by Kahlen Aymes
“Can they put both of your names on the cover?” Jeff asked. “I want to sue this bitch, but my first concern is your career. Let’s face it. You have two dozen books already, you’ll write more.”
I shook my head. “Marcia suggested the same thing, but I don’t want to do that. Addison deserves to publish under her name. This is her first book.”
Addison had been looking at me while I spoke. I could feel her eyes on my flesh as if she was touching me and I turned to meet her gaze. She looked sad and resigned.
“I understand if you think that’s the best thing to do, Jax.”
“No, you don’t understand, Addison!” I stood up abruptly, raising my voice. I started pacing the room, then turned on her. “You deserve your own break-out moment. You’ll question whether you could have made it on your own if you are chained to me on your first release. For the rest of your life… you’ll wonder! You’ll never know if it was your book, or my name, that made it successful. I won’t do that to you. Do you think I want that on my conscience?”
“But… I don’t want your career or reputation ruined, either” she shook her head, her eyes welling with tears. When they tumbled down her cheeks, my heart broke even though I was angry at her.
“You should have thought about that before you signed that fucking contract when I told you not to!” I barked and she visibly started in her chair.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you! How could I know it would be you they gave it to, or even that it would be this particular book? Gloria said signing the contract would put my work in front of publishers and that was a way to get my foot in the door. Even then, I told her no. She did slide that clause in after I said no.
“Why didn’t you wait to sign anything until I got back? Was it so urgent you couldn’t wait six weeks?”
“I did it because I didn’t want you to think I was hooking up with you just to get published. I wanted to do it on my own.” Tears welled in her eyes again. When she looked so innocent and damaged, I wanted to do nothing but protect her.
My heart was waging a war with my mind. It made more sense now. “Gloria is a viper!”
“How was I supposed to know that? She was your agent! I thought you trusted her, so I could, too!” Addison said tearfully, slumping back in her chair and putting a hand over her eyes. “I’m sorry I fucked everything up!”
Jeff sat quietly in his chair watching the situation play out between me and Addison, but his brow arched up and his gaze met mine.
“Marcia did have another solution. We let it publish, I’ll give you every bit of the royalties, and then, you take the new manuscript I’m writing and publish under your name. At least you’ll have your name on a cover… without mine.”
“No, no.” Addison shook her head adamantly. “No, I don’t want to take your book. Do you think it would be any easier to reconcile?”
“I don’t want to do this, either, Addison, but I don’t see another way to make this whole. Even doing this is still wrong, but at least then you wouldn’t be tied to me.” I spoke directly to her. I still felt defiant, but I couldn’t help pulling out a handkerchief and handing it to her. Addison reached out slowly and used it to wipe her eyes. “Gloria has a bunch of contacts in the media and there is no way she won’t spin this if we go public. It could ruin both of our careers.”
“I don’t have a career yet,” she said brokenly.
I paused. Neither option would work and still let Addison stand on her own laurels. “I know, and that’s why I can’t do that to you. If someone has to take a bath on this, it will be me. As far as the media is concerned, I stole your book.”
My brother shook his head and Addison looked shell shocked.
“No, Jax,” he said. “If S & S doesn’t want to sue any of their authors, then that applies to you, too. What happens to you if you simply back out?”
“Nothing, except my reputation would be ruined, anyway. Even if they didn’t publicize the details and sue me, they’d lose millions on unfulfilled orders and no one would trust me to meet my deadlines. No one will want to publish my work ever again. No biggie,” I said, drolly. “But I guess that’s better than being tagged a thief. But right now, I really don’t give a shit. I don’t care if I ever publish another book.”
“But, I do,” Addison’s soft voice interjected. “You can have the manuscript, Jax. Let them publish it as yours. I couldn’t live with myself if your career was ruined because I was so stupid.” She wiped at her cheeks with both hands before lopping her and stood to leave. “Thank you for trying to help me,” she said to my brother.
