I was confused about everything that happened in the tree house between me and Christine. I was hurting from my father’s death. I wanted to be alone and to find things that weren’t related to my personal life. I started to escape more and more into comedy and writing.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was shutting Christine out by doing the comedy. She had no interest in it, even when I tried to share it with her. She didn’t understand my fascination with it. I started spending more time with Melinda because she was interested in it. That drove a little wedge between me and Christine. I had the feeling she was becoming jealous of Melinda, which I considered a good thing. If Christine was jealous, then it meant that she still cared about me in a romantic way. I didn’t know how to deal with this jealousy, but it still seemed logical that it should be a good thing, even if I couldn’t sense of it.
Since being diagnosed with autism, I have learned a lot from the fictional characters that would probably be diagnosed with Asperger’s, too. Among these are Batman/Bruce Wayne. I had gotten into Batman before my father died. After he died, I developed my rules for living a life that my father would be proud of. I didn’t write down these rules or even mentally acknowledge that they existed, but I spent the rest of my teenage years living by these rules.
There were rules about how far I would go with Christine. I think Christine knew it and my mother knew it. My mother allowed me to spend the night at Christine’s house because she knew I wasn’t going to violate my own rules, even though my mother probably thought having sex would be good for me and Christine. And Christine knew she would have to outthink me and push me to the very brink with what I wanted to do, even it violated my own rules.
There is a part of me that would regret some of those years of my life. It took me away from a relationship with Christine. On the other hand, I spent my time alone in my own personal Batcave and became the man I am today. I took all of my confusion, hurt, and anger and turned it into the career I have today.
A Strange Interlude
Arthur Hodgekins has been one of my best friends since kindergarten. I have told that man things that only guys tell other guys. I would trust him with my life. I think it is only fair that he should write a part of my autobiography. I had to pay him to do so. I made him read everything else that everybody else wrote and write his version of it. If this seems out of order, that’s the reason. So here it is…
Jack and I have been friends since kindergarten. The man is neurotic and messed up in ways that you would not believe. He was messed up long before his father ever died. He is also probably the greatest human being I have ever met.
Since he is paying me to write my feelings on his life and has told me not to hold back, I will start off by saying that I have never liked Christine. I have never understood what he a saw in her. I mean, she is attractive. But she is that kind of attractive where the girl knows that she is attractive. It’s not a natural beauty. And her attitude ruins anything that might make her physically attractive. I even thought she was a bitch when we were kids. Jack jokes that I thought she was a bitch before I knew that there was a term for women like her.
I never understood why he kept coming back to her. The way that she treated him has always been terrible. And he didn’t love her as a child. He had a crush on her. She treated him like a doormat. She was a princess. He was her manservant. Even back then, she was screwing with his mind. I don’t agree with anything that was written in chapter two. Well, I do agree that Jack was a bit stalkerish. I think he still is. Their relationship is not healthy. It never has been. Jack just usually gets what he wants. He wanted Christine. He got her.
I do admit that there was an awkward silence after the milk incident. I did what every guy should do for his friends. I acted like it didn’t happen and then put the girl down. I have been doing that ever since. I have had to do it a lot with Jack over the years. You would think that the man would have had enough at some point and just dump the girl. He’s better than that. He could have any other girl. She is just an obsession with him. So if anybody is reading this and thinking that it is a love story, you are pretty f’ed up yourself.
Their relationship didn’t improve any during their teen years. It just got more disturbing. You’re going to be hearing stories of jealousy and betrayal. Christine has dated a large portion of the school. She started with the senior class and worked her way down through the grades. She was seeing an 18 year-old when she was 15. She has a reputation as the biggest cock tease in the school.
What makes all of this worse is that Jack enjoys it in that sick way of his. I think they fight to make up. She makes him jealous to get him to release some passion.
I’m not sure what that passion is exactly. Jack never talked about what happened that night in the tree house. Guy code dictates that if you are a horny bastard and get to see a girl naked before the rest of your friends, you have to tell them what girls are like. It’s a bragging thing. He never said a word. He got into his “feelings”. Who does that, except Jack? He could have her and brag about it to the school, and he doesn’t.
The only time I have ever seen him not be jealous over one of the guys that she was dating was with this one guy that used to hit her. I have been told that I can’t use his name. It has always been something that has been left not really talked about with them.
Christine was dating him to get back at Jack. That was her way. Any guy that had typical male attributes or was deemed a better man than Jack was the type that she would go out with. I think this has always had to do with Christine and her father insinuating that Jack was gay. The guy is thin and doesn’t enjoy sports. But he is one of the horniest and most perverted guys that you will ever meet. His biggest sexual perversion is his obsession with Christine. The only way that he could be gay would be if she had a pair. That wouldn’t really surprise me.
Anyway, this guy would hit Christine. He was on the baseball team. He was the star of the team and took our school to the state championship. It was the only time that I ever saw Jack get mad. He couldn’t get Christine to understand his anger. There was a righteous anger about him.
