by Forest Wells
“Estrella! Your tail!” Martol called.
Martol had come tearing around the tree, sending snow flying in my face as I tried to follow. Estrella looked over in time to roll on her side, avoiding the blows that pounded the snow around her legs. Thump-thump-thump. They continued to search for her. Each pound spurred me faster to prevent crippling injury to my packmate.
Carlin snapped at one of the doe’s legs while Toltan continued after the foal. The doe changed from Estrella to Carlin. The old wolf turned and ran the other way as best he could, but he never got any traction. His legs sank so deep in the snow, he was more leaping than running. The doe didn’t bother to chase him. She instead turned, lifting on her forelegs, and kicked both hind legs after him. One missed, then the other slammed into Carlin’s shoulder mid-leap. His yelp echoed off the trees as he collapsed in the snow, then tried to crawl, still whimpering.
Martol sliced through the snow as if it weren’t there. Her fangs went for a leg but found only air. I tore in after her while Estrella shook her fur clean with a snarl of her own.
The doe pounded the ground in front of me and Martol, keeping us at bay. Then cries from nearby echoed for a moment before being cut short. Toltan had caught the foal. The pack knew it, as did the doe by the turn of her ears. Before anyone could land a bite, she turned and kicked at me and Martol, forcing us to duck low or lose an ear.
Instead of preparing for another strike, the doe planted her legs and leapt away. I gave chase for a second before I saw her bound into the distance.
I stood glaring with a pant shaking my ribs. “She’s a demon, that one.”
“Never seen anything like her,” Martol said. She drew my attention to where Toltan was dragging the dead foal toward us. “Looks like we got something for it, though. That’ll hold us for a while.”
“Not a long one. You two dig in, I need to check on—”
“I’m perfectly fine, Luna,” Carlin said.
So he said, but Carlin walked with his right foreleg tucked tight against his body. I didn’t want to think how much damage had been done. Though with him moving strong despite the injury, I couldn’t resist teasing him about it.
“So, you’re wise enough to catch a fox, but you don’t know enough to duck under a doe’s kick?”
Carlin gave me a dirty look with a laugh hidden beneath. “The snow got in my eyes.”
“Sure it did. Come on. Eat your fill, all of you. What we don’t finish, we take with us to the den. I doubt we’ll find anything left of him by morning.”
“Assuming he lasts that long.”
He lasted even less. Split between five starving wolves, a single foal didn’t go very far. We picked him clean down to the bones. I tried to give them more, but they all refused to eat the last few parts. They stared at me until I cracked into the bone to get at what little marrow there was to be found.
Carlin never winced or whined until he set himself down just outside the den, and even that was a minor complaint. I stood there watching, trying to find something to say, something to feel, other than dread.
“I am wolf,” Carlin said. I tilted my head at him, confused. “Something my father used to say during harsh times. ‘Let the winds of winter come. I fear not famine, nor blizzard, nor a horde of predators. For I am wolf. My power is matched by the many that stand beside me. My blood runs through them, and theirs through me. So long as they live, so too will I. Come what may. I have faced it before, and it has yet to touch me.’”
I ruffed with a backward turn of my ears. “So says the wolf with a broken leg.”
“I’m still alive. That’s all that matters.”
I turned my ears back again. Crazy old wolf.
I turned to find Estrella, only to walk into a small branch Toltan had tossed aside. It landed on my head and somehow stayed put without so much as a wobble.
That’s when Estrella found me.
“Look!” she said. “It’s a wolf-moose!”
Martol didn’t miss a beat following it up. “A wolf-moose? Should we eat it, or take it into our pack?”
They all glanced at each other, then said at once, “Eat it!”
Martol, Toltan, and Estrella all began chasing me around, half growling, half yipping. I ran away from them, begging them to spare me. I tried to convince them I had a mate and twin calves back home. It didn’t work, probably because my ears were too well perked.
I tried to call out for my herd, but I never managed more than rolling growls or deep barks. The pack must have been tired, though, because they never got a hold of my leg. Not to say they didn’t try. I had to dance over several bites that would make me their next meal for sure. I managed to stay ahead of them, and we bounded and yipped around the den several times while Carlin lay on his side, laughing his lungs out.
