Maybe she was right and we should talk to Grams.
I didn’t want to leave.
“I’m going to my room to call Jessie. Set up Mario Kart, we’ll play when I get back, I promise.”
I did what she said and played a couple games alone while I waited for her. But she didn’t come back. I don’t know when I fell to sleep, but I woke up to thunder.
The clock on the VCR flashed 12:00. The power must have gone off and on. But it felt later than midnight. I went downstairs, feeling my way down the narrow staircase to the second-floor landing. The house was very quiet. It smelled like it always did after a party, of stale smoke over stinky food and drink. Rachel’s light was off. I opened her door. Her night-light shined on her bed. It was empty. She must have snuck out without me. Went to Jessie’s without telling me. I started crying. I didn’t want to be alone.
I crawled into my sister’s messy bed, missing her and mad at her for leaving me.
It wasn’t until six days later that the police found Rachel. She was dead. But in my heart, I think I’d known from the beginning.
CHAPTER THREE
FBI Academy, Quantico
“Kincaid!”
Lucy entered the gym with two minutes to spare. Her conversation with her criminal psychology instructor, Supervisory Special Agent Tony Presidio, had taken longer than she’d thought, but she made it on time.
“Yes, sir,” Lucy said, pulling up at the end of the row of new agents from Class 12-14.
“Five pull-ups.”
“I’m not late, sir.” Lucy spoke automatically but immediately realized she should have kept her mouth shut.
Tom Harden stared at her, his expression unreadable. He wasn’t an agent but had been an Army Ranger with extensive experience in physical training. He looked every bit a recently retired drill sergeant, with close-cropped hair and a rock-hard body. He’d run New Agent Physical Training for the last three years. He was only five foot nine, an inch taller than Lucy, and stared without blinking.
“Make it ten, Kincaid,” he said. “You were the last one out by more than five minutes. No need to pretty yourself for a workout, sweetheart.”
Lucy almost argued with him. She wanted to. But she understood the psychology behind the FBI’s New Agent Training program. One of the primary tests—a test they began the moment they set foot on campus—was a stress test. How well did the new agents handle stress? How well did they perform under fire? Could they both take orders and think independently?
She’d prove she could handle stress as well as anyone. Sometimes, she thought her entire life had been one big stress test.
Lucy walked over to the pull-up bar and grabbed it.
She expected Harden to order her fellow agents to start their warm-up run; instead, he turned and watched her, which meant everyone else also stared.
She broke out in a sweat.
Please, please, please, start the drill. Don’t look at me.
Lucy’s phobia manifested and her arms began to shake. She hated being watched. It wasn’t hate; it was fear. Cold, dark, crushing fear that made her want to run. Fear that made her head ache, fear that made every hair on her body rise as she felt the eyes of her friends on her.
She’d been doing so well these last three weeks. No exercises were solo, most were in groups or she had a partner, and even when her team was watching she managed to talk herself out of the panic born from her kidnapping and rape seven years ago. She had convinced herself that her fellow new agents were observing the drill as a whole, or her partner, but never watching only her. When she thought of herself as part of a unit she successfully battled her phobia. It worked during their first PT test on day two at the Academy, and it had worked every day since. It had been nearly two months since her last real panic attack.
Not here.
Harden said, “That was a half-ass pull-up. You’re still on two, Kincaid.”
Bastard.
Did he know about her fears? Of course he did—it must be in her file. Nothing was secret from the FBI. Her file was probably thicker than anyone else’s here.
Stress management. If she couldn’t control this phobia, she was going to lose everything she’d worked for.
She closed her eyes, but that made it worse because even though she couldn’t see anyone the pricks of their eyes on her skin made her squirm. She felt them, a sixth sense that she’d successfully used as a self-defense skill but that she couldn’t control. She hung from the bar, her muscles pulling at her, tense not from the pull-ups but from the panic. Locked up so tight that she wasn’t able to pull herself up, she wasn’t able to stop shaking.
