by Lauren Dane
“I’m not punishing him. I’m not sixteen years old! But I have my limits. He crossed them. I’m done with this conversation. I will recommend that you get your ass down to the court house with someone and soon. He’ll bond out and be like smoke. A tail might be useful. Now, I’m going out to patrol.” Tegan turned on her heel and left the room without saying anything else.
Lex turned to Nina who looked worried. “Okay, I’m at a loss here, beautiful. What do we do?”
“She blames herself, Lex. She takes on too much but there’s nothing much we can do but help her figure it out. If I know Ben, he’ll come for her. She feels guilty. Like she failed the Pack. That’s going to be the biggest thing for her to overcome.”
“Does she honestly think I’d blame her for not assaulting some human in front of the cops?”
“I don’t know, Scooby. I don’t know. We’ll have to support her through this. But also keep an eye out too. If Pellini is tailing her, or Ben, well, this just went to DEFCON four.”
“Yeah. I’m going to have to bring in Cade and the others. Which means I need to talk to Ben. She’s right about the tail.”
“Don’t hurt him, Lex.”
“I’m not going to as long as he does the right thing. I want him to realize she’s broken and out of sorts, to give her extra consideration and help her through. I can’t bear to see her unhappy like this again. But for now, it’s business because we need a clearer picture and I’ve got a Pack to protect.”
Nina nodded, kissing his lips absently as they looked out the window at the lone red wolf trotting away from the house and into the line of trees just beyond.
* * *
Tegan slipped back into her human skin once she’d gotten deep into the trees. She went to her favorite spot, a little bench Nina had put at the base of a tree where a creek ran nearby.
Four years she’d been alone. Her only focus had been her Pack, protecting them, putting them first and foremost. Behind the walls she built, her heart was safe. She risked nothing but her life and really, she had no real connections to anyone at that point, didn’t allow it, so her life wasn’t much to risk.
And then she’d begun to live again. Had taken a small step into the light and had gone out and started to see friends. She’d moved into her own place. Baby steps and they’d been satisfying.
But fuck, like being struck by lightning, Ben had come into her life and turned on all the lights and the walls got kicked down. There wasn’t a way to keep him out, wasn’t a way to protect herself from the bond she hadn’t even known existed until it was created.
She’d waded back into a life with someone, opened herself up to belonging with, belonging to a relationship and it made her vulnerable. Made her naked to being harmed and Ben Stoner could possibly bring back the kind of pain she felt when she lost Lucas. And she couldn’t bear it, not like that.
It wasn’t so much that she felt betrayed by Ben for what he’d done that morning. But in her caring for him, in her relationship and connection with him, she’d harmed her family. She’d put something else first and had failed everyone. Failed herself, failed her Pack and failed Ben because she couldn’t be what he needed her to be.
Being alone began to be something she missed a lot more than being lonely.
Chapter Seven
Ben stalked back to his office, a roaring headache just behind his eyes. As Tegan predicted, the man lawyered up immediately and they’d gotten nothing from him other than his name.
The lawyer claimed the car was an innocent mistake, the perp said he’d bought it only the night before for cash from a stranger. Ten years ago Ben might have been incredulous at such a story but he heard stuff worse than that on a weekly basis. Still, they charged him with car theft and possession of an unlicensed weapon.
But he’d just walked back from the court house where he’d been at the arraignment. The guy was released on bond and Ben doubted very much they’d ever see him again. He wasn’t sure what made him angrier, that Tegan had been right or that he’d just made her even less safe.
“Stoner.”
Ben jumped at the sound and saw Lex standing in the hallway just outside the door. “Look, I’m sorry. He just bonded out. I couldn’t do anything else.”
Lex walked in and closed the door. “He’s got a tail on him. Tegan suggested it earlier.”
Ben sighed heavily and sat down. “Good idea. How...how is she?”
“Pissed off. Hurt.” Lex shrugged. “Before we get into that, did you find anything out from this guy?”