My own legs didn’t last long, for they’d spent too much on the hunt. I had to withdraw and let my legs stop burning. Toltan and Martol shifted to Estrella, while I lay beside Carlin, panting fresh exhaustion. Carlin kept laughing until he ran out of breath. He panted for a while, slowly catching his breath, before turning toward me.
“You sure know how to make an old wolf happy,” he said. “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen a pack like yours. You’ve got it all. A close bond, loving members, a good location, and a fine young wolf leading them.”
My ears fell as much in pain as to disagree. I saw some of it. I couldn’t deny the bond, the members were there too, even the good location. But that last part? The “fine young wolf”? That I didn’t see. Every time I looked, I saw an injured pup, still too proud to admit it. Not to mention far too naive to be leading anyone in anything.
“I’m not that good of a leader,” I said. “You got injured in the last hunt.”
“I got careless. It happens when you get to be my age. But you, you acted well. You went for the smart target, you directed a smart hunt, and you didn’t make me feel bad for my error. You have a lot of potential, Luna. You just need to let yourself see it.”
“Potential,” I echoed. “Potential to lead wolves to insanity, maybe.”
Carlin gave another huff I didn’t understand. “Is that so bad? Look at them. We’re in the middle of the leanest winter I can remember, and they’re playing like newborn pups. If that’s your fault, then I thank you for it. Look, Luna, who or what we are doesn’t define our lives. It’s what we do with those lives, the effect we leave on the world and those around us, that matters. Even a lone wolf can do good things.”
“Don’t you mean great things?”
“Anyone can do great things. It takes someone special to do good things.”
He was getting annoying, yet I couldn’t help feeling encouraged by his words. A lone wolf can do good things. Crazy? Maybe, but then, I had a pack of wolves who were playing in the middle of a harsh winter. If I could manage that, maybe I could manage more. Assuming, that is, we survived long enough to try.
“Hard to imagine me doing much when my pack is still starving,” I said.
Carlin sighed with a backward turn of his ears. “Don’t make me pin you, pup. The wilds will bring what they will. Your job is to face them with fur and fang and pride. The rest is up to Wolfor. Seems to me he likes you. Stay close to his fur. You’ll meet your potential.”
“If you say so.”
“He’s brought you this far. Doesn’t he deserve the chance to take you farther?”
My ears flashed back equal parts anger and pain. There’s that word again. Martol, Estrella, Toltan, they were all using it. Every time they did, it hurt, as if one word brought up all the years of pain, as well as the mistakes I’d made. I didn’t like how often I’d heard it, more so because it always took me back to my first night alone and all the grief I’d felt that day.
Carlin’s ears fell as well, as did his head for the first time ever. “I’m sorry, Luna. I didn’t mean to—”
I rubbed my muzzle over Carlin’s to silence him. “It’s all right. Just seems like everyone is telling
me what others deserve from me. I thank you. I still think you’re a crazy old wolf, but thank you. For everything you’ve done.”
Carlin only ruffed amusement and bit an itch.
The others joined us, all panting hard, but still panting the joy of the game. When I stood to meet Estrella, our eyes met, and we froze.
There was something there, something I couldn’t name. There was tension in my ribs, a warmth in my heart, and a massive pinecone in my throat. I couldn’t keep my ears up, and neither could she. We each tried to lick the other’s nose, but it did nothing to break our hesitation. I swallowed hard, as much to be sure I could move as to try and clear that pinecone.
Martol gave a growl behind Estrella. “Oh, for goodness’ sake.” She pushed Estrella into me, her head landing on my shoulder. “Get snuggling already. The tension is driving me crazy.”
My ears remained back, uneasy, terrified even. But I did as my mother asked and rubbed my head against Estrella’s. She returned the affection, and it got deeper and deeper. All of a sudden, winter seemed to melt away. The nerves faded, and I closed my eyes so I could just feel her fur against mine. I felt her spirit, and her confidence, radiate all the way inside my soul. For a moment, she was all I was aware of. The forest, the pack, even my own fur had fallen away. There was only her and me. We never said a word because we didn’t need to. Our scents had merged into one, as had our hearts. I had found my mate.
