by Pepper Pace
Carmella sighed. “But what do you want? I know you want something. I know that you aren’t doing this for me. And I can’t trust you until you tell me what you’re getting out of this. What is it that you want?!”
“I want to be human,” he said.
Carmella didn’t see that answer coming.
“I want to know what it’s like to be a man, okay?” His brow furrowed and his skin turned pale purple. “I want what a human wants, except that I’m not supposed to want those things because I’m Centaurian. I’m supposed to want to be a dignitary, a lawmaker, a leader. My peers were humans, not Centaurians, so I never learned to want what my own kind wants. I learned that I was a human inside but an alien—a Blob--outside.”
Carmella placed her fists on the tabletop. “You can’t force me into the role of your wife or girlfriend or whatever the fuck you think I’m supposed to be! I’m not going to be that!”
Bilal shook his head. “No. I don’t expect that.”
“Then what do you expect?”
“I don’t have any expectations. I’m happy that you allow me to see how you live and to let me be a part of it in some small way.” He sighed. “I don’t fit in. I know that. So I come to Earth and try to absorb a world that I was never meant to be a part of.” He shook his head. “I don’t have a world. I don’t have a place. But when I’m here, when I’m on Earth, I feel at home. Even though I’m not human, this is my Earth, too.”
Carmella rubbed her face. “Okay. This is hard because I don’t remember how to share my life. And I’m not sure if I want to. But I don’t have a choice. You’re here and you aren’t going anywhere for a long time.”
“It doesn’t have to be horrible,” he said softly.
She clenched her lips. “When someone takes your choices away from you, then you can speak to me about it. In the meantime, just … move into your new room.”
“My what?”
“Upstairs. There are no lights down in the basement at night, and I don’t want you burning up the house with a kerosene lantern. And I don’t plan on walking down those steps each night just to check on it! So you can move upstairs into one of the spare rooms. And later you can get up with the … the baby at night.”
“Yes. I will do that.” He nodded enthusiastically.
Carmella showed him to a nice bedroom upstairs. It was nearly as large as her master bedroom. Bilal liked it much better than the basement because there was plenty of sunlight and a real bed. Carmella helped him put fresh sheets on it and tried to dust and clean before he shooed her out and suggested she lay down and nap for a while.
She gladly took his suggestion. She had skipped her midday nap and was exhausted, and the life inside of her was restless and kept moving. This pregnancy felt much different than her previous one. Her belly was much bigger, and she was much more tired. She lay down with a yawn and was asleep before her body had completely relaxed.
Carmella knew that she was dreaming because she was still on the outskirts of sleep. She was aware of her body relaxing in bed at the same time her dream self was in the bathroom washing Bilal’s body with a soapy washcloth.
Bilal pushed his wet hair behind his ears and sat with his arms wrapped around his knees in contentment as she washed him. The washcloth moved over his toned body, and she marveled at the sight of tendons and muscles beneath his skin.
Carmella dropped the washcloth and allowed her fingertips to touch his warm skin. Skin, the touch of another … She sighed softly then plastered her hands onto his back. Bilal looked at her, meeting her eyes. She couldn’t take hers from the sight of his slanted lids which slightly obscured the dark orbs of his eyes.
She reached out and ran her fingers along his cheek and felt a rugged growth of beard. God, how she missed rubbing her face against the fuzz of a man’s beard! And not just that—she missed touching. She wanted to touch someone. She wanted to be touched.
Carmella awoke with a jolt. The sun had dropped low in the sky, and though she would have sworn she had only been asleep a few moments, she knew it was more like a few hours. She rubbed her fingertips over her thumb as if she could still feel Bilal’s phantom skin from her dream. She climbed out of bed, left her bedroom, and went to Bilal’s new room but he wasn’t there. She went downstairs and heard sounds in the kitchen.
He had already washed dishes and was staring at two cans of soup. “Carmella?” he asked when he saw her.
