If I thought I’d get a moment’s reprieve, I was wrong. Rhys follows behind me and props his long body against the kitchen island, invading the small space with his presence.
“Can I hold him?” he asks cautiously.
Gone is the confident and slightly arrogant man that charmed me. In his place stands someone who is vulnerable and weary. And it’s all my fault. I’ve brought out this side of him.
I think about how different he is, standing in front of me now. He’s hardened like stone with me, and not in a good way. I can see the war raging inside of him. The distrust and hurt roll off him in waves and my heart slowly shatters.
Handing my son over to him means I’m letting my defenses down. I know without a doubt he’ll fall in love with Reid and that makes his departure that much harder - for all of us. I don’t know that I can trust myself to even see him hold our son in his arms. It could very well be my own undoing.
Rhys may not realize it, but he currently holds all the power.
Rhys
I can literally see the wheels in KJ’s mind spinning as she contemplates my question. There’s an ache in my chest, a longing, to hold this tiny being in my arms. To connect with him in some way. But she’s reluctant. I feel like we’ve taken a million steps back. The connection I felt with her seems fake now. I thought I knew her. That I could trust her. Now? I feel like a fool.
“Okay,” she whispers softly and hands Reid to me.
Our hands touch as we exchange the baby and I feel that familiar spark, reminding me of what we had. I push down the memories and focus on the little man in my arms now. Getting a good look at him for the first time, I see the tiny pieces of KJ in him. He’s got her hypnotic eyes and her cute button nose. The rest of him is all me. I’m staring at a product of raw emotion and passion. I’ve never felt anything as powerful as the love I feel for him.
It only solidifies the knowledge in my soul that I’d do anything to be a part of his life.
With Reid in my arms, the anger and hurt I feel towards KJ seems to fade. I can imagine us as a family. Raising Reid together. I feel an incredible longing to make that happen.
When she’s finished making his bottle and takes him back from me, I wonder if I can ever forgive her for keeping him from me.
“I…I’m sorry,” her voice cracks as she looks up at me with tears glistening in her eyes. “I’m sorry for keeping him from you. I can’t say that enough. But Rhys, he’s so little right now, and he needs me. I’m all he’s ever known. You can visit. We’ll set up a schedule, just don’t take him away.”
Right. I’ve got my work cut out for me. “Christ, would you stop? I don’t want to take him from you. I want to share him with you. I don’t know exactly how that looks right now, but why the hell did you think I’d want to keep you from him? I’m not you.” Hurt registers on her face as the words leave my mouth.
“I…” her mouth snaps open and closed. Minutes pass before she speaks again. “I thought you walked away from me,” is her only defense as she moves back into the living room and curls up on the couch with Reid.
“I laid myself bare for you. I thought we had something – asked you to give things a shot with me and you didn’t think at any point, it would have been wise to tell me I had a child? Damn it, I stood right in front of you, and you lied to my face.” I lean against the wall and cross my arms over my chest.
“I don’t know, okay? I don’t know. I was confused and scared. We never talked about kids or a future. We were just living in the moment. We had fun, I enjoyed every moment with you for a weekend. One weekend Rhys. I didn’t come home expecting to have a souvenir. What we had was fun, but a baby needs stability, he’s my priority now.”
“He’s our priority, KJ. Ours. It’s up to us to make him a priority, to do right by him.”
“And what does that mean for us exactly? You live in another state, and you’re a cop. On the SWAT team at that. Remember? That’s why you walked out on me the first time. Duty called. How’s that fair to him?”
Fury bubbles up inside me. As I point a finger at her, I do my best to reign it in, for Reid’s sake. He didn’t ask to be brought into this mess. “Do not throw my career in my face. You still have no idea how any of that works, and yet that’s the best defense you can come up with.” I’ve had enough of her shit. I’ve reached my tipping point already. If she wants to fight dirty, I will too. “I’m willing to do this civilly, even though it goes against everything I know. But if you really want to be a bitch about it, I’ll take you to court. I’ll fight you for joint custody. I have a right to know our son.”
