I needed a drink. I hated romantic comedies. No matter how honest they tried to be, they were still just a story. I watched the same imperfect beginning end with the same perfect ending in other movies time and time again. It was boring, predictable, and old. It never happened that way in real life. And when it did, there was still a ton of shit that had to be worked through.
And they never put in the troubles. They never had the relationship after a few years. They didn’t put in the couples therapy or the divorce that happened if the therapy didn’t help. They didn’t put in affairs or anything but good feeling and light humor. I wanted to live in a Walt Disney world like that. I wanted to live in a world where my greatest pleasure wasn’t being an escort and I didn’t feel so god damn lonely.
Meg Ryan was on the screen, denying her inevitable future. That’s what the characters always did. They fought the happiness until they no longer could. They wanted to be upset. It made it a tunnel vision, like a relationship would fix all the problems you didn’t know you were having. It didn’t work that way in real life.
In real life your romantic interest left you for their douche of an ex-fiancé because their self-confidence is low. In real life there wasn’t a big character change or happy ending, just a ton of small changes and tiny victories.
I counted this weekend as a loss except for the punch. It was well worth it. Even if it had broken my hand, which I am glad it didn’t, I would have done it again.
I wasn’t sure what to do with my life after this trip. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to be an escort anymore. Maybe I should move back to California, or somewhere else on the coast. I would love to swim. I had more than enough money and time. Even if I just did it for a year, it would be worth it to get away and reevaluate everything for a while.
I looked online at condos. I tried to find one with a small lease. If all else failed, I could just stay in a hotel. I would have originally stayed with Alex, but now it would be too big of a risk to run into April.
I could run away from my parents and put an out of office reply on my messages. Maybe I could get a secretary for my messages from clients in the mean time. I didn’t need any more money. I could be set for the rest of my life if I was careful with funds.
I thought about it. Running away from everything and everyone sounded nice. A fresh start. I could change my name and work only when I was bored. Maybe I could become a surf board trainer. Maybe I could just chill out forever.
I saw the water and ocean below us, the land shrinking smaller and smaller. The sparkle of the waves reminded me of our day at the beach. It all reminded me of April. The sooner I left the better. Or at least that was what I kept telling myself. I could never visit that hotel again and I would be fine. It was gorgeous and I would miss it, but I would be fine.
We flew farther and farther away from it as we saw the guy get the girl in the movie. It wasn’t a long plane flight from Santa Barbra to Las Vegas, but it felt like it took forever. I couldn’t wait for the credits to roll. I couldn’t wait to get away from what was the worst weekend of my life.
I never wanted to go to another wedding ever again. I took my phone out and blocked April’s number. It was for her own good as well as mine.
25
April
I wiped the sweat off of my brow and clicked my phone to see how much longer I had to run. My heart sank when it saw that I had no new messages. I should have been used to it by now, it had been a week. I was being chased by the wrong guy and ignored by the one I cared about. I pushed harder for the last five minutes and then did the cool down on the treadmill.
Travis was in the tanning room and I was tempted to go break in and cry to him again. I had been more of an emotional wreck now than before I went to the engagement party. I should have seen that coming. No one leaves weddings feeling the same way they did before they went to them, and I was stuck in the worst situation that only got worse as time went on.
I checked the scales. I hadn’t lost any more than a pound. Exercising felt useless. I wasn’t doing it for fun, and I almost didn’t care if I gained all the weight back. I didn’t have much hope for a future boyfriend. Getting thinner was the only way I knew to redeem myself, though. So it was what I was going to have to keep doing until I no longer felt so sorry for myself.
It was worse that everyone gave me puppy dog eyes when they saw me. They knew about the wedding. They knew about Tom. When he called off the wedding, everyone was very disappointed and they both blamed me and felt sorry for me. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want Tom back. I never would again. He turned out to be less mature and worthwhile than I remembered.
I wasn’t sure what to do at this point. I kept applying for jobs and I kept getting rejections. I could freelance for some money, but I couldn’t make a career out of it. I was able to give Travis the money Grant didn’t take, but even that didn’t cover a fraction of what I owed him.
Travis was being the nicest about this. I think he felt worse since this was sort of his idea. I told him all the details. He agreed that I had a right to be confused about where me and Grant had stood, but he also saw why Grant left.
I didn’t blame him either. I drug him along and made him dance like a monkey and he didn’t get anything out of it. Tom tried to punch him in the face. I couldn’t believe it when I saw it and thinking back made it feel less real. I was going to miss Grant. I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. Even when he pissed me off, I knew that he had a right to feel the way he did, he wasn’t just throwing a fit. Grant had been nice, helping me through what was already a tough weekend. And then, of course, I blew it. I always ruin things that start to go my way.
