His voice was low, the way it often got when he was tense. “And you?”
“They wouldn’t spank me. They just gave me back to the state and that was it. I was never forgiven.”
He sighed and ran his fingers softly down her neck. “Sweet Collette. You were a child and not theirs. It would have been very wrong for them to raise a hand to you.”
“But they wouldn’t have hesitated if I belonged to them.”
“Belonging to someone does not justify corporal punishment, peach. I know it’s done, but it shouldn’t be. There are more effective ways to guide.”
“I never wanted to belong somewhere as much as I wanted to belong to them that day.” She met his gaze, cool tears chilling her cheeks. “Until I met you.”
Cupping her face, he whispered, “I don’t need to punish you with force to forgive you, Collette. I’m just as fallible as anyone else. If you want me to lead you, you have to let me lead in a way that’s natural to me. That will please me more than anything else in this world.”
She saw the pain banked in his eyes, the fear he usually kept veiled. “Is that why she left?”
He swallowed, his gaze darting away for a split second. “She needed something I couldn’t give her, something she lied about needing. She didn’t leave. I let her go.”
Her hand tightened on his thigh. “Don’t let me go, Jude. I know there’s still a lot in this world I need to experience, but I’ve known enough hostility and your gentleness calls to me. You’re so strong and protective, yet so tender and giving. I don’t care about the little details. I care about the person and the connection. So long as we have this connection, I believe we can iron out any kinks.”
“You say my gentleness calls to you, yet you ask me to hurt you, Collette. Do you see the position that places me in?”
“But I trust you. Your authority calls to me too. I know you can be stern, but you won’t slip. You’ll always put my protection first. You know how to take me in hand without letting anything get out of hand. I need that, Jude.”
His fingers traced over hers. He didn’t verbally disagree and she sensed a shift in his opposition, a softening of a wall that had stood between them for so long. Every time she gave a bit of her secrets to him, he seemed to give a little back. She understood this was part of growing together, and perhaps he was experiencing something new as much as she was, every day teaching them how well they fit and how right they were.
She loved the idea of Fernweh, but no calculation would be truer than love. The way he held her, looked into her eyes like he was studying her soul, she saw the love there. If only he would trust her as much as she trusted him.
“Look at how beautiful you are, how loyal and dedicated. It’s an incredible gift you give me. You should be proud of yourself. It’s not easy to surrender the way you do, and you do it so well it seems almost effortless, but I know it’s not. I know how hard you work to make me happy and I appreciate all of it. All of you, peach.”
She nestled his thigh. “I want to please you.”
He tucked her curls behind her ear. “Wants and needs can be so easily confused, peach. Needs are fundamental. Meeting each other’s needs is a requirement for any couple to grow together on an emotional level. I don’t believe you need the pain of a punishment as much as you need the assurance that you’re safe.”
“But you make me feel safe.”
“Does our situation?”
Glancing up at him, she wiped her eyes. “Yes and no. We haven’t discussed our agreement in a while and I know my apprenticeship will eventually end, but . . .” The words caught in her throat. “I don’t want to leave you. It isn’t this place or Fernweh, it’s you, Jude. You.”
“And see . . . you’ve already pleased me. Sometimes words carry more meaning than any physical act, sweetheart. When I forgive you and actually vocalize that forgiveness, there’s no need to question my sincerity. It’s imperative that I only say what I mean and mean what I say, Collette. Just as it’s imperative that you trust my word.”
She nodded. “I guess I have a lot more demons than I thought.”
“We all have demons, peach. It’s a matter of finding the right partner to help us exorcise them.” His fingers gathered her hair, pulling it away from her face in a gentle grip. “Please me now, Collette.”
A sense of rightness slid into the emptiness hollowing her belly as he voiced an achievable command. Grateful for the distraction, she undid his belt and loosened his pants. Her fingers curled around his flesh and stroked softly as he hardened.
“That’s it, my sweet peach.” He brushed her defiant curls away from her face so he could watch her. “Show me how well you meet your Dom’s needs. Open your mouth.”
Her body shivered delightfully at the familiar command. She rose to her knees, opening and taking him deep in her mouth. He guided her neck and shoulders. “Yes, baby, keep doing that. Nice and easy. Deep the way I like it. That’s my peach.”
His touch was gentle, his words tender. There didn’t seem to be the aggressive edge they usually shared when she did this to him, yet she was equally aroused as all the other times.
“You love pleasing me, don’t you, Collette.”
“Oui, mon Monsieur.”
“You would please me every day if I asked, wouldn’t you? So loyal, so devoted.”
“Oui, mon Monsieur.”
“I’d take you every morning and every night and several times throughout the day. When you were an extra good girl, I’d reward you, leave you breathless with only my name crossing your lips, and then I’d take you again, because you’re mine. Is that what you want? Do you want to belong to your Monsieur?”
It was her greatest desire, but she wasn’t sure he’d see it as a need, see it as a fundamental requirement. Even if it were, she wasn’t sure he’d be able to meet that requirement. “Please,” she hummed, pressing kisses of adoration onto his flesh.
He gave her hair a gentle tug. “Please what? Good girls use their manners.”
