I was dependent on my family, but they were not 100% there. I did not have complete security in childhood, which is not unusual. Only a little more than 50% of us report having secure upbringings. My mom was mostly security and steadiness as a parent but not as an adult. She needed more safety and security in her life. She herself was often not well-resourced. My dad, with his doting parents (my doting grandparents), supportive wife, meaningful work, curiosity, and exciting passions, modeled a well-resourced adult.
I could not completely rely on my parents to provide financial and emotional support so I learned how to be self-reliant in those areas. I could count on myself. Thanks to my dad, I also had the sense that most people were good and will help if you ask. I had experienced the closeness and cohesiveness of a small town. I had enough intelligence and gumption (thanks to my primarily positive childhood and curiosity) to strike out into the world.
If we feel safe, it is easier to leave our secure home base and explore the world. We know we have reliable care waiting for us when we return. It is easier to move into the independent stage.
INDEPENDENT
“Two people can experience the same level of anxiety, he said, but one who has interesting work to distract her from the jittery feelings might do fine, while another who has just lost his job spends all day at home fretting and might be quicker to reach a point where the thrum becomes overwhelming. It’s all in the context, the interpretation, the ability to divert your attention from the knot in your gut.“ —Jerome Kagan, Psychologist
In the independent stage, we shift our focus to an “I” driven life. We are in charge and create our own identity. We move away mentally and/or physically from our family of origin. We build trust in our own abilities through repetition, mastery, and self-discipline. We cultivate self-awareness through self-reflection and time in solitude. We seek to understand who we are and what we have to offer.
We have to learn how to calm ourselves. As dependent people, we relied solely on others to help us feel balanced and secure. As more independent individuals, we dig deep into self-awareness. Where do we feel most at home? Where do we feel most alive? What makes us anxious? What soothes our soul? Who makes our lives better? What comes easily to us?
We pay attention to our internal cues. Because we’ve experienced a sensitive nervous system our whole life, we develop coping mechanisms and ways to move to more moderate reactivity. We know it is more comfortable to be calm.
As introverts, we learn solitude soothes our frayed, over-socialized nerves. Solitary exercise or meditation also restore our energy. Noticing our strong emotions and labeling them allays their power. Remembering people who offered nurturing and a calm presence in the past helps us soothe ourselves in the present.
We figure out what to do for a living and how to align it with our values and skills. We harness our ability to deeply concentrate and delve into the flow of work that includes just the right amount of challenge and skill. We express ourselves. We refine and define ourselves through self-discipline. We increase our trust in our own ability to make it in the meritocratic, careerist society.
We spearhead our lives. We collect experiences, and make ourselves more interesting and better fits for whatever environment beckons us and gives us a sense of identity.
I felt bold and independent when living in Chicago on my own after college. I saw each step, whether it was a move to a huge city or employment in corporate America, as a way to etch out my identity and make me more valued and interesting. Cosmopolitan cities and corporate work made me feel sophisticated and accepted. I had friends at work and in the city. My mom visited every few months, and we talked weekly on the phone. I had my family’s moral support from back home, but mostly I was on my own. I was making my life up as I went along. I learned enough self-discipline to succeed at my job, keep my apartment clean, and get me to the gym a few times a week. Self-mastery still eluded me. I had not stumbled on what truly made me tick.
I was still dependent on society’s approval. I was on my own financially and physically, but I filled emotional holes with other people’s ideas. I married a good man a few years into my post-college independence phase. Even my marriage partner choice was influenced by other people’s opinions. My mom’s lifelong search for security from others influenced my choice of a solid, stable family man. Once in the marriage, I deferred to my husband’s decision-making to set up our future lives together.
Toward the end of the marriage, I began to truly awaken and sense independence. I stopped depending on my husband to guide me and sought my own feeling of home. I began writing. I met kind, non-meritocratic friends, who liked me for me. I found independence through work I deeply valued and safe friends. I had a secure home base, from which to venture, but it was not my real home base. My marriage was not a safe place. We did not support each other and provide the kind of reassurance that makes us feel secure. Neither of us completely or consistently dropped our guard. I had learned as a child to not do that. I always worried my sister would have taken advantage of it. I subconsciously thought my husband would do the same thing.
My husband and I had strong intentions to make the kids feel safe. We put the kids and work first and each other last. Without love and reassurance, child-rearing was stressful and the marriage was empty.
I was independent but desperately wanted connection and safety.
INTERDEPENDENT
According to The New York Times columnist David Brooks, trust is habitual reciprocity that becomes coated with emotion. We slowly learn we can rely on each other through consistent communication and cooperation. As mentioned above, trust and safety are cornerstones of security.
Trust and safety within a relationship free up resources. We do not have to use energy to worry about the viability of the relationship. We do not have to worry about being judged and rejected or abandoned. We can be ourselves. Once we have an authentic identity established, we can move among all different kinds of people without feeling threatened. We become more psychically whole, as Jung said.
Later in life, toward the end of my marriage, I reached out to my dad and stepmom. They were there for me. They were tremendous emotional support as my marriage ended and my single life began. I know psychologically that did a lot for my security. My mom and I continued to talk frequently. We both needed that close connection. I felt supported.
The eventual decline of my mother’s health brought my sister and me together as a team. We had to work through physical, emotional, and spiritual adversity together. I needed more time alone to process and recharge than she did. She needed more activity and interaction than I did. But that was OK. I was able to manage my emotions better than in the past. She was able to show hers more. We both had grown and changed over the years.
We both were so exhausted that our guards naturally dropped. We grew closer because of it. Vulnerability connects. We helped and collaborated with each other instead of competing. We found meaning in the obstacles.
When we are well-resourced and authentic within a relationship, we create new positive neural pathways in our brain. We can explore the world and return home to safety. In interdependence we provide security for others too.
