by Kylie Chan
I had a horrible thought. ‘Will you change when you have your snake back?’
‘No, of course not,’ he said. ‘I am unchanging.’
He concentrated, and the Tiger appeared next to me in the other visitor’s chair. He saluted us both casually without a word.
‘Ah Bai.’ John leaned his elbow on the desk. ‘Do remember back to when I lost the Serpent?’
‘I remember,’ the Tiger said, and his eyes turned inwards. ‘That was a tough time for all of us. No idea what brought that on.’ He snapped back. ‘It was about 1975. He just completely disappeared for about six months. And then he came back as if nothing had happened at all. The first time he took True Form afterwards, he seemed the most surprised of all of us that the snake was gone.’
‘Was I different when I had the Serpent? To how I am now?’ John said.
The Tiger studied him appraisingly for a while. He appeared to be thinking about it. Then, ‘Yeah,’ he said with a grin. ‘Come to think of it, you were different.’
John frowned. ‘No, I wasn’t. I was exactly the same person.’
‘Nah.’ The Tiger’s grin widened. He shook his head and raised his hand. ‘You’ve changed. Be interesting to see what happens when you have that Snake thing back.’ He realised what he’d said. ‘By the Heavens, Emma, I’m sorry. Don’t worry, he’ll still be the same person.’
My blood ran cold. ‘How different was he?’
The Tiger turned back to John. John glared under his brows at him, obviously irritated.
‘He was much more yang, but that’s understandable,’ the Tiger said. ‘Much brighter, much harder, much more…I dunno…’ He shook his head. ‘I’m sorry, my Lord, there’s no other way to put this. He was much more of a bastard.’
‘Oh, thank you very much,’ John said, leaning back and glowering.
‘Why is it understandable that he would be more yang?’ I said.
‘Suppose it wouldn’t hurt you to know, Emma, you’ll be spending most of your time with this thing, you’d better be aware of the strange nature of its essence,’ the Tiger said.
‘He’s not a thing!’ I said, horrified.
‘Yes, I am,’ John said equably. ‘Because I encapsulate both essences in one creature. Two creatures.’
‘Essences? Turtle and Serpent?’
‘Yang and yin,’ the Tiger said. ‘You know?’
‘I know,’ I said. ‘Yang is bright, hard, life, light, metal, hot, male.’ I gestured towards the Tiger. ‘You are extremely yang.’ He nodded and grinned. I thought about yin. ‘Yin is soft, dark, death, black, water, cold, female,’ and I gasped. I looked at John. He was all of those things, except for the female. He nodded. I hadn’t thought of it that way.
‘How female are you?’ I said with horror. This was something about him—and something about myself— that I wasn’t really sure I wanted to look at too closely.
The Tiger chuckled. ‘Ever done it, Ah Wu?’ he said slyly. ‘I know I have.’
I stared at the Tiger, aghast. ‘You’ve turned yourself into a chick?’
The Tiger nodded, and his grin widened. ‘We choose the form we take. Gender is part of the form. For us, gender is completely optional. Humans seem to have a great deal of attachment to gender, and often seem to find change in gender threatening. No idea why; most of us Shen can’t understand this preoccupation. The Phoenix’s human form used to spend most of its time male, now it spends most of its time female, and won’t tell anyone why.’
‘The Tiger will go to any length to get the girl, sometimes,’ John said, his voice a low rumble.
I collapsed forward over my knees, laughing silently. I could believe it. I looked up at the Tiger. You guy. Living every hot-blooded guy’s dream. I shook my head. Even as a chick, he would still have been a full-blooded male. This was so weird, and here I was handling it perfectly.
I crossed my arms over my knees and leaned on them. I glanced up at John. He watched me placidly. Gender was completely optional.
‘Is the Turtle female?’ I said softly.
‘That question doesn’t really apply to our True Forms, Emma,’ he said. ‘We are essence.’
‘But he’s always male in True Form,’ I said, leaning back and pointing at the Tiger. ‘Extremely male.’
