by M. S. Parker
When I shuffled in, hands in my pockets, I thought he’d fallen asleep, and I was about ready to duck back out – and happy with it too – when his eyes opened.
“Bobby.”
His voice was weaker. Hollow, almost. My heart twisted as I remembered my mom sounding like that.
“Hey, Jake.”
He cocked an eyebrow. “Aren’t you going to lie like all the others and tell me how good I’m looking?”
“Why?” I frowned. “You look like shit.”
He laughed and for a moment, the pain left his face and he looked like the man I’d first met. “You know, that’s something I like about you, kid. You don’t pull punches. Nothing fake about you.”
I didn’t know about that, but I also didn’t see the point in lying and telling him he looked like roses, either. Why it would make anybody feel better to be told they look great when they’re obviously in pain? He knew the truth and I respected him too much to act like he didn’t.
“Have you heard?” Jake asked, his voice steadier now.
“Heard what?” Scowling, I moved deeper into the room.
He blew out a breath and lifted his eyes to the ceiling.
That just pissed me off. Everybody had come out of the room eyes downcast or faces set in a way that told me it would be asking for a fight to get in their way. But no one had said anything to me. A solid fist of ice settled in my gut.
“What in the hell is going on?”
Jake’s eyes came back to mine. “You want the good news first, or the bad news?”
“How about you just tell me?”
I nearly shouted it and, a moment later, a nurse appeared in the doorway.
Jake held up a hand when she approached me, the look on her face clearly saying she was going to throw me out on my ass.
“It’s okay,” he said, his voice falling into a soothing tone that seemed to work on just about everybody.
Everybody but me and Carly. A part of me wished it worked on me.
“The kid’s just upset.” He gave her a crooked smile and the nurse’s face softened, but when she looked at me, her eyes hardened.
“You’ll have to keep it down or leave. You can’t be upsetting my patient.”
After she left, I turned to glare at her patient. “How come the patients always get away with upsetting others?”
“Well, we’re the ones stuck here. You can leave.”
No, I couldn’t, actually, but I wasn’t about to explain that. Jake had managed to inspire something only a few others before him had ever gotten from me. Loyalty. It was that loyalty that made me ask again, softer this time. “What’s going on?”
“I’m paralyzed.” He gestured to the middle of his chest. “About mid-way down.”
All the air was suddenly sucked out of the room, and it was all I could do to stay on my feet.
Jake continued, “The good news? Turns out that paralysis is a decent pain-killer when it comes to terminal cancer.”
My eyes started to blur and I turned away. “You dumb fuck.”
“Bobby...”
I shook my head, staring at the wall. I couldn’t look at him. I’d lose it if I did.
“This wasn’t exactly how I planned on going out, kid. Stuck in a wheelchair, somebody having to help me in and out of bed, help me to the bathroom. I was already getting weaker, and I know I don’t have the strength to be able to do anything for myself now.”
I nodded, but still didn’t turn around. “That’s gotta suck for you, Superman. You’re not exactly the kind of man who likes other people doing stuff for him.”
“Yeah. I was already envisioning winning one of those wheelchair derby things.”
I couldn’t stop the words from coming out. “Dumb fuck.”
“You already said that.”
I turned and looked at him this time, a miserable ache in my chest.
“I need you to do me a favor.”
Nodding, I moved over toward the bed and grabbed a chair, hauling it closer before I sat down.
“Anything, man. Well, within reason.” I finally managed a game smile. “I don’t think I can get Beyonce to come dance for you or anything. Carly might be able to swing that, though.”
Jake snorted. “No, thanks. I had drinks with her, once. Nice girl, but I’m good.”
I gaped at him.
“Listen...” He fumbled with the remote for the bed and adjusted it so that he was sitting upright, staring me right in the eye. He still seemed terribly frail, but his gaze was as strong as ever. “I’ve seen how you look at Carly. I’ve seen how she looks at you. You feel something for her, don’t you?”
Blood rushed up to stain my cheeks red. I was supposed to be this tough, scary bastard, and I blushed because he asked me about Carly. I really hoped Ace hadn’t told Jake how he’d found us yesterday.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Don’t give me that shit,” Jake said, shaking his head. “Just answer the question. It’s either yes or no. And FYI, if it’s no, I’m going to get out of this bed and kick your ass, because I know you two had your tongues down each other’s throats when I...fell.”
Shit. Ace.
“Carly’s a big girl.” I stared at a point on the wall as I forced the words out.
“She is. And she’s got a heart that’s even bigger. But now...” He shook his head, closing his eyes. “She’s not in a good place, and this is going to twist her up even more. So, answer my question. Do you feel something for her?”
“I don’t know what I feel.” Shoving upright, I started to pace. “Women are easy for me, Jake. Or at least they were before. Carly’s...” I stopped at the window and stared out over the jewel-bright blanket that was Los Angeles at night. I sighed. “Carly’s different. Nothing about her is easy. Even the things that I want to be easy aren’t.”
“Good. It shouldn’t be.”
I looked at him over my shoulder and saw that he still had his eyes closed.
But he was smiling.
