by Forest Wells
Estrella. My mate. She’s not dead after all. She’d eaten her fill of my kill, expressed her approval of my skills... Tilhack. A new member. Strange, perhaps, but bearing something in him I’m sure will add value to the pack... The two together... Have they replaced me? Estrella said she didn’t, but what I saw... And what about her pain? Why won’t she share it with me? I’m her mate! It’s my duty to—
My paw caught on something, drawing a yip of surprise. Not again. The thought lasted but a second, until my body thumped into the ground. The rest happened as it did before, as if time had taken me back to relive it once more.
My legs kicked out to stop me, but I bounced off the push and kept going. I hit the ground hard, flattening my lungs in one last pained yip. My legs flopped over, continuing my momentum from the sprint, forcing my body to continue rolling. I sent my paws out to try and stop me, and again, they only served to keep me rolling. My head glanced off a rock, almost knocking me out. I went limp as I tumbled over an embankment, into the last of the flood-made lagoon. Just enough water to not be mud, but not enough to drown in.
My legs flopped over my side, propelling my head out of the water onto a sandy shore. Then it was over. I came to rest on my side, laying half in the lagoon, fur covered in dirt, water soaking the side I lay on, my paw still stinging from whatever it had hit, and my body aching from the tumble. I hurt in more ways than I could count, though my mind remained blank, which only gave the physical pain more space to occupy. Nothing else was there. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t feel, I didn’t even understand where I was. It was as if I was floating alone somewhere. My thoughts couldn’t last long enough to find a comparison.
All I could do was lay in my torment. Half a day? Several days? I couldn’t think enough to keep track. My body hurt too much to try, and my mind was still too empty to settle on any single thought. My eyes closed as I tried to find sense in the chaos within, yet all I found was more of the same.
I heard a soft splash first, but before I could tell for sure, something appeared beside me. A body. A warmth that coursed through my blood, lying beside me, its head leaning in to rub against mine. Then, a soft whine all at once drained my mind of everything but one thought.
“Estrella.”
“Shhhh,” she continued to rub, even as I couldn’t find the will to return it. “Just rest. Let yourself feel the pain. It’s the only way you can shed it.”
“But... but Est—”
“Hush! Hush, my thorn. I’m here now. You’re not alone. You never were.”
I pushed my muzzle to meet hers. She licked mine in return.
There we lay. Half a day? Several days? We would never know or care. Her fur was against mine, soft, a little wet, but still warm. I could feel her presence, smell her, wet fur and all. Her soul merged with mine, and I lost my pain in her, even as I let myself feel it. I didn’t move, but Estrella busied herself with cleaning my fur. How could I have thought for a second she’d replaced me?
At last, I pulled myself upright. I rolled onto my paws, shook myself dry, and returned to rubbing against Estrella.
“Thank you,” I said.
Estrella only returned the rub, not yet standing. “I’m always here for you, Luna. Anytime you need me, I’m here.”
“Yet you won’t let me do the same. Estrella, we’re mates. We share the joys and the burdens. How can I do nothing while it’s obvious you’re in pain?” Her ears fell, and she cringed again. I cursed myself for even saying it, then laid beside her again so I could rub my head against hers. “Forget it. I shouldn’t have asked.”
Estrella sighed, then snorted as if angry. I halted my affection in case it was me. She instead stared at me, deep in thought. “You deserve to know.”
A ruffed laugh escaped me. That word. Used so often, never without sting. I had used it myself to announce my anger. Others used it when I’d mistreated them. To hear it from her with such pain behind it... it only made it worse.
“I deserve to have my mate back,” I said. “If that means letting you heal on your own, then I will, but I can’t not care. Not about this. I can’t not be here, as you have been for me.”
Estrella looked at me, ears up and eyes searching. Just like Jinta, she was asking permission. “Then you don’t want to know?”
I rubbed against her again. “Only what you wish to share.”
She returned it, and I felt nothing else. “Thank you. Come on, thorn. I told Tilhack to stay at the den. He’s no doubt worried about us.”
