I said, I was at the library all day. But I think…I think I might call him back.” There was another pause, a longer one this time. “Do you think I should?”

  He blew out a quiet breath, glancing up at the moonlight shrouded in misty cloud cover. “You know you’re the only one who can really answer that, Rory,” he replied with a gentle certainty. “I think you should do whatever feels right.”

  “It’s been so long.”

  “I know,” he said, ignoring the swift, sharp pang inside his chest. “But maybe that’s what you needed. Time.”

  “Maybe,” she agreed quietly. “I mean, he’s been right here in Boston all these months. And he’s actually paying for me to be here, in a way. But, I feel like in picking up that phone—it doesn’t mean all the other stuff just goes away, you know? It’s not like he’s instantly forgiven or anything.”

  “It doesn’t have to mean that,” Matt said. “You pick up that phone to call him back? All it has to mean is that, despite it, he’s still your dad.”

  He heard her soft, shaky sigh.

  “I should let you go.”

  His hand clenched reflexively on the phone. “All right, well, you know where to find me, right?”

  “Yeah, I do. Have a good night. Don’t let Murph talk you into doing anything you might regret.”

  His grin only hurt a little bit around the edges.

  “Have I ever?”

  “No comment. Okay, I’ll talk to you soon. And thank you, Matt.”

  “For what?”

  “I don’t know. Just being you, I guess.”

  He slid the pad of his thumb over his silent phone, gazing at it a long moment before he shoved it back into his pocket.

  Past the row of evergreen shrubbery at the edge of the property, he could barely see the horizon of dark blue in the distance, the ocean nearly indistinguishable from the nighttime sky.

  Drawing in a deep drink of cool salt air, he glanced back at the lights and sounds of the party, and then turned towards the main road to start the long walk home.

  ELEVEN

  Folded into the cramped passenger seat of Amanda’s little convertible, they drove past the bay inlet and into the rolling farm hills and equestrian fields on the outskirts of town. Matt spotted a neighborhood of fairly identical houses through the trees, easy to distinguish as a new real estate development. The streets were set up in a neat grid rather than taking some winding coastal route, wide enough to fit a modern Range Rover as opposed to a horse-drawn carriage.

  “Matt?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah. Fine. Why?”

  “You just seem…distracted, I guess.”

  “Nope.” He ignored the small rise of defensiveness, and forced more brightness into his tone. “I’m good.”

  Amanda only nodded as she turned down the next street and slowed to pull over to the side. It was an unfamiliar cul-de-sac on a woodsy lot. He glanced at her curiously, hand balanced on her headrest.

  “Are you going to tell me what we’re doing now?”

  “Follow me and see,” she said, cutting the engine to climb out of the car.

  He furrowed his brow, but did as instructed, trailing after her into the front yard of a new white Colonial near where they’d parked.

  She turned to face him, her expression lit with excitement.

  “What do you think?”

  He narrowed his eyes with an even more confused grin.

  “What do I think of what?”

  “The house!” she exclaimed.

  For the first time, Matt took a good look at the property they were standing on, and noticed the real estate sign staked into the lawn proclaiming it “For Sale.”

  “Amanda,” he said, his smile receding as his stomach sank. “You know I’m not in the position to buy a house right now.”

  “I knew you were going to say that. That’s why I’ve been so careful not to use too much of the money my father set up in that wedding account for us.”

  Matt hesitated, his frown lines etched deep. “Well, we can’t do that. We can’t take money that he thinks is going towards the wedding and use it for something else.”

  “He gave me the money—us the money, Matt,” she said. “He told me he was giving me a certain dollar figure to use as I chose. He’s not asking for receipts. It was a monetary gift to put towards our future.”

  Blowing out a shaky breath, he gazed up at the imposing façade before them.

  “And, I know you already have your small business loans to think of, but is it really going to be that much more than paying the rent? Especially when we’ll also have money from wedding gifts? We’re starting a marriage. Pretty soon we’ll be starting a family. I just think it would be nice if we could start it in a house.” Her voice softened. “That’s how it should be.”

  “Says who?” Matt shot back. He realized as soon as the response left his lips that he’d been too careless in his response. Amanda gazed at him, her lower lip jutting out as it trembled slightly. Feeling instantly guilty, he hesitated just briefly before easing his arms around to pull her into a comforting hug. “Amanda, we just need to think realistically here.”