“Three, Kincaid,” Harden counted. “No one is doing anything until you’re done.”
Lucy opened her eyes and stared at him. There was something in his flat expression—hope? Did he want her to fail? To embarrass her? To remind her that she had been a victim?
She pulled herself up again. Four.
I am not a victim.
Her arms burned because she’d hung too long, but she was going to make it if she killed herself. She would not fail, and damn if she was going to let a cocky, authoritative instructor make her feel like a failure—or, worse, a victim. She wasn’t a victim, and she wasn’t going to let anyone make her feel victimized.
Lucy felt her shields rebuilding as she pulled her chin over the bar. It was almost as if the last eight months hadn’t happened, that she hadn’t learned to be almost normal. If she was going to survive the FBI Academy, she’d have to regain her distance, her detachment, bury her emotions again. Failure wasn’t an option—she was going to survive, she was going to be an agent, and if she had to be cold and unemotional she would be.
Five.
Everyone here had stories. Not hers, but the eleven trainees who’d served in the military had faced life and death. Different, but no less soul-searching than her own past.
Margo had joined the Army right out of high school. She’d been a poor kid from New York with a drunk for a mom and no hope for the future. The Army gave Margo a future.
Six.
“Your nose didn’t even top the bar,” Harden said. “You may be a decent runner, but are you going to run away from danger, or face it? Let’s see a real six.”
Bastard.
Six.
The Army had given Margo her college education. She’d wanted to be a cop but she’d been recruited into the FBI when she was a twenty-seven-year-old college senior. Lucy felt closer to her than anyone else—and not just because they shared a bathroom.
She and Margo had fallen into a small, dedicated group of new agents—two other military veterans, a paramedic, a prosecutor, a detective, a linguist, and an accountant. The accountant, Reva Penrose, was a math teacher with a Ph.D. in accounting. Reva was Margo’s opposite. Petite, feisty, a bundle of energy. Growing up in rural Texas, Reva had been raised with guns and had aced her first firearms test. But while she was a whiz on the range, she’d gotten the minimum acceptable score on the PT test.
Seven.
Focusing on her friends and thinking about them gave Lucy the ability to handle the eyes on her. She’d never forget they were there, that the other thirty-three agents in Class 12-14, and Harden, and the field counselors were all staring at her.
But she could overcome it.
Eight.
Her shell was growing again. Guilt flooded through her. All the time her boyfriend, Sean, had spent helping her be as normal as possible, after three weeks and one punishment it was gone.
Nine.
A sense of loss filled her. She had almost been one of the group, just another new agent among many. But no one else here had these fears, this overwhelming sense of panic. While everyone had baggage, hers still weighed her down. Without a hard shell, she wasn’t going to survive the stress of training.
She only hoped she could find a balance between putting up the barrier and having friends.
Ten.
She dropped down, hoping everyone in
the room thought the sweat coating her skin was from her exertion and not the simmering panic attack.
But she’d won. This time, she’d battled and won.
She stared at Harden. His expression was unreadable.
He turned his back to her and looked at the assembled group. “Twenty laps. Go.” He didn’t look at Lucy but said, “That means you, too, Kincaid.”
She caught up with Reva, kept to her slower pace, but felt better being in the middle of the pack instead of leading or trailing. Her sister-in-law Kate, who’d worked as the cybercrimes instructor at Quantico for years, had told her to blend in as much as possible. Do well, but keep her head down, don’t stand out. Somehow, no matter how much she wanted to be just like everyone else, she’d never been good at keeping a low profile.
Lucy was on her third lap when the new-agent class supervisor, SSA Paula Kean, stepped into the gym and approached Harden. As Lucy passed Kean and Harden, Harden said, “Kincaid, SSA Kean needs you for the rest of the class. I’ll expect you to make up the laps tonight.”
“Yes, sir.” She grabbed her towel from her gym bag and put it around her sweating neck, then followed Kean out of the gym.