“No. I was about five minutes behind the arresting officer and by the time they processed him and I got through and into the interrogation room, he’d pokered up after requesting representation. I have a name.” Ben paused, looking at his notes. “I’m giving it to you as the liaison, not because of what I am to your sister.” He wrote the name down and handed it to Lex.
“And just what are you to my sister?”
Ben scrubbed his hands over his face. “Hell if I know. All I do know is that I want to see her and make this right. I expect she’s pretty angry at me right now. But I can’t apologize for it, Lex. If I had let her lean on that guy, I’d have been turning my back on what I am. I can’t do that.”
“And now he’s gone and if she hadn’t been what she is, you’d have dick. Remember that, Ben. And don’t you dare get self-righteous on me. This piece of shit has something to do with a man who’s attempted to kill multiple members of my family and who wouldn’t blink before harming Tegan to get what he wants. Warren Pellini is a werewolf. This is werewolf business. You can’t do anything to him but I can. Back off and let me do it.”
“You don’t know that for sure. I can’t stand by and let you be a thug, Lex.”
“I’m not asking permission. And I’m not a thug. Humans are thugs. I’m the Enforcer of the Cascadia Wolf Pack.” Lex stood tall and proud. “I do not seek human leave to do wolf business. Make no mistake, we will take care of this threat. You can help or get out of the way. But it will happen.”
“If you keep your wolf shit out of my business, I don’t see it and I can’t stop it. Now, I’m told Tegan is at your place and will be for a few days. I’d like to come up to see her when I get done here. Is that going to be a problem?”
“If you can survive the visit with your dick intact, you go ahead on.” Chuckling, Lex held up the scrap of paper and nodded. “Thanks for this.”
“See you later.”
“Look, she’s been alone a long time. She’s hurt and more than anything else I think she’s scared. So go easy. Oh and she’s a werewolf female. There’s really no more complicated being in all creation than a werewolf female. Beautiful, magnificent, the world is better with them than without. But you’ll never figure them out even as they aggravate you so much you want to drive a screwdriver into your eardrum. Good luck.” With a snort, Lex left the office, laughing softly all the way down the hall.
* * *
Tegan looked up from the pot of sauce she was stirring. She felt Ben come into the house and sighed.
Nina came into the room about five minutes later.
“He wants to see you.”
“I don’t want to see him.”
“Really? If you’re truly serious, I’ll send him away. But...” Nina hesitated.
“But what?”
“Tee, you do want this to work out right? I mean, you want to be with him?”
Tegan turned and faced her sister-in-law. “I do. He’s my mate. You know what that is, what it means. I love him. Even right now I ache to see him, to feel him with me. But I can’t be with him if he’s not going to respect me. And I can’t be with him if he can’t accept what we are to each other. I know he’s a human and the whole thing is shocking to him so I get that he needs time to process but I need something from him. I need fo
r him to be more than hungry to fuck me. I want him to admit he’s hungry for me, period.”
Nina nodded, leaning against the counter. “I get that. So this is more than just this morning. I see you’ve been using your day to patrol and think. He needs to realize how much you mean to him. And you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. He can’t take your presence for granted. I know it’s a shock for him, hell, I was there a few years ago myself. But with all that’s going on right now, he’s got to deal. You can live apart from him. He can live apart from you. But it’s going to hurt and I think he needs a wake-up call.”
“I’m just trying to process all of this. You know? It’s all been about him. How he felt about the mating. Trying to get him to understand and accept the mating. And I realize what a huge shock it is to him and his life. But after this morning, I realize I’m trying to work it out too. I can’t do it with him around. I need to think.”
“Okay, Tee. I’ll send him away. But you know, he is an alpha male, even if he’s not a wolf. He won’t stand for being separated from you for very long.”
“He can bite me.” Tegan turned back around and stirred the sauce again. Snickering, Nina headed out of the kitchen and back to the deck below where Lex and Cade had Ben corralled.