“Please, mon Monsieur. I’ll be a good girl.”
He caught her jaw, holding her tenderly. “You are a good girl, Collette.” He said this as if he wanted to make sure she heard him. Pulling her to her feet, he stripped her and she shivered. “You please me so well. Your body pleases me, your mind, your soft-spoken words and your docile surrender. I find it hard to name any quality about you that displeases me.”
She tightly swallowed as Jude stood, moving her cup to the counter. He lifted her to the surface and lowered himself into the chair at the head of the table. “Lie back, peach.”
Her eyes closed as she imagined his gaze feasting on the view she provided, glistening folds unfurled before him. She’d done exactly as he instructed and waited anxiously for his praise.
“My mouth waters for you, Collette.” There was no better reward for such sweet anticipation. He was right. Sometimes words held more power than action.
Taking his time, he slowly teased her opening, tracing her slit with one finger. “There has been such an injustice done in the past few years with the media in regards to BDSM. What we saw tonight, it’s very rare. Damien and Sadie are a great couple. Their love is evident in the way he meets her needs sexually as well as emotionally. Without that emotional bond, the experience is hollow in my opinion.”
His finger delved into her core and she moaned, his touch so delicate her tension quickly unraveled.
“BDSM’s not about physical force. It is about control, not controlling another person, but maintaining control of ourselves. When control’s taken by force it is just that—forced. When control is handed over, surrendered, it’s a breathtaking thing, precious and valuable. With the right partner, force is unnecessary. When we find the partner that fits, there’s an ease to surrender and we’re freed.”
Leaning forward, he placed a kiss between her thighs. “I’m not
an aggressive person unless I absolutely need to be. I take more pride in maintaining control and demanding order without having to raise my voice or hand. And when a submissive, such as yourself, peach, responds to that gentle authority, I’m filled with deep satisfaction.”
Her body shivered as he took a moment to trail kisses over her sensitive flesh. “Do you see how I need only to tease and tickle you and you submit to my will? That’s the beauty of submission in my eyes. I know you’ll be still for me and take whatever I give, because you’ve given me your total trust.”
Her breathing turned shallow as he pressed her knees wide. “Do you want everything I have to give you, peach?”
Anticipation had her breathing fast. “Oui, mon Monsieur. Please.”
Jude pulled her hips forward so her bottom was hanging off the edge of the table. “I wish you could see how beautiful you are from this angle.” He touched every part of her, gently penetrating and petting over her folds. When he nudged her back entrance, she moaned and he chuckled.
“Soon, peach. Soon. As you said, your apprenticeship is over in the next few days.” She made a sound of distress. “Shh. Listen. Just listen to me.” His fingers returned to her sex, caressing slowly as he spoke. “I think I know the sort of man you need and I know how difficult it will be to find him, but I believe he’s out there. I say need, because I think there is an actual difference between him and the man you wanted when you started this journey.”
He was right. In the beginning she wanted a man to take her with force, aggressively hold her with an all-consuming passion that burned so hot it scorched her soul. Jude had left several marks on her soul, but rather than the blunt scars of a burning lust, they were smooth divots, gently licked into her over time the way the reliable waves of the ocean changed the banks of the earth over time. He elicited an all-consuming passion, but he also controlled it, managed it, and never let her bear too much.
He pressed a kiss to her knee. “You want to find him, don’t you? Let him love you and take care of you and treat you as you deserve? Give him the privilege of meeting all your needs.”
“Yes,” she rasped, her breathing choppy as her body quivered beneath his touch.
“You need someone to be in control, protect you, gentle but stern, is that correct?”
“Yes.”
“And when you need to find steady ground, you want him to lead you there, don’t you?” He dragged his nails slowly over the soft flesh of her bottom.
She shivered. “Yes.”
“Do you need a spanking, Collette, because this is the only time I’ll give it to you, when your pain and pleasure mingle within my grip and I hold the responsibility of all your needs.”
Her eyes were closed, her mouth open in ecstasy, his fingers softly probing. She was so close.
“Your pain is mine to manage, but your pleasure’s my gift to give. Let me help you in a way that sets you free but isn’t solely about the pain.”
“Please,” she breathed, lashes lowering.
“You will not come. Not until I deliver seven. Count them.”
He slapped her sex and she gasped, not expecting him to spank her there. “One!”
“Do not come.” Slap.
“Two!” She gritted her teeth and panted, her bottom lifting as her body gyrated, already searching for the next delicious sting of heat.
He pressed a firm hand to her belly, lowering her to the table. “Be still, peach.” Her pussy was so wet, the third slap connected with a delightful thwack.
“Three.”
His fingers wedged deep as her sex contracted. “Do you feel it, the release that comes with pleasure when it mixes flawlessly with pain? It doesn’t have to hurt, sweetheart, but when it does, it can hurt so good, a deep ache that tightens everything inside you and then suddenly . . . we’re free.” He withdrew his fingers and smacked quickly over her stimulated flesh.
“Four! Five! Six!”