We rose together, both shaking ourselves loose. I leapt up first, then traded playful nips when Estrella was more graceful doing the same. She bumped into me as we walked back home, still play-nipping at times.
“You need to hear what happened,” Estrella said.
“Only if you need to tell it,” I said.
“I do.” She stopped, bit an itch, sighed, and nuzzled my muzzle before continuing on. “The humans never really hurt me. I was taken to what Tilhack called a ‘zoo.’ Not sure what it is, but I was trapped in a small space. I think they wanted me to think it was like home. For a time, I couldn’t get out. I spent my days being fed old kills and watching humans as they stared at me, as if I were a stick to play with. At first, it was torture. Then I... after so long... I... I started to adapt.”
There was more there. Something painful, or shameful, she didn’t want to share. I also knew she kept it hidden for a reason. I wanted to know what and why, but I’d promised to let her tell only what she wanted to. I couldn’t go back on that now, so I kept silent as we approached the den.
“Then your bird came in,” she said. “He reminded me of who I was. I... I found... I found a way to escape. I made my way out of the ‘zoo’ into a large area full of massive human dens. Dens as tall as the shorter trees, paths full of those huge rock beasts you told me about. I have to admit, I’ve never been so afraid before. I had no idea where I was, or what I was looking at. Somewhere in my escape, I’d lost your bird too. That’s when I found him.”
We arrived in time for her to indicate Tilhack, who was cracking into a bone in search of any remaining marrow. He stopped when he saw us. His ears perked up, again asking for permission.
I ticked my own ears forward. “It’s all right, I ate my fill. You can have it.” I settled in nearby, with Estrella lying down beside me. “Estrella tells me she met you right after her escape.”
Tilhack ruffed in amusement while abandoning his bone. “More like I found her. I saw her streak across the paths where the rock beasts run. I thought for sure she’d get run over. Instead she slipped into the space between human dens. She looked hurt, and alone, so I risked contact. Thank Wolfor she didn’t snap me in half.”
I turned to Estrella first. “How did you get hurt and still manage to escape?”
Her ears fell in a cringe. I prepared to withdraw the question, but she answered it anyway... mostly.
“It happened... just... just as I escaped. The injury was minor, nothing life threatening.”
I flicked a curious ear, but said nothing. Again, she had permission to share only what she wanted. A stare from Estrella at Tilhack made it clear he knew, but was being told to keep it quiet. I thought about asking him later, and rejected it almost at once. It is Estrella’s tale to tell, not his.
And yet, Tilhack took over the telling. “Once I learned where she’d come from, I jumped at the chance to get away from the humans into the wild. My mother, my wolf side, had told me about it, and I’d wanted it more than anything. Especially after she was killed by a rock beast.”
“What about your father?” I asked.
“He was a pet whose owners left one day and never came back. He managed to escape the den before he ran out of food and water. After a while, he turned wild, met my mother, they mated, I was born, and then he left for a hunt and never returned. Probably killed by another rock beast, by the humans, or by Hitlark.”
“Hitlark?”
“A pure wolf that also lived in the area. He did not care fo
r pets, and cared even less for mutts. Another reason I left. Anyway, I helped Estrella get away from the human dens and helped her navigate through more human territory on the way.”
“How did you know which way to go?”
Chirping announced the answer before either of them could. “I search, I find, I lead, I save, to meet the promise that I gave!”
I found the bird where he’d always been, right in the middle of the rock pile, too far to reach as usual. I thought about trying anyway, but after almost succeeding, I decided not to do that to him, or his apparent mate sitting beside him.
Tilhack, meanwhile, growled annoyance I knew all too well. “He’s right about that. He helped Estrella get out, then helped us get away from more humans after that. Took us a long time to get here, but he kept us moving in the right direction.”
“As in, he kept you on course?” I asked. “Or he kept you going in the hopes he’d shut up?”
“Both,” Estrella and Tilhack said.