They walked down the hall toward Kean’s office. The senior agent was in her forties, tall and thin, with shoulder-length brown hair. She wore little makeup except for shiny lip gloss. “Do you know Special Agent Suzanne Madeaux?” she asked.
“Yes, ma’am. She’s out of New York.”
“She’s on the phone for you about a homicide.”
“In New York?”
“She said she had to speak with you immediately, didn’t give me any details.” Kean sounded irritated, but Lucy couldn’t tell if it was because of the interruption or the lack of information.
When Sean’s seventeen-year-old cousin Kirsten Benton went missing last February, Lucy had helped him track her to New York, where they landed in the middle of a serial killer investigation led by Suzanne Madeaux. Lucy had talked to Suzanne a couple of times since but always related to the Cinderella Strangler investigation, statements, and paperwork.
Lucy sat in the chair across from Kean’s desk. The supervisor sat down and surprised Lucy by putting Suzanne on speaker.
“Agent Madeaux?… Paula Kean here. I pulled New Agent Kincaid out of class; she’s here in my office.”
“Am I on speaker?”
“Yes. I’m Kincaid’s class supervisor; unless there’s a reason this needs to remain confidential, I’ll be in the loop.”
“Understood,” Suzanne said. “Lucy?”
“Hi, Suzanne.”
“I’ll cut to the chase. Have you been contacted by a true crime writer, Rosemary Weber? She’s writing a book about the Cinderella Strangler case.”
Lucy’s chest tightened. She remembered the conversation she’d had with Weber, and it wasn’t one of her finer moments. She’d never told anyone to go to Hell before.
“Yes. It was the Friday before I reported here.”
“What did she call about?”
“The Cinderella Strangler investigation. She told me you were cooperating.”
When Weber said that Suzanne had already talked to her Lucy had been at first stunned, then angry, then deeply sad.
“She said that? No way was I cooperating.”
Lucy thought back to the conversation. “She strongly implied it. I assumed that’s where she got my name.”
“I guarantee, Lucy, I did not give her your name. I met with her as directed by my boss and listened to her proposal, but offered no information.”
Lucy was both relieved and upset with herself for being manipulated by Weber. “I should have called you. But I didn’t tell her anything about the case.”
Kean interrupted. “Agent Madeaux, what was so urgent that you couldn’t speak with Kincaid later?”
“She’s been murdered. Last night, in Queens.”
Weber had been killed? Before Lucy could ask any questions, Suzanne continued.
“NYPD thinks there may be a connection between whatever project Weber was working on and her death. I’m creating a time line, and because Kincaid’s name was in her notes, I needed to know if and when she spoke to her. Lucy, what was she fishing for?”
“She wanted to interview me about my involvement with the case. I said I had no involvement, and that’s when she said she’d been talking to you and NYPD.”
“I wish you’d called me.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t,” Lucy said. “She was very pushy. I cut her off, and eventually had to hang up on her. I blocked her calls after that.”
“Did Sean talk to her?”
“He didn’t tell me if he did.” She didn’t think so—Lucy had told him about the conversation; he would have said something to her.
Kean said, “Kincaid, as Agent Madeaux knows, special agents are not allowed to speak to reporters of any stripe without prior permission from a superior. You should have reported the conversation to me when you arrived.”
Before Lucy could comment Suzanne said, “Weber has published three books, all related to federal investigations, and there are interviews with multiple agents in her files. There’s a few at Quantico now, and I’ll be contacting them if the investigation seems to be pointing at her work as a motivation for the killer.”
Kean reapplied her lip gloss, though she didn’t need it. “I suggest then that you speak to Assistant Director Hans Vigo, our liaison with national headquarters.”
Suzanne said, “The doc got a promotion? Cool.”
Lucy smiled, reminded that Suzanne was both smart and outspoken. After a rocky beginning, Lucy had grown to like the seasoned agent and secretly hoped they could work together in the future. Lucy was relieved that Suzanne hadn’t discussed her, professionally or personally, with the reporter.
