50
Max
AGGI’S DAD CLUTCHES GRACE IN his arms and mumbles words like “sorry,” “forgive,” “love,” and “precious.” He sniffs and chokes on his own snot and apologies. It angers me to see him with Grace. She’s a kid. Kids forgive. Doesn’t mean they should. He’s talking to Grace about how he’s messed everything up, how he’s sorry and wants to make it better somehow. He offers promises but no solutions. Grace is shaking her head like she won’t believe him. She demands the same solutions we all need. Tangible results that will make her feel wanted, secure, and loved.
It took coaxing to get Grace out of the den, but Aggi crawled inside the covering and called for me, and the three of us huddled like a goddamn family of beavers. I told Gracie she was like a sister to me, and she climbed onto my lap and squeezed my neck. I told her I needed a sister. “I lost my brother, Gracie. And you lost Kate. Maybe we can be brother and sister now?” Grace grabbed my face with her sticky marshmallow fingers and squished my cheeks, her big eyes searching mine until they locked onto something familiar, something she could trust.
“Promise me we’ll stick together,” she said. “You and Aggi, too.”
I promised. Never will I split from the person I love because of someone else’s anger. Aggi’s dad hasn’t spoken to me, and I’m taking his silence as an unspoken agreement that he has no say in my life or in Aggi’s. But an apology would feel better.
Henry meets me at the back of the twins’ truck as everyone stands around waiting for Grace and her father to climb down from the den. His brothers walk by and pat Henry’s shoulder.
“What the hell happened?” I ask Henry, eyeballing the twins as they climb into the cab of the pickup.
Henry shrugs and kicks the ground. “Guess I took my own advice. Told them they deserved better. We all do. Just because my grandpa taught my dad to settle his scores by punching people didn’t mean they had to. I said, ‘Look at Max and Cal. They were best friends.’ I told them I wanted brothers like that.” Henry clears his throat. “They laughed at me, as they do, but they listened when I said, ‘If I really wanted to, you know I could kick your asses blindfolded and hog-tied. . . .’”
Dad walks over and wraps his arm around me. “Excuse me, Henry—I’d like to talk to Max for a minute.”
As soon as I turn toward Dad, he says, “I’m sorry.”
We pause and I nod. “It’s okay.”
“You’re amazing, Maxwell. Always quick to forgive.” He glances at his feet, kicks his toe in the sticks. “We’re going to get through this, Max. I promise. Things will be different.”
“How, Dad?” I need more than a promise. Promises break. They shatter, and the pieces are impossible to find.
Dad lifts my chin. “I’m not exactly sure how. But I’m going to figure it out. Me and your mom.” Dad draws me close, and I hug him back. His arms have been lifeless for months, too weak to lift or wrap around me, but when he squeezes my back, he feels like the strongest man I’ve ever known.
A throat clears, and my dad looks up and slides his hands off my back. Mr. Frank nods as Aggi walks beside me and snakes her arm around my waist. She stares at her dad, and he won’t drop her gaze. I hold my breath, unsure if I should jump away from Aggi and dart behind Dad or stand with my feet planted, unwilling to move. A part of me has already dived into the lake again, but this time to get away from the towering tree in front of me. Mr. Frank swallows and glances at the ground. When he looks up again, he nods, and I know it’s safe to wrap my arms around Aggi. I’ve wanted to hug her since we left the barn. Tell her how much I’ve missed her, how much I love her.
The emotions grow too intense, and I’m not sure how to process any of them. Minutes ago I was in a beaver den eating a fluffernutter sandwich with Aggi and telling Grace I’d look out for her like a big brother. Earlier, I was in the barn with Aggi, aching to love her. And at the beginning and end of this night, I jumped into a lake out of fear and love. My chest constricts, and I bend over, hands on my knees. I’m going to pass out. Aggi steps back, and my dad wraps his arm around me.
“I need to get him home,” Dad says, and Mr. Frank suddenly jumps into action.
“To the boat!” Mr. Frank shouts, picking up Grace and setting her on one of the seats. He grabs a life vest and snaps it around her chest. Aggi’s mom holds out a hand and helps me into the boat.