On her way out the doors she passed Layla, who dropped a quick kiss on her cheek as the kids ran out to find Megan who laughed as they jumped into her arms.
Ben looked up as Nina came out. “Where is she?”
“She doesn’t want to see you, Ben.”
“Well, it’s not up to her!”
Nina’s jaw locked a moment and one eyebrow rose. Lex chuckled and plopped down on a deck chair.
“Perhaps you don’t know where you are, human. You’re in the seat of the Cascadia Pack and this is my territory. I decide what’s up to who here and if Tegan doesn’t want to see you, she doesn’t have to,” Cade said before Nina could speak.
“Yeah. What he said,” Nina couldn’t resist adding. “Look, go home. Get some rest. You’ll need it. Try again tomorrow night. Perhaps you’ll have better luck then. But she doesn’t want you right now. She feels disrespected and guilty and your behavior today hasn’t helped that one bit. You’re taking her for granted. You’re going to have to work for it now.”
“I did my job!” Ben exploded. “I won’t turn into some kind of lapdog because she’s a fucking werewolf.”
“She didn’t ask you to! But how can you expect her to turn into your lapdog just because you’re a cop? You two have to get your shit straight and the first thing on your to-do list should be to accept that she’s your damned mate and stop this hemming and hawing over it.”
“Nina has a point there, Ben. Yes, it’s crazy, this whole mating thing. But she didn’t plan it. And it still is a fact. You can’t wish it away and I’m banking on you not wanting to. I’ll admit I have big reservations about this situation. You’re human, that’s trouble.” Cade crossed his arms over his chest and flexed.
“I don’t know what you people want. We’ve been dating exclusively. But I don’t love her. It’s been three weeks since we met. I’m just barely getting to know her!”
“You’ve said that a few times. You not loving her. And yet you’re here. You’re here and your skin is itching with the need to touch her, comfort her. Your heart aches that you’ve made her upset. You’re worried about her, worried she may dump your ass for good.” Nina shrugged. “That sounds a lot more like love to me than gee, Tegan, I really like you, you wanna go steady? Do you want her to wear your frat pin or do you want to be her fucking mate? Because one is love, the other is a shadow of feeling. Yes, it’s new and you didn’t know and blah, blah, blah. Pull up your big-girl panties, Ben! Grow up. You do love Tegan, God knows she loves you. Now, what are you going to do about it?”
“I’m not a damned werewolf, I can’t just accept all this shit the way you do.”
“She’s not human. And sometimes, Ben, sometimes things happen that we can’t explain. They just are. You can make a leap of faith or you can fight it and still end up in the same place.” Lex shrugged.
“You aren’t going to see her tonight. Period. Three werewolves stand between you and the door and there are a half dozen more in the house. Just go home. Do some thinking. Figure out what your priorities are and call tomorrow afternoon.” Nina motioned her head. “Now go on. I’d tell you to sleep well but you won’t. If it’s any comfort, she won’t either.”
“Fuck this. If she wants to play games she can kiss my ass.” Ben stormed out and down the steps to the side yard where his car was parked.
“Well.” Cade watched him go.
“He’s a fool. He’d better get his shit together. She’s working on it, scared as hell but she is. He needs to do the same.” Nina flipped her hair back over her shoulder and walked into the house.
“He has no idea.” Cade shook his head.
Lex laughed. “Well, better him than me for a damned change.”
* * *
Nina joined Tegan and Layla in Tegan’s room. “He’s gone. Stormed off in a big hissy fit,” she said, tossing herself on the bed. “So, did you tell Layla that you blame yourself for Ben arresting this Pellini scumbag?”
“Nina, I keep telling you you need to find a way to say what you really feel.” Layla grinned. “We just got to that part. The pasta will be boiling soon so let’s just hash this out, shall we?”
“Let’s not and say we did. Really, I’ve had enough Oprah moments for the day. I’m all empowered now, I’m every woman. Woot!” Tegan said, sounding exhausted.