“Glad to know you’re amused by this,” I said dryly.
He cracked an eye open. “Oh, I’m not amused. But...well...” He shrugged with his good shoulder.
It was an odd gesture and I realized the movement was somewhat inhibited by the muscles he could no longer control. Fuck. I clenched my jaw. I hated seeing him like this. Guilt flooded me. If I hadn’t broken his arm, he might’ve been able to stop himself before...I swallowed hard, my eyes burning. I couldn’t think like that, not around him. He’d tell me it wasn’t my fault, but it wouldn’t make me feel any better.
“She’s not supposed to be like every other girl you’ve encountered. She’s unique. I want her to matter.”
“She does.”
That, at least, I knew.
He nodded. “Good. Then you’ll understand why I’m asking this.”
My heart skipped a beat when he turned his head and stared at me.
“I want you to wait.”
I frowned, not understanding. “Wait for what?”
His gaze moved back to the ceiling. “A few weeks after I’m six feet under, at least. Let her get through this. Let her mourn.”
There was a noise at the door. I whipped my head around and saw Ryan standing there.
“Hell, Jake,” he said, sounding irritated.
“What the fuck do you want me to do?” I demanded, ignoring Ryan and moving back toward Jake. I swore, unable to even think of the right way to describe what was happening between Carly and me. “You want me to act like it’s not there? Until, what? You die?”
“Yeah, that’s what I want. Because I am dying.” Jake struggled to sit up, shoving at Ryan when he came to offer assistance. His square jaw hard, he glared at me. “I’m the closest thing she has to a father, to a family, and I’m about to go toes up, kid. That’s going to gut her. If she matters to you, it would be nice if you were there for her and not just to fuck her. If you care–”
Now his voice broke and he looked away.
&n
bsp; Moments passed before he spoke again. “She’s going to need people around her, people who care, and I’m not just talking about her bodyguards or the girls she occasionally lets herself hang out with. You got to her from the first, Bobby. I think you could matter more than anybody. But right now, she’s going to need a friend, not a fuck buddy.” His eyes narrowed and he added, “And I get the feeling you’re going to need the same.”
“You owe him,” Ryan said quietly. “You owe him that much.”
I owed Jake more than any promise I could make, but this one, this one was almost more than I could take.
Almost.
It was knowing that it’d be best for Carly that made me nod my head, that made me promise to do as Jake had asked.
I would wait.
***
Carly straightened up and gave me her wickedest smile. “You make me hot too. You really think I want to give all of that up?”
I hoped she didn’t. I knew I didn’t.
But I had to do it.
Jake and Ryan were right.
“We’re going to wait six months,” I said gruffly.
She blinked, and then her smile turned into a scowl and a glare. “What?”
“If you really want me on this job, if...fuck.” I walked over to stand in front of the window, for once not seeing the magnificent view. “Things are going to be rough for a while. With Jake. How much I’ve got to learn. Everything. Once things settle down, if we’re still...”
“Crazy to fuck?” she suggested sweetly when I continued to fumble for words.
“I don’t just want to fuck you!” I snarled, turning to glare at her.
She blinked, looking caught off guard.
“You think you’re the only one who has trouble connecting to people?” Frustrated and getting embarrassed, I rubbed at the back of my neck. A headache had been brewing all day, and it had just exploded to massive proportions. “I don’t like people. I don’t want to like people, either. But you...you’re different. I don’t want to mess this up. If this...” I waved a hand between us. “If what we have is something that matters, then will six months make that big of difference?”
Chapter 12
She’s going to need a friend, not a fuck buddy.
That was what Jake had said to me.
Except, after I’d made it clear that I was going to stick with my decision, Carly had made it equally clear she didn’t want me for a friend, and I was relegated to nothing more than a bodyguard, one she spoke to only when she had to, which wasn’t often. It hurt, but I didn’t let it show. All of us were in enough pain as it was.
Jake had died three months – to the day – after he’d fallen.
Pneumonia had settled in and after a couple weeks of fighting to breathe, he was just gone.
He’d held on an extra day until he’d had a chance to tell Carly goodbye. She’d been gone on a short trip to a kid’s hospital in San Francisco, trying to keep busy, but when she’d heard he wasn’t doing well, she’d cut it short.
He’d smiled the moment she’d walked into his room. She’d sat with him for hours that night, and the next morning, I found him still. He’d had a smile on his face then too.
At that moment, I finally understood some fraction of the agony I’d put Dale through when I’d killed his brother. When I realized Jake was gone, I’d sunk to the floor and cried.
One of the other bodyguards had come in a few minutes later. Ridley had turned out to be as much of an asshole as I’d originally thought, so much so that he’d actually started to make a snide remark, but then he’d seen Jake and raised the alarm.
I’d gotten myself upright and mostly in control by the time everybody else had gotten into the room.
But the ache hadn’t gone away. It still wasn’t gone, and it had been more than a month since it had happened.
And Carly wasn’t helping things.
She’d disappeared a week after the funeral, taking half the team with her. A half I wasn’t included in.
She seemed even more determined to ignore me and I was getting fed up.
