by J. Kowallis
His voice trails off and he clears his throat, taking his eyes off me and gazing out over the lake.
“Accordin’ to my memory, I’d just been at the airport. Yeh remember that day? The day we first met?”
“It’s a hard day to forget. You screamed at me and called me a bitch.”
The corners of his mouth draw up, but his eyes look sorrowful. “Aye. I’d just gotten off the phone with my da. He told me he’d been to the states to meet with a woman about Woden’s staff. I was so bloody sick and tired ‘bout hearin’ of that feckin’ stick, that I told him to go to hell. He told me who yeh were. He reminded me about the prophecy and kept poundin’ it in that it was my ‘duty.’ Destiny. I was ragin’. And when Garrit took me memory, I thought I’d just finished that call and me da had somehow picked me up from the airport and dropped into a green meadow. With a woman who had the mark of Woden on her hand. Just picked up and flung out in the middle of nowhere. And I wanted nothin’ more than to get out of there. I was terrified he’d done somethin’ to me.”
I lick my lips and drop my head, looking at Coll’s hand. His thumb starts to drag back and forth across the top of my hand.
“So, that’s the reason you were such a dick when you ran into me.” I roll my eyes, “Both times.”
Coll wrinkles his nose—the one I broke and healed—as much as his tired facial muscles will allow. “I acted like a right eejit.”
“That’s putting it nicely.”
He takes a breath. “But after Bryden, I left yeh, and I went to Sera’s. That much I remember bein’ me own decision. After she pushed yeh away, I sat down to talk wit’ her, tryin’ to get a handle on me life. When I talked with her about da, she looked at me like I was insane.”
“Because the father she knew was killed when you were children.”
Coll nods. “It didn’t take long for me to figure that out. Over the next couple weeks, I’d find myself doin’ things, sayin’ things, actin’ in ways that weren’t me. But were . . . at the same time. After ‘bout three weeks, I started to hear his voice in my head. He mentioned things, said things, and eventually made me do things I didn’t want to.
“Almost overnight, he took full control. I remember wakin’ up, and my body was already movin’. And when I looked in the mirror, I smirked at myself. Like he knew I could see.”
“Coll,” I interrupt him. It’s one of the hardest questions I think I’ve ever asked, but as much as I don’t want to hear the answer, I need to. “Was there a time, when you called me? Not him, but you.”
His mouth slowly closes, and he nods. “In the beginnin’, he wasn’t always at his strongest. Still, I remember when he went to sleep one night, we dreamed of yeh. Standin’ in Sera’s doorway and lookin’ like the world had ended.” Coll’s eyebrows jump. “In the dream, yeh—reached out to me. And I slammed the door on yeh. At that moment, I realized I needed yeh. I needed somethin’ from yeh, even if I didn’t know who yeah were, or what that was. I mean, I knew who yeh were, but I didn’t know yeh.”
I start to breathe deeply, not really wanting him to go on.
“Two days later, I fought against him at a weak point, and I managed to beat his power into submission. It was only a few minutes, but the first person I thought of contactin’ was you. Had to Google yeh.”
“You found my office number at the university,” my voice breaks, and I shake my head. “Gosh,” I mutter, “and I hung up on you.”
Coll grips my hand. “Don’t yeh dare,” his voice drops. “Don’t yeh dare blame yourself. Sera sent yeh away, and yeh didn’t know. No one did.”
I shake my head, avoiding his eyes. “I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“If yeh say that again, I’m gonna have to punish yeh. And I promise, I’ll thoroughly enjoy it. Probably as much as you will.”
“Ugh, stop.”
He brushes a couple fingers along my chin and pulls my head around to face him. “It was not yer fault. It was his. Do yeh hear me?”
I hear him, but I still can’t stop the guilt from eating at me. Wind begins to pick up around us, and I do my best to keep my emotions in check so I don’t start a rainstorm.
“I’ve never felt so helpless as I did the night he brought yeh to my flat.” Coll’s face turns red and his eyes look drained and yet wild at the same time. “I could feel myself touchin’ yeh, wantin’ to get yeh out of there, but it wasn’t me. And I could see it in your eyes. You knew it wasn’t me either, but yeh kept . . .”