“Hey, that was pretty good, my young apprentice. Now, back to guilt. Under the circumstances you couldn’t have done anything else. You were at Ben’s house. He’s your mate. It was only natural you shared with him when you knew you were being watched.” Nina’s voice was understanding.
“I should have gone out there alone. When I first felt him. I’ve put us all in danger now.”
“We were already in danger and you aren’t responsible for everything in the whole world, Tee. Your man is a cop, this won’t be the last time something like this comes up. You have to let him do his thing too. You’re going to butt heads. A lot. It’s actually great for make-up sex. I’m just sayin’. Lay doesn’t know because Sid is easygoing and he adores her and lets her have her way. But your brother is a pain in my ass every waking moment. Truly, it’s only the spectacular sex and the cookies alpha boy makes when he’s stressed that keep me here.”
Tegan shook her head and began to laugh. It was a rusty sort of sound at first. Not a casual laugh but the kind of laugh that came from deep inside and made your face hurt and your stomach ache. Tears rolled from her eyes and she threw herself back on the bed and let it come until the tears were no longer of joy but pain.
Layla snuggled up to one side and Nina got the other, both exchanging worried looks.
“You couldn’t have saved Lucas, Tegan,” Layla murmured. “This isn’t the same. We’re all going to be okay.”
Tegan only cried harder. “I should have put my foot down on ranger school. I should have kept him out of the army altogether. But I didn’t. I let him go and he’s dead and I failed him. And now you’re all in danger because I let my pussy get ahead of my job.”
Layla looked shocked and then laughed. “Oh, sweetie, you’re giving your pussy an awful lot of power. You’re a hot number but really, I think that’s pretty arrogant, even for a Warden. As for Lucas? You forget I grew up with him too. He lived and breathed the army. He wanted it and you wanted it for him. You let him be what he needed to be. And he got killed and that sucks rocks but it was not your fault! I’m pissed off at you for even thinking that all these years. And, Tee, if Ben gets hurt, or if someone in the Pack gets hurt, it’s not your fault either.”
“That’s why you gave us yourself 24/7! Man-oh-man, Tegan. I
honestly thought I had the guilt thing down with Gabriel but you got me beat. Your mate gets killed in Afghanistan and you blame yourself. Cut yourself some slack. This guy who cased Ben’s house? Not your fault. Ben being a cop? Not your fault. He’s your mate. Again, not your fault. But it is what it is and you have to deal. And you are not allowed to feel guilty about this. I’m Second and I say so. So there. You’ll let Ben stew because you know he will, he’s a man. And then he’ll come around.” Nina rolled her eyes.
“I’m starving. We’re going to eat dinner and you’re going to let your family pamper you.” Layla stood and pulled Tegan up.
Tegan felt lighter than she had in a very long time. Just having someone know how she felt, even if she wasn’t quite ready to let go of the guilt, made her feel better. Less burdened.
Chapter Eight
Five days went by and Ben tried to pretend nothing was wrong. But it was a losing battle. He saw Tegan in the fiery red leaves on the maple trees in his yard, he smelled her in his house, on his sheets.
He thought about her all the time. At first it was physical. A deep ache to touch her, to be inside her. But then it turned into something else. He wondered how she was feeling. Wondered if she was hurting and felt guilt at not trying to get in contact. She’d called and left a message on his voice mail a few days before but he hadn’t replied and she hadn’t called again. At first he’d battled that guilt with anger at her refusal to see him but as the days passed, he began to understand her more. He had to, he could only think about fucking her two-thirds of the time, the rest of the time ended up being about her as a person and her motivations.
He wondered how he’d have felt if he’d been in her place. At first he told himself it wouldn’t have been the same but he was beginning to have trouble believing that. He felt strongly about being a cop. He did it to protect people. If he was a cop for his family and she’d stepped in and put them in danger, how would he have reacted? He wouldn’t have done anything different necessarily but he could see why she was upset.