by Hollye Davis
But she could never do that to Aunt who meant so much to her. Aunt would blame herself for the whole thing and Chloe couldn’t allow that to happen. So she stayed at the place that held all these painful memories.
Despite the constant ache of not having Edwin, the beach brought a peace to her through the salty air and constant rhythm of the waves. She walked slowly searching for another sand dollar to add to her collection. She needed one to know she would be okay.
As usual she wasn’t paying attention and when a hand reached out to stop her, she screamed. Christoph walked around grabbing hold of her arms she assumed to stop her from falling or running. It was so reminiscent of when they had first met it brought tears to her eyes.
She quickly brushed them away and said, “Hey, Christoph.”
“Hey, Chloe.” He dropped his hands and stepped along side of her. “How are you doing?” he asked softly.
“Oh peachy, and yourself?”
“Chloe, I’m sor..” he started but she stopped him. If she heard that word one more time she was going to do serious harm.
“Christoph, there’s no need. There’s no need for you to be here.”
“Yes, there is. There is a definitely a need for me to be here. We all care for you Chloe, you can’t just shut that off.”
“I sure as hell can try, Christoph. Or is that your real name? I never really checked into that…hospital and all,” she eyed him meanly and almost regretted it as his eyes instantly filled with pain.
“That’s my real name. Edwin is Jason’s real name too. It’s what his close friends call him.”
She ignored that. “The thing is that I was always honest with y’all. I didn’t try to deceive you for some selfish reasons.”
Christoph put his hand through his hair and said, “Chloe, it’s not like that. It’s not easy being us, you can’t possibly understand. When you came along we were all so jaded. We thought everyone was after something. Then we met you and, wow, it was like a breath of fresh air. You didn’t have a clue who we were and we could be ourselves with someone normal.”
“Don’t you get it, Christoph, I’m NOT normal and you exploited that. You made friendship dirty to fulfill some need.”
“Didn’t you use our friendship to fulfill some need, Chloe? Isn’t friendship a need to be friends? If I remember correctly you had to be one of the loneliest girls we’d ever seen. You locked yourself out here never going or seeing anything! Didn’t you use us?”
“Call it what you like, maybe I did use you, but I’m done. I’m through; I have no use for you now.”
He stepped in front of her, his hands in fists, “Yes, you do! You need us as much as we need you! Edwin needs you, Chloe.”
She choked a sob out, “No, he doesn’t. He has plenty of replacements.”
“No, you don’t Chloe, don’t you think for one second Edwin isn’t suffering right now. Do you know where he was last night?!”
“Obviously not,” she answered harshly, her heart squeezing painfully at the thought of him finding solace with another woman…with Victoria.
“I had to get him from a bar where he got himself so drunk he could hardly walk. Edwin doesn’t drink, ever. His mother was an alcoholic and committed suicide.”
Chloe gazed off to the ocean, Edwin said they were broken apart and together they were whole. She didn’t want to hurt anyone.
“Why are you telling me this?” She asked.
“Because this is real for him, you are it for him. He has said it a dozen times but I just thought he was over stating his feelings to keep me at bay. But no, he would give up everything just to spend another minute with you. You can’t give up on something like that.”
Another sob broke through, then another in synch with the waves crashing to the shore. She was crying so hard that Christoph held her as she melted down to her knees.
“Oh God, Chloe, please forgive us. Please give Edwin a chance.”
“I can’t Christoph…I just can’t. You guys meant everything to me and it was all lies. I hadn’t had friends in so long, I thought I was flawed. I met you guys and you didn’t think I was a loser. But as it turns out I was some loser, some weird chick who didn’t recognize you and you thought it was cool. Well it’s over now, so go on and live your own lives. Find someone else who has lived under a rock, if that is possible.” Dislodging herself from his grasp she stood back up. “I get sick just thinking how many times Edwin lied to me about his obligations.”
She reached behind her neck and removed the necklace that hadn’t been removed since the day Edwin gave it to her. She held it out to Christoph to take but he shook his head.
“It’ll kill him if I show up with that. I don’t think you understand. Edwin is at his end.”
Chloe reached over and stuffed it in his shirt pocket, “Do what you like with it but I can’t have it on me or near me. In order for me to get over this, I need to make a clean break. I can’t see you anymore, Christoph, any of you. Edwin will be fine, he can act his way out of this,” She said unfairly, turning and fled.
She barely made it back to the cottage as the walk and the conversation had taken a toll on her. She was so weak. She crawled into her bed and fell instantly asleep. When she woke again it was dark outside.
She was awake long enough to take another long bath and went back to bed. She avoided going outside afraid that the fire would be blazing. She wanted to avoid her life and sleep was the best way to do that.
Sometimes I sit and force myself to think about the cold nights of Germany. The loneliness I felt and ache that was my constant companion. I never thought I would compare that pain to any point in my life and it would not win as the worst moments, but now when I think a life without Edwin and the pain he inflicted upon me, Germany seems a mild inconvenience. – Chloe’s Diary
Chapter 12
Desperate feelings
She didn’t want to get out of bed mentally but her body screamed she had rested enough, mainly her stomach clawed at her telling her she had to eat something. She hadn’t eaten anything substantial in a very long time.
