Your Dreams Are Mine Now

by Ravinder Singh

  Rupali carefully broke a bite from the parantha where there was less butter and dipped it into the curd in which Arjun had dipped his fingers so many times.

  And even though Arjun was embarrassed to let Rupali eat from his cluttered plate, he loved watching her eat like a lady. He was suddenly very conscious of her presence. Her face was glowing even in the semi-darkness of the room. Her features were delicate—neither too sharp nor too soft—gentle and light. As she ate, a strand of hair fell on her face. She quickly tucked it behind her ear, but now it was shining with oiliness. Arjun kept staring at her. He could feel himself getting attracted to her. She wasn’t like any other girl he had known.

  Rupali nodded looking at Arjun, appreciating the taste, ‘This is good!’

  ‘Haina, amazing!’ Arjun said, coming out of his thoughts. Rupali took another sip of tea from her glass and stared at the leftover parantha on Arjun’s plate. ‘Half–half?’ she asked in a delighted voice.

  ‘Just because it’s you!’ Arjun said, naughtily winking at her and happily sharing whatever was left on the plate.

  After what appeared like an hour or so, the two of them finally came out of that place. While washing her hands outside with a jug of water, Rupali suddenly recalled something and shouted at Arjun who was paying at the counter.

  ‘Hey, you haven’t yet answered my religion waala question!’

  When both of them were back on the street again, Arjun asked, ‘You wanted to know if I believe in all religions?’

  Rupali nodded.

  ‘Actually, I don’t believe in God. I am an atheist,’ he clarified.

  Rupali was shocked. ‘What? So you only go to temples and gurudwaras for free ka prasad?’ she probed.

  The two of them continued to walk leisurely. They hadn’t planned where they were going next, so they unmindfully took the way back from where they had come—the temple.

  ‘Firstly, I don’t consider it free. Every time I go, I drop some money in the donation box. Even though I don’t believe in God, I cannot deny that I feel at peace whenever I come to such places. I have been to churches and mosques as well. Now there one doesn’t get to eat prasad. There is a different sort of peace I find at these places. Some sort of a calming effect, that I like experiencing. You see, I don’t believe in God, but I like these places.’ Arjun tried to explain and was sure that Rupali wouldn’t have got exactly what he wanted to say.

  Rupali thought it was an interesting argument. Here was a man in front of her, who said he was an atheist, but loved frequenting every religious place. Deciding to carry forward that discussion and wanting to know more about Arjun’s thoughts—especially why he was an atheist—she asked him where the two of them were heading.

  ‘No idea, what about you?’ he asked and smiled. In his heart, he wanted her to say she wanted to be with him. And even though he had some plans for the day, he didn’t mind cancelling them for Rupali. He wanted to know her better.

  ‘No idea . . .’ she shook her head cutely.

  ‘Then let’s go and taste the best prasad! It will be fun. Have you visited Bangla Sahib gurudwara yet?’

  Sixteen

  ‘So tell me, why don’t you believe in God?’

  They were on board a metro heading towards central Delhi. Unable to find seats, the two of them stood next to each other on the crowded train. While Rupali had rested her back against a vertical bar, Arjun held on to the support hanging above him from the roof of the train.

  ‘In fact, to answer that question, let me first ask you. Why do you believe in God?’

  Rupali couldn’t give an answer to the question. She had never felt the need to think about a reason to believe in God. It was strange and she only ended up saying, ‘Come on! So many people believe in God! If he was not there, why would so many people believe in him?’

  ‘Is that your answer? Because so many people believe in him, therefore you do too?’

  Rupali hesitated. ‘Yes, that’s my reason, because ever since I was a kid, I have been told that there is a God. That’s who we pray to at home, and in the temples. Our history establishes this fact. Those ancient holy books in various religions state that there is a God,’ she said.

  Arjun sighed and shook his head.

  Rupali spoke again, ‘Okay! Can you dismiss the epics Ramayana and Mahabharata and also deny the presence of Gods in them who killed Kansa and Ravana?’