It was the only time I ever saw Jack drop the charade with her and tell her exactly how he felt about her. He couldn’t get her to understand the depth of his love for her. He took her getting abused as a personal sin against himself. I have never seen him fight so hard for anything.
He appealed to her father. He just acted like she probably had it coming. Plus, he liked the boy. So what if he hit Christine?
And it was the only time I have ever seen Christine take anything off of a man. Usually she is more than any man can handle. That is how she has gotten the reputation that she has.
She finally broke up with him right around the time of the Super Bowl. Jack was over at her house for the Super Bowl.
They were sitting on the couch talking and having a good time. Her boyfriend was having fun with the other guys, including Christine’s father. He then told Christine to get him something. She was too busy with Jack to really pay attention to him. A fight ensued. The boyfriend was going to hit Christine. Jack said that if he laid one finger on her that he would have him in jail for the rest of his life.
There was some pushing back and forth. Then the fists started flying. Jack landed a few good ones, considering that he was smaller. He would get knocked down, but he kept getting back up. He is a small guy, but you can not beat him until you break his spirit. When he is fighting for something that he believes in, you can never break his spirit.
I don’t think the fight would have ever ended, except that Christine got hit trying to break them up. At that point, Jack stopped everything to make sure that she was okay. Both sides just kind of called it off.
The fight resumed later at school. They were playing baseball in gym. The boyfriend threw a pitch at Jack’s head. It was very intentional. He then struck Jack out and called him a few names. Christine came up to bat after that. There were a few taunts between her
and her boyfriend. She then hit a line drive into the man’s crotch, which I have to give her credit for. It was some nice hitting.
She hit him so hard that he was actually throwing up in the gym, which I didn’t know could happen. She just kept rounding the bases. As she came home, she turned to him and said, “And by the way, we’re through.” She then stepped on the bag. Rumors were that the guy had to go to the doctor to get one of his testicles to drop back down. It has never been proven.
Jack and Christine still did not get together after that. I don’t know why. Jack told her exactly how her felt about her.
She admitted to feeling the same way. Jack said that it was because she wasn’t ready for a relationship. I don’t know if he cared really. I think he was just happier that she had broken up with the guy.
Somebody else probably came between them again and kept them apart for the next few years. This guy was the only one that really caused any problems between them. I don’t know anything about it really. It is the one time Jack didn’t talk to me about it.
Jack has always said that for a comedian, he has bad timing when it comes to love. They never could get together in a natural way. It took Melinda to get them together.
Melinda would have been a better fit for him. I don’t think he loved her in the classic sense. She adored him. He had no idea. Melinda just fit in with his friends, family, and beliefs.
Jack and Christine are complete opposites. There is nothing to bring them together. I would never put them together as a couple. Christine is the princess. Jack is the class clown/nerd. I think he knows it.
Since they have actually been a couple, I do have to admit that she is starting to grow on me. I have seen some things that make me think she is not so bad for him. He seems happy.
Oh, I still think she is a bitch, but she is a bitch that is growing on me. And she makes him happy. Who am I to judge?
Christine and I do not discuss the incident with the abuse. You will find very little mention of it in this book. It was one of the more painful moments of my life. I would rather go through my father’s death again than to go through that part of my life.
I have talked to Christine and decided to put a brief explanation of that period of our lives here. I will keep it as detached as possible. It is not a time I want to revisit.
Christine was dating the star athlete of the school. He was exceptionally good at baseball. There was a great hope that he would turn pro. He had much attention in the state anyway. Our society has a way of idolizing people with athletic ability. The man could get away with murder because of the possibility of what he could become.
We were about fourteen at the time they started dating. The guy was slightly older. He was quite a catch for Christine. The first few months that they dated were okay. The abuse didn’t start until about the third month.
It was slight in the beginning. He would grab her and tell her to do stuff forcibly. She made an excuse for it saying that she deserved it because she should have done what he told her to do sooner. The actual hitting came later.
As they started to become more familiar with each other, their personalities started to really get revealed. Their masks were coming off. Christine’s mouth lost its filter, and her spit fire personality came into conflict with the arrogant prick’s asshole nature. (That is just an accurate description of the man and not what I think of him. If it were what I thought of him, I would not be able to print it. That defeats the purpose of me writing.)
Anyway, they came into conflict. The abuse became more pronounced. She continued to make excuses for it. She always told me that she had it coming. She had done this or that.
I tried to get her to see that she didn’t deserve it. When I couldn’t convince her, I went to her father. He only saw a future son-in-law. He also went with the line that she probably had it coming and should have smacked her around some as a child so that she would be a better person today.
I continued to try to reason with her. After the fight broke out at the Super Bowl party, I told her exactly how I felt about her. I didn’t spare any emotion. I told her everything that I felt for her. And like the time in kindergarten, she totally rejected me. But as she rejected me this time, she comforted me. We spent the night together that night. We just held each other. That would be the first time that we would do this. It is what started that phase of our relationship.