She didn’t answer. She walked forward until she was a foot in front of him, reached out slowly, and touched his cheek. She exhaled in anguish then raised both hands and cradled his cheeks while looking deeply into his eyes. “You’re … real? You’re not a dream?”
Bilal placed his hands gently over hers. “I’m real.”
Tears fell down her cheeks. “Okay. Will you touch me? Please?”
He nodded and used his thumb to swipe away her tears. He closed the space between them, gathered her into his arms, and held her tightly against his body.
Carmella shuddered but soon the shudders became quakes. She was shaking like a leaf while tears streamed down her face. She clutched Bilal, clinging to him desperately. Bilal felt his throat constrict. He squeezed his eyes closed and tried to breathe. It was hard to do because his chest felt tight and his skin felt hot. Tears slid from his eyes and down his cheeks.
He was crying.
Bilal was stunned. He had never cried before. Centaurians couldn’t cry. But it was unmistakable. His body shuddered, and a horrid croak escaped his throat. It was horrible and hurt his heart. How did he make it stop?
What was this feeling?
Chapter 18
~Asking for Help~
Carmella pulled back and wiped her eyes. She was about to apologize and blame it on her hormones when she saw tears sliding down Bilal’s face.
He’s crying, she thought. Is he crying for me? Or did he … Carmella staggered backwards as it all became clear to her. He had emotions that were no less heartfelt than hers or any other human’s. Bilal was hurting, and it was because of her. Dear God, she had humanized a wolf but couldn’t see that a talking, thinking being was worthy of the same consideration. Though Bilal was not born a human, he had the capacity for compassion and for pain and for … forgiveness.
Bilal had ducked his head and turned his back to her as he swiped the tears from his eyes.
Carmella reached out and placed her hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, Bilal. I’m so sorry. I’ve been wrong in how I’ve treated you, and I feel horrible about it.”
“Carmella? I don’t understand.”
“I’ve treated you badly, and you didn’t deserve it. Will you accept my apology?”
Bilal didn’t expect to be treated in any way other than the way he’d been treated. He had never perceived himself as being mistreated because he understood that Carmella hated him, and rightfully so. He had been a disruption to her life. Centaurians had disrupted her entire world.
He shook his head slightly. “You don’t need to apologize to me. You’ve done nothing wrong, Carmella. You’ve reacted to me based on everything that you’ve lost.”
She grimaced. His kindness was unfathomable. It would be nice having him around, and that lifted her heart and made her smile.
He stopped talking as he watched the display of emotions cross her face. Human emotions were so easily displayed by a slight shifting of muscles beneath the skin. Centaurians showed their emotion through the change of color within their skin. He’d been disappointed to see that his skin wasn’t the same color as other humans and that beneath it anyone could see his “emotions.” But now he didn’t care because he knew that his face could be as emotional as hers was. His lips pulled up into a smile, not because he made it do so, but from the sheer pleasure of watching her contagious smile.
“Friends?” she asked, not sure why she felt nervous.
“Do you want to be my friend?” Bilal asked.
“I haven’t had a friend in a decade. Yes, I would like very much to
be friends.” She shook her head. “It’s so much easier than being enemies.”
“I would like that, too.” Bilal’s smile grew.
~***~
Carmella sat on the couch with two pillows against her back and her legs crossed beneath her. She rubbed the top of her belly unconsciously.
Bilal put another log into the fireplace. “This wood won’t last all winter.”
“No. You’ll have to cut some before the weather gets bad.”
“When will that be?”
“It’s hard to say. Sometimes I’ve gotten my first snow by Halloween, and other times it’s November. But since I don’t like cutting wood in sub-zero temperatures, I usually have a good stack of wood by fall.”
He had seen her cutting wood. It didn’t look difficult, but neither did many of the things that had nearly broken his back over the last few weeks. He sat down on the couch opposite her. “Okay, so what else do you want to know about Centaurians?”