She rushed for the door, but I reached out and stopped her. My hand closed around her upper arm. “I don’t want your book, Addison. You were so certain I stole it; I refuse to take it as charity. I’d rather rot in hell then pass off your work as mine! You don’t get to doubt me then set yourself up as the martyr when you signed a contract that I told you not to sign!”
Finally, the emotions of anger, frustration and hurt were to the boiling point and erupted. My heart was beating hard, my chest was tight… I felt like I was drowning, and I might as well be. I was on the verge of losing my career and the only woman I’d ever loved. To make matters worse, I felt like a chump.
“Jax. Let her go,” Jefferson commanded. “Now.”
I looked into Addison’s frightened face and consciously unwrapped my hand from where I was holding her. “Just so we’re clear, I’ll take the heat on this with the Simon & Schuster, I’ll deal with my reputation taking a dive, I’ll deal with it all. But you and I are done.” As soon as I’d said it, I felt like my chest opened up like a black hole, sucking the universe around me inside.
Addison gasped and her face crumpled, but she nodded, then stood taller and rushed from the office. I knew she’d break down the minute she was on the other side of the door, but she was trying to save face.
I ran both hands through my hair and turned toward my brother who was shaking his head.
“Classy,” Jeff admonished. “I never thought I’d see you lose it like that Jaxon. You didn’t have to be so hard on her. She’s in love with you.”
When he called me by my full name, I felt like I was being scolded by my father.
“I don’t believe in love. We fucked. We had a good time. I saw something in her writing but I now I wish I’d never laid eyes on her.”
He studied me, knowingly. “Right. Lie to yourself if you want, but we both know the truth.”
I huffed. “She didn’t trust me! She got us into this fucking mess because she didn’t do what I told her to do, and then, when it blew up, she automatically thought I’d sold her out. If that’s love, then I don’t need it,” I said in disgust.
I wanted to make sure Addison was out of the building and in a cab before I left the offices. I struggled to fill my lungs. I started walking toward the door, hating her and hating myself just as much.
“Don’t do anything rash. Let’s just think about things for a day or so, okay?” Jeff’s eyebrows rose. “Jax? Give me a chance to get you out of this. In the meantime, we need to fire that bitch, Gloria.”
Nothing truer had ever been said. I nodded my approval and he continued.
“Okay, do you want to do it, or should I draft a letter? I’ll have her served that you’re suing her, too.”
I stopped on my way out of the office and turned back. “No, I don’t want to set off a fire storm for the publishing house. We all got fucked by Gloria, and they don’t need any bad PR. Truthfully, I just want to drop the agency, but I need my relationship with the publisher to remain stable. Maybe I can just pay them off. It will take every dime I have, but at least I’d have my reputation. I can always write more books.”
He was a damn fine lawyer, but there was nothing he could do to get me out of this one, and I knew it.
“I understand, but let’s have a little fun with Gloria, at least. If we threaten to sue the firm, they’ll be appraised of her shady shit and at the very least, she’ll be ou
t on her ass, and we’ll have a signed NDA. Call it my civic duty. It’s her career that should tank, Jax.”
“Agreed,” I nodded, with a new respect for my lawyer brother. I continued my path out of his office running over the entire meeting in my mind. Getting Gloria fired wasn’t much satisfaction in light of everything she’d done, but right now, I just didn’t care one way or the other. What I wouldn’t give if I could rewind the world a few weeks before I went to Tennessee and everything fell to shit with Addison. Admitting that to myself made me feel weak.
I didn’t know what I was going to do with myself. I could come off of sabbatical at Columbia and finish out the semester, but then, I’d have to look at Addison for the next few weeks. Whatever the misery was that washed over me while we were both in Jefferson’s office wasn’t something I wanted to relive. It was hell. A mixture of anger, heartbreak, longing and love. It hit me like a pile of bricks; I was in love with her. I don’t know why I didn’t realize it before. For the first time in my life, this was what it felt like. This sick ache inside was what it felt like to lose the one person you want most. Out of a world full of beautiful and smart women, why in the hell did it have to be with the one who didn’t trust me?