‘You noticed,’ the Tiger said, grinning evilly.
‘Bit hard to miss,’ I shot back, ‘you’re a shocking exhibitionist.’
The Tiger just shrugged, the grin not shifting.
‘The Bai Hu’s essence is yang,’ John said. ‘Extremely yang, even though he is the Lesser Yang. Of course his True Form is male.’
‘But your essence is yin,’ I said. ‘Female.’
‘I encapsulate both essences, Emma,’ John said. ‘Yang and yin. I am two creatures. The Turtle is yin. The Serpent is yang. The essence of the Xuan Wu, combined, is yin. I am the ultimate yin creature: I am dark, cold, water, winter, death. But my human form has always been male.’
‘He’s right, Emma,’ the Tiger said. ‘He’s always been male in human form, despite his yin nature, his dual nature.’
‘No wonder everybody keeps saying you’re a very strange creature, Xuan Wu,’ I said softly with wonder. ‘They’re right.’
‘Both essences, combined into yin. Two creatures, combined into one. His colour is black, his number is one, his direction is North, and he is Master of the Arts of War. And in human form, he has always been male,’ the Tiger said softly. ‘With perfect alignment.’
‘Okay. So you’re a very yin guy, but still a guy,’ I said.
John nodded. ‘And you’re a very yang woman, but still a woman. Think about it. Aren’t you?’
I mentally stepped back and studied myself. ‘I suppose I am,’ I said. ‘But I’m still one hundred per cent female, all the way through. I’ve never thought of myself any other way.’ I hesitated. ‘That explains our compatibility, I suppose. Yang and yin.’
I had a sudden brilliant, wonderful thought.
‘Could I be your Serpent?’ I said quietly with delight.
He wasn’t surprised at all.
‘You thought that too,’ I said. ‘You’ve thought that for a long time.’
He shrugged. ‘We don’t need words.’ ‘No, we don’t.’
‘I’m not sure I’d want that, Emma,’ he said. ‘Because if you were my Serpent, then when we joined, I would lose you. You would be absorbed into me and no longer exist as a separate entity; you would become part of the Dark Lord, you would become part of me.’
‘I can’t imagine anything that I want more in the whole world.’
‘But we have loved, we have shared our minds and our bodies. If you were my Serpent, we would have rejoined. I have often wondered, but it’s not really possible.’
‘Damn,’ I said softly.
‘Not possible at all,’ the Tiger cut in from where he was sitting, completely forgotten by both of us. ‘Because the Serpent’s been found. That’s probably why he brought it up, he’s somehow subconsciously aware of it. I was on my way to tell him anyway.’
‘I brought it up,’ I said, but neither of them heard me.
‘Where is it?’ John said, excited. He leapt to his feet, full of energy. ‘I must go to it. It would be good to be whole again.’
‘You would lose everything, Ah Wu, you forget yourself,’ the Tiger said. ‘It is better that it stays where it is.’
John rubbed his hands over his face and grimaced. ‘You’re right.’
‘Where is it?’ I said. ‘What’s it doing?’
‘It is at the bottom of the Mariana Trench,’ the Tiger said, his face expressionless. ‘It is hiding in the deepest reaches of the ocean. It sleeps at the bottom of the darkest seas.’
‘Who found it?’ John said.
‘The Lady,’ the Tiger whispered. ‘She heard its cries.’
‘It cries?’ I said, my heart breaking.
John’s face was expressionless.
‘Can you hear it, Ah Wu?’ the Tiger said
gently.
‘No,’ John said, his face still expressionless. He stalked out without saying a word.
‘Is anyone holding it there, Tiger?’ I said. Maybe someone had imprisoned it.
‘No,’ the Tiger said softly, his face a mask of misery. ‘I think. I think…’ He looked down. ‘I think that the Serpent may have forgotten what it is, who it is. It only knows that it is missing…’ He hesitated. ‘It is missing half of itself. It cries for its lost half.’ He looked me straight in the eye. ‘So does he.’
