For advice.
From my estranged father.
Obviously, my brain didn’t function well when in crisis mode.
Three months ago, throwing everything aside and leaping into Kade’s waiting arms would have been a no-brainer. And I couldn’t even explain why I was struggling with this decision. Choosing to be with him shouldn’t have felt like I was at a crossroads in my life. My mind shouldn’t have been be so confused or conflicted. But at some point last night I’d determined that maybe some of those conflicted emotions were coming from other sources. My dad, to name one.
Would seeking guidance about love and relationships from my cheating runaway father actually do any good?
Well, I was beginning to question my own judgment about a lot of things lately, so really…it was anyone’s guess.
I took a deep breath and rang the doorbell. It was six o’clock on a Friday morning, so there was no guarantee he was even awake. But he once told me in an email that he’d taken a coaching and teaching job at the local high school, so I figured he’d be at school by seven-thirty. Like he used to when he coached at Mason High.
I was still giving myself a pep talk when the door whooshed open.
And there stood my dad.
He was heavier than the last time I’d seen him. A little rounder in the face and in the belly. There was more gray at his temples and more wrinkles around his eyes. But those green eyes looked the same. The same eyes I’d inherited from him.
Shock registered first. “Sam?” He looked out at my car sitting in the driveway. “Are you okay? Is everything all right?”
After several seconds of fighting back old insecurities that were trying to slither their way through my subconscious, I finally found my voice. “Yeah, everything’s fine. Sorry, I should have called first. I was just wondering if we could talk.”
The unconditional love in his expression transformed him back into the father I’d grown up worshipping. He was the dad before lies and scandals and betrayals had torn our family apart. The pressure of my restrained tears almost crushed me.
How desperately I’d missed that man.
“Of course,” he said. “Come on in.”
I followed him into the kitchen where a bowl of cereal, a newspaper, and a mug of coffee sat on the small wooden table. The room was so bare. There were no special, personal touches that I was used to seeing in my mom’s kitchen. I looked around and all I saw was the bare minimum of everything. Nothing like how he’d lived when we had still been a family.
Thirty seconds through the door, and I was already close to sobbing.
“Can I get you some coffee?”
“Sure.”
I sat down in one of the two chairs at the table, offering me a glimpse into the living room. What I saw displayed on a side table by the couch made the crack in my heart grow wider.
Pictures of me and Drake.
Me in my cheerleading uniform, Drake in his Oklahoma football uniform. The one in the front was of me, Drake, and Dad at an Atlanta Falcons game when I was nine. I thought about him sitting in his recliner, seeing those pictures every day. Then I changed gears in my head, diverting from the line of questioning I’d prepared during the drive.
“Why didn’t it work out between you and Janine?”
Another tidbit he’d mentioned in one of his emails about four years ago was that he and Janine had split up, and she’d moved out. At the time, I’d been strangely numb to the news. He’d cheated on Mom, humiliated our family, and destroyed his relationships with his children…all for nothing.
He froze halfway to the table, his wide eyes flying to mine. After recovering and setting my coffee down, he sat down in his chair, looking thoughtful.
“Honestly, Sam? Because we were trying to force something that was never there to begin with. We gave into lust and thought it was love. It wasn’t.”
I appreciated that he wasn’t trying to handle me with kid gloves. He recognized that I was an adult now, and I deserved the truth without any sugarcoating.
“Did you ever love Mom?”
Wasn’t that one of the hardest things to accept in life? That your own parents didn’t love each other? It made you wonder how anyone anywhere ever found love and made it last.
He rubbed his hand over his graying facial hair. “Yes, I did love her. I still do. But I’ve learned over the years that loving someone and being in love with them are two entirely different things.”
It was like he’d peered inside my own mind—my soul—and plucked those same exact words from my head. I’d been contemplating that same dynamic since my days with Trent.
“I wish I felt that way about your mom, but I never did. I went looking for that feeling with Janine. Thought I found it—true love or whatever you want to call it—so I chased it.” He shrugged. “And it wasn’t what I thought.”
I tapped my finger against the porcelain of my coffee mug. I still hadn’t taken a drink.
“But the feelings were strong enough to leave your entire life behind for her.”
He shifted his gaze to the floor, as if he were too ashamed to look me in the eyes. “I’ll never be able to express how much I regret hurting you three. I hate that I chose to handle things the way I did. Hate that I left in that way. But I can’t say that if I’d stayed, we still wouldn’t have gotten a divorce at some point.”
“You were that unhappy?”
His gaze rose back to mine. He lifted his hand, looking like he wanted to reach for me, but he lowered it to the table instead. “It’s not that I was unhappy, Sam. Being around you and Drake gave me so much joy. You two were my life from the second you were born. It’s just…” He sighed. “If I’d stayed with your mom, I probably would have been content. Getting to spend time with you guys every day and remaining a family would have given me enough happiness to spend the rest of my days in Mason with your mom. But in a way, it would have felt like I was living a lie.”