Travis felt bad and took me out to lunch after the gym. I didn’t eat much. I wasn’t thinking about food. He kept conversation light. When he noticed that I didn’t have much to say in responses he just kept talking about his weekend. He had gotten a call back for an audition. He also told me a crazy story about someone who auditioned beside him. It was funny, but I didn’t feel like laughing. I just felt like sulking a little while longer. It wasn’t making me feel better, but it was helping me get it out of my system.
When we got back to our place, Travis kept asking me questions. He kept begging for more detail. The more I talked about the weekend, the worse I felt and the more I missed the good times that had happened. They could have still been happening if I were smart enough to just let Tom be alone.
Tom still tried to call and text me. He did it semi frequently until he finally got the hint. He would leave several messages, and the more he called the drunker he seemed to get. They would have been funny to listen to before but now I just felt bad for the guy. He was spiraling out of control and he had no idea what to do with his life.
Travis saw my glum look when I played the most recent one. “Maybe with his fiancée gone he will be able to focus on work now.”
“Let’s hope so.”
“They can’t fire him if his life is falling apart.”
“That never stopped him from breaking up with me.” We stopped talking again. I deleted the messages.
I hadn’t talked to either of my parents yet. I didn’t know how. I didn’t know what I should say to them. “I told you I shouldn’t have gone,” was all I could think of, but I didn’t even want to say that. I didn’t know how much they knew about Grant. I only knew that they knew he had left early. I thought Tom was a decent enough person to keep his mouth shut, but I have been surprised by him time and time again. It was hard to say what he had told everyone.
Tom was back to “Single” on Facebook. He had changed his profile picture, too. He was now single and showing it off. The selfie that was in place now was from before his new girl. I went to Grant’s Facebook and flipped through all of the pictures he was tagged in for the third time that week. He had grown so much through the photos. He was so handsome. He didn’t have many photos, so it didn’t take long to flip through them all. He didn’t seem like he actually used his account very
much at all. I considered adding him, but if he still wasn’t answering my texts I didn’t see the point.
Travis left me in the living room while I flipped through them. He stayed in his room for a while and I heard him on the phone. I wondered if Alex knew about this. And if he did, I hope it was through Travis and not through Grant. I didn’t like the idea of having a stranger that was so close to my best friend dislike me.
Travis came back in the room and hung up. “That was Alex. I called him to get this for you. Please don’t make me regret it.” He handed me a piece of paper with an address on it. It was in Vegas.
“Is this real?”
“Yes. He lives in the penthouse of this building. If you get a restraining order, I don’t know how much more help I can be. Just be… careful. Use your best discretion.” I hugged Travis tight and put the paper in my pocket.
“You should probably pack a bag. Just in case.”
It took about 5 hours to get to Vegas so I left immediately. It was hardly noon. If I budgeted time right, I could get there in four hours. I didn’t know his schedule, or if he was even home for that matter but I didn’t care. I could drive back the next day and the day after that until I saw him.
I wanted to take Travis with me. Going on an adventure like this alone was frightening. I hadn’t done something like this ever before and now was a very emotional time for me. I stocked up on all the road trip necessities like gummy worms and energy drinks. I put in a Blonde CD and began the journey.
The car ride went fast. Too fast. I had memorized a monologue for an apology over and over again in my head, but I still felt like I didn’t have enough time to prepare. I had never been to Vegas before, so when I pulled through it was a culture shock. I saw all the signs on the buildings. This place had to be lit up at night almost as well as it was during the day time. There were people everywhere, scrambling from casino to casino. You could tell by the cars on the street where the good and bad neighborhoods were.
I grew more anxious the closer I got to my destination. When I went through a gated community, I was worried I went too far. I was in the right area though. As I pulled up to the largest, most lavish hotel in the area it began to sink in just how much he was worth. It was all Egyptian themed. The entire building looked like it was made of gold. Even the parking lot was paved with shinning bricks. I felt nauseous as I walked closer. I didn’t belong. This was all a mistake.
I didn’t drive across state for nothing, though. No matter how badly I wanted to turn around, I knew I couldn’t. Even if this was the last time that I ever stepped foot in Vegas, I knew that I had to do what I came to do.
26
Grant
My doorbell rang while I was in the middle of packing the last of my things. I had finally decided to go on a small vacation. Okay, a big vacation. I thought that Australia would be a good place. I heard only good things about it. Hawaii was on the list too, but I was getting a bit disenchanted with it by the amount of times that I have visited it on business. I didn’t know how long I wanted to be gone either. I know I wanted to leave long enough to get a break from everyone and everything, but I wanted to be back in time to see my half brother be born.
Thinking about it made my skin crawl. I wasn’t going to be the youngest anymore. I would have none of the privileges with all of the down side. This was sure to take some of my dad’s attention off of me, but it would just make my mom that much more desperate for all her kids. If I had kids, they would have an uncle that was only a few years their elder. I hated the thought.
It took me a bit to sort through the things of mine that were by the door to get to it. I didn’t bother looking through the peephole. I would regret that.
It was her outside my door. I had no idea what to do when I saw her there, standing outside. I began to shut the door again and I groaned with it.