‘You know what?’ My throat thickened. ‘Even if he were to be a different person, and no longer loved me, I think it would be worth it to have him whole.’
‘It is very hard to see him like this, Emma,’ the Tiger said, looking down. He looked back up at me. ‘Remind me to give you a gold coin.’ He shook his hands in front of his miserable face. ‘By your leave.’
I nodded and he disappeared.
I knew what John was doing. He was in one of the training rooms, doing sword katas until he dropped from exhaustion.
I went back to my spreadsheets. Suddenly I wished that I was his Serpent and that he could have absorbed me completely. It would be worth it to have him whole, and Leo healed, even if it meant that I would no longer exist.
CHAPTER FORTY
Later that evening somebody tapped on my bedroom door.
‘I’ll never finish this if you keep interrupting me!’ I shouted at the door. ‘Emma, it’s me.’
‘Come on in, Rhonda,’ I said. ‘Sorry about that. They keep banging on the door. Everything okay with Michael?’
Rhonda came in and sat on my couch, across from where I was sitting at the desk. ‘Tell me about this kid. Na Zha.’
I sighed. ‘You don’t know about him? There was a TV series on the Cantonese channel about him not long ago.’
‘He’s an Immortal?’
‘Yes. One of the biggest,’ I said.
‘But he looks like a teenager.’
‘I know,’ I said. ‘John says his essence is that of a youth.’
‘I’m not sure I want Michael hanging around with him,’ Rhonda said, concerned. ‘What’s his history?’
‘Very long. Very old. He’s really powerful. When he was only seven years old he killed a Dragon Prince, one of the sons of the Dragon King himself, for no better reason than he could do it. He’s always been a chronic troublemaker. He’s supposed to have grown up, but I don’t think he ever will.’
‘Is Michael safe with him?’ Rhonda said. ‘There are demons after him all the time. And the other guys, the triads.’
‘That’s the problem,’ I said. ‘Na Zha is the best demon killer on the Celestial short of Xuan Wu himself, and that’s saying a lot. Michael is actually safer with him than he is with John right now, as John is so weak.’
‘They haven’t been up to anything together, have they?’
‘Not as far as I know,’ I said. ‘Na Zha promises to behave when he’s with Michael. They get on really well, they’ve become very good friends. Surprisingly enough, they seem to have a lot in common. John has absolutely no problem with him. It drives me nuts. I personally don’t like him very much, he’s very insolent to me.’
‘Okay. I suppose I’ll just let you guys keep an eye on him then.’
Rhonda didn’t move off the couch.
‘Something else?’ I said.
She put her head in her hands.
I went to the couch and sat next to her. I put my arm around her.
‘I don’t know what to do, Emma, I’m so torn,’ she said.
‘What?’
She glanced desperately at me. ‘I really do love that stupid man.’
‘Oh God, Rhonda,’ I said. ‘You know we saw you in Paris.’
‘He just whisked me away. He gave me the excuse it was to see Michael, but we never did. He’s so romantic, you know? He’s so warm, and considerate, and wonderful…’
‘And has a hundred wives.’
‘I know,’ she moaned. ‘That’s what makes his offer so damn hard.’ ‘Offer?’
‘He says he wants to Raise me and take me as Empress of the West.’
‘Holy shit,’ I said softly. ‘He’ll give up the others for you?’
‘No. I’ll be Empress in the old-fashioned sense. The traditional sense. You know?’
‘Yeah. I know. You’d be in charge of the palace and the women. That’s the traditional role of the Empress.’
‘Will you be like that?’ she said.
‘No. We’ve talked about that. Xuan Wu’s not like that. His nature is different.’
‘That’s the problem,’ she said. ‘It’s his nature. How can I stop him from being what he is?’
‘Oh God, Rhonda, he’d Raise you. And you are so worthy.’
‘What would you do?’ she whispered.
