by Isha Inamdar
He saw people having a blast on the dance floor and made a mental note to come back here with Harsh someday. He wanted to dance like a lunatic to the restless techno beats with Harsh and with no clients around. His thoughts were interrupted when he heard the name of the DJ who was taking over being announced – DJ NJ. Did the deejay just say NJ?
‘She has been setting ablaze Ibiza’s musical landscape for over two years and is here today with her trademark beats. She will tear down the club with her music tonight! Givin’ it to herrrrrr … DJ NJ!’ he said as he spun his last set.
Unable to help himself, Sam found himself walking towards the DJ console and staring at the elfin girl talking to the DJ.
NJ? But NJ was dead. How could this be NJ?
One look at the DJ and Sam knew it wasn’t their NJ. She didn’t look anything like her. While NJ’s hair had been long and curly, this girl had a pixie cut. She was dressed in all black, or at least it looked black to Sam from the floor, whereas NJ had always dressed in vibrant colours.
The set ended and DJ NJ took over. He saw her go for the mic and he waited with bated breath.
‘How ya doing, Ibiza?’ she greeted the crowd with a thick accent as everyone began to go berserk. She began playing her music and her voice boomed again, ‘Are you ready to shake a leg with me?’
Sam let out a sigh. Those excruciating two minutes had ended. The adrenaline rush of thinking that NJ was alive had killed his buzz. The crowd was going wild over DJ NJ’s techno music as he made way to back his table and decided he needed a stronger drink now.
And another reason why it couldn’t be NJ was that she used to hate techno. ‘It is such a restless form of music’ she had once said. NJ’s idea of music was EDM and House, something that energized her and soothed her soul. He laughed at himself now. How stupid of him! NJ was dead, and here he was, running to see a DJ because her name was NJ too. Maybe it wasn’t even NJ. It could have been MJ or Enjay or Emjay or anything else. He wasn’t even sure he had heard NJ any more. Kicking himself for his foolhardiness, he decided to call Rudra and have a candid conversation with him.
It had been nearly three years since the NJ episode. While Sam’s heart truly went out to Rudra, it was high time that Rudra and Harsh resolved matters and moved on. Though Rudra had apologized for his disappearing act to Harsh and had promised nothing would change between them, it already had. Superficially they were all right, but the brothers, as he had known them to be, had distanced. It was time for Sam to take matters in his own hands.
Harsh had never spoken about Rudra since the day of the phone call. But Sam knew it pained him that his elder brother didn’t really want to be in touch with him. Anger was easier to deal with. When someone was angry, it meant they cared. Rudra’s indifference was killing Harsh. Though Sam was certain Rudra cared about Harsh, he needed to be shaken back to reality. He had always had the feeling that Rudra had been the most pampered one in the Ranawat family to the extent that no one dared cross him or even voice their point, even when he was so definitely wrong. Realizing he shouldn’t have waited three years and resolving to reprimand Rudra if required, he joined Mr Beale and the others at the table and soon forgot about the deejay mixing music for them.
Time flew by and it was already time for him to leave for the airport. Bidding everyone goodbye, he made his way towards the exit door when he heard it.
‘This is NJ signing off. Thank you, Ibiza! Love you all! Cheers!’
Sam was considerably high but that didn’t change what he had heard. That was NJ’s signature sign-off. He turned around too quickly for his own good and the club began to spin. Shutting his eyes to help clear his head, he took a deep breath. Was it possible that NJ was alive? And if she was alive, what the hell was she doing in Ibiza?
‘NJ!’ he yelled as she was about to exit into the back door.
The deejay turned and instantaneously froze at the sight of drunk Sam.
‘How can I help you?’ she asked Sam as he reached her.
Sam halted in his tracks. He had been about to pull her into a bear hug. What did she mean by ‘How can I help you?’? Didn’t she recognize him? He could have sworn he had seen recognition in her eyes the moment they had locked with his.