She blinked. Jody would have loved this. She decided she would pay tribute to her young husband’s memory by asking questions Jody might have asked. “Did Centaurians come to Earth for the purpose of teaching and learning?”
“Yes. We wanted to share knowledge. We didn’t think that we would only teach. We also wanted to learn.”
“What did you learn?”
“Lots! We learned how dynamic humans can be. Centaurians don’t express themselves in the same way.”
“What is your world like? It was destroyed, right?”
“Yes, a star collided with it. We knew that we only had three years to leave our planet—many weren’t able to. But our world was underwater, as you probably know. Some humans call it Atlantis, which is fine because you would not be able to speak or understand our language. There are images in the mother ship. I find them incredibly beautiful, but nothing can compare to the beauty of Earth. I’ve never known any other world. Earth is my home.”
Her back stiffened. “Mine, too, which is why I’ll die before I relocate to some planet masquerading as Earth.”
Bilal didn’t want her to become agitated. “Carmella, some Centaurians chose to die with our planet rather than relocate. We understand. The decision to remove the remaining humans from Earth was not a decision that I agreed with. I’ve fought to change the minds of my people. But they only think about what they believe to be the best for the humans.”
Bilal worried even more that Carmella would change her mind and go back to hating him again. He couldn’t stand the idea of being alone when being her friend was so nice.
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” she announced. She struggled to stand, and he helped her. “Get your coat, Bilal. It’s time for me to teach you how to cut wood.”
He didn’t tell her that he already knew how to cut wood.
He was just happy she didn’t say, “Get your coat and get out.”
~***~
Bilal found that he was wrong about Carmella’s intentions. She told him that he wasn’t able to use an ax yet or he’d open up the wound in his shoulder. Instead she had a much more horrible idea.
It was horrible in Bilal’s estimation.
She pulled out a chainsaw. Bilal found that he hated seeing her holding the scary, loud machine almost as much as he hated the way Wolf stared at him from across the yard when Carmella’s attention was averted. He’d seen a chainsaw in use and didn’t like them. It was in a movie where he’d seen a scary man chasing humans around with it. Lawrence had said it was supposed to scare the shit out of him or it wouldn’t be called a horror movie. Bilal had declined to watch the rest of it and generally shied away from horror movies.
“Carmella!” he shouted over the sound of the chainsaw motor. “I saw something that I think is a generator in the barn.”
Carmella let the chainsaw idle. “I haven’t tried to work that diesel generator in years.”
“Will it heat your home when it gets cold?” Bilal asked.
“It would if I could find diesel fuel or more kerosene,” Carmella replied. “That generator sucks fuel like a fish, and diesel fuel and kerosene are hard to find around here.” She pushed a dreadlock over her shoulder and scowled. “Sometimes it took me weeks to find enough fuel to last a few days. It’s just not worth the effort.”
“I will go out and find diesel fuel and kerosene.”
“What? What about the baby?”
“I would not leave until after the birth but before the first snow. I don’t believe the fireplace will be sufficient to keep the house warm enough for an infant. When I find more fuel, we can utilize the generator on the coldest days and the wood to maintain the warmth.”
“You’re not going to find any, not around here.”
“I will search,” Bilal said.
Carmella stared at the wood. “Okay, I guess.” She had worried about the firewood situation and knew she didn’t have enough cut, split, and seasoned. “But how will you know where to look and what to look for?”
“Carmella, I’ve been traveling the face of Earth for years. It is what I do.”
She smiled. That made two of them.
That night when she went to bed she snuggled under her blankets and felt contentment.
Bilal slipped beneath the sheets and sighed as his body relaxed.
This was nice indeed.
~***~
The next few days allowed the two to become better acquainted and more comfortable with each other.
