"No." Nikki shook her head, smiled a little. "I'd always wanted to have kids someday. Although I didn't expect 'someday' to come so quickly. Even though you'd decided our marriage was over, I wanted…" Her words trailed off as she realized she was saying too much. Revealing something she didn't want him to know.
He resumed the foot massage. "Tell me, Nicole. I want to know what was in your mind, in your heart."
"I wanted your baby," she admitted.
"Why?"
"Because I loved you."
His eyes, tinged with regret and remorse, met hers, and his grip on her foot tightened. "Did you hate me for not being there?"
She didn't want to be any less than completely honest with him now, hoping that maybe he'd understand what she'd been going through when she'd given birth to their child so many years before. "Sometimes. But mostly I was grateful."
He frowned. "Grateful that I wasn't there?"
"No," she said quickly. "Grateful to you, for giving me Carly. She's the best thing that we ever did. She's the best part of both of us."
She smiled wistfully, lost for a moment in her thoughts. "There were so many times over the years that I wanted to call you, things I wanted to share. When Carly cut her first tooth, when she took her first steps, when she went to her first day of junior kindergarten."
"I've missed so much." He sounded wistful.
"You also missed dirty diapers and 3:00 a.m. feedings," she reminded him.
He nodded. "I'm not so sure about the diapers, but I would gladly have shared in the sleepless nights to have had my baby fall asleep in my arms even once."
Nikki's eyes filled with tears. "I am sorry."
"What are we going to do now?" He'd finished the massage but still held her feet in his lap, his fingertips skimming lazily up one calf.
"I thought we'd agreed to take things one day at a time."
He nodded.
"Are you getting bored already?"
"I'm not bored," he said patiently.
"Then what is this about?"
"Us."
She shifted to tuck her feet beneath her under the skirt of her dress, trying to put some space between them. The sofa hadn't seemed so small when she'd first sat down. "There is no 'us.'"
"You don't believe that," he chided.
"I do." She lifted her chin.
Colin shook his head and slid across the cushion until his thigh was against her knee. "You have to know that saying something like that is only a challenge for me to prove you wrong."
"No." She put up her hand to ward off his advance.
"If you're convinced that our relationship is over, why do you tremble when I touch you?"
He trailed a fingertip slowly along the swell of her bottom lip, and her involuntary response confirmed his statement. She swatted his hand away. "It's a basic physiological reaction."
His lips curved. "So, according to your explanation, you'd react the same way to anyone touching you?"
Her eyes narrowed, but she said nothing.
"When I kiss you," he continued undeterred, leaning closer to her, "is it the same as any other man kissing you?"
How had they gotten sidetracked on to such things? She needed to direct the conversation back to more neutral territory, but she didn't have any idea how to do that when she was already thinking about the incredible sensations his kisses evoked.
"I don't make comparisons," she said.
"I do," Colin said unapologetically, as he slid one hand up her thigh to cup her hip.
"That's the difference between you and me."
He smiled again, and every bone in her body turned to jelly. Damn him!
"There are plenty of differences between you and me," he drawled. "That's what makes things so interesting. But you missed my point."
"I wasn't sure you had one."
"I did," he assured her. "I was talking about kissing."
His gaze dropped to her lips, lingered there. She felt her breath catch in her throat.
"No other woman I've ever kissed has turned me inside out the way you do. No other woman has haunted me the way you do. So I find it hard to believe you when you say that one kiss is the same as another."
"I don't care what you believe," Nikki said. She was trying for cool disdain, but her words came out sounding strangely breathless.
"Well, I thought we might try a little test."
She didn't need to ask what kind of test he had in mind. She could read the intent in his eyes. He wasn't even trying to mask the hunger that glinted in those green depths, and she knew he could probably see the answering yearning in her own eyes. But she'd learned a long time ago that desires could be curbed, impulses controlled. All she needed was a little willpower.
He leaned a fraction of an inch closer, and the scent of him clogged her senses.
Okay, so what she needed was a lot of willpower.
"No," she said firmly.
He smiled. "No what?"
No what? She had no idea. Her mind had gone completely blank and she couldn't think of anything but how much she wanted him to kiss her.
He shifted closer, reached his other arm across her to the arm of the sofa, effectively boxing her in.
"I saw you on the porch," he admitted. "Saying goodnight to my brother."
"You were spying on me?"
"I saw him kiss you." He dipped his head toward her. "Has he ever kissed you—" his mouth brushed against hers, briefly, fleetingly "—like this?"
Then his lips were on hers, moving softly, slowly, seductively.
Nikki felt her eyes drift shut even as her mind instinctively responded. No, Shaun had never kissed her like this. No one else had ever kissed her like this. No one else had ever made her feel the things Colin made her feel.
She felt his arms come around her, draw her closer. This wasn't supposed to be happening, she thought, even as she opened her mouth to the searching thrust of his tongue. But she was helpless to pull away from him, helpless to do anything but kiss him back.