He looked closely at her. Yes, it definitely was NJ, though her appearance had changed completely. NJ used to look warm and alive. She had chopped off her long hair. But more than the change in appearance, what shook him was the change in her. This NJ looked cold, apathetic and distant. Her sparkling eyes had turned indifferent. She didn’t just look different, she felt like a different person too.
‘NJ, it’s me. Sam! Are you going to deny knowing me?’ Sam asked.
‘I am sorry, mister. You seem to be confusing me with someone else,’ she replied evenly.
Sam looked at NJ with mournful eyes and mumbled, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were the girl my brother Rudra is in love with,’ as he turned around to walk away. Was he really that drunk that he mistook someone else for NJ?
NJ’s face stayed cold and calm. Her expression didn’t falter. Only her eyes gave her away. They clouded over for a moment before becoming steely again.
With no regret, she stared at the retreating Sam.
Sweet Agony
8 September, 2013
NJ exited the club into the alley from the back door. Pulling up her jacket collar to cover her face as much as possible, she started walking towards her apartment a few blocks away. She quickened her pace, turning around after every couple steps to check the shadows.
She couldn’t believe it. Sam in Ibiza? Why was he here? Why now? She looked back, half-expecting Sam to be following her. She wasn’t sure if she was glad or disappointed that he wasn’t. She didn’t want Sam to find her again now, did she? She had put in a lot of hard work to build this life which included nobody but her. She had decided to live on her own terms when she’d walked out of her father’s home. But she had made the mistake of making friends, and she had made the colossal mistake of falling in love with Rudra.
She shouldn’t be thinking about Rudra. She couldn’t afford to. It had taken her too long to stop thinking about him. The nightmares had stopped, her troubles were ending and her love for Rudra was ebbing – or so she hoped. At times, she had wondered if her hatred for both the brothers could replace her feelings for Rudra.
Either ways, most of the days, she could successfully survive without being troubled with thoughts about the past. Unfortunately, her nights weren’t that easy. When she was awake, she could keep her mind occupied. Work, classes and some more work – there was no room for stray thoughts in her head. But with nightfall, all the memories would come swarming back. As if it was just yesterday that she was at Kaavya’s wedding. As if it had been just yesterday that she and Rudra had shared that searing kiss. As if it had been just yesterday that he had called her a whore.
She had worked so hard to forget them all. And after just one look at Sam, she was a complete mess once again. She had thought she had hardened her heart. But one look at Sam and it was begging to melt once more.
And what about Sam? Had he seen through her charade? She had been so certain that she had been able to fool him with her ‘I am sorry, do I know you?’ farce. She had seen him be confused and turn around. And then suddenly he had mentioned Rudra and she had to fight to maintain her composure. She hadn’t lost it for more than half a moment. But had it been enough for Sam?
And what the hell had Sam meant about Rudra being in love with her? Had those been rantings of a drunk Sam? But if it had been drunk talk, it would have a high likelihood of being true, wouldn’t it? Nah … it couldn’t be. Sam had probably been rambling and perhaps it was to get a reaction from her and find out if she was indeed NJ. Damn! Had he fallen for her act or had she fallen in his trap?
Monday
9 September, 2013
Mondays were usually the slowest for NJ. After the weekend parties, nobody had time or the inclination to do much throughout the day. Mond
ay nights also saw the least amount of crowd in all clubs across Ibiza. Apart from deejaying, NJ also had a day job as a manager at Café Bondi which not only helped financially but also helped her pass time. Survival for NJ meant having no free time at hand and no time to think.
Throughout the day, she had to work hard to block Rudra’s image from her mind. Last night, she had dreamt about Rudra and for the first time in her dreams, he had smiled at her. She was worked up and she kept looking around the café. Once or twice, she sent Cathy, her colleague to take the order when she thought the guy sitting with his back towards her looked like Sam. It was now time to close the café and Sam hadn’t showed up. She thought it must not have been easy to find her. Maybe he would be waiting at Space for her.
