by Tina Lee
Her mother took her to the park a lot. Amy figured that her mom needed time away from dad and she tagged her along. When Amy was playing with the other neighborhood kids, her mother would go behind a tree and smoke a cigarette. Amy always pretended that she didn’t see her.
When her parents arrived at the apartment, the house had been cleaned in every corner, the refrigerator stacked, and the house smelled of lemon. Amy’s mother wiped her finger on the counter top and inspected it. It was clean.
“Hey hunny,” Sharon hugged her daughter tight. “We missed you.”
Her father took off his glasses and went in for a big hug. “How is my girl doing?” he kissed on the forehead. She had blossomed into a beautiful young woman. She wasn’t his little girl anymore.
“I’m great.” She always said that even if it wasn’t true. They had already sacrificed so much, she didn’t want to burden them with her problems.
“Where is your roommate?” Sharon asked while she inspected the television and bookshelf. It made Amy uncomfortable. It seemed like it was only a matter of time before her mother found something to argue about.
“She’s working at the moment.”
“And what about you? No summer work?”
Here we go, Amy thought. “No.” The easiest way to get Amy angry was to compare her to other people, and Sharon knew that.
“Ready for your final year?” Joe asked.
Amy was already tired of the questions they were sending left and right. “Yeah, I will be.”
Sharon walked into her room and Amy rolled her eyes. Any second now, Amy was expecting her mother to comment on something. “Those curtains are ghastly,” Sharon shouted from Amy’s room.
“Well, mom. I like the ghastly curtain.”
“Amy, let us go buy you some better curtains. I don’t know how you look at this every day.”
“It’s fine, mom.” Amy and her dad shared a glance, he understood all too well what Amy was feeling.
“Don’t let her get to you,” Joe said softly.
Amy noticed a cigarette box inside Sharon’s bag. It was disappointing to know that her mother was still smoking. By the time Amy had reached high school, Sharon didn’t bother to hide when she smoked. She would sit on the porch and smoke in the mornings before showering and heading to work, and in the nights after she came from work. Whenever Amy was around she would tell her, “Don’t ever smoke, you hear me? It’s bad for you.” Amy only wished she took her own advice. Amy always wondered why she would continue to smoke knowing it was bad for her health. Adults were strange beings, she thought. Now that she was grown, she understood that it was her mother’s means of escaping the life that she had. Maybe she didn’t want a child and a marriage. Maybe the marriage was the result of the child. Amy was just speculating and never had the courage to confront her mother about it, too afraid that truth might break her own heart.
She didn’t want her mother to be unhappy but Sharon seemed to carry the aura of bad energy with her everywhere, thick as the smoke she exhaled. All she ever wanted to do was please her, and she always seem to come up short.
Joe helped himself to a beer that Amy had in the refrigerator and sat beside Amy who was deep in thought.
“You know what we did to stop you from crying in the wee hours in the morning?” Joe asked.
“What?”
“You used to drive us insane in the nights. You would wake up two or three times bawling. Your mom and I had to take turns trying to get you to sleep so we could get some rest for work. So one night you started crying and I dragged my butt out of bed. I was really tired, and I had to wake up in the next two hours. I held you in my arms and walked around the room and you were still so fussy. I tried making funny faces, but that only made it worse. Warmed a bottle for you but you weren’t hungry. It was when I accidentally kicked a rattle toy that you stopped. So I got the toy and started shaking it. You looked up at it and you were so mesmerized.” Joe laughed. “So we tied the rattle toy into your crib and you would play with it until you fall asleep.”
“Did I really?” Amy laughed.
“We slept better ever since.” Joe smiled.
Sharon walked into the living room and grabbed her bag. “Let’s all get something to eat. I can’t spend another second looking at these curtains.”
The family took a seat in Olive garden and instead of further grilling Amy on why she should get a tazer, Sharon chose to speak on brighter topics. It was her anniversary, nineteen years, a feat few ever reach. It had been awhile since they all were having dinner together. A feeling she had missed since Amy went away. One day Amy was a toddler playing with the sprinkler in the backyard, and then the next day she was packing her bags and leaving for college. The aging of her child was inevitable but amazing nonetheless. To know that the grown woman in front of her was once a 7 pound human being in her arms not so long ago.
“I’m proud of you,” Sharon said.
Midway of eating her pasta, Amy froze, looking at her mother and wondering if she had said it by mistake.
“I am proud of you, Amy. You seem to be doing well on your own.”
“I’m also proud of the woman you’ve become,” her father said. “I think we don’t say it as often as we should.”
“Thank you,” Amy said from her quivering lips. She grabbed the napkin from the table and dried her eyes. She had waited a long time to hear those words, and she couldn’t have known how powerful they would be. She sobbed in her palms. Sharon pulled her chair beside her and patted her back like how she used to console her as a child.
After lunch, her parents said their goodbye and went off to see the museum. They seemed to be getting along, at least for now. Amy used to peek on her parents from upstairs as they sat and watched the tonight show. Sharon would always be the one to fall asleep and Joe would have to carry her to bed. The tonight show was their time of ceasefire; a moment of peace for everyone.