  ‘Well, a correction, Ms Rupali Sinha,’ Arjun said. ‘In my understanding, Ram and Krishna were avatars of God and not God themselves. Mohammed was a prophet. Guru Nanak was a guru. They all were messengers of one supreme God.’

  ‘So at least you agree that there exists one supreme God!’ Rupali felt she had won the argument. There was a smile on her face.

  ‘Well, I don’t deny that.’

  ‘Yes, so when you say you don’t deny, it means that you agree. Right?’ In her excitement she raised a finger at Arjun. She wanted to nail him down.

  ‘Not denying something doesn’t mean agreeing with that thing. It simply means not denying it,’ argued Arjun.

  ‘Now you are playing with words,’ she pouted sadly. Sensing that she had suddenly lost her enthusiasm, Arjun changed the discussion. ‘Okay, listen. Here are my thoughts. If you would have listened to me carefully, you would remember that I never said that God doesn’t exist. I only said that I don’t believe in him, which means even if he exists, I do not believe in him. See, I agree that there is something out there, some supreme power that is behind the creation of this universe. While some may call it God, to me it is a black box. I am not sure who or what exactly it is.’

  Arjun’s point rekindled the interest in Rupali who now happily continued the discussion. Rupali appreciated the fact that Arjun’s disbelief in God was not baseless. Irrespective of whether or not he was right, he had a rationale to it. Two people could be equally good even when they may have completely opposite thought processes. Rupali now looked at Arjun with a lot of respect and she couldn’t deny she was enjoying his company.

  After halting at one of the stations, the metro abruptly started with a massive jerk. Along with the others, Rupali too was thrown off and since she had only rested her back on the vertical bar and wasn’t holding on to a support, she was about to fall. To save herself, she reflexively held on to Arjun’s kurta.

  Rupali, whose first thought after recovering was how to deal with the awkwardness of coming so close to Arjun, tried to move away without looking into his eyes. Suddenly, the trained jerked to a halt again. But she hadn’t seen that coming. She was still holding on to Arjun’s kurta. Arjun tried to save her this time and, suddenly, the two of them heard a sound of something tearing. It was the chest pocket of Arjun’s kurta.

  ‘Oh no! I’m so sorry!’ she cried. But she was more embarrassed than sorry. All she wanted to do in that moment was hide her face and never see Arjun till the college opened again!

  Arjun looked at his half-torn pocket. He looked at Rupali, whose hand was on her mouth.

  ‘Stop doing that and at least hold on to a support now!’ he said laughing.

  She looked even more embarrassed.

  ‘Relax! It’s okay. You didn’t do that on purpose. See, it now complements my ripped jeans!’ He chuckled, showing her the patches and threads dangling from his designer jeans.

  ‘No, it’s not okay. It looks funny and this is entirely my mistake. And it’s bothering me a lot,’ she whined.

  ‘If it’s bothering you, don’t look at it.’

  ‘How do I not look at it? It is right on your chest. Every time I look at you, I look at what I have done,’ she answered.

  ‘Then don’t look at me.’

  ‘How do I not . . .’ and she stopped short of completing it.

  Arjun looked at her and then walked away from her. She watched him interact with a few people who sat with their bulky office bags on their laps. She could make out that Arjun was asking them for something. One of them nodded and handed over something from his bag.


  It was a stapler.

  Arjun stapled his torn pocket. ‘Jugaad,’ he said with a smile. ‘Does it bother you now, madam?’

  ‘No,’ Rupali responded shyly. This caring gesture from Arjun touched her heart, yet again.

  Later in the afternoon, the two of them sat in one corner of the sanctorum surrounding the sarovar (the holy pool) in the gurudwara. Before arriving there, both had performed seva (free services) in the langar (free community kitchen) hall. It was Rupali’s first time in a gurudwara. Arjun had shown her how in a gurudwara anyone could participate in offering services like storing and polishing the shoes of the visitors, or serving food in the langar or cleaning utensils or the gurudwara complex.

  Rupali had joined Arjun in serving the langar and quite enjoyed it. Starting from letting her know that she should keep her head covered to showing her how to serve the chapattis, Arjun had quickly taught her everything. After a few rounds of serving, they ate together. All along, Arjun kept telling Rupali about all that he knew about Sikhism.