  “I think I was very understanding when you told me you changed your mind about the bachelor party, Matt. Even though I thought we were on the same page with that. It’s fine if that’s what you really want, but this?” She motioned towards the house as her voice cracked a bit. “This is something I never even questioned—us being on the same page about our future.”

  “I�
�m sorry. I didn’t mean to get you upset.”

  He was angry with himself, and ashamed to realize how much his mind had been clouded with other things lately. Selfish things. Things that were always going to be out of his reach. Matt made a commitment to something here, and he wanted this to work. This, right here in front of him, was his life. This was his reality.

  “I can’t help but feel like something’s going on with you lately.” Amanda glanced away, swiping at her eye as she sniffed delicately. “Like you’re suddenly pulling away from me.”

  “I’m not.” He shook his head more determinedly. “I don’t want to make you feel like that.” He smoothed his hand down the back of her hair. “If you really want a house, we’ll figure something out.”

  Her face brightened. “Really?”

  “Yes.”

  His smile of reassurance faded as she leaned up to kiss him.

  As recently as a week ago, everything had been so clear, so obvious. Matt was on that page. He saw all those things Amanda saw—a house, kids, a life. Yet, suddenly, it was like he was viewing it all through a dense fog, trying to peer through the gray mists to make sense of the shadows and shapes, waiting for the sun to finally come out to burn off the haze.

  And, in losing focus, Matt almost had to question whether the things he wanted were real, or just something he imagined.

  ***

  “What’s all this?” Her eyes shone with that luminescent sparkle above her curious smile.

  “This is dinner,” he explained.

  The small gazebo at the edge of the seaside park was lit up in strings of miniature lanterns, and a full wicker picnic basket waited for them there. All around, moonlight reflected off the dark mirror of the harbor, boats at rest, secure in their moorings.

  “Wow. Impressive.” Her voice lilted up in surprised amusement. “I see you’ve upped your game since I’ve been away.”

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he assured her, guiding her up the step with a sweep of his arm.

  “Mm-hmm,” she replied.

  Matt ducked his head with a grin, his hand lingering at the small of her back.

  Sometimes it was hard to contain it all, the excitement that swelled inside his chest when he was with her. It put him at an uncharacteristic loss for words (which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing) and all he wanted to do was touch her in some way, needing assurance this was real.

  When it so often felt like the whole rest of the year was just one long waiting game, it was like a small miracle to have her here, back home for the summer, and back in his life.

  “I know your mom has the big official college graduation party planned for this weekend,” he said as they got settled. “But I wanted to celebrate, too. Make it a little more personal.”

  “We haven’t done that already?”

  He let his grin unfold slowly, recalling every second of every moment from the previous night. They hadn’t meant for it to happen, of course. Like always, it just did.

  “I can’t help it if you insist on attacking me every time you come back into town,” he joked in mock reproach. “Don’t get me wrong. It’s good to have you home. But, seriously, it gets a little embarrassing.”

  She narrowed her beautiful eyes, the corner of her soft lips lifting into a slight smirk. Unable to resist, he brought his hand to the back of her silky hair to gently cup her head, pulling her in for another tender, lingering kiss.

  At first touch, he melted into the sweetness with a sigh, the ache of longing lessened but never completely satisfied. His need, his desire, his feelings for her were like a constant kind of ache, but rather than leave him empty or unfulfilled it made him endlessly happy.

  It was something he could never quite explain to anyone else; something he only ever felt with her.

  They’d barely talked at all in the last several weeks as she worked on papers and prepared for her college finals, so he had definitely been missing his Rory fix. But he’d been busy himself, finishing up classes locally for his business degree, working nights at a bar downtown plus still landscaping with Murph in the day, living at home and saving all the money he could. It didn’t leave him much of a life, but didn’t feel like much of one when she wasn’t here anyway.

  After what they shared last night, every whispered, heartfelt word and intimate touch, Matt was reminded of what it was like to truly feel alive. Now the possibilities seemed wide open. She still wanted him, and he’d never stopped wanting her.

  This could be it.

  He murmured against her lips. “You look nice, by the way.”

  “Thanks.” She glanced down to smooth her hand over the front of her white lacy summer dress. “You know the kind of places to power lunch my dad insists we meet at. Everything is a potential networking opportunity to him.”