She wasn’t scheduled to play at Space that night. But she went to Space that night, hoping to find Sam waiting for her.
He wasn’t.
Tuesday
10 September, 2013
By evening, NJ had begun to lose her cool.
Had she actually fooled Sam into believing that she wasn’t NJ? And if she had, why wasn’t she happy about it? Wasn’t that exactly what she wanted? Why, then, was she feeling a hollow inside? She had been living this life for three years. Well, nearly three years. And she had discounted a lot of her emotions, feelings and behaviour. But this? What she was feeling now was atrocious! How could one fleeting meeting with Sam mess her up so badly?
And then it hit her. It wasn’t meeting Sam that was messing with her head. It was what he’d said about Rudra. She couldn’t deny that she’d been thinking about Rudra constantly since Sam had mentioned him. Thinking about him … Missing him … Dreaming about him. Her thoughts were revolving around Rudra once again.
Sam had said that Rudra was in love with her. She wasn’t sure what that meant. Hell, she wasn’t sure if what he’d said was true. But she wanted it to be true – she desperately wanted it to be true.
Wednesday
11 September, 2013
NJ was in the middle of playing her favourite set at Space when she had the sudden urge to pack her bags and fly to Mumbai. But was Mumbai where she really wanted to go? Or Phalodi? Rudra had taken over her life again and she couldn’t get him out of her mind.
She decided to stalk Rudra’s Facebook profile that night. She wasn’t sure what she hoped to achieve, but there was nothing else she could do sitting 6,567 kilometres away from him. She had once found his house on Google maps and checked the distance between them. By putting up a distance in kilometres between them, she had hoped to distance him from her heart.
She had believed that she had put enough distance between them. She had believed that he didn’t matter to her any more. She had believed that she didn’t care about any of them any more. She realized she had been dead wrong. She loved him, and she cared if he was in love with her. But the question was – was he? She had left India because of him. Did she want to go back and endure heartbreak again? She couldn’t understand what she hoped to gain from going to Phalodi. Did she really want to take the risk of seeing Rudra again? Would she need to tell on Harsh?
Her hands were fumbling with the knobs on her console and she realized she couldn’t play. For the first time in her life, she found herself not fully immersed in her music. Music had always distracted her from everything else. Over the last three years, music was the buoy that had helped her exist. And she had been merely existing, hadn’t she? She had stopped living the moment Rudra had walked out of that room.
She passed the headphones to DJ Waggy and stepped out for a breather. Fishing her mobile out of her pocket, she logged in on her Facebook account. She tapped the search bar and typed ‘Rud’ and Facebook prompted her with Rudra’s profile. She realized she had looked at his profile too many times – even Facebook was aware of her obsession with this man!
She waited breathlessly as his profile loaded. Never had her internet service been so slow. It was only today when she wanted to have a look at Rudra’s display picture. Not that she needed to see his photo to remind her of his face. His face was etched in her memory – those mysterious eyes with their myriad undercurrents, that steely jaw sculpted to perfection, those luscious lips that had taken her breath away.
No, she didn’t need a reminder. She only wanted to have a look at a recent picture. Right from the beginning, she had known him to be an anti-social animal. She giggled at her own connotation. Animal! Midway she stopped. She hadn’t giggled like this since forever. Ah, she felt so light after a small giggle – so much better! In these past three years, she had realized he was even anti-social-websites. He hadn’t uploaded even one photo on Facebook. The only recent ones were the one his friends tagged him in.
His display picture was still the same as a year ago. Did he not check his Facebook? She scrolled down on his timeline and found a few posts that he had replied to. Well, he was active after all. She scrolled further down and found birthday wishes. And finally, there it was – what she had been looking for. Divya had uploaded two photos of his birthday party. In one, he was alone and smiling at the camera (and he looked magnificently hot with a few strands of grey beginning to show) and another where he was hugging Divya. They looked good together, she thought enviously.
