When Melinda handed him over to me, she made me promise that I would never break his heart. She said, and he has even hinted at it, that I was what made him care about humanity. Without me, Jack will set himself up as a god, a person who comments on the behavior of humans, but who is removed from them.
I have broken his heart many times before. When I do it in a few months, it will be no different. He will get over it in time. I know the greatness in Jack. He will recover and learn to love again.
And with that, I know what I have to do. This next part will be for Jack. I don't expect him to read it anytime soon, but in a few years, he will read it. He is bound now by a promise. Once I leave him, and he has gotten over the heartache, I think he will read this. He has always treasured every moment that I have given him, even if I created a memory that hurt. This will just be one more bad memory to remember me by. Looking back on our lives, I don't think either one of us would expect anything different from me.
My Dearest Jack,
As I am writing this, I am enjoying the warmth of your love. We have been together now for nine months. I am looking forward to our first Thanksgiving together. I have never had a Thanksgiving where the people seated around the table actually liked each other. It will be nice to know that everything I have seen on TV and in the movies has not been a complete lie. Thank you for showing me that a loving family life is possible.
As I look at the coming months, I am excited for Christmas. It will be our first together. We will have to celebrate it a little bit early since I usually have to go elsewhere to celebrate with my parents.
I am especially looking forward to my birthday in January. As you know, I will be turning 18. That makes both of us consenting adults. I hope you will take this opportunity to fuck my brains out. I hereby grant you all permission to do so whenever the mood strikes you.
In February, we will be celebrating our one year anniversary. It doesn't seem possible. The time has flown by. Thank you for giving me the most wonderful, beautiful year ever.
The rest of the school year will be spent with us getting ready for graduation. There will also be a few dances to go to. If you have not had sex with me yet, I hope that you will at least take advantage of me at our senior prom. Renting a hotel room would be the perfect ending to a most wonderfully, perfect date. That's not saying that you can't have sex with me before prom. If you still have problems with the morality of it, I would hope that your morals would loosen up by the magic that is prom.
I do not know how much time we will have left after prom. I would guess that we would at least spend the summer together. After that, you are going to college. I will not be following you. We have different paths that we need to follow. I will not have you dragging me along as dead weight.
I am sure that I will be crying when I tell you this in person. I am crying now. And once I am finished writing it, I don't plan on going back and looking at it. I know that I have broken your heart many times over our years together, but this is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do.
Don't take this being hard on me as a sign that I will change my mind. This needs to happen. We can't stay a couple. It's not that I don't love you, or that I wouldn't always love to have you by my side. I can't be what you need me to be in life. I can't change what I was born as.
When we were growing up, your father told us magical stories about our lives. He made you believe that your purpose in life was to save me. Jack, my dearest darling, you have saved me. You just weren't able to save me for yourself.
I owe my very life to you, for which I am thankful. I may not have been born into the greatest family, but I was blessed having grown up with you and your family. Your father was one of the most important people in my life. In many ways, he was more of a father to me than my own father was. Thank you for sharing him with me.
As somebody who knew your father and knows you, I want you to know that he would be very proud of you. I know that you will doubt this, but you shouldn't. There have been so many times during our years together that I have seen your father in you. You have his generous heart, warm, caring personality, and tremendous capacity for putting others before yourself. And as great of a man as your father was, I think that you have taken the lessons that he taught you and became even greater than your teacher at them. That is saying something, Jack Allen Gynapsy. You have no idea how special you are.
I know that you have guilt over your father's death. Don't. It wasn't your fault. You have to let some things go. Know that your father loved you and wanted you live your life to the fullest. Don't be held back by the past. Don't take on the guilt of others. If there is one lesson that you have learned from your father, it was how to forgive others. You have forgiven me more times that I would care to remember. Forgive yourself. You owe yourself and your father that.
And forgive yourself for our breakup. I know that it technically hasn't happened yet, but it will. You have to go on with your life. Know that I treasured every moment I ever spent with you. You were better to me than I deserved. Do not beat yourself up over our breakup. There was nothing that you could have done differently. You were perfect.
I know that you think your purpose in life was to save me. Don't think that because you weren't able to save me for yourself that you didn't save me. You have taught me that human beings are capable of caring for each other. You have taught me that I can be better than what I was born into. You have taught me that I deserve more than a man who abuses me.
How do I thank somebody like you, Jack? You have made me realize that my self-worth doesn't come from my looks, my possessions, or who I am dating. I would have never learned these things if it had not been for you. You have done more for me than I ever deserved.
You taught me the meaning of love and that I was worthy of being loved. I know that I wasn't the greatest student when you were trying to teach me these things, but your love for me gave you more patience for me than I deserved.
By leaving you, I don't want you to think that I am rejecting you, or that I don't appreciate everything that you have done for me. You looked at your father's life and wondered if he ever regretted getting married instead of pursuing his career. I will not have you regretting me. Since I know that you won't be able to leave me, I'm leaving you. This is for the best, Jack. Deep inside you know this, too.