I’ve hit my mark. It’s clear she gets the picture when the tears well up in her eyes again, and her lip starts trembling. Like the moron I am, I long to reach out and wipe away the tears and kiss her lips. I won’t though.
I’m don’t want to fall into that trap again.
I can’t breathe. It feels like the walls are closing in on me.
He’s right. I know he is. That doesn’t mean I’m eager to share Reid with him. With anyone.
For a split second, I selfishly wish I would have lied to him and denied Reid’s paternity. I know that makes me a horrible person. I’m selfish. Selfish and insecure. Afraid that deep down, maybe Rhys would be the better parent. Worried that as Reid grows up, he’ll like his father more than me. Or worse, hate me for keeping Rhys away.
All the more reason to work something out with him! My brain yells at me.
I’m stuck in fight or flight mode, unsure of what to say or do.
“What’s it gonna be Kelsey?”
Hearing my legal name coming from his lips stings. It’s cold and impersonal. Crazy, I know. You’d think that being called by my pen name by him would hurt more. Except, that’s all he has ever known me as. A stark reminder that all we had was based on a lie.
I’m not KJ.
KJ is wild and free, has no inhibitions. Kelsey is the woman standing before a man who was nothing more than a fling while cradling a baby in her arms. Kelsey does the right thing and plays by the rules.
I resign myself to the fact that I’m about to do the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
“Work with me?” I ask apprehensively.
A small grin cracks his face before he steels his emotions again. Game point to Rhys.
“Okay.”
Needing a diversion, I ask the question that’s been on my mind since he showed up. “Before that, want to tell me what you’re doing here. What your plan was when you showed up on my doorstep?” I’m mentally ready to slap myself for how bitchy I still sound, as the words escape my mouth, clearly missing my filter.
“Answers. I came here for answers. To see for myself that you were okay since you refused to answer my calls and texts,” he answers, matter of factly.
“That’s it? You drove all the way here to see that I was in one piece and had only been ignoring you?” My heart tears a little more.
“In the interest of remaining truthful,” he pauses, and I get what’s implied. “I thought coming here would prove I was genuine and that I wanted to make a go of things with you.”
“And now?” Why not torture myself a little bit more? I need to hear him say it’s over between us, once and for all.
“Well, now I’m not exactly left with a choice, am I?” he mumbles, and I barely hear the words. He finally takes a seat in the recliner to my right and puts his face in his hands. “I don’t know what I want, aside from doing what’s right for Reid.”
Great. He feels trapped. Obligated to be here. That’s the last thing I want, for him and for the infant sleeping in my arms now.
“I’m going to go put him down for his nap, I’ll, uh, be right back.”
I expect Rhys to follow me, but this time he doesn’t. I take advantage of the moment away from him to let out the breath I’d been holding since he showed up. Soaking in the peacefulness of going about settling Reid for his nap. A diaper change, laying him down with his bink, and a few pats on the
back. He’s out like a light and resting without a care in the world. Oblivious to the turmoil lurking on our doorstep.
I stop off in my bedroom and shut the door for a minute while I pull my cell phone from the charger and shoot off a text to Zoey.
Holy Fuck. Zoey. He’s here. Rhys is here. He now knows about Reid .
Dots appear to let me know she’s texting back.
Zoey: Oh Kelsey. Are things…ok? Relatively. Do you need me to come over?
Me: No. No. It’s okay, but he wants visitation. I’m freaking out. I feel like shit for keeping this from him. God, what have I done? He hates me, Zoey.
Zoey: He may be angry, but I doubt he truly hates you. Just breathe. I’m here if you need me.
Me: I’ll text you later. Pray for me.
Zoey: You’ll figure this out.
With my phone in my hand, I walk back into the living room. Rhys is standing at the fireplace, looking at the pictures on the mantle again, he’s got the one from my baby shower in his hand. His expression is unreadable.