I reach up with my free hand and place two trembling fingers on his lips. “I don’t need to go through that again.”
Despite my request, he pulls my hand down, and holds it. “I know.”
I steel myself, my breaths—once rapid and shallow—become low. Withheld. Coll strokes my skin under his thumb.
“When he,” he grips my hand, “figured out what yeh’d done. I knew yeh didn’t have much time left. I didn’t even have much time left. I swear, I was missin’ out on more and more. Unconscious through most hours of the day. Most times, he couldn’t even hear me.”
Now it’s his turn. Coll’s eyes, in their ruby, bloodshot state begin to mist over. A tear, two tears drip down his face.
“By the ancestors, the pain I felt as you were rippin’ him from my body made me think I’d rather die.” His teeth grit. “Imagine your bones bein’ shoved through your skin. Every last one. That’s what it felt like. And then, when I thought the spirits had taken pity on me and allowed me to die, I heard yeh. It was a peaceful release, and I knew for certain I was gone. I swore I was.”
“You heard me?” I whisper, the breeze wafting around my face, my hair lightly tickling my skin where it’s not quite pulled into my braid.
Coll reaches up and brushes my hair away from my face. “Somehow, my memories came back. All at once. Everythin’. Like an electric shock. And I heard yeh. Each and every word.” His hand cradles my face and he pulls me closer to him. For a while, he rests his forehead against mine. I can see the fatigue on his face, hear it in his voice. Even as he says, “Your spell. When my memories came back, I came back. Everythin’ yeh’d said finally hit me. And, Taran, jayz . . . you’re an eejit for fallin’ for me.”
I scowl and pull my hand back.
He squeezes my fingers before they’re entirely out of his grip. “I love yeh too, Grim.”
I squeeze my eyes shut and fresh tears trail down my face. Coll angles his face, pressing his lips against mine. I can actually feel the weakness of his body in just the single kiss, and though I’m dying to crush him against me, I hold myself back. He smiles softly against my mouth.
“Well, if that wasn’t the world’s most pathetic snog, I don’t know what is.”
“Coll,” I sigh, resting my forehead on his. “You’re tired.”
“Not too tired for you.”
He slowly traces the contours of my face and threads his fingers back into my hair, which has somehow . . . magically come loose. This time, he pulls me tightly against him and kisses me firmly. My eyes remain open, wanting to see him, remember him like this. Coll’s mouth opens against mine and I part my lips, simultaneously closing my eyes. The kiss is deep, slow. The shadow of his rough facial hair buffs against my skin and I relish in it. Not shaved. Not Ruhmactír.
I feel Coll’s heart beating against my own. He shifts his arms and laces them around me, under the blanket. When his hand travels under my shirt, over my bare skin, I shiver and pull away. Flashes of the night in his room, with Ruhmactír, go through my mind.
He must somehow understand what I’m thinking because he sighs and says, “It’s all right. It’ll take us time.”
I shake my head. “It shouldn’t.” I look him in the eye. “I know you’re the one holding me, not him.”
“Yeah, but I don’t ever want yeh to feel like that again.”
I release the blanket and run my hands over the panes of his chest. “I know.”
“Hey,” he props up my chin. “I understand.”
&nb
sp; I contemplate everything in his face, in his eyes. The depth, the way he . . . actually sees me. I sense it. The realness of him, of his words. I still think he’s a bastard from time to time, but this man isn’t his ancestor. He’s Coll. Like his sisters said, when he looks at me, I know he sees me. Knows me.
She takes my breath away. He once said.
The wind settles for a time, only wisping through the loose strands of my hair occasionally.
I wet my lips and lean forward. This time, I lean into him and grip his shirt, kissing him like I’ve wanted to. Not because the fear is completely gone, but because I have to. I need to replace that memory with another one.
His breath hitches and quickly, he gives into it. Coll wraps his arm around me and feverishly pulls me in close. This time, his hands slide down around my ass and grip tight. The blanket falls off my shoulders, but with the heat coursing through my body, I don’t really need it.
