All I know is that trust was not only restored, it was enhanced, with both the director and the team. Looking back, I can see how this experience validated the importance of showing loyalty and righting wrongs, the value of restoring trust in the organization, and the impact of trust on speed and cost.
Relationship Trust
As I indicated earlier, if you’re a customer of a company that violated your trust, you may not give them a chance to restore it. That’s a transactional thing, and you may not consider it a big deal. But if a family member violates your trust, it’s not transactional. Because family relationships are significantly more important and have more far-reaching implications, you would hope that the willingness and openness to restore trust would be much greater.
An associate of mine shared this story:
A reputable doctor in a nearby community held a respected position in his church, contributed his time to patients in need in third-world countries, was a friend to many in his neighborhood and community, and was a loving father and husband . . . until he got mixed up in an affair with another woman. His secret life and embarrassing behavior, which was contrary to the values he had taught in his church and in his family, was discovered, and instantaneously his world turned upside down. His marriage was in turmoil, his children so hurt that most of them would not speak to him, his position in the church terminated, and his reputation seriously damaged.
But two important things happened that started a healing process that would lay the groundwork for rebuilding respect and trust: 1) he ended the affair and asked forgiveness of his wife and his family, and 2) his wife chose to stay with him, stand by him in public, and give him the opportunity to regain her trust as well as his own self-respect. She did not turn a blind eye or behave like some emotionally abused spouses who blame themselves and allow themselves to be cheated on over and over again. She upheld her own self-respect, gave him an ultimatum, and demanded certain changes in his lifestyle and behavior. Although her actions were important, his were the most important of all. He did not try to lie his way out of the situation. He asked forgiveness. He made the required changes and kept his word that he would not betray her trust again. And he faced his community, family, and neighbors with humility—not arrogance or self-righteousness. Everyone knew what had happened, and he knew that they knew. He wanted to regain their trust, as well. Over time, his marriage, his family, and his reputation began to heal. Though people don’t forget these kinds of personal and public mistakes, one’s attitude and change in character as well as behavior can rebuild trust and respect.
Certainly not everyone in such a situation would want to try to restore trust. But as this experience and others like it show, where people are willing, at least to some degree and in some situations, it is possible.
Another area that creates huge trust issues in personal relationships is money. As many marriage counselors affirm, money problems are a key cause of divorce. While many such problems are caused by lack of character (selfish or impulsive spending, attempts to control or restrict a partner’s access to shared resources, or efforts to hide spending from a partner), many are also caused by lack of competence (lack of education or experience in money management). In addition, two people coming into a relationship are often scripted in different ways by family experience—for example, one may come from a background of spenders, while the other comes from a background of thrift.
One woman shared this story:
For years, my husband and I had problems managing our money. We would agree to spend our money in a certain way, then he would come home with some new thing we hadn’t agreed on. It was very frustrating, and I eventually withdrew emotionally as a financial partner.
Over time, however, we both came to realize that this situation was negatively affecting the trust in our relationship, and we decided to change. He worked on being more responsible to act based on our agreements; I worked on expressing my opinions better and participating more fully in financial decisions. And together, we became involved in learning more about good financial habits, including budgeting and investing.
It’s taken quite a while to shift old habits, but through it all, we’ve become amazingly close and more unified in our financial values, goals, and habits. In fact, I’d say that now, financial unity is one of our strengths. Doing something together that was this challenging has created even stronger bonds of trust in our entire relationship.
So often people caught up in low-trust situations feel like there’s nothing they can do to create positive change. But examples like these and others go to show that, when people are willing—even in difficult situations in close, personal relationships—trust can be restored. And the very effort of restoring it can make it even stronger than before.
Self Trust
Often, the most difficult trust to restore is trust in ourselves. When we violate a promise we’ve made to ourselves, fail to follow through on a goal, or act in ways that go against our deepest values, our self trust can really take a dive. And when we have repeated infractions, we often beat ourselves up so thoroughly that we seriously wonder if we can ever have faith in ourselves again.
Some years ago, a friend of mine who had a good reputation, but wasn’t a very good money manager, was forced to declare bankruptcy in his business. It was humiliating—even more so because everyone knew about it—and it severely undermined his self-confidence. He had to sell some personal possessions in order to keep his home, his wife had to start a home business, and he had to find another job.
Everyone thought that when this man declared bankruptcy that would be the end of his financial stress, and he could start all over again. But, as bad as he felt about his own situation, he felt even worse that he had put his creditors in the position where they were stuck with his debts. So he worked three or four jobs for several years—sometimes almost around the clock—to repay the debts he legally didn’t have to pay. Finally he paid his last creditor and was free from the debts he had owed.
Several years later, the story came out (though not through him), and everyone was amazed at what he had done—especially since he’d had no legal obligation to pay those debts. His credibility with friends, neighbors, and family soared.