“Fuck!” I muttered under my breath. I sucked in enough air to fill the deepest recesses of my lungs and ran my hand through my hair in frustration.
Maybe it would benefit me to swear off women for a while. God knew, between the two of them, Gloria and Addison had royally fucked me over, and what I needed right now was to clear my head and figure out how to get out of this mess. I needed time to clear my heart of Addison, I decided with conviction. I was me, after all, and I didn’t let my emotions rule my world. No, I’d take a break from New York, give her time to get out of my class without me around, and finish my book, beg Marcia to let me have extra time and offer to reimburse them for everything they’d spent on the project so far. One more semester and Addison would be out of the university and out of my life for good, and I’d have a book to publish. Maybe then, I’d be able to breathe. Yeah, that had to be the plan. I’d go back to Marcia and throw myself on her mercy.
On the elevator ride down, I made a decision to head back to Tennessee for however long I needed to finish my book, and let Jeff handle everything, here. Including Gloria.
When the elevator doors opened and I walked out, my gaze immediately landed on Addison. She was waiting in the lobby wearing a smart long black wool coat over her suit. My heart stopped at the sight of her. Her eyes were red, and her face showed signs of a torrent of tears, though she didn’t seem to notice the curious glances she was getting from the lobby patrons. Her make-up was streaked, and mascara was smudged under her eyes. She was clearly very upset.
“Jax, please,” she beseeched as I walked toward her.
I stopped short of touching her and shoved my hands in my pants pockets to prevent the natural response. I wanted to walk by her, I wanted to hear something from her that would explain why she could believe I’d ever sell her out. My heart wouldn’t allow me to shun her.
“Please, what?” I averted my eyes around the lobby in avoidance; I could look at anything but that beautiful, sad face. I didn’t want to see her so vulnerable. I didn’t want to want her. I didn’t want to love her. Nothing had ever been so fucking painful.
“Can we talk?” Her voice was soft but tortured, and the sound of it took a hold of my heart and squeezed. People milling through the building lobby made her difficult to hear and I stepped closer, hating the hold she had over me. “Please?”
I sighed and scrubbed a hand down over my face. The smell of her perfume assaulted my senses. Familiar, and reminding me of so many intimate moments. I closed my eyes painfully.
“Not here,” I said and took her elbow to guide her outside. I hailed a taxi and waited for Addison to precede me inside. My body was already buzzing just being near her, but I had this unexplainable ache in my chest. My throat felt thick and my eyes burned. What the fuck was happening to me?
The inside of the car was warm in contrast to the mid-November weather, but I was thankful for the space between us. Addison was sitting behind the driver and I was almost plastered up against the back-passenger side door. It felt foreign to not reach out and pull her to my side, to kiss her forehead, or that sweet, pouty mouth that begged for it. Christ! I swallowed hard.
“Where to, buddy?” the driver asked.
I shook myself out of my reverie and gave the driver the intersection of my building. Addison’s eyes met mine, and I instantly changed my mind. “Can you just drive around for a while?”
“No problem. Whatever you want. Any specific part of the city?”
“Stay on the island.” The driver nodded and without a word, pulled into the stream of traffic.
“After everything, you’re going to make me do this here?” Addison asked, with a shake of her head. “Really?”
“After everything, you think I stole your fucking book?” I mocked. “Maybe all of my bestsellers were written by ghostwriters. Is that what you think of me?”
Her face crumpled and she shook her head. “No. But I’m not doing this in the back of a cab with someone listening. Can you please stop the car, sir?” she directed her request to the burly cabby. “May I get out?”
“Sure miss,” he replied.
Within seconds we were pulled over less than five blocks from where we started.
Addison clutched her bag on her lap and opened it for some cash she left on the seat next to me, then pushed open her door and exited.