I recently attended a birthday party for my boyfriend’s father. I enjoyed moving about the room speaking with his various relatives—men and women of all ages, some of whom I’d never met. Periodically, my boyfriend would join me by my side and put his hand on my back or ask if I wanted a drink. In between talking with others, I would join him where he was and touch his arm or take his hand. The consistent responsiveness buoyed my social skills and comfort. I believe I made him feel secure as well.
MATURITY
One point I would like to make is that just because we have energy and are well-resourced, this does not mean we should do everything presented to us. We have to make sure others, like our children and partners, are secure too. This is a sign of matur
ity. As Stephen Covey said, maturity = courage + consideration. Even though we have the courage to be ourselves and take on new situations, it does not mean we can neglect others.
I recently experienced a situation where I had to put this kind of maturity into practice. I had been feeling very full and secure in my work and relationships. I had made good progress on this book. I felt like I was serving my clients well. My partner and I were deepening our relationship and my relationships with my children felt solid.
My church came to me and asked me to consider sitting on the board of trustees. My initial reaction was to leap at the opportunity. I wanted to give back to the church and I love that kind of visionary work. I looked into the actual hours of commitment that came with the position. It was a three-year commitment. I would have to switch parenting nights (complicated) with my ex-husband to avoid conflict with the church board monthly meeting. I have a college tour or two with my oldest son planned for the upcoming year. My daughter’s dance class is on the meeting night. I wanted to give the church my dedicated attention in that role as well.
In the end, I decided to keep the kids’ schedule stable and uncomplicated. I considered the position, my family, and my energy levels (still an introvert). I decided the mature thing would be to decline. I can do it in later years when the kids are gone.
I have finally found a balance between my inner life and my outer relationships. I have found and made relationships my sensitivity can rest in. They provide reassurance and the proper challenges to make me grow. The secret and missing piece for me was to let my partner, kids and clients rest and feel safe too. Gaining that wisdom moved me a little closer to maturity. I still have so much to learn and practice.
The above is my redemptive or restorative narrative. It is how I reconcile my past with my present and create a coherent story that influences my future in a positive way. I use the story to see the pattern of struggle and harmony, struggle and harmony. I see the benefits of learning from past wounds. I feel more secure in my ability to survive the obstacles in relationships and cultivate a safe harbor for my companions.
My hope is that the eight practices in this book help you develop your own redemptive story. May they also help you find and create safety and trust within relationships.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Many special people made this book possible. I am forever grateful.
To Bryce, Josh, and Anna for our lively kitchen discussions and your honest feedback. I love you and your beautiful different perspectives.
To Mom, I wish you were here to see this. Thank you for your consistent love, care, and devotion. It made me stronger.
To Dad and Jan, for showing me life’s an adventure you must embrace. Also thank you for providing emotional support and a relaxing place to retreat to when life gets overwhelming.
To Jeff, for teaching me so many things, from financial responsibility to the importance of family connection. I learned many things from our relationship. Thank you. Thank you also for being a consistent and loving father to our children.
To Lisa, for challenging me, being an inspiration for this book, and the great friend Grandma K. always said you’d be.
To Mark, for your enthusiasm and support. I rest and recharge in your reassurance. You’re the best, truly.
To Hugo, part for being a non-intimidating but discerning and motivating editor. Your comments and suggestions provided the perfect feedback. Thank you for pushing me just the right amount.
To Michael D., Mike G. and Roxanne S. thank you for championing me. You started the ball rolling.
To Brenda Ueland, although you’ve left this Earth, your writing continues to inspire. It changed me.
To my loving and supportive readers, you make all the difference. Your responses fill me up and make me feel like I belong. Your understanding is priceless. You inspire me. I hope to give as much to you.
AUTHOR BIO
Brenda Knowles is the creator, writer, and the personal and relationship coach of BrendaKnowles.com. She coaches and empowers introverts and highly sensitive people as they process transitions and navigate relationships. Brenda is best known for her blog, space2live. Brenda emphasizes the importance of relationships, connection, curiosity, empathy and personal evolution. She trained in family mediation, works as a substitute special education paraprofessional and is a Myers–Briggs practitioner. She lives in Minnesota with her three children.
Contact her through brendaknowles.com.
NOTES
1.“How Can You Tell If You Have Anxiety?”,
Quickanddirtytips.com, Robert Lamberts, MD, accessed May 15, 2017, http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/health-fitness/mens-health/how-can-you-tell-if-you-have-anxiety.
2.Dr. Alex Korb, The Upward Spiral, (Oakland, CA, New Harbinger Publications, Inc., 2015), 164.
3.David Janowsky, Shirley Morter, and Liyi Hong, “Relationship of Myers–Briggs Type Indicator Personality Characteristics Yo Suicidality In Affective Disorder Patients,” September 11, 2001.
4.P.L. Graves, C.B. Thomas, and L.A. Mead, “Familial and Psychological Predictors of Cancer,” Cancer Detection and Prevention 15, no. 1 (1991): 59-64.
5. T.E. Seeman and S. l. Syme, “Social Networks and Coronary Artery Disease: A Comparison of Structure and Function of Social Relations as Predictors of Disease,“ Psychosomatic Medicine 49, no. 4 (1987): 341-54.
6.Truity Dyometrics.
Thank you for reading.
In writing The Quiet Rise of Introverts, Brenda Knowles did her very best to produce the most accurate, well-written and mistake-free book. Yet, as with all things human (and certainly with books), mistakes are inevitable. Despite Brenda’s and the publisher’s best efforts at proofreading and editing, some number of errors will emerge as the book is read by more and more people.
We ask for your help in producing a more perfect book by sending us any errors you discover at [email protected]. We will strive to correct these errors in future editions of this book. Thank you in advance for your help.
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