Many of you understand how uncomfortable disagreement is to a deeply feeling and harmony-loving person. We make our decisions based on feelings—our own and those of others. Leaving ourselves wide open to criticism or judgment is nerve-wracking. When under stress, we operate from pure emotion. Discord has us scrambling to return the peace to avoid personal outbursts and pain to others and ourselves.
My heart skips a beat every time someone disagrees with something I write, but yet, I can’t stop telling my story. I have this strong desire to connect with and help others. That desire and yes, the positive responses I receive, overpower the fear.
SELF-CONFRONTING, WE HAVE TO DO IT
It took me a while to fully own up to my contribution to the breakdown of my marriage. I put the majority of the blame for our divorce on my ex-husband. It was four years after our divorce before I could I say I didn’t work hard enough to understand/accept/love him.
When we were married, I talked contemptuously about him with my friends and family. I didn’t have his back.
I was not open to fostering his growth unless he understood and supported mine.
I wanted to stay true to myself but not within the relationship.
WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR HAPPINESS AND THE HEALTH OF OUR RELATIONSHIP
Two major things I have learned through subsequent relationships, thousands of hours of research, and countless hours of self-examination, are: 1) To acknowledge my contribution to the conflict in a relationship; and 2) To work toward resolution with my partner. I can’t just plan to change my partner or change the relationship. I have to be open to changing me. If we don’t take responsibility for our contribution to the argument and its resolution, then relief is solely in the hands of the other person. We remain steadfastly in victimhood. If we take ownership we self-direct and lead our lives.
One of my favorite phrases my significant other uses is, “We’ll figure this out.” When we come to a crossroads or conflict in our relationship, he’ll reassure me with those words. I now find myself using them with him. I also like, “How can I help?” Both sentences lead to mutual resolution of the issue.
CONFESSION
I didn’t try very hard to teach my husband what being an introvert and highly sensitive person meant. I was still embarrassed by it. I was empty and anxious and it seemed he just expected me to keep barreling through life. I was so worn out. I wanted to be understood and supported emotionally.
His presence usually meant putting on my dynamic-mom mask because he had such drive and intensity. He thrived on the meritocratic lifestyle. I withered. I wanted to love him, but I didn’t really know him. I only knew the way of living he provided and embodied. That turned me off.
Admittedly, I spent little time trying to figure out what his fears were. He never showed much emotion other than occasional anger. I never felt a sense of safety and warmth. I assumed he was incapable of deep emotions and true connection.
I felt shame and guilt for needing time away from my family. I didn’t know how to own my way of being, show up consistently for others, or earn respect. I asked for freedom. I was cold. I was lonely. Like an avoidantly attached person, I withdrew. I found validation and understanding from others (like an ambivalent type). I caused a lot of hurt.
According to the article, “The Art of Confrontation: How Conflict Can Improve a Feeler’s Relationships”, research from Baylor University’s College of Arts and Sciences found withdrawal is far more prevalent in distressed relationships and has a negative impact on a couple’s ability to resolve an issue.
I SEE YOU AND WANT TO UNDERSTAND YOU
Understanding the other person’s point of view and expressing our understanding back to them go a long way toward conflict resolution. When we are at odds with a partner, friend, or family member, our knee-jerk reaction is to stand up for ourselves. We want to relay our needs or wants and have the other person accommodate us. They have to change in order for us to be happy. Quite often if we get perspective, we figure out it is us who need to change. Antonia Dodge of the personality typing website and podcast Personality Hacker says that personal growth is when we slap our foreheads and say, “Oh! I’m the asshole!”
How many times have we fought with someone to no avail? There was no resolution, just back and forth defensiveness. Defensiveness means the other person does not feel heard or understood. They still want to plead their case. The secret to stopping the defensive, unproductive spiral is to stop replying with our own points and wants and to start replying to our partner’s points and wants. Shift from our perspective to theirs. Ask questions about their point of view until they feel understood. We say things like, “Let me see if I have this right. You are upset because I spent too much time looking at my phone at dinner and that made you feel unimportant?” We rephrase what they said, to show we are listening. When we have a good grasp on our partner’s perspective, we can say, “That makes sense that you feel that way because I would feel ignored too if you looked at your phone all night.” Relationship therapist, Jayson Gaddis, teaches the comforting effect of the phrase, “That makes sense.” When we hear it, we feel like our partner is tuned into us. It’s both validating and empathic.
We know our partner feels heard because we ask, “Is there anything else you would like to say?” until they say, “No.” If we are in a loving secure relationship, our partner will do the same for us. Once armed with clarity, win/win solutions are within reach.
WIN/LOSE
The competitive, résumé virtue laden meritocracy we live in often has us existing in a win/lose or lose/win environment. If we are immersed in a world of conditional love, where we have to be better than others or live up to other’s expectations (dependency) to receive approval we are set up for a win/lose outcome. This mentality insists there is not enough love, wealth, happiness, etc. to go around. It’s often called the scarcity mentality. It leads us to use power, money, and status to get what we want. Those things don’t fuel love relationships. They put us on the defensive and diminish creativity and cooperation.