Five days before Carly was due back, Ryan hunted me down, finding me outside my little cabin.
I could see the warm, gold glow spilling out of the windows of her house from where I stood at the water’s edge, throwing rocks into the water and trying not to think.
Any time I let my mind kick into gear, I found myself standing at the side of the bed, staring down at Jake’s lifeless face.
Cancer was a mean bitch. She shouldn’t have taken Jake. A guy like that, he should have lived until he was a hundred and eight. Should have gotten married, had a dozen kids, two dozen grandkids. Should’ve been there for Carly.
She should’ve taken me.
“You going to look at me or keep throwing rocks?” Ryan asked.
I threw another rock and then glanced at him. “I looked.” Then I grabbed up another handful from the ground.
“The way you’re going, Carly will need to have another truckload of those things brought out here,” Ryan said.
I just shrugged and listened to the splash.
“Jake’s will is being read next week. Right after Carly gets back in town.”
Splash. “So?”
“You’re going.”
“Figured. I assumed Carly has to go, and the guys who’d gone with her would need a bit of a break when they got back.” I shrugged.
“Ah. Well.” He shrugged. “Yeah. It’s just...aw, hell.” He blew out a breath. “Jake would’ve kicked my ass for this, but I figure you’ll do better if you’re prepared. You’re in it, kid.”
I’d had a rock left in my hand. My arm fell limp at my side at his words, the small stone falling to the ground. It hit my bare toe but I hardly noticed. “What?”
“You heard me.” Ryan rocked back on his heels, hands tucked into the back of the khakis he wore when he wasn’t officially working. Ryan, even when he wasn’t on the job, he looked like he was ready to be caught on camera. He wore a pair of khakis with a knife sharp crease and a linen shirt that opened at the throat. Clean, perfectly pressed, and presentable.
I was in a threadbare t-shirt I’d brought with me from Kentucky and a pair of jeans that already had a hole in the knee. You can take the boy out of Kentucky, but you can’t take Kentucky out of the boy. Even in my most expensive suit, I knew I didn’t belong with the rest of them.
Hands on my hips, I glared at him. “Whatever it is, I don’t want it.”
“What if he left you the solution to world peace?”
“Then give it to the world.”
Ryan stared at me for a long moment and then turned his head, staring out over the lake. “Bobby, you’re a stubborn son of a bitch, you know that?”
“Kiss my ass.” I grabbed another rock and threw it. It skipped four times.
Ryan picked up a rock and tried to make it skip. It sank instead. Scowling, he tried again. After he had another roaring failure, I picked up another small, flat stone and sent it skipping. Ryan tried again. After yet another flop, he looked at me.
I ignored him.
“You know you meant a lot to him.”
I went to throw another rock, then stopped. “I know that. He...” I cleared my throat, unable to say the words that would have been the whole truth. I stuck for the best I could do. “He was a good guy. One of the best.”
Ryan studied me for a moment, and then nodded. “It would be a kick in the face not to take the gift he wanted you to have. Don’t insult his memory, Bobby.” Then he turned and walked away.
Deflated, I sank to the ground.
Was there any way to even argue with that?
I stayed there until the sun was near the horizon, and only then did I force myself to my feet. I couldn’t, however, make my mind obey as easily as my body. My brain refused to let go of any of the chaos swirling around inside.
I was already living a life I didn’t think I had a right to. In the past six months, I’d made more money than I’d
made in a few years before, and the clothes I had hanging in the closet in my place cost more than all of my previous wardrobe combined. Jake had actually apologized to me when he told me what I’d make a year. It won’t average out to five grand a week, kid.
I probably would’ve had a heart attack if it had.
All that money, just to be at Carly’s side, and I was getting more and more stupid over her. None of them knew that I would have given up what little I had just to be with her in the first place. But she’d still given me everything. What did I have that hadn’t come from her?
Now I had something else to figure out how to handle. What in the hell had Jake decided to give me anyway and why?
Hopefully it was something small, something easy for me to accept. One of the books he was always giving me to read. That would be nice. I could get behind even several of his books. Hell, I’d seen the library in his house once. He’d had a lot. Jake had a house, a nice one up in the mountains. When Carly hadn’t been traveling, Jake had off Fridays through Sundays and he’d always gone there.
I’d gone to see him a couple times and we’d gone hiking and fishing. Before. After, he hadn’t been able to go back. The house hadn’t been designed for somebody in a wheelchair, and he’d refused to have it updated, agreeing instead to let Carly set him up at the main house.
No reason to tear up the house when I’ll only be around a few more months.
I knew he’d just wanted a legit reason to spend as much time with Carly as he could.
I’d never go hiking with him again, never go fishing. Never discuss Mark Twain or Charles Dickens. Never argue over which was better, the movie or the book.
That knowledge slammed into me, and I stumbled right there in the middle of the wide path that led up to my house.
The visceral pain all but cut me off right at the knees. I’d never handled emotional pain well. Give me a hit to the face over this any day.
Feeling like I was going to be sick, I bent over, hands on my knees and tried to breathe through it.