When he notices my presence, he puts the picture back and turns to me, rubbing the back of his neck, “You were glowing. You looked happy.”
“I was. I am. Truly.”
“I wish I could have been there, ya know? It hurts that I missed out.”
How? How do I fix this?
“I’m sorry.”
“Sorry for keeping me from him, or sorry that I showed up and your secret came out?” The words may be harsh, but his voice isn’t.
“I’m sorry that I kept him from you. That I took away your choice. Took away the moment…moments, from you,” I move closer to him so that he’s truly looking at me for the first time since he got here. “Rhys, I am truly and utterly sorry that I did not tell you about Reid. Months ago. Last month. I’m sorry that I hesitated to tell you when you walked through the door.”
“Would you have told me, ever, if I hadn’t showed up today?”
“Honestly,” I meet his eyes and take a deep breath, “I don’t know. That’s the truth. I thought about it, God, did I think about it when we were last together.”
“But you didn’t,” he cuts me off.
“But, I didn’t,” my voice cracks. Dreadful quiet surrounds us as my words hover in the air. I can hear my heart beating while Rhys watches me, pensively. “Listen, I keep him on a schedule, and I usually have lunch while he naps. It’s about that time,” I blurt out to end the silence. I’m not sure what I’m offering him at this point.
“Anything good that delivers? We could…talk logistics.”
I was afraid he’d say that. Shit. I don’t want to sit down and hash this out. I want breathing room. Time to think everything over and come up with a plan to present to him. One that would work in my favor and make me feel comfortable. Maybe one that would make me feel a whole lot less guilt-ridden.
Rhys cocks his brow, “Earth to KJ.”
“Don’t you need to get back?” I impulsively ask. I’m putting my foot in my mouth again.
A cocky grin slips across his face quickly, before it fades again, “I planned on staying the night. Originally.”
Oh. Fuck. No.
Shit. He did not. This man is completely exasperating. His intentions for coming here originally, make my body hum. “Let me get this straight,” with my hands on my hips, I glare at him. “You drove what, four hours to get here. Showing up unannounced and you planned to stay the night? Where exactly? Suppose I wasn’t home?”
“It was a risk I was willing to take. One I’m real damn glad I took, given the situation,” he volleys back.
“I don’t know what I ever saw in you Rhys Mitchell. You’re an egotistical, demanding, and obnoxious human being who thinks he should always get his way.”
“Good enough to fuck, but not good enough to raise a child with? Right?”
His words hit their mark once again. “No. Rhys, I didn’t get pregnant on purpose, and that responsibility falls on both of us. You left off the condom. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. But when I found out I was expecting, I didn’t have a choice. There was no way that I was having an abortion or giving my child up for adoption. All I knew about you was a first name and that you were a cop. Nothing else.”
“Some would say that’s more than enough information to find me. As an author, I’d think you would know a thing or two about research.” He cocks his brows, challenging me. “Even still, I could have looked past not reaching out initially. Not telling me a month and a half ago? That’s the part I’m struggling with.”
“I said I’m sorry. I don’t know what more you want.”
Rhys brings out the brat in me, and I find myself stomping away from him in frustration and hurt.
Even with my hissy fit and roller-coaster of emotions, Rhys stuck around all day.
Reid took right to him instantly, which surprised me. As it got closer to Reid’s bedtime, he helped me give him a bath and into pjs and then we took some time to talk about a schedule where he could spend time with his son.
Watching how his face lit up when Reid cooed or smiled is almost enough to make me fall head over heels in love with Rhys. Except for the fact that he pretty much hates my guts right now. Still, he tolerated me well…for a guy who is really upset that I’ve been keeping secrets.
Once we found somewhat of a compromise, I set him up on the couch, and I retreated to my room to call Zoey again. I really need my best friend right now.
“Zoey, he said he came here with every intention of spending the night. Presumptuous much? I mean, what the hell did he think I’d lead him right to my bedroom and let him fuck me senseless?”