I panted laughter. I can imagine. After a few moons straight spent listening to him, I’d become Rajor’s omega if it meant a few days of silence. Instead, my mockingbird had used that charm to lead Estrella and Tilhack back to me. I never knew he cared that much. It made me regret some of the rather violent dreams I’d had about him over the years.
I shook them from my mind while addressing the bird directly. “I owe you more than I can ever repay, yet all I have to give is my thanks.”
“Luna thanks like worm and seed, Luna thanks is all I need.”
Tilhack again growled while cringing as if he might squeeze something out of his head. “Bird sang so much about you two, I’d give a lot to never hear either one of your names for a while. Uh, no offense, Luna.”
I again chuckled. Bird hasn’t lost his touch. “None taken, Tilhack. Believe me, I understand. That reminds me, though. Now that you’re here, what do you plan to do? This forest is not what it used to be, and I don’t know how your mixed blood will be received by the other wolves.”
“Why do you think he’s with us?” Estrella said. “We won’t care. We’ll take him in, give him a place. His heart is as strong as ours, even if his eyes aren’t ‘normal.’ He’ll make us stronger.”
I cast her a reprimanding glare. It softened some as fast as it came, yet the message remained. Though my mind tried to go blank again, I wouldn’t let it this time. I had no intentions of tumbling a third time.
That did not silence my anger however. Estrella had made an important decision without asking me how I felt. As much as I cared about the emotions she was dealing with, I couldn’t ignore that she’d stepped out of line. She’d made a hard choice without even letting me voice my thoughts on it. Mate or not, neither of us could do that. That’s how pups get banished over false swears.
Estrella let her ears soften, though she also returned a confused stare of her own. She won’t understand if you don’t tell her, thorn.
I let my glare fade further. What came out was as much plea as reprimand. “Don’t forget your place.”
“I didn’t think I did,” Estrella said “I thought I was your mate.”
I took a breath to settle myself. Fair point, however... “Mate, yes. Alpha, no. We can’t make snap decisions without the other being involved. That’s how I ended up out here. Toltan made the decision alone. We can’t make that mistake.”
Estrella’s ears flashed back for a moment. I thought it a no until her ears ticked forward immediately after. She’d had her eyes closed in stress or pain, which sent me again cursing myself for acting like... like a stupid thorn-in-the-paw.
Tilhack rose before Estrella came out of her cringe. “Don’t let me come between you. If you don’t want me, then so be it. You deserve to have her more than I deserve a pack.”
I growled, then had to ruff at Tilhack before he could finish a turn to leave. Yet again, others say what I do or don’t deserve. I had to have been cursed to always hear it, or maybe Wolfor liked to use it to get my attention. I preferred the former, for the latter scared me in several ways.
Tilhack didn’t move. His eyes and ears were locked on me, waiting for me to attack or something. I breathed deep for a moment to be sure my mind was clear before addressing him again.
“Let me decide what I do or don’t deserve,” I said. “Can you do that?”
“If that’s the way you want it,” Tilhack said carefully.
“Then sit your tail down, and go back to your bone. I worked hard for that kill. I deserve to see my pack enjoying it.”
Tilhack panted a quick chuckle while his ears ticked forward. He took my advice and cracked the bone wider in search of more marrow.
Estrella flicked an amused ear at him before returning to me. “I’m sorry, Luna, for all of it. I didn’t mean to disrespect you like that.”
“You make it sound as if you broke my tail,” I said.
“Didn’t I?”
I rubbed against her to make sure she believed me. “No, but you have to understand, yesterday I thought you were dead. I had begun to move on. Now here you are, alive and well, carrying scars of your own, as well as a new member I know nothing about. You can’t expect me to adapt to all that in such a short amount of time.”
Estrella sighed, but didn’t stop rubbing against me. “You’re right, but you also can’t expect me to just know. As you said, we’re mates. We share the joys and the burdens. I can share mine with you if you’ll share yours with me.”
“I think I can do that, so long as you remember your place. You’re my other half. Your place is beside me, defending me from harm, and allowing me to do the same. We can’t do that if we won’t talk about big decisions with each other.”
