by Jerri Hines
“Lyttleton watched. I saw in his face he enjoyed it. I could take no more. I ran out to try to help the young ones. Someone must have run to get help. I don’t know where Lyttleton went. He wasn’t there when the head master arrived. I had tried desperately to help the confused children off the ice, but the ice broke. One fell in. I crawled upon my stomach and reached for him. He was in my grasp. Then I could feel someone touching my shoulder. It was Jake. He crawled to the side. Together we lifted the child out upon the cracking ice.
“But as we did so, the ice beneath me broke. I fell in. I remember the cold surrounding me and the water engulfing me. I thought it was the end, but a hand reached for me. Jake had a grip. I was larger than Jake and the water only weighed me down more, but he didn’t let go. He couldn’t pull me back, but he never let me go until help arrived. The head master wanted to discipline Jake. He had been told by Lyttleton it had been Jake who caused the accident. They were in the process of expelling him. I tried to tell what happened, but no one would listen until I went to my father.
“Father would have none of that. He swept in. He saw to it that I was disciplined for my actions. Nothing ever happened to Lyttleton, but Jake was safe. Jake, he was so proud and brave, never faltered. He never once cried foul. He had done what he considered the honorable thing. He has lived his life in that manner. From that day on, he was my best friend. He hadn’t wanted me to be, but I hounded him until he relented. I admire him greatly. He has always been the man I wanted to be. I wanted to follow him into the army. Father would have none of it. I was his only child.
“Cathryn, I have a great need to talk with Jake. I can’t leave this world as it is between us. I didn’t mean...”
“You’re not going anywhere, Philip. Don’t talk that way,” Cathryn cried. The whole of her body shivered uncontrollably.
“Ssh, Cathryn. You know. I see it in your eyes. You haven’t said anything. See the man you married. I hadn’t the courage to tell you, but clung to your strength. Don’t cry. I have lived a thousand lifetimes with you and will love you now and forever. You must know that.”
“Please, Philip. Don’t. I will nurse you. I have been told...” She turned to him and he cradled her in his shoulder.
“When I began having these weak spells, I went to several doctors. Being the man I thought I was, I couldn’t understand what was happening to me. Pain at times would sear through my body like a torch. Most doctors told me I needed only rest, but something within me told me it was more. With all that surrounded you at the time, I ignored it until I could no longer do so after I returned to London.
“The last doctor, an elderly man, told me he had seen a couple of cases such as mine. The news he gave me wasn’t encouraging. He was honest with me for he said it was only fair and told me if it was what he suspected I hadn’t long to live. He said if there was anything I wanted to do to do it now.
“Up until then, I had pushed back my feelings toward you. As I lay down at night, I saw you. I thought about what he said, although I was still not convinced he was correct in his assumption, but if he was, I wanted only one thing. I couldn’t spend my time with Anne, although that was no fault of hers. I had never been in love with her. It had only been a desire to please my father. God forgive me.
“I’m a selfish man and have grasped desperately for my last happiness. You. You have been my angel, my salvation,” he whispered. He said nothing more but held her until the morning sun rose.
Chapter 11
In all probability, Cathryn had known well before she had sent the note it would have been returned unopened, but she had hoped. In his action, Jake had made clear he had cut off all ties to the two of them.
Since their return to London, Philip’s health had been of the greatest concern. Philip had talked with his father for hours upon end. The Duke hadn’t made an attempt to hide his contempt for Philip’s marriage and bore it only because of the health of his son. But it was Jake that plagued Cathryn, Jake, whom she well understood Philip wanted to see.
She slept little, not that she would have otherwise, but urgency surrounded her. No longer did she have her husband to put his arms around her. How she hated London! What she would have given to go back to Trafford!
She got up and went into Philip’s room. She sat by his bed. He opened his eyes and smiled. Gone was the boyish grin. He lay so pale, listless. Oh, God, she prayed, just a little longer. Let him see his child born. She hadn’t had the time she needed with him. It was too short. She laid her head down upon the edge of the bed. She awoke when she felt his hand caress her head. She couldn’t let everything end this way for Philip.