Around us, the wind coming in from across the rolling green hills spirals into a strangely warm cyclone as it whirls around, twisting my hair up towards the clouds. But only for a moment. It doesn’t take long before Coll becomes winded, kissing me weaker and weaker with limp, pitiful kisses. I laugh against his mouth, pulling away.
“You’re pathetic,” I whisper, teasing him, the wind returning to a gentle breeze.
“Aye. Now I’m the one who’s sorry,” he pants. I laugh, resting my head on his shoulder and taking a deep breath in. I notice he used Angie’s soaps. I smile and grimace all at the same time.
The draft in the air changes direction and comes at us from across the cold lake. The sensation of lake spray, cold and unrelenting, returns to my memory and I shiver. The smells of its sludgy floor, and the fear in my throat. I remember Hellia walking, almost as if on the water, and her grimoire open in front of me.
I gulp, and a shiver trails down my spine. “Coll, I have to tell you something.”
He hums a drowsy response.
“The only reason we were able to eject Ruhmactír was because—” I pause. I’m not sure why. Realizing he couldn’t possibly be angry that I saved his life, I sit up and continue. “Because I opened the grimoire of Hellia Morrigan. Inside were spells I never want to see again, including the four evils. One of the accompanying spells was the one we used to expel him from you.”
Coll frowns, watching me carefully.
“The only problem,” I pause, knowing how it sounds before I even say it, “is that by opening her book, I think I ripped some sort of hole in the thin veil between the afterlife and this one.”
His eyes widen, and he looks around briefly in shock. “What do yeh mean?”
I raise my brows. “I mean, the dead can’t cross over. At least, they shouldn’t be able to. The only way they can officially cross is through the doorway, but I think I made it much easier for Hellia’s magic to project beyond the gates of the Himaleasa. Now, luckily, Angie placed a guard on my mind, but you . . .”
“I’ll have her do the same to me,” he whispers. “What do we do after that?”
“Well, our next job would be to find the Himaleasa and seal that tear and make sure Ruhmactír is destroyed for good. Sort of like throwing him in beforehand like some damned Molotov cocktail. Hopefully in doing so, we can ultimately prevent the hexen apocalypse like we were supposed to do in the first place.”
Coll’s lips draw down in thought and he looks at me. “Is there any way possible that we can worry about it tomorra? Maybe next week?”
“I’d prefer next month, if you’re game,” I say, laying my head in the crook of his neck again.
He chuckles, the heavy exhaustion still there, and wraps his arms around me. Underneath my shoulder, I feel his heart start to pound heavier. Faster. I don’t even need to hear his tentative voice to know he’s nervous. “That’ll be perfect.”
I lift my eyes, not quite looking at him, but looking in his general direction. I feel like there’s more he wants to say, judging by the fact that he’s stopped rubbing my back. Which is an entirely new sensation for me because I never thought Coll would be the nervous type.
“Because, uh,” he pauses, “That way we’ll have time to enjoy a holiday. “
I smile. “You want to take me somewhere? We haven’t even had a normal date, you know.”
Coll presses his lips to my head, then says, “Yeah. But our lives aren’t all that normal. Are they?”
“No. I suppose not. So, what kind of trip were you thinking?”
“A couple’s trip.”
“A couple’s trip?”
“Yeah. Couples in love take trips all the time. For fun, leisure, relaxin’ . . . honeymoons.”
I sit up. The shock on my face must match the crazy collision of thoughts and shock exploding in my mind right now because Coll skews his face.
“Judgin’ by your reaction, I’ll assume yeh’d rather not.”
“N-no.” I slowly pull my eyes away, focusing on my hand, firmly planted on his chest. It takes me a while to get my thoughts in order and grasp what he just said. When my pulse starts moving again, I stroke my thumb against him. “It’s just . . .”
“Taran! Coll!” Dad calls to us from the porch of Angie’s cottage. I drag my eyes away from Coll and look over his shoulder.
“Yeah?” my voice catches.
“Would you like something to eat? We’re ordering out.”
Coll’s head drops down and I glance back at him. He reaches for my hand over his chest and grips it.