“I don’t remember you asking to add Carlin to our pack. Is this so different?”
I cringed more at the sharpness of her point than his memory. “Fair enough. Although I don’t remember you resisting the idea either. But that doesn’t matter. From now on, we check with each other. Agreed?”
Estrella rubbed her head against mine again. “Agreed. Can Tilhack stay?”
“No.”
“Luna!”
“Just keeping your ears sharp.”
Chapter 13
NEVER THOUGHT I’D BE glad to find a new scent on my border. I ruffed contentment after sniffing a pile of wolf droppings that were neither mine nor Rajor’s. Another pack had found a new home. Between the harsh winter, and the constant threat of the humans, it was a welcome sign. It made the recent return of my own pack feel that much better. Like things might finally be turning in the right direction, and staying there, for a change.
“Found something, Luna?” Estrella asked while Tilhack sniffed at the marking.
“A touch of hope,” I said. “If you haven’t noticed, there aren’t many foreign wolves these days.”
“I have noticed. Can’t imagine what happened to them.”
Crack!-Cshoo-shooo
Estrella and I turned our ears toward the sound, as did Tilhack after he took cover behind us. I couldn’t tell if he’d been startled or just wasn’t used to it being that close yet. Then again, with their escape being so fresh, I could understand him being extra cautious too.
“There’s your answer,” I said. “That and the harsh winter either killed them or drove them off.”
Estrella sighed with shifting ears while I walked along our border in search of a trail.
“Makes you wonder how long this new pack will last,” she said.
Tilhack snapped up with his ears perked forward. “Not long by the sounds of it. Is that a pup?”
I perked one ear, then turned both when I heard whimpers through the trees. Like Tilhack, I couldn’t determine the wolf’s age, just its pain. Instinct drew my paws forward in search of the owner.
“Luna?” Tilhack said. “What are you doing? It’s not our territory.”
“It’s not anyone’s territory if that’s all that’s left of the pack,” I said. Tilhack’s ears fell, so I flicked my tai
l across his nose. “Relax. This is how we do things in the wild.”
Tilhack only ruffed in reply. Good enough, I guess.
The whimpers weren’t fading, but they were moving. I tried to find the source of the sound among the trees without going any further in than I had to. I caught a glimpse of movement behind an oak tree and stepped closer with Estrella just behind, watching for anyone coming close to us. The glimpse became a pair of adult wolves walking between streams of daylight. Or more correctly, a male limped while a female leaned into him to keep him going. Too bad she and I are taken, I thought. She was impressive. Smaller than Estrella, but something about her suggested a quiet strength that was familiar. Much like her larger-than-normal black tail tip that reminded... wait...
“Jinta?”
My ears perked up, as did Estrella’s.
Tilhack tilted his head at us. “Who is Jinta?”
“My sister,” I said. “What is she doing out here? And who’s the male?”
I watched, trying to evaluate the situation without being seen. The border marking wasn’t hers, nor anyone else I knew, which kept me from further violating the territory. Either Rajor had lost control of the pack, or Jinta was running with someone else. Either way, running to her now could put my own pack at risk. No matter how much trouble she might be in, I couldn’t take that chance.
That said, I didn’t see anyone else, pup or otherwise. Of course, that did not mean they weren’t there. The part of me requiring caution wanted to leave them. My blood refused to. Not until we know why the male is limping, or until a challenge is issued.
Another pain-filled yelp echoed as the male collapsed. I watched on while Estrella and Tilhack watched me for instructions.
“I can’t,” the male said between pants, his voice almost familiar. “I can’t go on.”
Jinta tugged at him, trying to get him back up. “Oh yes, you can. I didn’t split from Rajor’s pack to give up on you now.”
That’s one answer. At the very least, Jinta was with a new pack now. Still, something in the male seemed incredibly familiar. His voice, to a point, though his fur was the biggest pull. It was a pelt of nearly pure ash, with his underside more a brownish cream, yet still ashy. I had seen that fur pattern before, but the memory was so old, barely a fragment remained.