Aggi climbs on board, and I try to scoot over so she can sit next to me, but I’m lifeless on the bench. The only strength I have holds my head halfway up, and as soon as the boat pulls away from the dock, I slump onto my side and stare blankly at the black sky until we reach the other side of the lake.
Cal. Kate. Grace. Aggi.
Two gone. Two nearly lost from my life forever.
“Hey,” Aggi whispers, kneeling beside me. “You okay?”
I make a noise, but I’d hardly call it a word. Aggi twists a strand of hair around her hand, leans forward, and says, “You’re always there. Even when you’re not supposed to be.”
I smile, and she brushes my bangs.
“This hell we’ve been going through isn’t just going to make us stronger. It’s going to make us better.”
I reach for Aggi’s hand, and my arm flops to my side out of sheer exhaustion. Maybe she’s right, but now I have no strength left in my body.
“Easy,” she whispers into my ear, and every cell in my body ignites.
When we pull up alongside the dock, Dr. Nelson and my mom walk toward us from the house. My mom must have called her. Aggi’s dad ties up the boat with the help of my father. The two don’t speak, but their teamwork does. Grace heads for the dock, high-fiving me on the way. Aggi’s mom and Dr. Nelson hug, as she thanks her for coming. They both turn to embrace Grace, and she hesitates, uncertain whom to run to first.
Dr. Nelson folds her hands and takes a step back, and Aggi’s mom shouts, “Gracie girl! Come here, honey!” That’s all Grace needs to hear to dive into her mother’s arms.
“Let me help you, son,” Mr. Frank says, extending a hand. Aggi swats it away and says, “He’s fine, Dad.” Then she reaches out and pulls me to my feet.
“Max.” Aggi’s dad. A slight scowl, but his eyes are soft.
Aggi cuts in front of me. “Dad.” A full scowl and piercing eyes.
Mr. Frank nods. My dad glances in our direction.
“Thank you, Maxwell. Aggi said you rescued Grace from the lake tonight. Twice now, I think.”
I slow-nod. No words. You’re welcome doesn’t seem fitting.
“I’ve messed up,” Mr. Frank says, and I’m unsure if he’s still talking to me or to Aggi. “I hurt your dad, your mom, you. I made a lot of choices that didn’t help anyone. Not sure if any of you will ever forgive me.”
Both our moms are watching, and my dad turns to them and smiles. So many sad eyes, tearstained cheeks. Everyone worn from a year of heartache. To survive even one more day, we’re going to need help. Every single one of us.
I look at Mr. Frank’s face, his eyes watery with grief and something else, something deeper than I can comprehend. I’ve listened to his anger for a year. I’ve sat on my front porch and heard his shouts at his wife, at Aggi, at Grace. Why did he get to unleash his feelings while I kept mine stuffed somewhere inside me? So many times I wanted to storm his porch, pound my fist on the door, and shout at him to stop. So many times I made it to the driveway, then recoiled in fear.
I step forward and squeeze my fingers into fists. “I don’t know about the rest of us, but I’m not sure if I can forgive you. At least not right now.” My dad approaches, and I hold my palm up. He stops.
Mr. Frank nods, and I continue. “You hurt Aggi, Grace, both our families. Why? You were like a dad to me. I looked up to you.” My whole body trembles. “We all lost someone we loved, but you managed to make the loss even worse.”
Aggi moves beside me but not to interrupt. She demands answers, too. And when she shakes her head, her eyes full of disappointment, Mr. Frank wipes hi
s eyes and says, “I’ve been a real asshole, and I’m sorry.”
51
Aggi
Six weeks later
WE MEET AT THE CEMETERY. Both families. Mom and Dad, Max’s parents. Grace rides on Dad’s back, clutching and squeezing his neck until his face turns the shade of Mom’s lipstick.
“It’s by the tree. Right?” Grace asks Max as we pass our parents and head for the grassy hill and magnolia tree.
Max slides his fingers into mine, and we take the lead. We’re not in a hurry, but Max’s strides speed up as if he needs to get where we are going before anyone else.