“Can you give us a minute?” I say, holding Coll’s hand in return and barely managing to breathe.
“Yup.” Dad closes the door.
I try to catch Coll’s eyes again. He just bites his lip with a knowing smile and plays with my hand. I shift myself and reach for his other hand, wrapping my fingers around it and turning his palm over. The faint, white line of his birthmark gazes up at both of us. Then, I turn over my own right hand, showing him my birthmark—along with the line through the center. The staff.
He examines it and frowns. When the reality of what he’s looking at hits him, surprise, panic, confusion . . . it all washes over his face when he looks at me.
“Coll, once upon a time, these marks felt like a choice that fate or the ancestors took from us. Decided for us. I don’t know about you, but I felt like I’d been assigned this role I had to perform whether I wanted to do it or not.”
He looks up at me, his amber eyes narrowing.
“And when Angie told me about the binding, I freaked out.”
This time, his eyebrows dive into a concerned V.
“I didn’t want another choice taken away from me. I didn’t want my future decided for me before I even got a chance to figure out what I wanted.”
“Whoa, whoa,” he grips my hand. “What are yeh—”
“Please let me finish,” I cut him off. “Angie told me I needed to come to terms with my feelings for you because of the prophecy. And I tried to. Oh, my ancestors know I tried to. I even went back to your apartment while we had you, or . . . I guess I should say Ruhmactír chained to the bed upstairs.”
“Kinky.”
I glare at him, realizing his reaction and Lotte’s were exactly the same. “I needed a quiet place where I could be alone. Where I could figure things out. But the truth is, I already knew what I wanted. I just didn’t realize it until I thought I’d lost you.”
Coll slowly licks his bottom lip. “Taran—”
“I just don’t want you to ask me this just because you have to. Or because Angie told you about the binding or the job we have. That’s the last thing I want. For both of us. Because I think we can figure out how to guard the gate of the Himaleasa without going through a binding. I mean, we can feel things out later. Just don’t ask me this because the ancestors demand it.”
He smiles, his eyes droopy and tired. “Can I talk now?”
I nod.
“Good. Woman, shut up.”
My eyes widen.
“Angie never sai
d anythin’ to me about a bindin’. I didn’t even know that was part of the prophecy. Didn’t think it had to be.”
“But you—”
“Jayz, woman. Will yeh let me finish?”
I close my mouth and he narrows his eyes playfully.
“Yeh may not know it, but I’ve had a glad eye for yeh for a while. Damn, even in my blacked-out memory phase, I knew yeh. I wanted yeh.” Coll presses my knuckles to his lips. “Taran, let’s face it, you’re sexy as hell when you’re angry, and twice as annoyin’. That fits the description of a wife in my book.”
I yank my hand out of his hold and smack his shoulder.
Coll chuckles, a light illuminated in his tired eyes.
“You’re such a dick,” I grumble.
“Taran.” He pauses.
He’s tired. In fact, he’s had a near-death experience. No wonder he’s talking like this.
I take a deep breath and look back toward the house. “You need to sleep first. You’re too tired to be making this kind of decision. I don’t know if you—”
Coll lifts an eyebrow. “Are yeh callin’ me crazy?”
“You almost died. I think you need to wait until you’re thinking a little more rationally.”
“So, yeh are callin’ me nuts.”
“You don’t think it’s reckless? A little fast? You don’t think you’ll miss out on all the other oats you could be sowing?”
He seems to think about it and shrugs. “Why sow oats when I’ve got your sexy arse sittin’ in my lap?”
I blush and cover my face with my hand.
Coll chuckles, squeezing my hand. “Listen, I don’t care if it’s fast. I nearly died and I know that if I missed out on yeh because I felt like I had to follow some daft social convention, I’d lose it. You’re smart, resourceful, loyal, dedicated, funny, and yeh’d definitely keep things interestin’. Not to mention the fact that Sera and Emilia love yeh. They do.” He nods. “I want to be bound to yeh. I kind of hoped yeh felt the same way. Especially after all that blubberin’ yeh did while I was unconscious.”
I return his smile and continue playing with his fingers. “When . . . when did you even decide to ask me this?”