Did that mean that all the memories I had of us having fun together, laughing and smiling, were all lies? Had he been faking being happy even then? When we went to Falcons games together or when he taught me how to throw a spiral?
No.
If there was one thing I’d always known it was that he loved me and Drake. He’d never given up on trying to repair our relationship. I had to remember that he didn’t leave because he didn’t love me.
“Did you ever think about going back to Mom after you and Janine broke up?”
“I did, briefly. But that would have only made everything worse, and I couldn’t do that to her or to you. I’d already done enough damage. Everyone in town made up their minds about me long ago. There was no future for me in Mason after I left.”
I remembered how everyone had shunned him at Mrs. Canton’s funeral. The only person who had actually talked to him that day was Trent’s dad because they’d always been friends. I’d made sure he hadn’t gone anywhere near Mom. She’d already been hurting enough.
He’s right. The people of Mason wouldn’t be accepting my father back into their community anytime soon.
“But you’re alone here,” I pointed out. “Are you actually happy now?”
He shrugged. “Again, I’m not unhappy. And I still hope to find love again. I certainly hope your mom does. She deserves to find someone who will finally treat her right, like she deserves.”
I’d been telling her the exact same thing for years.
“Sam, I need you to understand that I never wanted to leave you and Drake.”
I watched in utter shock as tears rolled down my father’s face.
I’d never seen him cry before. Not once.
“I’ll always hate myself for what I did because it took you guys from me. I screwed up in the worst possible way. I know that. But I just want to be in your life. Somehow. I want to be there when you graduate college. I want to walk you down the aisle when you get married. I—” He choked up a little. “I want to see you become a mom. And I’d really like to know my gra
ndchildren. I’m just so sorry for everything.”
That moment was a defining one for me. Seeing the man I’d once thought of as my hero break down into tears with apologies spilling from his lips altered my perception of him.
He was only human, just like me.
And like everyone else, including me, he’d made mistakes and regretted them. He was remorseful. As humans, we all dealt with the same kinds of problems, we asked ourselves the same types of questions.
My God, I could actually relate to this man now.
That revelation welcomed…relief.
I placed my hand over his. Our tearful gazes connected. “I want you in my life, too, Dad. And I forgive you.”
For the entire drive back to Gainesville, I thought about my situation with Kade and what my Dad said. The lust between Kade and I had never been in question. It was strong, it was powerful, and it was certainly still present. But were we like Dad and Janine, forcing something that wasn’t there? Was it mere lust driving our relationship instead of love, even if it was an unspoken love?
No. I knew lust. I’d felt it in the beginning with Trent. It had always been there with Kade. I’d even felt it recently with Heath.
Kade and I were more than that.
Our connection went far deeper than physical attraction or friendly affection. It always had.
Dad had also compared contentment to happiness. I knew the difference between those feelings. Once upon a time, I had been content with Trent. Had I stayed in Mason and married him, we probably could have had a decent life together, one I would have been content with. Like Dad had been with Mom.
But contentment could so easily and so quickly lead to unhappiness.
Kade was a different story.
I knew what I felt when I was with him was pure happiness and joy.
I mean, duh. Of course, he made me happy. That had never been in doubt.
Not to mention it would be nice to finally not be at war with myself around him. Being around Kade was never a hardship, but it hadn’t always been easy. Between Trent and Robyn… I was always arguing with my own conscience when it came to him.
So, what if I didn’t have to fight myself anymore? What if we were free to indulge in our desires? Was that worth risking our entire friendship over? What if we broke up and could never recover from it? Could I survive it if our entire relationship was left in tatters?
No, I couldn’t.
And that scared the hell out of me.
But like Kade said, it was all or nothing.
I had to make a decision.
If I didn’t choose him, I had to say goodbye forever.
I slammed my foot down on the accelerator.
Looked like I had another stop to make on my way home.
Chapter Thirty-Five
“Feel Like Makin’ Love”
by Bad Company
Sam
I climbed the steps to Kade’s apartment on shaky legs, my whole body trembling with nerves.
We hadn’t spoken since last night in my dorm. Geez, had that only been last night? I’d driven a total of ten hours in the past twenty-four, and I needed sleep before I collapsed. But as exhausted as I was, I still wouldn’t be able to achieve slumber until things were settled between us.
So many different scenarios of how wrong this could go played out in my head in the span of thirty seconds. Fighting to ignore them all, I lifted my hand to knock when the apartment door was pulled inward.
“Jesus!” Isaac, Kade’s roommate, shouted when he almost ploughed right over me. “Sam, you scared the shit out of me.”
“Sorry. Is Kade here…?” I trailed off when I got a glimpse of him through the open doorway, standing at the end of the hall near his bedroom, staring right at me.
I saw Isaac out of the corner of my eye looking back and forth between us. “Okay, yeah. Not sure what’s going on here, but I’m gonna head out. Got a girl of my own to see.”
I barely noticed his exit down the stairs, all of my focus on Kade. His initial shock at seeing me had disappeared. Now, all I could read in his expression was…curiosity. And wary intensity. I could tell he was guarding his emotions because he didn’t trust I was about to deliver good news.