Carmella didn’t like complaining. She had been doing everything on her own for so long that she didn’t know how to ask for help, but as the days progressed, the pain of her belly splitting became incredibly intense. Her human body wasn’t accustomed to the rapid growth of the baby, and the baby was enormous. It was as if she carried twins.
Some days she would squat to pee in her slop bucket and pain would stab up from her groin to grip her belly. Sometimes she would stand at the sink and feel as if she’d explode if she took one more breath. There were times she could barely rise from the couch or a chair.
One morning a week after she and Bilal had become friends, Carmella awoke and sat up in bed. She swung her legs over the edge, but when she tried to stand a searing pain shot across her belly.
Gasping, she braced herself against the bed and froze, waiting for the pain to subside.
It didn’t let up.
A moment later she felt wetness between her legs. She reached down because it felt thick and sticky.
“Bilal!” she screamed.
Her fingers were covered in blood.
~***~
Bilal had been up for a while. He’d already gone out to collect the eggs and milk the cow. He kept a careful eye pealed for the wolves. He still didn’t trust them. Once he’d looked up from milking the cow to see the big wolf standing in the doorway watching him. Bilal had to stand up and loudly shoo him away.
Bilal brought the eggs to a basket on the counter and poured the milk into a bowl he covered with cheesecloth. He knew that Carmella would later whip it into butter and bake bread. He loved watching her transform unappetizing items into delicious meals.
When he grabbed the water pail, he heard Carmella stirring in her bedroom. He heard her gasp and froze, cocking his head. He headed for the stairs and was halfway up when he heard her scream. He dropped the empty pail and took the remaining stairs two at a time.
“Carmella!”
He burst through her bedroom door to find her bent over and holding her belly with one hand while staring at her other, bloody hand, her gown blood-stained.
She looked at him with panic in her brown eyes. “Help me.”
Chapter 19
~Baby~
Bilal didn’t think—he reacted.
He scooped her up in his arms and placed her gently on the bed.
“Is something wrong with the baby?” Carmella tried to sit up, but a sharp pain gripped her, she gasped, and she fell back onto the bed, her face twisting in pain.
Bilal’s normally ca
lm face was stitched in concern. Although she couldn’t see it, his hands trembled as he knelt on the floor beside her bed and pushed up the knee-length gown. He took in the way her belly ballooned out, stretched impossibly tight. Stretch marks marred her beautiful skin, and blood streamed out of her, matting the dark curls of her pubis.
This isn’t normal, he thought.
Carmella tensed and cried out in pain. She gripped the bed sheets, unmistakable terror in her eyes.
Bilal pressed his lips to her belly button. He was afraid as well but knew that Carmella shouldn’t see his fear. The baby was not due for three weeks. His lungs were underdeveloped even though he was already as big as a baby living outside of the womb for a month.
“It’s not supposed to be like this …” Carmella knew something was wrong. What if the baby didn’t make it because she had mentally distanced herself from it—him? He. Her son. Her child. Tears stung her eyes, but through them she saw Bilal do that strange thing with his mouth on her bellybutton. His hands splayed on each side of the swollen mound that was now her stomach. How could it be that only five months ago her stomach had been flat?
She tensed when he connected with her through his sensors. It wasn’t unpleasant, and soon the pain began to lessen. Her body relaxed, and she let out a held breath. She watched him, his long dark hair draped over her belly in silky wisps and relaxed even more. Somehow, she knew that Bilal would make it right.
When he looked up, his face seemed calm. “Better?” he asked.
She nodded. She felt better than she had in weeks. “Is he okay?”
“He’s sleeping.”
She felt a smile tugging at her lips.
“It’s you I’m worried about,” he said.
“Me?”
“Your pregnancy has progressed far too fast and for a child much too large for you to carry comfortably.” A shadow fell over his face. “This is my fault. I never considered the size of the infant in conjunction with the … with you. And neither did the mother ship.” He leaned back on his heels, but one hand remained on her belly. “Carmella, I am going to have to take the baby early.”