Dragging his tongue up her inner thigh, he whispered, “All is forgiven, Collette. What came before and what has transpired since we met. I am completely pleased with my beautiful sub. You may come.” His hand came down and her entire body arched as she came, hard and with abandon, her voice crying out his name in an unburdening wail.
He rubbed her sex, her arousal spreading everywhere as more accumulated. She was frantic, twisting and calling his name as he wedged his fingers into her pulsating channel. He rode every jolt, stretched every quaking shiver, and pulled her from one orgasm to the next.
Her arousal coated his fingers as her body jerked and her legs shifted, her calves trembling as her toes curled and her feet flexed and arched.
“Such breathtaking abandon,” he rasped, pulling her onto his lap.
She straddled him, her mouth sucking on his neck as she lowered herself to him, his length sliding deep.
“Yes,” he growled, grabbing her wild hair and tipping her head back. “This is what I need, Collette.” Holding her hips tight he yanked her down on him, filling her completely. Everything felt different, more intense, tighter.
He pulled her hair, stretching her back and stilling her movements. “Look at me, Collette.” He waited for her eyes to focus. “Why do you love me?”
The fire in his eyes softened as the intensity shifted. The moment didn’t weaken. On the contrary, it thickened as he allowed this pause for unguarded honesty.
“You’re my safety,” she confessed, her voice a raspy whisper. “You’re kind and good, and patient even when I know I’m being a handful. You make submission effortless, Jude. I don’t want to serve someone else. I want to serve you. Because you look at me and you don’t see my weaknesses as problems. You just see me, all of me, the good and the bad, and you help me become more. You make me want to be more than I’ve ever wanted to be. When I’m with you I feel like I’m breathing for the first time and I know what life with you can taste like. I’m so hungry for that life, Jude, but I can’t take what you won’t allow.”
Vulnerability flashed in his eyes as he cupped her face with such loving tenderness. “Do you need me?”
She sucked in a breath and confessed, “I don’t think I’ve ever needed anyone more.”
Leaning forward, he gently kissed her lips. “I can’t hurt you, Collette. And I can’t promise a life to someone who needs things outside my limits.”
It clicked then. She’d thought the need rested in some form of penance. No one had ever given her something without taking something in return. Yet here he was, this incredible man she loved, offering her all the security she ever wanted with only one request, that she not ask him to hurt her. She chuckled, her mouth smirking and her eyes wet with tears. “Yes. I can live with that.” Though he wouldn’t say it, she felt his love in a way she’d never felt anything before. It surrounded her and protected her. That was what she needed above all else. “Jude?”
“Yes?”
Her lips pressed tight, knowing this sense of security might crumble without the cornerstone she desperately needed. “Do you love me?”
His face lowered as he softly whispered, “Collette, I’ve tried so hard to do what’s right.” He shook his head, a pained smile twisting his lips. “Sweetheart, I’ve been loving you since the day you told me you make your own panties and spoke French in that southern drawl. For a month I’ve been trying not to love you, but every day you prove to be the perfect woman for me. It didn’t matter what I wanted. I need to love you and I do very much, peach.”
Her lips trembled as she stared into his eyes. “What about my application?”
“I invented the formula, Collette. I know it by heart and I know you the same. We belong together. Every struggle only proved how much, because whenever I see you hurting or upset, it calls to my need to make you whole again. And when we’re together, in sync, communicating all those vulnerable needs and meeting them with the grace of a pendulum in
constant swing . . . I know I’m exactly where I’m meant to be.”
She exhaled roughly and smiled, her hands tightening around his neck as he held her close. “But I thought you couldn’t do permanent?”
“There were a lot of things I thought I’d never do again. Falling in love was the biggest, and I fought it every step of the way, but here I am madly in love with a Georgia peach. I think I’d kill anyone who tried to take you away from me.” He gripped the back of her neck and looked directly into her eyes. “You. Are. Mine.”
His mouth slid over hers as he kissed her without reservation, his sub, his peach, his future. And he was hers. He lifted her and carried her to the window seat, laying her lush body out beneath him.
As he made love to her, words of affection fell from his lips as he licked over every curve, claimed every square inch of her body. Her past was something they’d work with as they were helping each other square away their own demons. She believed he’d do everything he could to teach her that forgiveness came in many forms, so long as she could forgive him for the time it took to learn to trust again. But he did trust her. He trusted her with his secrets, his vulnerabilities, and trusted her to take care of him—her gentle Dom.
They were the perfect fit, the other half to each other’s soul. And they were never letting go.
Epilogue
Every day was new and she worked hard at becoming a better person than the woman she’d been the day before. Her first purpose was to serve and love Jude, who thereby met her needs and made the evolution of self all the more achievable.
Settling into Fernweh was simpler than it should have been, but with Jude, nothing was ever too complicated. Together they could solve anything.
He’d run their files, because he was a perfectionist like that. They were not only suited, they were a rarity, separated by only five percent. Collette liked that five percent, thinking it kept things real and interesting.
Like every couple, they bickered. Life was full of stressful situations. There were wars being fought, illnesses occurring, busy schedules to manage, but at the end of the day, when they shut the outside world away and became still, they had each other. He was her safe haven and she was his. Intrepid, devoted, passionately fond of each other, and always honest.
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