Oh, God, this is funny. When I was in kindergarten, I rejected you because I didn't want a relationship with you. When we were teenagers, I rejected you because you offered your body to me as a sacrifice, when all I really wanted from you was the relationship you had always been offering me. Now that you have made me the happiest I have ever been and happier than I ever thought I would be, I have to give you up because you need something more out of life than what I can give. Be proud of yourself, Jack. You have taken one of the most selfish people in the world and taught them to love sacrificially.
Know that I love you. Know that I have always loved you and that I will always love you. Don't ever doubt that.
Know also that as I am leaving you, I will be taking with me everything that you have taught me. Know that I will be taking all of the love you have ever given to me with me. I know that I can't expect to find another love like you. I was blessed beyond all reason with the time that I was given with you. No matter who I marry, I will always have a special place in my heart for you. That man and my children will benefit from the love that you have shared with me.
When Melinda sold you out to me, she warned me that if I ever left you, your heart would shrink. She thought you would turn into some sort of Grinch. Don't let that happen, Jack. It may not comfort you now, but you know the secret to life. I don't know if you know that you know this or not, but your whole belief system is based on some foolish notion that love makes the world go round. It was never a question of how much you love, or how much you are loved in return. You somehow know that love is not some fixed quantity. For some strange reason, the more you share it with other people, the more you have
to share.
I know that you may not find comfort in me sharing the love you have shared with me with another man, but it was never your love to begin with, Jack. The love you shared with me was the love that your father shared with you, which was the love that was shared with him from somebody else. In the end, the love you shared with me was really the love that that being you called God shared with humans. It was never originally your love, Jack.
Do you see now that you have saved me, Jack? I'm not going to say that I'm going to be a religious fanatic or anything. I doubt that I will even go to church, but you at least won't have to worry about my soul. You have saved me in more ways than you could ever know.
I hope this comforts you. I know that you will go through a rough spell after I am gone. I know you, Jack. I know how I can hurt you. Don't stop believing in love. Don't stop sharing your love. If you horde it as a miser, you will only end up missing the joy of whatever woman comes into your life. I know that it is hard to believe, but I'm sure that some woman out there will love you in a way that I never could. I hope that you are open to finding that woman. And if I ever find out that she has mistreated you in any way, I will kick her fucking ass so hard. Nobody is allowed to hurt you, except me. I've gotten quite good at it the past eighteen years.
Okay. I'm going to end this now. I could write to you forever knowing that this will be the last thing that you will have to remember me by. Just don't change, Jack. I know that you are a dreamer. Just because I am leaving you, don't think that you have to stop dreaming. It's been your dreams that have made me see that something beautiful can still exist in this world. You are the only person who could see a child being born from the disaster that was my parents' marriage as the most amazing event to have ever occurred. Don't let that part of you die, Jack. If you can't do this for yourself, do it for me.
I love you, Jack Allen Gynapsy. I always have. I'm sorry I never told you, except here at the end.
With love forever and always,
Christine Parnelle Robinson
Chapter Seven ½
Pandora’s Box
I figured that since Christine has decided to write her own section that I couldn’t read that I would do the same. There has been some stuff that I wanted to say. I just haven’t taken the time. It was too hard with Christine right there. I didn’t want her think less of me. Sometimes it is best to not reveal something, even if it is what you feel. Guys and girls have to play games to keep the real game going. Even with our Constitution, I’m not about to reveal to Christine what you are about to read.
Much has been said about my shoebox of memories. I can’t deny having such a shoebox. I have admitted to as much throughout the book. I have never actually told anybody the contents of that box. If you want to know about my life, you have to understand everything that is in this box.
I know that you already know about the napkin I kept from the chocolate milk rejection in kindergarten. You also know about the hospital bracelet that I dug out of the trash after Christine had fallen out of the tree house. I think everybody thinks that I have kept this stuff because it allows me to look at the bad and the good of my relationship with Christine. That’s not really the reason. I mean, it is part of it, but there is more to it than that.
Memories fade. I can’t ever preserve them like I can a physical object. I need to collect parts of the past that I know are important in my story with Christine. When my memory starts to go, I need to have these physical reminders of what once was so that I can try to bring the story back to a version that is close to what really happened. What I have collected are not single memories, but objects that bring up thoughts and feelings of my life with Christine that photographs and videos just can’t capture.
I mean, look at the hospital bracelet from when she broke her arm. I didn’t want it just because it showed that she wanted me with her after she had rejected me in kindergarten. That is only part of it. The rest of it has to do with how I remember how I was worried about her after she had fallen and was in great pain. There was nothing that I could do. I saw the one person I loved more than anything else in this world suffering. And I was helpless. I don’t ever want to go through that feeling again.