“Shit! I exclaimed, panic setting in. There was no way I could let her run away from me. She was upset and I had no way of knowing where she’d go, or if she could get hurt. We were miles from her small studio apartment, and I had no way of being sure she wouldn’t get lost in her precarious state.
“Addison!” I called after I’d opened the window. She looked back, but then hastened her pace away from me. We were on Park Avenue and E. 64th, and she was heading west toward Central Park at a half walk, half run. “Goddamn it! Hold on.” I threw another hundred on the seat next to the ten she put there. “The fare is on the seat. Thanks.”
I should let her go, but something deep inside wouldn’t let me. Things weren’t settled between us, and if anything, we needed to have it out so we could both move on, I reasoned. But the truth was, she was crying and didn’t know where she was going. I couldn’t just let her run around New York in her condition. I started after her in a light jog. I didn’t bother calling her name again because she’d only run faster. I saw the red awnings of Plaza Athe´nee hotel in front of us. It was barely noon and it might turn heads if we went inside, but I didn’t care. I’d considered the Museum of Modern Art as I’d passed for our discussion, but it didn’t offer enough privacy.
I caught up to her and took her elbow. “Wait!”
She gasped in surprise and we were both breathing harder than normal from our recent chase. We stood on the sidewalk looking at each other.
“Come on,” I said, heading into the 5-star establishment, ushering Addison in front of me. The doorman opened the door without a word. “Thank you,” I murmured.
Once inside, I released her arm and turned to face her. “Wait here,” I said firmly. It was my intention to book a room.
“You’re getting a room?” She asked, astonished. “Sex isn’t going to fix this, Jax.”
I huffed indignantly, my yes locking with hers. “Yeah, I know, but a room offers a hell of a lot more privacy than one of the restaurants or the lobby. Unless you’d rather that?”
“Oh,” Addison said quietly.
The hotel had an old-world charm with arched doorways between the restaurants and the lobby, dark wallpaper and dark wood. I’d stayed in this hotel a couple of times after events that were held here. The place was pricey and elegant. The colors and ambiance more masculine than the newer hotels in the area. There was a sitting area with a TV and dark grey velvet sofas across from the admissions and
concierge desks and I ushered her to one of them. “Wait here, and don’t run off the minute my back is turned,” I commanded. “You wanted to talk, so we’re going to have it out.”
After I’d booked the room, I went back to her where she stood. “Let’s go,” I said, nodding toward the elevators.
Once inside, I glance at the small envelope containing the card key. My mind registered the number briefly before I pushed the button for the twenty fifth floor. I didn’t know how much the room was, or even what kind it was, and it didn’t matter. The air in the elevator was charged, but I kept my eyes on the small key envelope I was fiddling with in my hands. 2539 had been written on it in black Sharpie by the desk clerk. This place was dripping with money.
When the elevator arrived on the twentieth floor, I ushered Addison to precede me into the hallway. I led the way to the room at the end of one hall and tapped the key lightly on the sensor pad. When the light turned green, I opened the door and held it open until Addison walked past me into the room.
I barely registered the wet bar on one wall by a sitting area and the deep red wallpaper, but the kind sized bed screamed its presence. I’d been gone for a month and so desire surged. We hadn’t made love in as long and even though I was angry, I wanted to sink into her softness and kiss her senseless, to take comfort from where I wanted it most. Already my body was reacting to just being in the same room with her. For the first time in my life I was pissed off that someone had aroused me. I felt that my dick, which was beginning to throb and spring to life, was a traitor to my heart.
When the door closed behind me with a decisive click, I threw the key down on a side table that was situated just inside the door, and then leaned back against it, shoving both of my hands into my pants pocket. I watched her remove her coat and lay it over the back of one of the sofas. I inhaled deeply through my nose. Her body was slender, but she had subtle curves in all the right places. My eyes devoured her, roaming over her from head to toe, and my cock reacted.
I stood there, watching her, brooding, inhaling a deep breath, I willed my body to shut off. My eyes closed and I leaned my head back against the door.