Dr. Nelson and her new boyfriend, Dr. Hart, straggle behind. They’re wearing matching headbands because they have the same poufy, unruly hair. I’m already picturing their kids, or at least a daughter like Merida from the movie Brave. Dr. Nelson is here because my mom asked her to follow us back to the house after we leave the cemetery. Mom wants Dr. Nelson there when we move out of the house. Everyone’s smiling now—even Mom and Dad—but when we return home, voices will hush and mouths will straighten. It might be serious for a while, but I’m ready. I can handle it.
Dad and Mom are taking a break from each other, from their marriage, from their lives together. “Maybe temporary, maybe permanent,” Mom said. “Time to figure things out,” Dad said. “We’ll meet for lunch after our Friday counseling sessions,” Mom shared as if a promise, “and we will keep moving forward. Change isn’t always permanent, you know. At least it doesn’t have to be.”
Mom and I are moving in with Dr. Nelson, at least for a couple of months. Grace, too, but Grace was already living there, so it’s not as much of a move for her as it is for me. I won’t be living next door to Max anymore. I’ll be miles away, living a block from the college. Two blocks from Henry’s girlfriend, Jen. She’s promised to introduce me to her college friends, and I’ve promised to experience something new.
Our house goes on the market in a month. Paperwork has slowed the process, but for now, that’s the plan. We’re waiting for the final stamp telling us the lawsuit has been officially dropped. Max’s dad was the first to tear up the paperwork and chuck it into the fire pit at the barn. My dad followed. They both held the papers over the pit and watched them go from orange to black to gray. I worry about our dads. I’m not sure they’ll ever go back to being the best buds they once were.
Mom says she won’t outstay her welcome at Dr. Nelson’s, but Dr. Nelson’s welcome mat looks something like this: ∞. The love she has for my mom, for Grace, and me also forms a similar shape.
The thought of leaving Max and the place I grew up in hurts. But we both believe the change will benefit everyone. Last year crushed us and left us both angry yet clinging to love. It’s strange how anger and love oppose each other but sometimes work together to navigate you through the tough times.
The road to change isn’t always straight, though—it’s curvy and narrow and full of speed humps and bumps and bottom-out-your-car potholes. And sometimes in the middle of the journey, when everything around you is a muddled mess, the clearing at the end of the road is hard to see. Sometimes, only footsteps from your face, through broken branches and piles of leaves, there’s an exit leading you out of the darkest forest and near the glassy lake. The clearing—full of sunshine and hope and bright light—might burn your eyes at first, but after they adjust, you’ll see the beauty that surrounds you and the pain will subside.
“There it is,” Max says, and squeezes my hand before releasing and wrapping his arm around me. I tuck my arm around Max’s waist, and we guide each other toward the tree.
Mom places a bundle of purple flowers beside Kate’s headstone, and as soon as she backs away, everyone moves forward to drop off their flowers, too. Max’s mom and dad hold hands while his mother places a dozen roses at Cal’s plot next to Kate’s. Dr. Nelson tucks a bouquet of colorful daisies into the flower mount, and Dr. Hart lays his bundle of lilies to the side. Jen joins Henry as Umé steps up behind me and places her warm hand on my shoulder like she did at my sister’s funeral, like she’s always done. I drop my weight against her, and Umé combs my hair with her fingers.
We didn’t have the money to move Kate’s body next to Cal’s, but since the headstone hadn’t been placed or even made yet, Dr. Nelson took action. She set up a fund at the college, and Dr. Hart was the first to donate. It’s how the two met. Jen helped rally friends and professors to contribute to the fund to help move Kate’s casket and have her buried next to Cal. They would have wanted it that way.
Since We Last Spoke
Lyrics by Kate Frank for Cal Granger
Do they know how much I miss you?
Can they understand what I feel?
Sympathy so unreasonable
The pain all too real
When I’m alone and broken in two
Crying over the hurt from losing you
There’s still so much I want to say
But I’m missing you in that way
Since we last spoke and you said we were stars
You played full of love and I sang with my heart
Best friends in this life and in the next
If I’d only known our steps
I want you to know I’m sorry
I need you to know I cared
So much has been ripped from us
And I’m swallowed by despair
Since we last spoke and you said you loved me
Did you mean it like that?