I know that there will come a day when either Christine or I will have to die. Our bodies can not last forever. I know that death, pain, and illness are part of life. This bracelet helps to remind me how precious life is. There is pain and a feeling of being helpless associated with this bracelet. Christine doesn’t know that.
She also doesn’t know that I associate other good things with this bracelet. I can’t look at it and not think about the tree house and how we played there as children. Since I can’t put an object like the tree house in a box, I have to put things that remind me of it in there. The bracelet reminds me of her fall and how after that, I always followed her up the tree house. I figured that if she fell again that I could break her fall this time. I would rather break one of my bones than to see her go through pain again.
And to be completely honest, I have to say that my memories of the tree house and the bracelet are not entirely virtuous and noble. It also reminds me of how I would look up her dress as she was going up the tree house. Before you judge me for that, you must remember that I am a man. Even if I love a woman, I am still going want to do perverted things with her. The perversion of men has kept the human race from becoming extinct. I’m not going to apologize for finding the woman I love attractive. It’s perfectly normal that I should want to have sex with her or get turned on by her, even while I am trying to make sure that she doesn’t get hurt. Guys may not be able to achieve great depths of emotions, but we are able to think about sex while doing everything else. That has to count for something.
Do you know that sometimes when I am fighting with Christine that I get distracted? She can be really mad at me for something that I didn’t say or do, or something that I did say or did. I’m trying to pay attention to her so that I don’t do whatever I did wrong again. Sometimes it’s hard. We can be having a terrible fight. She can then bend over to pick up something to throw at me. As she is doing this, I get a nice view of cleavage. The next thing I know, I am over by her, holding her and kissing her. I know that I should be thinking about what she is saying. It’s just that sometimes, even in the middle of a fight, you still see the person that you love. The fight no longer becomes important.
I think this is one of the things I do that really pisses Christine off. She really wants to be mad at me, but she can’t really be mad at me when I start touching her a certain way. I think she thinks I do this just to get her to shut up. I just can’t help myself. And it’s not like we don’t discuss what we were fighting about later. Sometimes it is just better to talk about serious issues when you are half-naked, completely naked, or on your way to becoming naked.
We once had a fight in the shower. It was right before we had actually gotten together. I had spent the night with her, which was not unusual for us. In the morning, she wanted to make breakfast for me before we went shopping for clothes. I tried to resist her. I told her that I didn’t have clothes at her place. She then told me that she had plenty of my clothes that she had borrowed over the years, which she had. I might as well lose my virginity to her. I’ve already lost half of my clothes to her. I don’t mean that. That was just a random joke that I thought of.
Anyway, she had clothes of mine, except underwear. I was going to use this as a reason why I should leave. She then goes to the closet and pulls out a box wrapped in hearts and stuff. It was part of my Valentine’s Day presents, even though we weren’t a couple. She told me that I could have it early since I was in need of them. It was a pair of boxer shorts.
She has been trying to get me to wear boxers for a while now. She knows that I don’t like how they feel. I don’t like to just be flopping around down there. The boxer-brief is the only way to go. You get the comfort of the boxer with the support of the brief. It’s perfect. She seems to think this will somehow
harm my goods and that I need the freedom of the boxers. She says that it is because she cares about my penal health, even if I don’t. She also uses this as a reason to check me for testicular cancer every few months. She fills up the bath tub with warm water. We soak in there for a little bit. She then gives me a screening. I would object to such things, but I can’t really find a logical reason to do so.
Anyway, now that I had underwear, I couldn’t find a reason to not have breakfast with her before going shopping, until I felt the stubble on my face. I told her that I would have to go home and shave. Um… We ended up… She ended up shaving me that morning. When she finished with that, she then asked me to shave her legs for her. She then left me to shower while she made breakfast. I ended up taking a cold shower. It’s not that I meant to. Christine kind of got in the shower with me and started to molest me. The only way to get her out of there was to turn on the cold water.
It was before we were a couple. There was a lot of sexual tension. And sometimes Christine just pounces on you in a dirty sexual way. She makes you feel like she is just using you. I have generally tried to avoid making her feel that way, even when I was really horny.
The point is that Christine and I have had a lot of fights naked. I also have the disposable razor that Christine used to shave me with that morning. It still smells like the girly shaving cream she used on me. I told her that it had better not make me smell like a girl. She said that it wouldn’t. It would just make my head smell like it had been between her legs all night. I do love that woman, even when she is terrible.
So you see, I can spend hours with my little shoebox and going over all of the memories. It doesn’t matter what is going on between me and Christine. The memories that come back to me always bring me clarity.
I don’t know what Christine wrote in the section that I’m not supposed to read. I’m not going to read it. I promised her that I wouldn’t. I know that she has been a little weird lately. She keeps telling me that we may not be together after high school. She says that she just wants to open me up the possibility that things will be changing.
Life Begins Page 15