As if of their own volition, her arms wound around his neck. She felt her heart pounding in her chest, matching the rhythm of his. It was as if they were connected—all heartache and deception forgotten. There was no past, no history, no regrets. Only here and now, and a desire that spiraled higher and higher, threatening to escalate out of control.
When he finally ended the kiss, she clung to him, unable to do anything else. She felt empty now, aching with need.
"Look at me, Nicole." Colin's voice was soft but insistent, and she reluctantly raised her eyes. She wasn't sure how it had happened, but somehow she'd ended up in his lap, his arms strong around her. And it felt so right to be there. "Now tell me that you felt the same way when you kissed my brother as you felt just now in my arms."
"I can't," she admitted.
"I fought it for a long time," he said. "This connection between us. I didn't want to admit it was there, that it was anything special. But it is, and it's endured for the more than five years we've been apart. Don't you think that should tell us something?"
His words were even more seductive than his kisses, because he was telling her what she wanted to hear. She'd always believed there was a connection between them—a reason she'd fallen so completely in love with him. A reason she'd continued to love him long after he'd broken her heart.
But that was a lifetime ago—Carly's lifetime, to be precise. She wasn't going to fall for his smooth-talking lines this time. She wasn't going to open up her heart and risk that devastation again.
"It tells me that we shouldn't be kissing."
"I like kissing you," Colin said. "And I think you like kissing me."
"That's not the point."
"It should be," he said. "What's the point of doing something if you don't enjoy it?"
"Colin, please." She climbed out of his lap, took a few steps away. She needed space—to settle, to breathe, to think. "Let's not make this any more complicated than it has to be."
"You'r
e Carly's mother, I'm her father. It seems pretty simple to me."
She turned back to him, crossed her arms over her breasts. "I want us to get along, for Carly's sake. But I don't want anything more than that."
"I don't believe you don't want me," Colin said, rising from the sofa. "When I kissed you—"
"There was a time when I loved you more than anything," Nikki told him. "I was devastated when you walked out. I won't set myself up for the same heartache again."
"It would be different this time—"
"No." Her voice was firm, decisive. "It's late, Colin. I think you should go." But he made no move toward the door. "I want a second chance for us, Nicole."
Chapter 9
Nikki turned away from him. "I'm not going to be your crutch again, Colin. I can't."
He frowned. "What are you talking about?"
"We met when your career ended. You were at loose ends, not knowing what you would do with the rest of your life. I filled a void for you—for a while. As soon as you got the chance to get back in the arena, you bailed on me and the future you'd claimed you wanted."
"Is that what you think?"
She met his gaze evenly. "That's what happened."
"It's not like that this time."
"Isn't it?"
"No," he denied vehemently. "In fact, I've applied for a job at the new cable station in town."
She moved toward the table and picked up his glass of wine. His kiss had already proved that he was far more dangerous to her system than any amount of alcohol. "You're kidding."
He shook his head. "I go for my screen test Monday."
"What are you going to do with Carly?"
"I'll take her with me."
His quick response surprised her. He was used to doing what he wanted, when he wanted. She'd assumed, obviously incorrectly, that he'd forgotten or overlooked his responsibilities with respect to their daughter.
"What kind of job?"
"Sports commentator."
"Do you really want to give up coaching?"
"I really want to be with you and Carly," he told her.
It was an honest response, if not quite the one she was hoping for.
"How much time is it going to take to prove that I'm here to stay?"
"More than a week."
Colin's lips thinned. "How long?"
"I don't know."
His eyes narrowed. "I made a mistake, Nic. Are you going to make me pay for it for the rest of my life?"
"I'm not trying to punish you."
"It sure as hell feels that way."
"I'm just protecting myself. And my daughter."
"Our daughter."
She flushed. "Our daughter."
"I'm not going to walk out on Carly." He took the glass of wine from her and set it back on the table, then linked his hands with hers. "And I'm not going to walk out on you."
"Don't make me any promises," she said wearily.
"I want Carly to have a family."
"I've already said that I won't interfere with your relationship with her."
Colin shook his head. "That's not good enough. I want a chance for all of us to be a family."
She just couldn't do it. She couldn't wipe the slate clean and start over. Even if she wanted to, she wasn't sure it would be possible. And she knew for certain it wouldn't be smart.
She'd welcomed Colin into Carly's life because she hadn't had any other choice—he was her father. But there was no reason she had to let him into her own, and there were a million reasons why she shouldn't. Not the least of which was the vulnerability of her heart.
"Don't you think our daughter deserves the chance to be part of a real family?"
Of course she did, and he knew that she would do anything for Carly. But she couldn't give him what he was asking for.
"All I want is for you to spend some time with me—just the two of us—and time with me and Carly—as a family."
"I don't know if I can."
"I'm not asking for a commitment, just a chance."
"We had our chance five years ago."
"And you're still holding that failure against me."
"No." She sighed wearily. "After I had some time to think about it, I wasn't surprised that our marriage hadn't worked. We didn't know each other well enough to make that kind of commitment."