Rising from the bed she padded into the empty kitchen to choke down some raw bread. The only thing her stomach didn’t fight to bring back up.
Plopping down at the kitchen table breaking off pieces of the bread was when she decided to go and see Bear. She needed to touch and feel something that wasn’t a lie. She put her half-eaten piece of bread on the table, got up and got dressed.
Cole spotted her as soon as she entered the stable doors. She really didn’t want to see any human but Cole had done nothing wrong, snubbing him would be rude.
“How are you doing, sweetie?”
“I’m doing better,” she answered honestly.
“Good.”
“How’s Bear?”
“Oh he’s as fat and happy as any horse that doesn’t have to work for his oats.”
“You know I’ve been sick,” she said defensively.
“I know, sweetheart, I was teasing,” he put his hand on her shoulder, “I try to ride him to keep him fresh for you,”
“I appreciate that,” she laid her hand on his chest, “You’re a good friend, Cole.” His eyes shined with fondness.
Dropping her hand, she turned and walked over to Bear’s stall, entered it, and sat down on the fresh wood shavings. Bear was so beautiful with his shiny black hair. Sometimes when the light hit his coat just right it would shine blue. She had no comprehension of time as she stared at her beautiful horse watching the light play off his shiny coat.
“Is she here?” A voice sounded not far from the stall. Chloe’s heart stopped. It was Edwin.
“No.” Cole said. She scooted up further into the corner trying to keep out of sight; thankful Cole lied for her.
“Don’t lie to me, I saw her golf cart,” Edwin said harshly.
“The battery died, she walked back.” Cole lied again.
“Damn. I was hoping,” Edwin said in a low voice.
“She
doesn’t want to see you, Edwin, why don’t you give up?”
“I’m sure you would like that Cole, that way you could take a crack at her then.”
“Don’t be crude Edwin or should I say Jason. I’m not the one who lied to her.”
“Damn it all.” She heard someone sit down.
“You look awful, Edwin. Maybe you should go home and take a shower.”
“I don’t care what I look like, I just want her back,” Edwin said. She imagined him running his hand through his hair as he always did when he was upset.
“Then why didn’t you tell her the truth, why did you wait until someone else did the dirty deed for you?”
“Because I was a selfish bastard who wanted it all. I wanted to be loved for ME, not some stupid character on a show.”
“She already loved you, that much is obvious. Why did you continue on with it?”
“Every time I was going to tell her something happened. First I had to finish that shooting in England, then her grandmother died, I never had a chance.”
“Are you telling her that in all that time you guys spent together you never had one opportunity to say ‘Hey, babe, um you might like to know that I am a mega superstar?’”
“You’re right. You’re so right.” There was a long pause, a rustling sound, then Edwin said, “If you see her, please tell her I’m sorry. I know it’s just stupid words but I don’t know how else to tell her.”
“Yeah, sure man. If it’s any comfort, she isn’t doing too well either.”
“No, it’s not any comfort. I don’t want her to suffer. She has had enough in her life. I never wanted her to find out this way. I never meant it to go on so long, I was going to tell her, I swear. Just know this, Cole, I’ll never give up on her. She’s who I’m supposed to be with.”
There was a pause and Cole said softly, “I know.”
Chloe waited until she heard departing footsteps to melt down and cry. By the time Cole found her she was crying uncontrollably. He hefted her up and cradled her tight in his arms, “Oh, baby, it’s going to be all right. Everything is going to be all right.” No, she thought, no, it would never be all right again.
After a terribly long loss of composure, Chloe disengaged from him.
“I’m sorry, it’s so hard being away from him. I love him so much, but how can I forgive such a huge lie?” Cole didn’t answer, how could he, how could anyone? She brushed the wood chips off her clothes, stood, and walked to the bathroom preparing herself for the drive home.
Looking in the mirror and her terribly unattractive red nose, she realized she didn’t want to go back to the cottage. The problem was the cottage no longer held any appeal since it was drenched with memories of him, his friends, and a life she thought she had.
“All lies,” she whispered to her image. One last look at her puffy red eyes and she turned the handle and walked out of the bathroom, out of the stable, and into her golf cart.
Where to go? She wondered. Finally she pressed the gas pedal initiating its motion and turned in the direction of the grocery store, the opposite direction of the cottage.
When she opened the door to the grocery store, she was relieved to find a little old lady at the counter instead of fat Earl.
Chloe walked aimlessly isle to isle looking absently at the boxes and cans of food. There really wasn’t anything she needed, except to waste time. She stopped at the magazine section for a moment gazing at the bright display of news headlines.
The one lesson she learned out of this whole painful break-up with Edwin is she really needed to get a grip and start paying attention to what was going on in the current world.
A good place to start was right here, right now. Unfortunately magazines had never held her interest. Articles about waxing eyebrows seemed trivial compared to dealing with not having a jacket in Germany. But she needed to get over her past, she needed to move forward and stop shutting off the world around her.