“Much better,” Martol said.
My ears flicked forward, more amusement than agreement. I broke away from Estrella to find Martol and Toltan lying beside Carlin, trading playful nips like they used to when I was a pup. Carlin had his head on his paws just looking at me, not saying a word.
I suppose he doesn’t need to, or maybe he’s being kind for once. Whatever the reason, I didn’t care. I settled in beside my mate, offering more nuzzles and licks of my own.
Crazy? Absolutely.
Chapter 9
THE LONGER THE FAMINE lasted, the more my stomach churned. More because it was empty, or because of the state of my pack, I couldn’t say.
I could count our ribs just by looking at them, which only made it harder to miss the roughness of our fur. Worse than that, every day I returned from a failed hunt, my eyes found Carlin. He saw we had nothing, and he couldn’t hide his cringe. He also couldn’t hide just how dim his eyes were. As for his leg, I kept telling myself it was still healing from his injury.
Toltan wasn’t much better. Thin fur, thinner ribs, and not much light left in his eyes either. He’d tried and failed to move every day, and it worried me more than Carlin’s injury. Add a near constant blizzard, and I spent the nights in terror of what I’d find the next morning.
When the storm finally broke, Martol, Estrella and I set out to hunt. I vowed we’d find something, anything, to keep them going. That vow got hollower by the minute, as the snow came up to my knees. The only scents I found were those of my pack. The trees were so bare and laden with snow, one had fallen under the weight, right where I’d pinned Rajor not that long ago.
I pressed on, using the memory of that day to keep me going. I ignored the pain in my belly, as well as the cold biting through my fur. We can’t give up. We can save them. We just need a little more time.
A soft snap sent my ears up. I followed them to the source, and desperation forced me to ignore my better judgment when I saw her. Not as proud, not as well fed, but there she was. The demon doe. Her legs shook under her as much as mine did. Her sides heaved as if she’d been fighting all day. For all I knew, she had, not that I cared. She was my father’s last prayer.
“Cut her off,” I said. “Don’t let her run this time. Do whatever it takes.”
Estrella and Martol snuck behind her, drooling as much as I was, while I stood directly in front of her. The doe stared me down, anger burning behind her eyes. Anger at taking her young, anger at being a wolf, or perhaps just a promise not to go down without a fight. I tried to match it, but I spent more time keeping my emotions under control. I knew I’d never get in, so I waited for the others to make their move.
Estrella and Martol charged as one, hunger forcing growls deep in their chests. The doe looked back, leaned on her forelegs, and kicked back with all she had left. The first strike missed, Martol ducked under a second, then a third caught her in the side of her head. She crumpled in the snow without a sound, knocked out cold.
Estrella never stopped moving. The doe’s kicks had all been for Martol, which allowed my mate to catch one of those legs before they could change targets. Estrella cracked bone with her first bite, then she held and pushed into the other leg. The doe tried to cry out, but she fell hard on her side, knocking the wind out of her.
My jaws were on her neck before she could regain her footing. I found her windpipe and blood vessels, and I tore into both, crimson blood staining the white snow. I kept digging, hunger and the need to save my pack ensuring she didn’t escape again. The doe pawed at me, but her own hunger, and Estrella’s work, kept it to just a last defiant act, before her eyes closed at last.
I panted over our kill, glancing at my mate to see her doing the same.
“Have a little faith,” Estrella said.
Amusement colored both of our ears. The pain vanished, and in an odd way, I wasn’t even hungry anymore.
Estrella turned to wake up Martol while I tore a chunk from the doe’s side. I sprinted toward the den, feeling like a pup again. This will do it. This’ll bring life back into Carlin’s eyes, and get some fluff in Toltan’s fur. There will be more, enough for all of us. Maybe enough to survive the winter. We just need to make sure no one else finds...