  Finally, sitting at the edge of the sarovar, Rupali was teasing Arjun on how shamelessly he had taken the prasad for the third time. Arjun kept grinning as he ate the final serving of it with great pleasure.

  They sat quietly and enjoyed the calmness of that place. For a while no one spoke anything.

  ‘For all that you do, you are so near to God and still you don’t believe in him,’ Rupali spoke.

  Arjun didn’t feel the need to respond. He didn’t.

  ‘You do so much here that a God-fearing person like me wouldn’t have thought of doing till now.’

  ‘God-fearing?’ Arjun asked. ‘I thought you believed in him rather than fearing him.’

  Rupali was quiet.

  Without expecting her to react he said, ‘I don’t come here to connect with God. I come here because I feel at peace in this divine atmosphere. I like listening to an azaan in a mosque, inhaling the smell of incense in a temple, lighting a candle in a church, sitting by the side of a sarovar in a gurudwara. I feel good experiencing all this. That’s my only takeaway.’

  As they talked, the two of them didn’t look at each other. Their eyes stared at the silent waters. It appeared as if they were not talking to each other but to the water in front of them, turn by turn.

  ‘I have never met an interesting person like you, who has crossed the man-made boundaries of religion and still rejects the idea of God,’ Rupali said softly without expecting any further arguments from Arjun.

  But he responded, ‘What’s the point of believing in him if he is not there when you need him the most?’

  Rupali turned her head towards Arjun and asked, ‘What do you mean by that?’

  It took Arjun a few moments of silence and Rupali a few moments of anticipation before he spoke again.

  ‘Heard of the Benares bomb blasts in the year 2006?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I lost my elder sister in it.’

  ‘Oh! I am so sorry to hear that!’ Rupali could almost understand why Arjun had lost the faith in God.

  ‘She was such a nice human being. She used to help everyone in need and didn’t mind sacrificing her time, energy and money for others. Just like you. A lot more religious than me. Yes, back then, I had faith in God—something that I lost after she died in that temple and her dear God, to whom she prayed for ages, couldn’t do anything.’

  ‘I can see that you have been holding on to this grudge against God for not saving your sister. But eventually, we will all die one day. Everyone who takes birth has to die. Should one stop believing in God then?’

  ‘Yes, everyone has to die one day. But no one deserves to die that way—in a bomb blast,’ Arjun said, looking at her with some rage.

  ‘But it was an act of terrorists. Why are you holding God responsible for it?’

  ‘Because if the world believes that God is that supreme power without whose permission nothing happens, then I have all the right to believe that that very God killed my sister. Yes, that’s what I believe.’ Arjun sounded rebellious. He pulled his eyes away from Rupali, back to the water.

  ‘Don’t say that, Arjun . . .’ Rupali softly urged.

  ‘Why not? Wasn’t it God’s wish? My sister had dreams. She wanted to do a lot of things. She didn’t deserve this. What was her fault . . .’

  Then he felt Rupali’s hand over his right shoulder. Arjun calmed down. ‘I am . . . I am sorry.’

  Rupali noticed his moist eyes. She gently rubbed his shoulder. ‘I don’t know if this is true, but our religion says that our destinies are defined by our karma.’

  ‘Yes, it says so. And everyone who knows my sister would vouch for her good karma,’ Arjun responded. ‘And my lack of faith in God is not just limited to what happened with my sister. Read the newspapers. Little kids who haven’t even gained consciousness die cruel deaths. What about their karma? Had they even turned old enough to perform their karma? And if not, then based on which karma did God write their destiny?’ he asked.

  ‘We carry forward our karma from our previous lives . . .’ ‘But isn’t this bizarre? How would I know what I have done in my past life? Shouldn’t this balance sheet of karma and destiny be settled in one life rather than be carried forward from one to the next? Why reward me or penalize me for what I have done in my past life, which I have absolutely no idea about? Why not do it in this life?’