I have questions I need answered
And I’ll never have you back
Since we last spoke I have much to say
I love you
Always and forever in that way
52
Aggi
One year later
“I DON’T GIVE TWO FLYING fucks if you won the bet!” Umé shouts. “I am not crawling naked into a boat in the middle of winter!”
I’m in the canoe and technically not naked. Bra and underwear intact, I’m pushing myself out from the bank, my body wrapped in toilet paper, chin close to a full shiver as the breeze blows and snow speckles my back.
“When you lose a bet, you pay the piper!” Henry shouts from the shore.
Poor Jen, shaking her head at Henry’s words. “Henry! You call yourself a good friend!”
“For God’s sake, Aggi, please be careful!” Max yells, pulling at his hair and pointing at Umé. “You lose and make your friend take the heat?”
Umé laughs. “Aggi wanted to. Insisted, even!”
The canoe drifts from the bank, and I stand up, careful to balance my weight in the middle and not tip the boat. The last thing we need is Max tearing off his boots and hat and diving into icy water again.
It feels good to be back on the lake with my friends. Grace running up and down the shore chasing Pawtrick Swayze, giggling when he loops around her legs and sends her sliding into the snow. “Come here, you beast!” she shouts, and Pawtrick barks, his big floppy ears sweeping across patches of snow.
Max’s parents invite Grace and me out on Fridays, or at least they did, when Mom and Dad met for counseling and lunches, and even though my parents only go to therapy once a month now, Grace and I still drive to the lake on weekends to spend time with our friends.
Max and I see each other almost every day. We’ve been sorting through our feelings, and if we don’t see each other, we talk on the phone or send five million messages via text. We’re both taking a year off from school, a gap year, but without pre-admittance to college. We’re figuring out our lives. Filling the gap year we never intended to take from each other.
Max and Henry plan to get an apartment together. Well, Henry planned to move in with Jen five minutes after they had sex, but Max convinced him to slow things down a bit. “Like you and Aggi?” Henry mocked. I guess Max and I have taken our own sweet time, but tonight I plan to change that.
“Jesus George R. R. Martin Christ!” Umé shouts. “I don’t approve of you not wearing a life jacket! Now say it b
efore your boobs freeze and drop from your chest!”
I cup my hands around my mouth. It’s as easy this time as it was the last. “I love you, Maxwell Granger! As much as you love yourself!”
Author’s Note
THIS BOOK, THOUGH A WORK of fiction, was inspired by a year of grieving the loss of someone close. Research had equipped me with the many steps and stages of grief, but nothing quite prepares one for living through it.
One in five children will experience the death of someone close to them by the age of eighteen. In the United States alone, five to eight percent of children with siblings experience the impact of losing one. The grief that follows can be overwhelming.
If you, or someone you know, needs help coping with the loss of a loved one, you are not alone. Free, safe, and confidential support is available. For individuals under the age of eighteen, contact TeenLine at 1-800-TLC-TEEN, text TEEN to 839863, or visit www.teenline.org. For individuals over the age of eighteen, contact the Compassionate Friends at 1-877-969-0010 or visit www.compassionatefriends.org.
Suicide-prevention lifelines are also available for you or someone close to you. Please don’t wait to seek help. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline provides 24/7, free, and confidential support for anyone in distress. Contact the Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or reach them online at www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.
Lastly, the prevalence of sibling abuse and bullying should never be ignored. According to data, sibling abuse is one of the most common forms of bullying. If you, or someone you know, is experiencing mental, physical, or sexual abuse, contact the National Child Abuse hotline at 1-800-422-4453 or www.childhelp.org/hotline.
Acknowledgments
FIRST OF ALL, THANK YOU to the many readers I’ve had the privilege of meeting in person and online. You are the best part of this journey.
To Melissa Edwards at Stonesong Literary Agency for her continued support and dedication to this book. She took a chance on me, and for that I am forever grateful.
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