WIN/WIN
Win/win believes in an alternative third response. It is not about you winning or me winning. It’s about finding a better way so we both win. It is not the same thing as a compromise. In a compromise, both parties give up a little of their desired outcome so 1 + 1 = 1 ½. Win/win is synergistic, as mentioned in Practice Three, because the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. 1 + 1 = 3 or more. It is the best option for an interdependent relationship because in the long run if it is not a win for both partners, it eventually becomes a loss for both. Repressed resentment or sadness caused by too many losses always surfaces, usually in impulsive, negative, reactive ways. A win/win practice begins with the character of the people involved and includes consideration of the relationship.
Couples in or working toward a secure relationship trust each other. They are mindful of their partner’s needs, so distancing and clinging are minimized. With trust as a foundation, they are able to focus on the issues rather than personalities or position. There is enough reassurance and security in the relationship to allow for open communication, learning and creativity—all fertile ground for win/win solutions.
Win/lose is transactional. Win/win is transformational. In win/win, interdependent synergy takes place, transforming the individuals and the relationship.
According to Roger Fisher and William Ury’s classic book on negotiating, Getting to Yes, there are several key components of a win/win process.
•One is to see the problem from the other person’s perspective, to understand their point of view and their desires
•Another is to focus on interests and concerns, not positions
•A third component is to come up with solutions that represent a mutual gain
Here’s an example of win/win in action. Adam and Lucy have been married for ten years. They have two young childre
n and busy careers. Lately, they can’t find any time for each other. Adam gets up early and goes to work, while Lucy sleeps later and gets the children off to school. Lucy is a night owl and stays up until 11:00 p.m. watching television or working on her laptop, while Adam goes to bed at 9:00 p.m. just after putting the kids down. They both value their relationship and enjoy each other’s company. They take care to listen to each other and shore each other up when one needs help. They are a team.
With Adam leaving early and Lucy staying up late, they are like ships in the night, missing out on connecting during one-on-one time.
Adam knows Lucy enjoys her alone time at night. It helps her wind down and come back to herself. Lucy knows Adam has the most energy in the morning and likes to get to work early while it’s still quiet at the office.
Adam could force himself to stay up later to spend time with Lucy, but that would be a lose/win for him and for Lucy too, because likes having alone time at night. Lucy could go to bed early or get up early to spend time with Adam, but that would be a sacrifice or lose/win for her. Because they truly respect each other and make their relationship a priority, they put their heads together to come up with a win/win solution.
They came up with a fulfilling option. Instead of watching TV or working on her computer right away after the kids are in bed, Lucy would get ready for bed with Adam and put Adam to bed. They would spend time talking about their days, working through any issues that needed resolving, reading to each other, or making love. After tucking him in, she was free to watch TV or work on her laptop. It looks like a compromise, because both partners give a little time but the result is more than the input. It is not merely transactional, i.e. “I’ll trade a little of my time for a little of yours.” The small give from each person, lifts their relationship and each of their self-esteem to a new level. It reinforces their trust and gives them the intimacy they crave. They both got what they wanted. They both slept better too because of the oxytocin boost from the physical intimacy and the overall relaxing effect mutuality and security bring.
WHY THE HARD CONVERSATIONS ARE IMPORTANT
Most people do not enjoy conflict, but without it the depth and growth of our relationships suffer.
We could withdraw and avoid disagreements, which, although appealing to introverts and avoidant attachment types, does not allow us to go back and forth getting each other’s perspective. It doesn’t allow us to mitigate defensiveness or form win/win solutions. It does not give our partner any reassurance. Withdrawing briefly to get calm and personal clarity is acceptable if a return time is given and our partner is assured of our commitment to work through the issue.
We could avoid all difficult conversations and keep our relationships emotionless and superficially focused, but then there is no vulnerability, growth, or intimacy. The hard conversations and their resolutions are often where the connection, maturity, respect, and trust develop. This tactic could leave us feeling lonely within a relationship.
We could give in every time and let a lose/win dynamic take over, letting losses and resentment pile up until they have to be released in impulsive, unproductive reactions. I think it is clear that is not a good option.
What it comes down to is that conflict is necessary. It gets us back to our integrity and fosters our wholeness. It makes us work on our character and our relationship. The tension it causes is often the catalyst that makes us change, take action, and grow.
Carl Jung said we choose partners to expand who we are. We experience conflict and healing through relationships. Our partners ideally challenge and support us on our path to wholeness.
THE CHALLENGE OF CONFLICT AND ACTION STEPS TO RELIEVE IT
Conflict feels like a challenge to our security, but intentional behavior versus reactive behavior, turns conflict into an opportunity to heal and grow toward wholeness and maturity. The next time there is tension between you and your loved one, apply the following actions to allow the disagreement to transform your relationship from insecure to secure:
1.Do not avoid the conflict. Avoidance only makes it worse.