She switched off her phone screen and went back to the console. She’d better concentrate on her job, she thought as she took the headphones back from Waggy and thanked him for filling in.
Thursday
12 September, 2013
The last few days had been a rollercoaster ride for NJ. Ever since she had bumped into Sam, she had let her heart feel, allowed her mind to go wild, consider options that she didn’t have and build castles in the air. Ever since she had bumped into Sam, she had begun realizing what she had been missing from her life – friends, love, excitement, happiness, bliss.
Her resentment towards Harsh and the others hadn’t subsided. However, she had accepted the fact that here in Ibiza, she didn’t really have the life she wanted. Even though she was one of the best-known deejays across a few countries, her life was hollow and lonely. But surely she could do something about that. She didn’t want to keep whining and feeling sorry for herself. She decided to take matters in her own hands and informed Cathy that she was planning on taking a week off.
NJ was on duty in the café, wondering why time was passing so slowly. The day had been dragging along and even though she would check her watch only intermittently, time was going by in painstakingly long minutes. Ever since she had bumped into Sam, the days had begun to seem unending, again. She was sitting at the till when her phone rang.
‘Hello,’ NJ barked into the phone.
‘Why so rude, love, why so rude?’ asked Stash in his dangerously creepy voice.
‘What do you want, Stash?’ she asked, knowing very well what he wanted. The only time he called her was when he was coming to Ibiza and wanted to meet her.
‘Stock my beer up. I am coming down on Tuesday,’ he ordered.
‘I don’t want to meet you this time, Stash,’ she said. She didn’t want to and she wouldn’t. Period.
‘Why?’ he demanded.
‘Just – I don’t want to,’she said adamantly, adding, ‘Please.’
‘Okay,’ Stash said. ‘I’ll agree only because you have never said no ever before. But make sure this doesn’t happen again.’
‘Okay,’ she said submissively. ‘Have I ever given you a chance to complain?’ she asked.
‘That’s the reason why all the best gigs come to you and why no one here has found out that you aren’t really dead. So it’s not a favour you are doing to me, sweetheart. Just pure business.’
Click. The call ended abruptly and she was left wondering why she still took shit from this guy. Back when she had needed to pull her disappearing act, she hadn’t had many choices. She had chosen to use Stash out of pure anger and helplessness. But she didn’t need him any more. Why hadn’t she ever walked away from him? She had initially worried that if she pulled a dis
appearing act on Stash, he might tell Harsh and Sam. But now, after all this while, did it matter?
Had she not walked away because she was afraid of being outed by Stash? Or was it because she had been wanting to cling to the thin connection that he gave her to Harsh and Sam? Shaking her head, she put her phone down, wondering if his last words still held true. No one here had found out that she wasn’t really dead … No one … or had Sam?
Friday
13 September, 2013
Looking at her reflection while brushing her teeth, NJ decided she was going to India. She needed to see Rudra. She needed to see him and talk to him. She couldn’t live like this, not knowing. Uncertain. Unsure.
She was in a trance and wasn’t really registering her actions. She seemed to have gaps in her mind. She packed a few basic things in the same duffel bag that she had brought from Mumbai. Somehow, it seemed poetically appropriate. She decided not to overthink going to Phalodi because she might change her mind or regret her decision.
As her flight touched down in Mumbai, a tear rolled down her cheek for the first time in years. She was crying, and she felt better. She was back in Mumbai, the city that she truly loved. Her cab was passing Lake Ranisar. She entered the magnificent gates of Rudra’s house and her heart skipped a beat. She was finally here.
She saw Rudra come down the stairs of the house and ask menacingly, ‘What are you doing here, bitch?’
His handsome features had turned precariously cold. He didn’t emanate warmth any more, just indifference. He was making sure she knew she was unwanted. Just in case if his demeanour hadn’t been crystal clear, the look on his face ensured she knew how he felt about her.