Then came the incident at school. I don’t know why his picking on me at school would cause her to break up with him. I have never understood that about her. She has always protected me and defended me.
On our first official date as a couple, we had a fight. I wasn’t really speaking to her that night. We were dancing, but I was lost in myself. Then her ex-boyfriend came up and hit me. Well, he wasn’t actually her ex-boyfriend at the time. She had kind of forgotten to tell him that they were no longer dating.
Anyway, I am lying on the ground after he hit me and getting ready to fight him. She signals for me to stay there. She then starts to seduce him. As she does this, she slips her hand down his pants and takes the bull by the horn, so to speak. Her iron claw was not released until he understood that they were no longer a couple.
I don’t know how she goes from being away from me to fighting for me. She just has a way of handling a man.
Arthur said something about me having a righteous anger about her getting abused as if it were a sin against me. I love Christine. Nothing pains me more than to see her harmed. That is why I would rather go through my father’s death again than to see her getting abused. My father’s death didn’t destroy the core of my being. It was a loss. The bruises on Christine destroyed my soul.
I can’t explain it. How do you put into words a love so deep that you care more about another person than yourself? I love her more than life itself. I would die for her if I had to.
She hurt me more by taking the abuse than by any time that she ever rejected me. The rejection I could take. The abuse was a knife in the heart.
It’s kind of like when we are alone and she tells me that she is ugly or fat. I tell her how beautiful she is. I can’t get it through to her. It is like she doesn’t hear me. No matter what I say, she doesn’t hear me. It tears me apart. It kills me to see who I love most hate herself so much.
~~~
Sometimes I just feel fat or ugly. He doesn’t need to tell me how beautiful I am. I mean, it’s nice, but he doesn’t need to argue with me. I just want him to listen to how I feel. He acts like he is an expert on my body. If he says I’m beautiful, then I should feel beautiful.
And I don’t know why it hurts him so. This one time in bed, I told him that I hated my body. He then asked me what I hated most about myself. I told him something. I don’t even remember now. You can probably ask him to find out.
So he tells me that this body part is going to be the part that he loves most about me. He loves even what I hate most about myself. So he doesn’t love my eyes, smile, or one of my sexy body parts. He loves some stupid part that I hate. It is probably my appendix.
~~~
Okay. Do you think I am entirely happy with my body? I know that I do not stack up to the other guys that you have dated. Do you think that I like to be shirtless or naked around you when I know that I am not handsome?
I just feel comfortable that way with you. It’s a natural state for me. I wish I knew that I turned you on. Girls have it so easy. They know when they turn on a man. Men never really know when a woman is aroused by them.
~~~
I love your body. You are the hottest guy that I have ever dated. There is just something about you. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s that I know your body is completely mine.
I don’t know. You aren’t the most muscular man, but I love resting my head on your chest and having your arms around me. It’s warm and inviting while being safe and comforting. And it’s the smell of your skin. It’s the sound of your voice as you talk to me. It sounds different when I hear it with my head on your c
hest.
So don’t be telling me that you wish you knew that I turned on. How many times do I have to say that I want your [censored]? Would I be saying that if you didn’t turn me on?
The fact is, Jack Allen Gynapsy, that you make me [censored]. I get [censored]. And I would love for you to take your [censored]. And [censored]. And [censored]. [Censored]. [Censored]. And to top it off, [censored].
I would just like for you to tell me that I’m beautiful and not in a sweet way. How does my body compare to other women’s? Am I better looking than she is? It’s not enough that you love me and my body. I need to know that I am better looking than every woman that you have ever seen.
~~~
Nice, Christine. Do you know that I just took a page of erotic literature and censored it down to a paragraph?
~~~
It doesn’t really surprise me. Whenever I give you a hard copy of anything, you always make it soft.
~~~
Do you have any idea how hard that is to do? I get turned on by your smile, a wink of an eye, the raising of an eyebrow. I get turned on by the mole on your left shoulder, the scar on your right knee from when we were seven and riding our bikes. That’s not talking about what some of your other body parts do to me.
And if you want to talk about other women, you ruined my first Playboy experience. Arthur found a copy that his dad had hidden. It was supposed to be one of the greatest experiences in my adolescent life, and I found it boring because the women didn’t compare to you. I didn’t even enjoy the articles.
So you can talk about me getting turned on by your appendix, but I would make love to your appendix if I could reach it. I am more than willing to try if you are.
And incidentally, it was your inner thighs that you hated most. You thought they were flabby. And if you remember correctly, I said, “[Censored]”. And you were like [censored]. And I [censored]. Then you [censored]. And we [censored].
So I don’t want to hear about me being sweet and just telling you something that I thought you wanted to hear.
Life Begins Page 5