Allow me to put your mind at ease.
Realizing that I’d have to be the one to speak first, I girded my lady loins and bolstered some courage. “I’m not choosing you.”
No preambles, no bullshit.
His expression darkened.
“Because there was never a choice to be made. It’s always been you, Kade. Just you.”
His features started to soften but then froze, like he was controlling his reaction. “Heath?”
“I ended it with him.”
I’d handled that over the phone on my way back.
“What about all that fate and the universe keeping us apart stuff?”
I shrugged. “Screw fate.”
Unadulterated lust flared in his eyes. “You want me?”
I swallowed around the lump in my throat, nodding.
“Say it,” he demanded.
“I want you, Kade. So much I can’t stand it. I’ve always wanted you.”
He was halfway across the apartment before I could force my jelly legs to move. We met in a breathless melding of bodies, my hands reaching for his face as his arms banded around my back and lifted me off my feet. His lips crashed against mine, his tongue plunging deep inside. We both moaned, the throaty sounds full of desperate need.
It was as if the thread of his control had finally snapped. He was taking whatever he wanted, knowing he no longer had to ask for permission. I wrapped my legs around his waist as he kicked the front door closed and slammed me up against it.
Ohmigod.
His mouth was fucking ravenous.
I’d never been kissed so hungrily, so thoroughly.
His hands flew over me, pulling me closer everywhere our bodies could touch. His finger caught the strap of my tank top as he was shoving my flannel shirt off, tearing the material from my shoulder in his frenzy. Without pausing, he ripped the rest of the tank all the way down the middle and threw the white scraps to the floor.
It was carnal.
It was animalistic.
It was fucking magnificent.
My panties were soaked at that display of unabashed strength. Desperation. I’d never had a man need me so much. Hell, I’d never needed a man so much. So strongly I felt like I’d combust if he didn’t relieve this pressure building up inside me soon.
“I need you, Sam,” he muttered against my neck. “So fucking bad.”
The urgency in his voice shot heat straight to my center. His deft hands worked my jeans open, pushing them down my hips.
“Me, too.”
I tore his shirt off over his head, revealing his ripped torso that was scattered with tattoos. My mouth found his neck, my tongue snaking out. When I nipped the skin with my teeth, he roared and yanked down the cups of my bra. He buried his face in my cleavage, groaning in pleasure.
“No, now. I gotta be inside you right now or I’m gonna fucking explode.” His words were rushed and running together.
He was close to his breaking point.
“Yes. Do it.”
My fingers fumbled with the button and zipper of his jeans while he bent down, his mouth latching onto my nipple. My fingers suddenly forgot their task.
“Oh, God.”
He moaned against my breast, his tongue laving over the puckered flesh, his open mouth sucking until his cheeks hollowed out. Arousal pooled between my legs as he worked my other breast with his hand, twisting the nipple between his fingers.
“Are you dripping for me yet?”
His breaths came out in heavy pants as he feasted on my breasts.
“Find out for yourself.”
With a fierce growl, he tore his mouth off me and shoved my jeans and panties the rest of the way off. As my bare mound was revealed to him for the first time, I swear his dilated pupils swallow
ed up every bit of hazel iris. Those black eyes rolled over and closed when he reached forward and caressed me, his fingers sliding over my slick folds, spreading my wetness along my slit.
There was a sense of reverence in his petting of me.
It made me feel…cherished.
“Jesus Christ,” he rasped. “This is what I’ve been denied for so fucking long. This is what I couldn’t have. But not for one more goddamn second. It’s mine now.”
He shoved two fingers up into me.
We both cried out at the new sensation.
“Kade.”
“Fuck, that’s gonna feel so good around my cock.”
He sealed his lips over mine, kissing and fingering me until I was at the mercy of my rising climax. My fingers pulled hard on his hair when he crooked his fingers and hit my G-spot. As high as I already was, he didn’t have much work to do. As soon as his thumb put the slightest pressure on my clit, I was taking that plunge and barreling through an earth-shattering orgasm.
“That’s it, come for me.”
It was a command—a demand.
His fingers didn’t let up for a second.
“I hope you’re ready for what’s about to happen. Because that was just the first of many.”
I was still catching my breath when he gently pulled his fingers out, allowing me to reach for his jeans and push them all the way off.
Then I froze.
His briefs were riding just below the patch of dark hair above his manhood. What had me pausing was the size of the bulge jutting out beneath the waistband of those briefs. With careful fingers, I slowly pulled the material down and released his straining, rock hard shaft.
“You’ve got to be kidding me. How did I not know how big you are?”
Seriously. He was massive. Thick girth, long length. It was going to completely fill me.
If it even fits.
“How did I not know how sweet your pussy is?”
His voice sounded pained and no wonder. I thought I’d been hurting but damn. The poor guy had been dealing with this beast the whole time.
“Touch me, Sam. Please. You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to feel your hand on me.”
The Unforgettable Kind Page 21