When Amy got back to her apartment there was a man standing at her door. A man she hadn’t seen in months. She stepped closer, wondering if her eyes were deceiving her.
“David?”
Chapter 12
“H
ey Amy,”
David said.
His blond hair was long and tucked behind his ears. He was tanned and slimmer. He gazed into her eyes and Amy felt immediately like crying. David was a beautiful man. So damn beautiful.
She had not heard his voice in months. It was music to her ears.
She stepped closer, wanting to hug him but quickly changed her mind. “Why are you here?”
He made a half smile. “I returned from Africa yesterday. I just wanted to say hi.”
“You were in Africa?”
“Yeah. After the break-up, I felt like just doing something. So I signed up as a volunteer for the build a home mission, and since then I have been building small houses and digging wells in Botswana.”
“They don’t have phones in Botswana? You could have called.”
“I left everything behind. I had a small phone for emergency but other than that, I haven’t been in contact with anyone.”
“Why?”
“I felt sick of this place. You were the only reason I had to stay here. And when we broke up, I quickly realized that there was nothing here for me.”
She wanted to hate him but couldn’t. She loved him still, even after six months and not a word from him. She couldn’t stay angry due to the fact that he was helping people in another continent. He should have called, yet she understood him completely when he said that there was nothing left here for him. That was exactly how she felt in her hometown.
All the memories of him came pouring and Amy couldn’t handle it.
“I missed you, Amy.”
“Don’t. Don’t say that.” The tears were coming and she did not want him to see her in a moment of weakness. “I have to go.”
“Have coffee with me.”
I can’t. I’m busy.”
“Whenever
you’re free. I’m only a call away.”
“Okay.” She bid him Au revoir and closed the door behind her. She sat on the floor inside the kitchen and cried a river. She loved David with all her heart, and now that he was back, it would only confuse her. They broke up for a reason, yet she couldn’t pinpoint exactly what that reason was. The relationship was left with many questions and no solutions.
Why did he have to return? she thought, but subconsciously she had been awaiting his return all along. That was why his picture was still on her mirror. It would stare at her every morning and she would wish silently that one day she would see him again. That time had come, and it had left her in a wreck, despite all her efforts to overcome his lure.
Amy ran herself a bath and poured a glass of wine. With every sip, she thought of the life she had once lived. Her happiest memories were with him and thus it was easy to blow life into her dead hopes. It was foolish to think of him after he disappeared for six months, this was true, however, she also blamed herself for not calling in the last six months
Hi Amy, his voice repeated in her mind. She closed her eyes and pictured his tanned face and long hair and blue eyes.
“Amy!” Brenda was home.
“In the bath!”
“You’re in the bath? I’m guessing it was a long day.” Brenda came by the bathroom door. “You okay?”
“Guess who paid me a visit?”
“Your parents?”
“Well yeah—but I’ll tell you about that another time.” She sighed. “David was waiting for me at the door today.”
Brenda scoffed. “What does that jerk want.”
“To say hi. He claimed he was in Botswana building homes for the last six months.”
Brenda stepped in and sat on the rim of the bathtub. “You believe him?”
“I don’t know what to believe.”
“This doesn’t change anything, right? I mean, you two broke-up. That’s it. Life goes on. “
Amy didn’t answer, and that made Brenda angry. “Don’t do anything stupid. Don’t go down that road again.”
“He invited me out for coffee.”
“Please tell me you said no.”
“Didn’t say yes and didn’t say no. “
“That’s even worse. You’re leaving room for him to try and force his way in.”
“Relax. All he came to say was hi. That’s all.”
Brenda saw that her friend wanted to be left alone. “All I’m saying is Luke seems to be a great guy. I wouldn’t want you to mess a good thing.” Brenda left the bathroom to Amy and her thoughts.
Brenda cooked but Amy didn’t have much of an appetite. She also rejected Brenda’s invitation to watch Dancing with the Stars together. She texted Luke to let him know she would not be in the gym tonight. Amy was neither hungry nor sleepy. She wasn’t much of anything.
In the middle of staring at the ceiling fan spin, Amy grabbed her phone and called David. Amy went into her closet and stooped, ashamed of what Brenda might say if she heard her speaking to David.
“Hey…it’s me. How about tomorrow? Great.”
The next morning Amy joined David for coffee after Brenda had left for work. She didn’t like keeping things from her best friend. It was an awful feeling. Brenda was always frank when it came to expressing how she felt.
Within minutes of David’s storytelling, her smile peeked through her cold face. David knew how to make her smile. It was his specialty. He then dived into his personal battles while he was in a land with so little. It humbled him to see people struggle to survive, and he returned home with a newfound appreciation for all that he had.