She bent over and kissed his forehead. Her mind was made up. “Philip,” she said gently, “I have to go out for a little time. I’ll be back. I promise.”
She rushed into her room and quickly pulled the cord. She was already half-dressed before Tacy appeared. “Get Mary up. We have to make a quick errand. Tacy, you have to find Jake’s address quickly and I need the carriage. Please. I know His Grace will never agree, but just do it.”
The carriage clucked down the stone street. It pulled to a stop. Cathryn took a deep breath for she felt faint. Mary held tight to her hand exiting from the carriage.
Cathryn prayed she was at the right address. She had no one to announce her, but she was determined. She knocked on the front door. She waited. The wind blew harder, sending a shiver down her spine. She pulled her hood up as it fell back. She knocked again.
Tears welled up as she thought it had been a fool’s errand, but she made no movement. A minute later, the door finally opened. Cathryn’s nerves had been well played. She walked in past the butler, pulling Mary in behind her.
The ancient gentleman who opened the door looked strangely upon her, glancing behind her at her carriage. She ignored him. “Is Lieutenant Pennington in?”
“Who may I ask is calling?”
“Lady Cathryn Tinsley,” she said. Snow fell off her cloak while she watched the old man slowly walk up the stairs. She waited again. She wasn’t certain what she was going to say. She just prayed she said the right thing.
She looked up when the butler started his descent, in no hurry, as if the world waited upon his movements. Half way down, he shook his head slightly.
“I’m sorry, my lady, but the lieutenant said that he’s indisposed. You will have to come back at another time.”
Cathryn stared at the butler only briefly before she started hurriedly up the stairs, slightly pushing by the old man. “My Lady!” he exclaimed. She paid him no mind. How dare he! She hadn’t come all this way, taking precious time away from her husband, to leave without seeing him. Entering the hall, she had no idea which room he was in, but she was determined to find him. The butler followed as rapidly as he could. Mary had already passed him, standing by Cathryn.
“Which room or I’ll open them all!”
He pointed down the hall to the right. Cathryn didn’t hesitate. She flung the door open before Mary had a chance to stop her. She walked into the ante room.
“Jake!” she called, her anger revealed within her voice. “Jake Pennington!”
The next instance he appeared out his door, pulling over his shirt. From the bedroom, she heard a female’s voice asking who it was. Jake didn’t respond, but slammed the door. Cathryn stared intently at him with an overwhelming feeling of collapsing in tears. Her head swam.
She gripped Mary’s hand.
“Can you not leave me alone, Cathryn? Is your life not dramatic enough that you must cause a stir once more?”
“Do not worry that I’m going to take too much time away from your activity. You can go back to it soon enough. I don’t care. I have only come for one purpose,” she said stoically. “You haven’t opened Philip’s letters he has sent. I know that he’s sent them. I sent one which came back unopened.”
“Obviously, neither of you can get it through your spoilt heads that I don’t want to have anything to do with either of you. If that’s
what you wanted to hear, will that finally stop this persistent annoyance? Go. I don’t ever want to see either of you again.”
“I don’t care what you do next week, next month, but I have come for Philip,” Cathryn retorted. “I have probably made a huge mistake to think that some good could come from this. If you want to wallow within self-pity that is your choice! Don’t let me stop you. If all this is because you believe that Philip betrayed you in some manner, look upon yourself first, Jake.”
“It may be better if you leave,” he said and turned his back with his hand upon his bedroom’s door handle.
“Not before I say what I intend. If you want me to follow you within, keep going,” she replied. “But don’t be concerned, for I’ll leave after I have said what I intend. You have felt betrayed for Philip not giving me a letter, but have you asked yourself if I had seen the note would I have taken you back? In your arrogance, did you never consider what I would have done!”