‘For a while I thought that might be my role,’ I said, ‘until I asked John about it. He said no, for him there was just one. Always, just one. If it hadn’t been that way I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t share him.’
We sat together silently for a while.
‘Talk to Kwan Yin,’ I said. ‘She won’t tell you what to do. But she will help out.’
‘You can call her for me?’
‘I’ll ask John to call her for you.’
‘Thanks, Emma.’
‘Come on.’ I rose and held out my hand to her. ‘I know exactly where you need to go.’
John was in his office. We both sat across the desk from him, miserable.
‘You need to tidy up in here, Emma,’ Rhonda said.
‘Rhonda’s right. What’s the problem, ladies?’ John said.
‘The Tiger has asked me to be Empress of the West,’ Rhonda said.
John leaned back and didn’t say anything.
‘He’s offered to Raise her and make her his consort,’ I said.
‘He’s never done anything like that before,’ John said. ‘He’s never accepted a woman as his equal, and that’s what he’s doing with you. Remarkable.’
‘Give her a gold coin,’ I said.
Rhonda glanced at me.
I shrugged. ‘Private joke.’
‘I’m the first one?’ Rhonda said softly.
‘Yes.’ John leaned forward over the desk and retied his hair. ‘What are you going to do? Will you take him up on it?’
‘I don’t know,’ Rhonda whispered.
‘I think she should talk to Kwan Yin,’ I said.
‘Good idea,’ John said. ‘Wait.’ He stopped and concentrated. His eyes unfocused.
Kwan Yin appeared behind him. She smiled sadly. She came around the desk to us and held out her hand. ‘Come with me.’
Rhonda took Kwan Yin’s hand and they disappeared.
‘What do you think, Emma?’ John said. ‘You think she’ll do it?’
‘I think she will, love,’ I said.
‘Did you tell her what you would do in the same situation?’ he said.
I folded my arms on the desk and dropped my head onto them. ‘I lied.’
His voice was full of quiet humour. ‘You said you wouldn’t share me.’
I nodded into my arms.
I heard a soft sound and looked up. He watched me with amusement. In front of me on the desk was a gold coin.
I took the coin, rose without saying anything, and went out.
My viva was in late November. The office of the university was only two blocks away from the Hennessy Road building, which was a convenient stroke of luck for me—until I remembered that there is no such thing as coincidence.
I took the lift to the second-floor offices. The university was an English one that ran distance MBA programs in Hong Kong. They occupied half of the second floor with offices and some teaching areas. Most of the study I had done had been by correspondence, but I had occasionally met with other students doing the program or talked to staff in the meeting rooms.
Just remember, John said into my ear, making me jump, the piece of paper is the least
important thing about this. You have already gained the knowledge. Unless you are planning to resign as Lady Regent of the House of the North in the near future and take a job outside, the piece of paper is unnecessary.
I smiled. That’s what he thought. The piece of paper would give me some closure; and I’d know for sure that the work I did was good enough.
I smiled at the receptionist and she nodded. No words passed between us; she knew what I was there for. I sat down to wait, uncomfortable in my new suit and clutching the slim leather briefcase that John had presented to me that morning.
Kitty Kwok would be thrilled: I finally had that suit. I wondered where she was. She had been released on bail and had promptly disappeared. John had suggested that she may have gone to Hell. It was where she belonged.
I felt a flash of concern as I thought about April. She hadn’t reappeared. Her mother in Australia didn’t know where she was, but wasn’t at all worried. Apparently Andy said that April was fine, and that was enough for everybody. Andy was a Triad member too—April had told me that herself. He had been in on it from the start. I quietly wondered if he was a demon. I hadn’t seen him since I’d been able to pick demons, but I’d always had a bad feeling about him. And if Andy was a demon in league with Simon Wong, then April’s baby would be half demon too.
I’d asked John about it and he’d said it was possible. Half demon, half Shen, the results would be similar. The child could be pure human, pure demon, or something in between.
And there was absolutely nothing I could do about