Amy didn’t know how much of it was true but she never took David for a liar. He was many things, but not a liar. David was a good storyteller, much like her father. She ordered a bagel and listened to more of David’s stories, like the one where he got a bad cut on his shoulder while diving in a river with sharp rocks. He showed Amy the scar and she winced. She wanted to smack him on the head for being so reckless.
“I got a new tattoo too.” He lifted his shirt and displayed the small Botswana flag he had tattooed on his left breast.
“You’re crazy, you know that?”
“I know, and I love it.” He winked at her.
Her heart was beating fast. It could have been the coffee or the passion in David’s eyes. After hearing all of his stories, her life felt dull and static. Her year had been uneventful except for meeting Luke.
“I haven’t been to a concert in so long. I’m ready to unwind and drink and get lit.” David reminisced about all the epic concerts he had been to before he left for Botswana.
“The last time I went to a concert was with you,” Amy admitted.
“Really? What have you been doing since I’ve been gone?”
Missing you. “Just school, really. And I recently started learning how to surf.”
David laughed. “That’s gnarly. I should have taught you how to surf. I was a lame boyfriend.”
“No, you weren’t. You were everything but lame.” Amy's cheeks stretched to its limit. “You were a lot of fun. The most fun I’ve ever had in my life.”
His smile slowly disappeared. “I’m sorry things ended that way.”
“It was for the best, right?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know,” he said. “I keep telling myself that our break-up was for the best so I wouldn’t have to admit that maybe I had made a mistake.”
There was a pang in Amy’s stomach. She could relate perfectly to what he said. The shot of adrenaline now in her bloodstream cause her hands to shake, though not noticeably. She rolled her hands into a fist to control the shaking.
“You feel the same way, don’t you?” David asked. “Yeah, I know you do. “
“It doesn’t matter now. What is done is done.”
“I used to think that way too until I met the bravest and hardworking people in Botswana. They won’t accept the fate that is bestowed upon them. You just gotta grab the bull by the fucking horns and let it bow to your will. As long as you keep fighting, what’s done is never done.”
David’s eyes were wild like a man who had truly seen the things he had said. It had Amy thinking, maybe David was right and they were allowed to take as many chances as we want. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Their relationship had fallen into muddy waters the last time, but what about now, or the future? It could be better with time. In time, she could have her Rome.
Later that night she took out her frustration in the gym. David was the only person on her mind since she had left the coffee shop in the morning. Amy ran on the treadmill to sweat out the guilt of seeing him.
When Luke came to the gym he was surprised to see Amy there before him. It had never happened before. In fact, in many cases, it was Luke who had to drag Amy out of her apartment. Immediately he could sense that something was up with her. She ran the treadmill like someone running away from something. “What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Nothing. I’m fine,” Amy answered without taking the time to look at him. She kept her face forward and ran and ran and ran.
Luke decided not to press her any further. He trusted that when she was ready to talk then she would come to him. He had been in her shoes before. Sometimes people need to be alone with their thoughts. He went to the other end of the gym and lifted weights.
Amy had promised to see David again this week. They were going to attend a Lil Cheese concert. A new and upcoming rapper that all parents hated and all the millennials loved. She was undoubtedly excited. If only there was no guilt to ruin the excitement. Amy betrayed Luke and Brenda by seeing David. There were no rules against having coffee with friends, but she knew David wasn’t just a friend. And although she technically wasn’t in a relationship with Luke, entertaining other men felt like the wrong thing to do.
Amy left the gym and said only Goodnight to Luke. When she got back to her apartment, Brenda was sitting on the couch waiting for her.
The moment their eyes
met, Amy said, “You know.”
Brenda nodded. “How could you?”
“How did you know?” Amy asked.
“He came by while you were at the gym and dropped this off.” Brenda held up the concert ticket. “You’re going out with him now?”
“It’s just a concert.”
“We both know it’s not just a concert.” The disappointment on Brenda’s face was enough to bring tears to Amy’s eyes. “He left you for months on months and now just shows up and you’re going out with him?”
“I already told you. He was—”
“I don’t care what he was doing in Africa. Amy, you have something good going on with Luke. Why—”
“It’s not the same, okay? I was in love with David. Maybe I still am.”
“You know what’s going to happen if you get back with him? The same thing that always happens; you two will fight like you always do then you’ll bring the toxic behavior here where it will affect us.”
Amy had heard enough. “What do you want me to do, Brenda? Cut the only man I’ve ever loved out of my life? It’s not so easy.”
“I understand what you’re feeling but he’s no good for you.”
“How could you understand? You have never been in love!” Amy stormed into the bathroom and slammed the door shut.
The next day they said not a word to each other. The apartment that was full of life and singing on a typical Sunday morning was dead silent. No loud radio. No delicious breakfast. No laughing. Just tension.
Chapter 13
T he Lil Cheese
concert was everything Amy thought it would be. Together, David and Amy jumped to the beat and waved their hands in the air. She didn’t realize how much she missed going to concerts until she was there, sweating, dancing, a little bit drunk and lost in melodic trance. There was nothing else on her mind than the music. A state of complete happiness.