But more important to him was the credibility he had regained with himself. Though it had been extremely hard, he had behaved his way back to self trust, and he felt at peace.
Restoring self trust gives another dimension—a powerful dimension—to the Cores and Behaviors. Just think of how significantly the 13 Behaviors apply in your relationship with yourself:
Talk Straight means to tell it like it is—for good, as well as bad. Don’t beat around the bush. Don’t try to justify or rationalize what you’ve done, or tell yourself compelling stories. Instead, tell yourself what you should have done and what you need to do to improve. But don’t tell yourself lies such as: I’m worthless. I’ve blown it, and I can never make things right. It’s no use to even try. Tell yourself the truth: Even if it takes divine help, you can make things better if you want to and if you really try.
Demonstrate Respect for yourself. Don’t beat yourself up over what you perceive as weaknesses or mistakes. Treat yourself with as much love as you would anyone else. Don’t expect more of yourself than you would expect of any other human being in your situation.
Create Transparency in your own life. Be open and honest with yourself about your motives and decisions. Don’t try to rationalize or justify. Don’t try to hide weaknesses or faults; face them and deal with them directly. Be exactly what you are today—and work on being a little better tomorrow.
Right Wrongs you’ve done to yourself. Forgive yourself (which is often the most difficult forgiveness of all). Free yourself so that you can work on developing self trust and confidence again.
Show Loyalty to yourself. Don’t talk negatively about yourself or put yourself down—in self-talk or in talking with others.
Deliver Results in your life in the things tha
t you feel are important—whether anyone else considers them important or not. Set goals and make them happen.
Get Better. Set aside time in your life to constantly improve your capabilities. Enjoy the increase in self trust and confidence that comes from developing skills and using your unique talents and capacities, and also from rising to meet challenges that require you to develop new abilities or gain new knowledge.
Confront Reality. Don’t live in denial or keep your head in the sand. Don’t give in to pessimism and despair. Face what needs to be faced and move on with courage and hope.
Clarify Expectations. Be clear about what you expect of yourself. Don’t let others talk you out of meeting your own expectations, and don’t let the expectations of others govern your decisions and your life.
Practice Accountability. When you receive insight into something you feel you should do, write it down and hold yourself accountable to do it. Don’t let the expectations of others take priority over your responsibility to follow your own inspiration.
Listen First to your own conscience, to your own inner voice. Don’t let the opinions of others persuade you to violate the things you feel deep inside you should or should not do.
Keep Commitments to yourself. Make commitments to yourself carefully, and treat them with the same respect you feel you should treat commitments to others.
Extend Trust to yourself. Trust your instincts and your intuition. Trust your judgment. Trust your ability to receive guidance for your own life. Trust that when your own heart is right, the universe will provide and things will work together for your good.
As you do these things, you strengthen your 4 Cores. You increase Integrity, improve Intent, increase Capabilities, and improve Results. You become a person that you, as well as others, can trust.
IN SUMMARY . . .
Through my work, community service, and personal and family life over the past 30 years, I have seen enough to convince me that on every level—societal, market, organizational, relationship, and personal—people often have the ability to restore at least some measure of trust when they have lost it . . . if they’re really serious about doing it. If they’re not serious—or if they repeatedly abuse it after restoring it—the opportunity will likely be forfeited.
And in many cases, I know it is possible not only to restore trust but to actually enhance it. The difficult things that we go through with the important people in our lives can become fertile ground for the growth of enduring trust—trust that is actually stronger because it’s been tested and proved through challenge.
In all cases, the 4 Cores and 13 Behaviors provide powerful restoration tools.
WHEN OTHERS HAVE LOST YOUR TRUST
Up to this point, we’ve talked about restoring trust when you’re the one who’s lost the trust of others. But what do you do when others have done something to lose your trust?
Just as you can’t force anyone else to trust you when you’ve lost their trust, neither can anyone else force you to trust them when they have lost yours. For you to restore trust to someone who has broken it is a choice only you can make. But as you reflect on your options, I suggest you consider two guidelines that typically prove to be of great help.
• • •
Don’t be too quick to judge. You know what it feels like when someone doesn’t trust you. You probably also know what it feels like to be misunderstood, misinterpreted, misjudged, or not trusted through no fault of your own. So put the shoe on the other foot. Give others the benefit of the doubt. Don’t automatically assume that a failure of competence is a failure of character. Many mistakes are not intentional; don’t make them into something they’re not.
• • •
Do be quick to forgive. I want to be very clear here that to forgive and to trust are two different things. For an abused spouse, for example, to keep “forgiving” over and over (meaning she keeps absolving and going back to a spouse who continues to abuse her) is not what I’m talking about. That is not Smart Trust.