  “How did that go today?” he asked, easing the basket open. There were stuffed buttery lobster rolls, pasta salad, fruit for her and a chilled bottle of champagne.

  “Okay.” She seemed to hesitate a moment. “He was actually in a really good mood. You know, I’m finally a college graduate. The burden is lifted, his financial obligation is over.”

  Matt smiled in amusement. “You know you’re more to him than that.”

  She only deflected the comment, and glanced out at the quiet harbor.

  “What’s the rest of your summer looking like?” He always knew when she wanted him to change the subject—especially when it came to her father. “Because my boat is finally in the water, so we definitely have to plan a few harbor cruises. Plus, one of these nights you’ll have to let me take you out for a real dinner.”

  She brought her gaze back to meet his, but he noticed her smile was slower to follow.

  “I don’t really know, Matt.”

  “Well, yeah, you’re going to be busy with your job search,” he quickly added. He could sense she was a bit distracted, could feel she wasn’t totally in the moment. “I know that. It’s probably going to take up a lot of your time.”

  “About that…” Rory paused with a vaguely troubling frown. “My dad today…well, he wants to set up an interview for me at this public relations firm. It’s actually one of the biggest agencies in the country. He knows people—of course—and claims he can call in a few favors and almost guarantees me getting a job there, but we’ll see.”

  Matt’s gaze drifted over her in a quiet study. “So, that’s awesome, right?”

  “It is pretty amazing.” She nodded her head. “I guess I underestimated the extent to which he’d go to absolve himself of any lingering parental guilt.”

  He regarded her more closely. More than anyone, Matt knew how hard she’d worked to get here, to this point in her life. Something wasn’t quite right.

  “So, tell me. Why don’t you seem more excited about this?”

  “I am excited,” she replied rather unconvincingly. “It’s just…”

  “What?” he gently prompted her, concerned this sudden evasiveness might be due to the fact her father once again said or did something to hurt her.

  As it turned out, he was wrong—about a lot of things.

  “It’s a Manhattan-based firm,” she said finally. “I would probably have to move. To New York.”

  That slow rise inside his chest instantly deflated, a bubble burst.

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah.”

  He chose his next words very carefully. “Is that, um—is that something you think you might want to do?”

  She looked away from his searching gaze. “I don’t know.”

  He dropped his head with a quiet exhalation of breath, but there was no recrimination or accusation in his tone. “I think you do, Rory.”

  This time she didn’t reply. That awful silence stretched between them, like a wall going up.

  “Look, you know I want you to be happy,” he said finally, ignoring the painful tightening in his chest. “I want you to go out there and do it all. That’s what I’ve always wanted for you. But I’m not goin
g to lie. After last night, I know what I want is still you. That hasn’t changed for me, Rory. And so, if you have a decision to make, I guess I need you to know where I stand.”

  “Matt, last night was incredible,” she rushed to reply, shaky emotions trembling through her voice, “but it was just one night and—”

  “No,” he cut her off with a quiet certainty. “It wasn’t. You know it wasn’t.”

  Rory only gazed at him in the broken silence, starlight swimming in her eyes.

  “We can always excuse it away like that, I know,” he continued. “That it was just that one night, just that weekend, just that summer…but we’ve had an awful lot of those, several years of those, and there comes a time you kind of have to look at the whole of what it is. Of what we are.”

  He held her gaze, refused to let her look away.

  “I’m not going to stand in your way. I never have and I never will. You know that, Rory. But I need to know. What am I to you?”

  “You’re Matt…you’re the person I come home to,” she answered as honestly as she could, and one wet tear slipped past her long lashes. “You are home, in a way.”

  He lifted a hand to stroke her cheek, sweeping it away with the pad of his thumb as he smiled sadly. He knew then her decision had already been made.

  “Matt, if I learned one thing in college, it’s that no one is guaranteed a job upon graduating. It’s really tough out there, and if I don’t take this opportunity, this chance, if I don’t at least try, then I might not ever—”

  “I know,” he said, stopping her there.

  All this time, he’d kept imagining she was on her way home, and never considered the possibly she might be moving even farther away.

  Later, dropping her off at her mom’s house, he only pressed a kiss to her forehead. He hadn’t really envisioned the evening ending like this.

  He never let himself see the end at all.

  She walked inside, the screen door swinging shut behind her. And just like that, summer slipped right through his fingers, the future ever further out of reach.

  TWELVE