2.Do not react with your primitive brain. Get calm first. Take deep breaths. Give yourself time to gather yourself but let your partner know when you will return. Name the emotions you feel. Consider whether the friction is related to a wound you suffered in the past.
3.Think about your contribution. Are you projecting the behavior of a past intimate partner onto your current partner? How did you incite this friction? Did you react impulsively, not consciously?
4.Return to your partner and initiate repair swiftly regarding your contribution to the argument. Threats to a relationship tend to expand and invade our hearts and minds quickly and need to be nipped in the bud as soon as possible. Start by meeting face-to-face and touch, hold hands, or hug your partner to let them know you have good intentions and want to be close with them.
5.Next, ask questions that help you understand your partner’s perspective. Rephrase their answers until their reaction makes sense to you and you can tell them so. Do not deny or discount their experience. Listen for clarity and understanding, not to be right or to win. Resist the urge to respond with your own story.
6.Ask them if they have anything else to share, until they don’t. If they are defensive, they don’t feel completely heard yet.
7.Use your knowledge of their relationship history and attachment style to soothe them. If they are insecurely avoidant, give them space to self-regulate and make sure their worst fears (rejection, unavailability, punishment) do not happen. Reassure them you wish to work this out and stay together. If they are insecurely ambivalent, provide lots of reassurance and make sure their worst fears (abandonment, inconsistent attention) do not come true. Tell them you are in it for the long haul and want to come out stronger as a couple after working through this conflict. Use your knowledge of your own attachment style to head off unproductive reactions. Use words to respectfully ask for space if you are an avoidant type. Manage your emotions and give your partner space to process the situation if you are an ambivalent type. Lean on your own integrity and ability to comfort and depend on someone else to help regain connection with your partner if you are securely attached.
8.Bask in the warmth of conflict resolution. Working through an obstacle moves you further out of the Reality Phase and into the Secure Phase. Trust is earned. It heals old wounds and fosters personal growth.
Practice Six: Calming Each Other’s Nervous Systems Principles of Responsiveness
“You’re not like the others. I’ve seen a few; I know. When I talk, you look at me. When I said something about the moon, you looked at the moon,
last night.” —Ray Bradbury
I’ve known for years that my nervous system is more easily aroused than about 80% of the population. I startle more often. I can only handle groups of people for so long before I need quiet time to myself. I am highly attuned to other’s energy—positive or negative. Anything from emotions to lighting can feel overstimulating to me.
I HAVEN’T ALWAYS FELT HIGHLY SENSITIVE
Growing up, I did not generally feel overstimulated. It was not until I found myself married with three children living in the successful suburbs that I started to feel overwhelmed frequently. The materialistic and achievement focused lifestyle hit the tipping point of my ability to manage it in a composed manner.
I often felt alone. During the marriage, and especially toward the end of it, there was not a lot of soothing going on between my husband and me. We both did our best to heal our own wounds and those of our children, but those took us farther away from each other. We did not know how to work through the stress together. We were not capable of supporting each other emotionally, but a lot of emotions—such as anger, sadness, overwhelm—lingered in our home.
AROUSAL AND STRESS
We talked about self-soothing in the independence section of thi
s book. I still believe it is a valuable skill; however, a truth for me is that it is most effective if done within a secure and supportive relationship.
The ability to soothe our partner and vice versa leads to relationship sustainability.
Our nervous system regulates how calm or excited we are at any given moment. This is our state of arousal. Highly sensitive persons live with a naturally higher state of arousal.
Most of the time, our brain and nervous system respond automatically, without a lot of conscious thought, particularly if we are under stress. Our nervous systems are especially wired to notice any threats in our environment. For our survival, threats register stronger in our nervous systems than positive or loving behavior do. Originally, our nervous systems focused on protecting us from dangerous predators, but since we have evolved to the point of minimal danger of being eaten by a tiger, our brains now focus on everyday stress and even our loved ones as potential threats.
Wouldn’t it be better if our partners were soothers of our arousal system versus threats to it?
TRIGGERS AND RESPONSES
I’ve been triggered into over arousal by such things as tone of voice, driving too fast, or too much negativity from a partner. Now those aren’t exactly life-threatening (well maybe the fast driving was), but my nervous system reacted as if I’d been physically hurt. My fight-or-flight response kicked in. My heart raced, my mouth dried, I spoke slower, I perspired.
Once in a calmer state of mind, I tried to explain to my partner how the perceived threatening behaviors affected me, but my words triggered him into a defensive state of alert. Instead of soothing each other and helping each other relax, we escalated our threat responses.
What I did not know then, was how to not take my lover’s threat reactions personally. I did not understand his responses were wired into him long before me (perhaps from childhood or previous relationships, i.e. attachment issues). I did not recognize his elevated stimulation as an automatic response. It simply felt like danger and discomfort to me. I protected myself instead of working harder to soothe him.
The Quiet Rise of Introverts Page 15