  Rupali looked at Arjun. She wanted to change Arjun’s notions on the subject of God, but Arjun ended up challenging her understanding. Her idea was not to win the debate, but to try her bit to make Arjun regain his lost faith.

  She looked so miserable that Arjun felt she was going to cry. So he changed the topic.

  ‘And what karma did I do that a girl from DU ended up tearing the pocket of my kurta in a crowded metro?’

  Rupali smiled suddenly. ‘Don’t worry, I will stitch the pocket back,’ she said, grinning naughtily.

  ‘Really? I wouldn’t mind availing that offer!’ he said, laughing.

  Rupali nodded confidently. They had a few light moments after that. And after their heavy discussion, these moments by the side of the sarovar appeared like real bliss.

  When evening fell they left for the campus. At the gate of the girls’ hostel, Arjun bid her goodbye, but not before the two of them had decided when and where they were going to meet the next day.

  Seventeen

  The holidays were passing by rather quickly for some reason. There was always something new to do. Rupali was enjoying being a tourist in Delhi. One more thing made her very happy—to pick up a topic and discuss and debate it with Arjun. From religions to reservations, from global warming to local mindsets, their agenda had extremely diverse items. Often they would come up with probable solutions to the existing challenges. And the whole exercise of brainstorming became very interesting. At times they were not in agreement and had contradictory views over a subject matter. But interestingly, they never fought to prove I-am-right-and-youare-wrong. They respected each other’s opinions and politely disagreed. It had become a habit for Rupali to jot down the interesting things she learnt from Arjun.

  Little did the two realize how the passing days had brought them emotionally close to each other. They would go to places like India Gate and Akshardham and, at times, roam in the markets of Janpath and Sarojini Nagar, randomly buying something for themselves. They would spend an entire day in each other’s company. Once out of her hostel in the morning, Rupali would only come back late in the evening. If there was still some time left for her hostel gates to be locked, the two of them would chit-chat for a few moments next to the lawns; else Arjun would drop her on his bike. Every passing day made them depend on each other’s company, so much so, that if they did not see each other for one day they missed each other terribly. They didn’t realize this until it happened one day.

  Arjun had to go to Karnal to attend a relative’s wedding. In his absence, Rupali accepted the invitation to join a few girls from the hostel
on their shopping spree, one that she had otherwise said no to. But that didn’t comfort her at all! She was used to seeing him every day. All of a sudden, his absence after so many days had left a void that she found difficult to fill.

  Miles apart from her in a distant city amid the bustling gathering of a wedding celebration, Arjun, too, felt as if something was incomplete. It appeared unusual to him to not listen to her lively chatter, her lovely innocent voice. With happy faces surrounding him, he wondered what was missing. Why wasn’t he happy? Why was he so troubled that he hadn’t seen Rupali?

  Marriages, music, celebrations, meeting relatives, all these would excite him earlier. He always waited for such events to happen and would get completely involved in the spirit of it. Then why was it that he did not feel like meeting anyone now? Why was it that he was waiting for the ceremonies to get over so he could go back to the same routine with Rupali?

  Something had changed for the both of them.

  And the only way to tide over this loneliness was to text each other. So they ended up sending SMSes to each other. To save herself from unwanted attention Rupali had put her mobile phone on the vibration mode. She knew some of the girls she was hanging out with were big-time gossipers.

  In the afternoon when Rupali was having a quick meal with her friends in the food court of a mall, Arjun sent a few messages. She thought she would respond after finishing her meal. She also wanted to avoid texting too frequently in front of the other girls.

  All this while, however, Arjun kept checking his cellphone in anticipation. He wondered why all of a sudden he had stopped getting responses. It bothered him. He felt he could not concentrate on anything else till Rupali wrote back. It was a strange feeling that was making him impatient.

  When he could not wait any longer, he dialled her number. When Rupali saw his call, she was overjoyed. Her eyes lit up even though she tried to keep her feelings from showing. The other girls noticed and smiled knowingly at each other. Rupali avoided their eyes, excused herself and walked away from them for a bit. Now that was a mistake which confirmed the suspicion of the other girls.