What I am talking about is our ability to cleanse ourselves of feelings of anger, vindictiveness, blaming, accusing, or retribution toward anyone who has caused us offense, either intentionally or accidentally. I’m talking about refusing to take on the role of someone else’s judge and jury, and about letting go of things that are out of our control—including other people’s attitudes and behaviors and things that have happened in the past. I’m talking about freeing ourselves physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally from dependent responses to the mistakes, weaknesses, and bad choices of others.
A great example of forgiveness is Nelson Mandela. Following 27 years of imprisonment on Robben Island, he was released and became the president of South Africa. At his inaugural address, he personally invited his jailers to sit on the front row as an illustration of the forgiveness he felt was needed to heal his soul and his country.
Forgiveness is not always easy. In fact, for many of us, it requires divine intervention. But whether or not we choose to trust, we always need to forgive—both for our own sake and for the sake of others. In fact, until we forgive, we’re really not free to exercise Smart Trust. We carry around emotional baggage that jades both our analysis and propensity to trust.
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
—MAHATMA GANDHI
Forgiveness is a principle of a better life. It’s also part of our responsibility in righting wrongs. When we don’t forgive, we violate this crucial behavior. Not only do we deprive ourselves of clear judgment, emotional freedom, and possible high-trust dividends, we may also get in the way of someone else’s self-forgiveness and personal change.
Keep in mind that we garner strength to forgive those who have wronged us not by what they do, but by what we do. And we don’t forgive to abdicate the “offender”; as Mandela modeled, we forgive to bring clarity and peace to ourselves.
He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he, too, must pass.
—LORD HERBERT, BRITISH PHILOSOPHER AND THEOLOGIAN
As global citizens, as part of the human race, and in our own best interests as well as the interests of others, we need to forgive. Then—in whatever direction we choose regarding trust—we are free to move ahead.
PRIORITIZE RESTORING TRUST
I have a close friend who shared this story:
Up to about age 14, our son was an “ideal” kid. He gladly participated in family activities, got good grades, had great friends—we thought we had it made. When he began to pull away a little, we assumed it was normal growing up and tried to roll with it. But when he began hanging out with a new set of friends and became more secretive about his activities, we knew we were in trouble.
So we decided to make our son our top priority. We spent more time with him. We cut back privileges, set family goals, talked to experts, and took him to experts. There were lectures, apologies, and promises made and broken. But the older he got, the more dangerous his choices became. We constantly felt frustrated and scared; but we determined to always make sure he knew that we were never going to give up on him and would never stop loving him—no matter what.
As things continued to go from bad to worse, we told him that we loved him too much to support him in the lifestyle he was choosing. He was welcome to live with us, but only on our terms. If he wanted to live differently, he’d have to live somewhere else.
So he moved out—and his lifestyle got even worse. As painful as it was, we tried to ignore it and to just keep living our values and reaffirm our love for him. We made sure he knew that he and his friends were always welcome in our home for a good Sunday dinner. We told them they would have to behave themselves while they were in our home, but they’d always be welcomed and loved and fed. Some Sundays, it was a pretty rough group that showed up, but no matter what they looked like, they always left full of food and love.
Gradually, our boy found himself. After working his way through some very difficul
t times, he had a complete change of heart and now has again that incredible spirit he had until he was 14. He told us that the one thread he hung on to over our five-year ordeal was that he knew we loved him and had his best interests at heart. He said he knew he could trust us—and now, thankfully, we know we can trust him, too.
Restoring trust in close relationships may be difficult and painful, and sometimes it may take years. But there are no higher dividends in life than those that come from prioritizing it and making it happen.
BROKEN TRUST: A BEGINNING
For many people, broken trust is a dead end. It’s the end of a relationship, the end of an opportunity—sometimes even the end of self-confidence and the ability to ever trust again.
But it doesn’t have to be. In fact, I contend that broken trust can actually become a significant beginning.
If you’ve broken trust with someone else, it’s an opportunity to get your own act together, to improve your character and competence, to behave in ways that inspire trust. Hopefully this will influence the offended party to restore trust in you. But even if it doesn’t, your effort may well affect others in positive ways, and it will definitely enable you to create more high-trust relationships in the future.
If someone has broken trust with you, it’s an opportunity for you to grow in your ability to forgive, to learn how to extend Smart Trust, and to maximize whatever dividends are possible in the relationship.
In either situation, broken trust presents an opportunity for you to make huge leaps in building up your own self trust and personal credibility. As you go through the process of trying to restore trust you have lost with others, or forgiving and extending Smart Trust to those who have broken trust with you, you will grow in character and competence. You will gain confidence in your own discernment and ability to establish, grow, restore, and extend trust on every level of your life.
The SPEED of Trust: The One Thing that Changes Everything Page 38