Kean cleared her throat and gave Lucy a disapproving look.
“Do you need anything else from me?” Lucy asked Suzanne over the speaker.
“I’ll let you know if I do. Ciao.” She hung up.
Kean said, “Don’t let Agent Madeaux’s investigation cloud your focus, Kincaid.”
“I won’t, ma’am. May I go back to PT?”
Kean nodded. Lucy left, confused by why her supervisor had wanted to listen to—and participate in the conversation. But Lucy dismissed the unease, more concerned about what else Rosemary Weber was researching—and if her files on Lucy went further back than February.
CHAPTER FOUR
Lucy sulked in her room after her shower. Between the humiliation of the pull-ups and the call from Suzanne about Lucy’s name being part of the Rosemary Weber murder investigation, she thought she was entitled to a bout of self-concern. She’d been so preoccupied with the events of the day that she’d performed poorly on the PT drill after she’d returned from Suzanne’s call. It went from bad to worse when Lucy noticed both SSA Kean and field counselor Special Agent Laughlin had observed her failure.
“Agent Kean was watching everyone,” she mumbled to herself. That was the class supervisor’s job, to assess all new agents from day one through graduation. More than ten percent of new agents at Quantico dropped out or were expelled for a variety of reasons. The odds were with Lucy to make it, but because of the difficulty in getting here in the first place she had to be better than everyone else.
But Laughlin was a different problem. Every new-agent class was assigned two field counselors—mentors—not only to observe but also help the new agents with their studies, questions, and any concerns. From the beginning, Lucy had felt uneasy around Laughlin and suspected he disliked her. Which was silly because they’d never met, he’d never specifically said anything to her, and she couldn’t think of a reason he would have an issue with her. That he had been watching her so closely made her doubly nervous.
But she wanted to talk to Sean about Rosemary Weber; unfortunately, he was on a commercial flight from Sacramento and wouldn’t be landing until late tonight. Lucy considered calling Hans Vigo but immediately dismissed
that idea. Now that Assistant Director Vigo was liaison between Quantico and headquarters, she didn’t want to use her connections for information.
She tried Suzanne, wanting to talk to her without the ear of Kean, but she didn’t answer her phone. Running out of options of who she could talk to, Lucy wondered if Kate was still on campus. Her sister-in-law was the cybercrimes instructor at Quantico and one of the few people Lucy trusted.
Lucy called Margo and told her she’d meet up with her and the others at the cafeteria, then went to find Kate. She crossed the campus to the Classroom Building, where Kate’s long, narrow office had more computer equipment than airspace. Lucy knocked but didn’t wait for an answer before opening the door.
Lucy came face-to-face with the back of a broad-shouldered man, standing right in front of Kate’s desk. Kate was facing him, the backs of her thighs against the edge. She was saying through clenched teeth, “I’m not going to forget.” Kate’s eyes widened when she saw Lucy, and she sidestepped the man in front of her. Her mouth was a tight, thin line. “Lucy.”
Lucy processed what she’d walked into. While she hadn’t seen them in a compromising position, it was obvious that Kate knew the man standing much too close to her—and knew him well.
“Excuse me.” Lucy’s voice was quiet; she was surprised she could say anything at all.
The man turned. Reva had called Special Agent Rich Laughlin “Mr. Tall, Dark, and Handsome,” but Lucy didn’t see it. Right now all she saw in his pale eyes was hatred.
“Kincaid.” Irritation laced his voice.
Her skin crawled, and she considered that Kate’s meeting might not have been friendly. She was actually relieved, because for a brief moment she’d thought the worst—that Kate was cheating on Dillon. Of course that wasn’t the case, and that Lucy had even thought it for a second made her feel guilty.
She straightened. “Sorry, sir.”
“You should wait for a response before entering a room,” Kate snapped. “What is it?”
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