Colin frowned. "What are you talking about?"
"We got married after dating three months."
"We knew each other almost a year before that."
"We met a year before that," she clarified. "But we didn't exchange ten words unless it was to talk about your therapy."
When she'd first met Colin, it had been easy to think of him as just another hotshot jock. Although she knew his injury had ended his playing career, she also knew he'd made more money in that last season than she could hope to make in a lifetime, so it was difficult to feel a lot of sympathy.
She'd turned him down the first time he'd asked her out—and at least a dozen times after that. His persistence eventually wore down her resistance, though, and when she went out with him that first night, she knew she'd misjudged him. When he'd talked to her about hockey, she'd realized it wasn't just a game to him—or a job. It was his life.
She couldn't help but admire and respect that kind of passion. It might have been luck that he was born with talent, but he'd been smart enough to know what to do with that talent, and courageous enough to pursue his dream.
And that very first night, she'd started to fall in love. She'd given him her heart, freely and completely, believing the love they shared would last forever. She'd been wrong.
"Do you think things would have turned out differently if I'd stayed in Fairweather?" he asked.
She shook her head. "I never wanted you to stay. I wanted you to take me with you."
Colin paused a moment, surprised. "Are you saying that you would have gone to Texas with me?"
"I would have gone to the ends of the earth with you."
"Then give us another chance, Nic."
"We couldn't make it work before," she reminded him. "What makes you think it would be any different now?"
"Because I know now that I'll never feel about anyone else the way I feel about you."
She shook her head again, unwilling to be swayed by his words.
"Do you really expect me to believe that it's over between us? God, Nikki. Every time I kiss you … I don't even know how to describe what I feel. It's never been like that for me, not with anyone else."
"Maybe you haven't let it," she said softly. Just as she hadn't let it. She'd been holding on to the memories of Colin so tightly that she'd never allowed herself to open up to another man. It was the only explanation she could think of for five years of self-imposed celibacy. She refused to believe that she'd never been intimate with anyone else because she'd never stopped loving her ex-husband.
He scowled. "Do you think I haven't tried to forget you? Do you think I haven't wished that I could just get on with my life? Well, I have.
"For years I've been telling myself that whatever we had was over, but I was wrong. You're not a part of my past, Nic. You're a part of me. And my life isn't complete without you."
And with those words, her weakened resolve completely collapsed.
"Come on," he said, somehow sensing his advantage. "It's a beautiful night, the sky's full of stars. Why don't we take a walk?"
It was a beautiful night. A night made for romance. A night that could only encourage her to throw logic out the window and follow the perilous yearnings of her heart. She needed to hold on to the logic, tightly, with both hands.
"It's after midnight," she pointed out. "I'm not wandering the streets at this time of night."
"Let's sit on the porch, then." His voice was low, almost irresistible.
"It's been a long day, Colin. I just want to go to bed."
"That's jumping ahead a few steps, but that's okay with me, too," he teased.
Nikki shook her he
ad, but she was helpless to prevent the smile that curved her lips. "Alone."
"Now that doesn't sound like nearly as much fun."
"I need some time, Colin. I need to think, and I can't do that when you're around." When he was near, all she wanted was to say yes—to whatever he wanted. Wherever. Whenever. Preferably hot and naked.
He sighed. "If I let you go, will you be thinking about me?"
"Probably," she admitted, not sounding the least bit happy about it.
"Let me give you something else to think about."
He laid his palm on the doorjamb beside her shoulder and leaned toward her. His body was mere inches from hers, close enough that she could feel the heat radiating from him.
"I'm going to kiss you good-night, Nicole."
Those were the same words he'd whispered at the end of their first date, so many years ago. He hadn't asked. He hadn't given her a chance to refuse. Not that she would have, anyway. She'd been intrigued, infatuated, halfway in love by the end of that first night, and she'd wanted him to kiss her. She'd wanted to feel his lips on hers, his hands on her body.
Of course, she'd had no idea that one kiss would be the start of the most intense and exciting love she'd ever experienced in her life, or that the most brutal and heart-wrenching devastation would follow. Now she knew how fragile her heart was, how dangerous her passion for Colin was, and she had even more reason not to get involved. She had to think about her daughter. She had to be smart. She had to be responsible.
She moistened her lips with the tip of her tongue, saw his eyes darken as they zeroed in on the subconscious motion. Before she could blink, before she could be smart and responsible, he'd breached the few inches that separated his mouth from hers.
Nikki's breath caught in her throat and her whole body seemed to melt. She was grateful for the solidity of the door behind her back, without the support of which she was sure she'd melt at his feet. It wasn't fair that he could make her respond this way with just a simple kiss.
And it was a simple kiss. He wasn't touching her at all except with his lips, but, oh, how he was touching her with his lips. They moved over hers, strong and firm, gentle yet insistent.
Oh God. Three more seconds of this and she'd be pulling him up the stairs to her bedroom, mindless of Carly and Arden and everyone and everything else.
Extreme Measures Page 11