He turned slowly around. His eyes laid intent upon her. She didn’t relent. “You left me, Jake! You turned your back upon me and left me desolate! Would the letter have taken away what you did to me? Would it have taken back the pain you inflicted all by yourself? It was you that left.
“I was left with no one, my reputation torn to shreds by none of my actions. When Philip returned, I was leaving, Jake, returning to my home. I had nothing to hold me here, but Philip,” she choked out the words. Tears began to flow unheeded. “He did what you could not. He loved me as I was, not as someone he wanted me to be. If you want to be mad, be mad at me. But Philip...”
She paused. Mary handed her a handkerchief. She refused, but took a deep breath in finding it difficult to say. She had never said the inevitable. “But Philip is dying, Jake.”
She clutched Mary tightly. She uttered, “He wants to see you. If you hold to all your anger, it will be too late to ever put it behind you.”
Without another word, she turned and left.
* * * *
Snow continued to fall. Travel back to the townhouse was difficult. Cathryn held her tears back and prayed. She had to get back to Philip. It was out of her hands now. Jake would have to live with it all if he chose not to see his friend.
Every inch of her body ached. She lacked the sleep she needed and Philip would have been so upset with her for she couldn’t remember the last she had eaten...and she was cold. Mary sat beside her, as always, loyal Mary. The carriage stopped. The door opened and abruptly was pushed shut by the wind.
“My lady, take care with the steps,” the footman offered when she exited. The wind pushed against her as she climbed the steps. The footman caught her by the elbow so she wouldn’t slip and fall.
The whole of her body trembled when she entered back within the townhouse. She caught her breath, but was immediately met by the Duke himself. Her heart gave pause. Oh, my God, he has gone and I wasn’t here, she thought. Her hand against her lips, she uttered, “Philip?”
“He has been asking for you! Where the hell have you been? In a snow storm? Have you lost your mind? After all is over, I don’t care what you do. But he has a need for you. How could you do this to him?”
Cathryn fought back the wave of nausea that swept through her. Philip was still alive and her focus was only upon him. She quickly took off her cloak and gloves. “I had an errand, Your Grace.”
“An errand? Wait, Cathryn, your conceit and arrogance about all this will also come to an end.” He grabbed her arm. “If you ever believe I will accept you as a daughter-in-law, if it is your hope, I’ll take care of the situation after all is over.”
She jerked back her arm. She was much too tired and sick for a battle. “Do what you will, Your Grace.”
She turned back to the stairs, leaving him to his thoughts. She quietly entered the dark room, illuminated only with the burning fire. She held her breath. The Duchess looked up, holding her son’s hand.
“He’s sleeping. He’s been worried about you, my dear. With reason from the looks of you,” she said gently. Cathryn fought back tears as she went to Philip’s other side.
“I had an errand I had to take care of,” Cathryn said. Her hand reached over to her husband’s cheek. “How is he?”
“He’ll be fine now you’re back. Let me send for some tea. You need to take care of yourself, Cathryn, or you won’t make it through,” Her Grace replied. “Lie down beside him. I know you haven’t slept much. It may do you good.”
Mary had already foreseen the need for tea and sandwiches. The Duchess sat with Cathryn to make sure she ate. Philip opened his eyes and caught Cathryn’s.
“I’m here my love,” she whispered. “I’m not going to leave again. I promise.”
He seemed content. She laid her head down upon his shoulder and his arm rounded her. She closed her eyes and for the moment found the sleep that had eluded her. With what only seemed a moment, a hand touched her shoulder. Startled, she woke. She looked immediately upon Philip. He was awake, looking upon her with a smile.
“Cathryn,” the Duchess said. “I didn’t mean to wake you, but Philip has a visitor. Jake is here.”
Cathryn almost burst into tears. She glanced up to see Jake standing beside His Grace. She sat up. Philip reached for her hand. “You don’t mind, my love, if I talk with Jake for a moment?”
She shook her head slightly and bent over. She kissed his cheek. “I’ll be only outside the door.”