I paused when I saw two figures in the snow. I kept my ears up and my nose working as I approached, unsure if they were friend or foe. That is, until I saw Carlin’s brown-tipped ears and realized it was Toltan lying next to him. Stubborn old wolf. Couldn’t let me go on the hunt without him.
I trotted forward, carrying their dinner with pride. I dropped it between them, waiting for a tease that really meant pride or compliment. Except they didn’t move. It was only then I noticed the layer of snow on their fur... on all of their fur. That never happens. No matter how carefully you move, a great deal gets dislodged.
“Hey,” I said. “Wake up, you two. You won’t believe this: we got her! We killed that demon doe. She... she...”
Rational thought found me, as did other thoughts I refused to allow or accept. No, no, not now, not when I’m able to save them. I tapped Carlin’s nose and found it ice cold. As was Toltan’s. I bit them, tugged at their scruff, bit so hard I broke the skin. Blood never came from either one.
“Come on. Come on. She’s just over here. She’s not far. Just a little... just a little more. Not far. Not... not... not...”
I lifted my head and howled. I howled until my lungs were empty. I filled them and howled again. Tears poured down my muzzle as I couldn’t find the will to howl anymore. I could only stare, could only cry, could only lie, however badly. I couldn’t face the two dead wolves I knew so well.
Footsteps sounded behind me. When I turned back, I found Estrella... alone... walking slow, with a limp tail and low head.
My eyes bulged. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t feel. I couldn’t... couldn’t...
“No.”
Estrella’s ears fell. Fresh tears trickled down her face when she saw Carlin and Toltan.
“She never felt it.”
I stopped breathing. It hurt so much, I couldn’t feel anything. I fell into the snow, unable to stand. I tried to howl, but I never even got my head up. The only sound I made was a raspy, barely audible whine. Tears would soon freeze on my fur as I closed my eyes, trying to turn back time. Trying to tell myself I hadn’t lost them. The father I hated, the old fool that annoyed me, the mother I... I...
Warm fur brushed against my head. I lied again, even though I knew who it really was.
“I’m sorry, Luna,” Estrella said. “But there’s nothing we can d
o. You need to come.”
“Where?” I sobbed. “To an empty den? To a place where just days ago, we were pups? How can I go back when their scent is waiting for me? When all I have... all I had, is here?”
“Because I’m here too. I’m not going anywhere, Luna. We have a kill now. We... We have to use it. Luna. Please. They deser...” She cringed and sobbed while I glared through my tears. I knew what word she’d swallowed, and it had me shaking in renewed grief. I once again was taken back to that first night, and it shattered my insides. All I could see was the void behind my mother’s eyes. A void I had caused. The pain of that memory kept me from yelling at Estrella, which allowed her to recover enough to use the full attention I now gave her. “We can’t let ourselves join them. I still need you. Please. Luna, please. Eat. Survive. I couldn’t live without you. Especially now.”
The tears flowed anew. It was over. I only had her now. Raw facts told me I had to move before I became another mourned wolf. While I might not have cared about myself, Estrella had suffered enough. I couldn’t let myself add to it.
I forced myself to stand, my legs shaking as if they might shatter. Estrella waited for me to follow. No pushing, no words, just a gentle, watchful gaze, asking me to join her. Except I couldn’t. Not yet. I had something else to do first.
I rubbed against my father one last time. I tried to ignore the chill of his body, instead trying to remember the first time we had touched noses. I hadn’t been able to see him then, but I’d known at once who he was. If only we’d had more time. We might have returned to the father-pup duo in the den. Toltan might have grown proud of me. Now, I would never know... and neither would my father.
“I forgave you,” I said. “I hope you knew that.”
A breeze ruffled my fur as I joined my mate. I told myself it was something it couldn’t possibly be. It made it easier to believe that despite all I’d lost, I still had a reason to fight on.
I RARELY WORRIED MUCH about silence, mostly because, being a wolf, my presence had a tendency to cause it. But when one wakes up to it for several days straight, in the middle of an early spring, when howls celebrating birth should be ringing from every tree, silence becomes concerning.