“Wait!” she said. She pushed the door and let herself in. I plopped down on my coach and I waited for her to talk until she was done bothering me. She followed me to the coach and sat beside me. “Let me just talk to you. It won’t take long.”
I said nothing. I walked further into my house. She followed. I was starting to regret not locking my door. I would always check the peephole from now on.
“Talking to me is the least you could do after ignoring all my calls and texts. Besides, driving here by myself is probably the boldest thing I have and will ever do so this is your one chance to hear me out.”
I turned back to look at her. She followed me everywhere I went. I should have gone on vacation the minute I got back. I decided there was no more point, and I went back to the coach. I would be gone soon. I laid with my face down.
“You have five minutes. Anymore, and you won’t be able to afford me.”
She sounded annoyed. I might have hurt her by saying that. “Ouch, okay. That’s mean. But fine.”
“Time starts now.”
“Okay, so originally when we went away, I was using you. And what I wanted to happen happened exactly.” She wasn’t helping herself. I considered cutting her time short. “But that isn’t what I wanted after all. When you saw me downstairs with Tom, I’ll be honest, he came on to me. He said he missed me. He said that he wanted what we have and I couldn’t let him think that. I didn’t want him to miss me anymore. I just wanted to be done with him. And now I am done with him, but I don’t have you anymore.”
I turned my head to look at her while she spoke. She picked at her nails, but she looked me in the eyes with sincerity. I thought about the drive from her place to here. It had to have taken at least 4 hours. I didn’t know how she got my address. I didn’t care at this point. I just wanted to hear what she had to say until there was peace in the world again. “Keep talking.”
“So, when we went away, I was already confused. I have had an awful two years, and just when I think that my life can’t get worse, it does. But then, with you, I was having a really great time. I didn’t worry about the next day, and I didn’t worry about the day before. You made me feel like I didn’t have anything to worry about at all. It was so easy to hang out with you.”
It had been easy to get to know her. I still didn’t want to talk to her. She made me feel used. I knew that that had been my job, and it was my fault for being emotional, but I didn’t think that she would have been the type of person that took advantage of another person like that.
“The whole time I was getting to know you, it seemed like we spent most of that in front of other people, so it was hard to tell if you were acting or not. And then we had that dumb fight, and I knew you weren’t acting. I knew that maybe we did have something after all. I was pretty sold. I don’t know why I decided to listen to Tom. I was going to tell him off. I didn’t even let him talk me into seeing him again. He has been calling me nonstop all week, and I haven’t answered him once. That is so unlike me. When he and I were together I would wait on him hand and foot, and now I see him groveling and begging for me to come back. The only difference is that now that I have seen him, I don’t feel that way anymore. He wants me, but I don’t want him.”
I was starting to get frustrated. I had heard enough about Tom in the past two weeks for me to write a novel on how big of an asshole he was. It made me think back to that morning. I checked all around the room for her. I looked out on the balcony, even, and she wasn’t there. When she didn’t come back with breakfast I started to worry. I went down. I was betrayed. She hadn’t done anything wrong, but she didn’t do anything right either. “Well, what exactly do you want, April? It seems like you and Tom are both confused by each other and you’re taking down other people in the process. If you know you don’t want him so bad then tell me, what is it that you do want?”
I sat on the edge of the couch, staring at her. My breathing had come erratic and I wanted to disappear. I didn’t want her to come visit me. I didn’t want to see her. I didn’t want her to know how much she effected me, how much she hurt me. She looked back to me. I saw the sadness in her eyes.
I had no idea I meant anything to her.
I could feel her starting to lose her patience. I asked again. “Tell me, what do you want?” This time I said it softer. I crossed my fingers and prayed for the best. My wish came true.
“You.”
27
April
I couldn’t believe those words came out of my mouth. I had gotten caught up in the heat of the moment again. Again, I wanted to take the words back, scooping them into my mouth and swallowing them like a magic trick. I didn’t babble over it this time. I just looked back at him.
I had shocked myself, and I could tell that my answer shocked him too. After the silence filled the air for a few moments, I saw a smile spread across his face. I became nervous. Had I used the right combination of words? Did I win him back?
I didn’t know what to say, and I wasn’t sure why he wasn’t saying anything either. I had laid all I had on the table. I drove over 5 hours to get here to apologize, and now I wasn’t sure he deserved or wanted an apology. I still wanted him. It was true. He was what I wanted.
If I could go back and time and change it so that I never went to the lobby to meet Tom, I would have. If I could have just stayed in bed and kept my eyes and mouth shut, I would have. It was too late now. I messed up again. He didn’t have to date me in the first place, he certainly wasn’t going to after I hurt him.
Grant had called it, though. I don’t know if he had a premonition or just experience, but he had known from the beginning we were going to have sex. Maybe it happened because he said it would. Maybe it happened because I actually wanted it to, too. Even when I looked at him now, I still wanted him.
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