Her Grace wrapped her arms around Cathryn and led her out the door. She didn’t look over at Jake. He had come and that was enough.
* * * *
The Duke of Eversleigh joined Cathryn and the Duchess of Eversleigh shortly afterwards. They waited. Cathryn didn’t move as the Duchess held her in her arms. Her Grace had a need to hold onto something, herself lost in the shadows of their world that was collapsing down upon them.
In the stillness, Cathryn heard the grandfather clock chime. She sat up. She needed to stretch. The Duke paced. For once in his life, he had no control of anything around him and he took it out upon everyone. His son, his precious son, lay dying.
So the small group waited. The hardest part was they waited without hope, Cathryn thought.
Cathryn wondered what the two were talking about. Would Jake put aside his feelings for Philip to die in peace? Cathryn shook her head. Of course, he would. It was the man he was. A moment later, Jake emerged, silent and forlorn.
Cathryn walked back into Philip’s room. He looked tired, emotionally drained, but content. His breathing was uneasy, and he was grimacing in pain. The Duke rushed in and yelled for the doctor. Cathryn saw though. Everything within her cried out, Don’t! I’m selfish. Don’t stop fighting. He had hung onto the hope of making things right with Jake. It was done.
Desperately, Cathryn clung to Philip’s hand. He was trying to say something, but she couldn’t understand. She leaned up to his lips. He uttered, “I love you.”
It was the last words he spoke. The doctor delayed by the snowfall came at the end. Everyone stood around him. All that he loved in his life was by his side, his father, mother, wife and best friend. The doctor said there was nothing that could have been done. Philip died peacefully in his sleep a few hours later.
* * * *
Cathryn lay in the darkness. She tossed and turned. Her sleep was restless. She closed her eyes and she saw him. She woke and reached to his spot. He wasn’t there. She felt her stomach. She had to take care so she could have his child. He wanted this child. She had to focus upon the babe and not herself. She didn’t have time for self-pity.
She didn’t care what the duke did to her. He couldn’t change the fact that his beloved son had married her. He was going to try. That she knew, but Philip had taken care of everything. That she knew also, and there was the child the Duke didn’t know about yet, only herself and the Duchess.
She had enough money to take care of herself and the child. She would return to Trafford. They had been happy there. She needed nothing more. She had no need for
the Duke. As long as he stayed away from her and her child, she would be happy. She would build a life for the two of them.
Once more, she couldn’t sleep. She walked down the hall to his room. His body still lay within his room. She had paid no mind to the details that had been formulated for his burial, but she knew His Grace wanted his son to be buried in the family mausoleum back at his massive estate, Longwood. She had no issue with such. Philip had talked of taking her there one day, to his home.
She tentatively placed her hand upon the door handle. She turned it slowly and entered. It was dark with only the embers of the fire burning. The curtains were drawn, but she could make out his body lying still within the bed. She walked over to his side. He looked as if he was sleeping. She reached and gently touched his cheek. He looked peaceful, content.
“Thank you,” a voice said from behind her. Startled, she turned her head to see Jake in the shadows. “I told His Grace I would sit with him tonight. It was the least I could do.”
“I should thank you, also. He hung onto the hope of talking with you. I could see in his eyes it had been enough,” she whispered. She turned back to Philip’s body. “He looks so peaceful.”
“I believe he was,” Jake said. “He told me, Cathryn.”
“Told you what?”
“About the child. He was only concerned about you and the child’s welfare. I will hold to his wishes, Cathryn. He asked me to be the godfather. I hope you don’t object because I promised him to do so,” he said. “He was worried about what you will do now. You don’t have any crazy schemes such as returning to Charles Town, do you? You realize that war has broken out. It would be no place for you or the child.”
She sighed and said, “I was just contemplating my actions. I believe I will return to Trafford after the funeral.”
“It will probably be for the best. I will help you if need be,” he said. “I’m to be deployed shortly, though, but I believe I can handle any issues for you.”