A brightly colored magazine with fluorescent print hiding behind another magazine caught her attention. She pulled the front magazine up and saw, “Jason McRoy exclusive interview” written in bold letters. She slid the magazine out further to find a full size picture of Edwin on the cover.
Her heart slammed into her chest and she let go of the magazine, dropping it back in its slot as if it burned her.
She rubbed her forehead, what a complete and total idiot she had been. The truth was everywhere around her but she had been too self-absorbed to pay attention.
Gathering her courage, she shakily pulled the magazine back out and stared at the cover. He was gorgeous, his blue eyes so familiar to her made her heart pound. She flipped to the page indicated on the cover finding another full-sized-folded poster of Edwin stuck in the centerfold. Oh God, he was so beautiful and he had been hers. A tear plopped on the page and she hurriedly wiped it off not wanting to ruin it.
She was going to turn to the next page when someone near her said harshly, “This is not a lending library, either buy or get out.”
She looked up to see the old lady that was formerly behind the counter standing next her with an impressive scowl. Geez where did Uncle Earl train his employees? Rude Incorporated? Chloe glared back at her and then she walked past the old lady to slap the magazine down on the counter. She pulled out a few dollars she hoarded for emergencies and slapped them down, too.
Picking up the magazine, she left the grocery store broodingly. Once she plopped back down on the golf cart she looked at the magazine again not sure what she was going to do with it. She didn’t want Aunt to find out she bought a teen magazine about her boyfriend - it seemed desperate. So she stuffed the magazine in the back of her pants to rest on the small of her back using her shirt to cover it up.
When she arrived at the cottage she went straight to her room locking the door. It seemed extreme for such a little magazine but she needed to do this on her own.
She pulled the magazine out and placed it on the bed. Edwin was smiling at her and it bothered her. It was as if he was looking accusingly at her, as if she was the one who lied. She flipped open the magazine, touching it with only her fingertips because irrationally she thought touching it fully would somehow burn her.
When she made it to his interview, she read it out loud: “Jason’s favorite things and what he looks for in a girlfriend.” She laughed harshly.
She flipped back to the front of the magazine to see the date was current. She went back to the article and began reading.
TM :What are some of your favorite things?
JM:One of my favorite things is to come home to a well-made home-cooked meal. I know someone who cooks the most delightful meals and to watch her prepare them fills me with contentment like no other. I also love to dance. Someone very special told me that she liked to dance because she didn’t have to think to do it. That it (dancing) could be simple or as complicated as she liked. I feel the same way. When I dance all I feel is my partner in my hands and the music, I don’t have to think about work or any of the things that are complicated.
I have also discovered something new. I have gotten into horseback riding on the beach. It is unlike anything in the world to be on a powerful animal next to the person you love riding as fast as your horse will take you.
TM: You speak of love, what are some things that you look for in a girlfriend?
JM:I look for someone who is real. A person who may not think she is perfect, but she is to me. Who likes to do all the things I already mentioned. A girl who I can lay with at night and read a book without a word spoken between us and it is the most perfect night of my life. Someone I can bury my head into her neck and it feels like coming home.
TM:You sound like you are in love. Do you have a girlfriend?
JM:I like to keep my private life private.
TM: A lot of magazines speculate that Victoria is your girlfriend. How do you feel about this?
JM:Victoria is just a co-worker and because the script has us as lovers on our show, peop
le like to think it continues into our personal lives. The truth is that Victoria and I rarely see each other outside the studio. She hangs out with completely different friends.
The interview continued but Chloe put down the magazine suddenly realizing it wasn’t healthy. She felt sleazy and disgusted as if she was ease-dropping on Edwin. It was pathetic. She stuffed the magazine between her mattresses. Laying back down on her bed she stared at the ceiling. Tomorrow was school.
Like a viral disease I must purge all memories to move forward. There was no need to laze about in self-pity when actions can solve all problems. If only I could purge the pain as well, but I suspect time will take care of that. –Chloe’s Diary
Chapter 13
Purging Edwin
She didn’t sleep at all. When the light finally emerged through a slit in her curtains she rose to take a long hot shower. She slowly got dressed and went out to the kitchen. Aunt was sitting at the glass table.
“You don’t have to go to school today if you don’t want to. You’ve had a lot to deal with the last couple of weeks.”
The offer to stay home was tempting but she had to refuse.
“If I don’t go to school my grades will suffer. Won’t get into college,” Chloe answered grumpily grabbing a box of cereal.
“Your grades are great, I’m sure we can make arrangements with your teachers.”
Chloe snorted. “You haven’t met my teachers, they don’t like excuses.”
“Well I am sure you know what you are doing but if you decide that you want to come back home, just give me a call. Do you have your phone on you?”
She sighed. She didn’t want to carry anything that reminded her of Edwin and the phone did. Aunt was right though, she needed it. She went back to her room and pulled it out of her sock drawer. It still had the sand dollar charm hanging from it. She took the charm off and dropped it on her dresser. She would find something to do with that later.
Aunt watched her worriedly as Chloe packed her lunch. Finally ready, she bent down and kissed her aunt on the cheek.