“Kels, you said he confessed his feelings for you. Are you really surprised he came after you? Hell, I’m surprised it took him this long. However, I would like to point out the fact that I tried to tell you to tell him the truth before. That’s all. Go on.”
I sigh into the phone, “Zoey, he looks so good with Reid. He does so well with him. Like he’s a natural. And I feel guilty. Incredibly guilty. One for keeping Reid a secret and two because I know next to nothing about him. It’s kind of sad actually. I don’t know what the hell to do!” I whine.
“Beg for forgiveness and see how this plays out. Or you could try to seduce him. That seems to work well for you two.”
“And with that terrible advice, I’m going to bed.”
“Night, boo!” Zoey coos at me, eliciting an eye roll that I know she can’t see.
“Good night, Zoey. Let’s do lunch this week, okay?”
“I’m free all week. Call me.”
Hanging up the phone, I toss and turn in bed, expecting not to get much sleep.
When I do fall asleep, I wake up – rested, several hours later, to the sounds of Rhys’ voice on the baby monitor. I jumped from the bed, ready to fight him – only to realize he was actually singing to our son. Instead of running across the hall, I tiptoed as silently as I could and peeked in to find Rhys in the rocker with a sleepy baby on his very naked chest.
Tears streamed down my face as I looked on. I tried to escape, but Rhys caught me and put a finger to his lips before he stood and gently tucked Reid back in his crib. I moved out of the doorway and leaned back against the hallway wall, trying to calm the beating in my chest as Rhys walked out.
“He woke up and started fussing. I knew you said he usually took another bottle around this time and I figured you probably don’t get much sleep. You know, doing this alone. So, I got him before he could really start crying. I made him a bottle, and we talked sports for a bit. I think I bored him back to sleep,” Rhys smiles sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. “I hope that was ok. I was only trying to help out.”
There it is again. That vulnerability that I’ve rarely seen in this man.
And I’m to blame.
“Thank you,” is all I can trust myself to say right now.
Rhys nods, “I hope I didn’t wake you.”
“Nah, I’m just used to always getting u
p this time of night. Habit.”
“Right. Well, I’m just going to go back to the couch.”
I shamelessly watch as he walks down the hall, before I withdrawal to my bedroom with a sigh. As I replay our earlier conversation over in my head, I know whatever comes next, promises to be interesting.
“I have off every other weekend. I’ll come here,” Rhys offers as he picks at the end of the Styrofoam container with his dinner in it. “Stay at a hotel nearby. Spend the days with Reid.”
With my eyes downcast, I take a moment to consider what he’s willing to do. “You could stay here. I’ll rearrange my office, put a futon in there for you to crash on. There is another event coming up in the fall, that weekend is off limits.”
“I’ll write you a check each month, to help with whatever he needs.”
“Rhys, I don’t need or want your money. That’s not what this is about.”
“Never said it was, but he is partially my responsibility. I want to take care of him.”
“I’m not taking your money.”
“Then when I’m here, I’m going to take care of whatever he needs. Not negotiable.”
I conceded.
The biggest priority? Rhys wants his name on Reid’s birth certificate.
We did the research, and he’ll have to submit to a paternity test and then we have to file for a correction. Part of me worries that he’ll use that as leverage in the future, but he’s given me no reason to doubt him. Though he’d have every right to try and get back at me.
I wish like hell I didn’t have to walk out that door today and head back home. I can’t imagine it’s going to get any easier either, even though I’m still mad as hell at KJ for keeping my…our son from me.
Every time I walk out that door, I’m going to be leaving behind my heart. Every time I get ready for work – strapping on my vest under my uniform and my duty belt, I’ll be praying to come back home. Hoping I don’t leave this earth, that I don’t leave that little boy without a father.
For the first fucking time in my life – I’m second guessing my career choice.
Hot Cop (Too Hot To Handle Book 1) Page 8