by Renee Porter
“I wasn’t talking about Jonathan,” Ryan stated. Charlie glanced down at her feet and then chanced a glance back upward at Ryan.
“I know,” she almost whispered. Ryan’s throat suddenly dried and she took a swig of water to try and tempt her body to react normally.
“So what is the movie about?” In a desperate attempt to transfer the conversation into more friendly territory, Ryan moved a fraction of an inch further away from Charlie. She seemed to notice the distraction but didn’t comment on it.
“Right up your alley, actually,” Charlie smiled as they reached the end of the view. She started to jog and Ryan followed in her step.
“What do you mean?”
“It’s about a young woman in the 1950’s who ends up falling in love with an older woman who is having marital troubles.”
Ryan’s eyebrows raised. “So you’re gay for pay?” Ryan tried to joke but she knew that it fell short when Charlie didn’t chuckle. She watched as the brunette bit her lip.
“Something like that.” Ryan knew from Charlie’s tight lipped explanation that she didn’t want to comment on the role. Maybe it was a touchy subject for a straight actress to play gay on screen. It probably opened up a series of rumors that weren’t best for the actress’s image.
“Well, in any case, I’m sure you’ll do great.”
Charlie smiled over at her friend and smiled. “Thanks, Ryan.” Ryan nodded and the two women continued their jog back home in relative silence.
***
“What’s wrong with you?” Jonathan asked as he placed a heavy suitcase by the front door. Charlie looked up at him sharply but just turned away again, not answering his question. “Charlie?” He called after her as he watched her form grab a few smaller luggage pieces from the steps and plop them next to the rest.
“Nothing, Jon.” Charlie sounded frustrated as her small carry on fell off the top of the pile. She kicked it with her foot as she gave out low growl.
“Nothing is wrong, yet you’re deflecting your anger on the poor Loui s e Vuitton?”
Charlie rolled her shoulders. “It’s nothing. I’m just being stupid.”
“About what?” Jonathan grabbed the fallen bag and placed it back on top of the luggage neatly.
“You don’t want to hear it.” Charlie lightly kicked the luggage in front of her and Jon immediately went back in time to a young Charlie throwing a tantrum for not being able to ride the horses at the town fair.
“When have I ever not been interested in something that’s bothering you?”
Charlie raised an eyebrow up in defense. “It’s not about something it’s about someone.” She sighed as she stepped a few feet back into the living room, successfully planting herself down on the side of the large blue couch. She pulled at her shirt as she took a deep breath in.
“Oh, you mean it’s about…”
Charlie shook her head. “I know what you’re going to say, I do. You told me from the start that Ryan was off limits but it’s just- I mean- why does she have to be so…so…” Charlie gritted her teeth.
“Damn perfect?” Jonathan supplied. Charlie huffed.
“I was going to say adorable but yeah, that works too. She’s just so beautiful, and funny and selfless and everything else in between.” Charlie closed her eyes against the stinging of hot tears against her lids. Her emotions were too overwhelming for her to keep in and even more so when said out loud.
“You can’t fall in love with her, Charlie.” Jonathan didn’t say the words as a means to hurt his cousin. In fact, he was protecting her and Ryan. For both of their sakes, it wasn’t meant to be.
“I’m not…she’s just…” Charlie shook her head not knowing where to place her words. She really couldn’t fall in love with Ryan. She knew that the woman had reservations and although she respected that she couldn’t just stop her heart from wanting her.
“You can’t fall in love with Ryan.” Jonathan placed his hand on Charlie’s tense shoulder while reiterating his words.
Charlie looked up finally as tears brimmed her eyes. “Why?” She asked quietly. Jonathan let out a deep breath, not wanting to tell any of Ryan’s trusted secrets. He was sure that Charlie would find out in due time, just not right now.
“Because Ryan is out, Charlotte. Like, really out. Any relationship is stressful enough when there are no secrets but if you start a relationship with her then she’s going to have to hide again. She doesn’t deserve that.”
Jonathan watched as his cousin lolled her head back. “And if I happened to come out, do you think that she would ever date someone like me?”
Jonathan shook his head knowing that she would never come out and knowing that Ryan was still set in not wanting to be with anyone in the business.
“So what do you suggest then? I just bury this deep inside of me and pretend that my feelings for her aren’t growing every second I’m with her?”
“Maybe you should find someone else. Focus on that person instead of Ryan.”
Charlie looked at him with disdain. “You mean find some fling? Find someone who I have no interest in other than sex?”
Jonathan shook his head again. “Or find someone who you are interested in and who doesn’t mind that you’re an actress and hiding her sexuality.” Jonathan rose his eyebrows, challenging Charlie to argue with him. Instead she slumped her shoulders.
“You’re right, I guess. Even if I was out, there wouldn’t be a chance anyway. I just need to distance myself a little bit. Maybe this film is a good thing.” Jonathan noticed the way that Charlie’s throat constricted. He wished that he could tell Charlie to go for it. To ask Ryan out and maybe, just maybe, the two women in his life that he loved would hit it off and live happily ever after. But life isn’t a fairy tale. This wasn’t a movie and Charlie and Ryan weren’t each other’s soul mates.
“It is a good thing. And I promise you, you will find someone who will make you feel the same things you do for Ryan. It just takes time. Just focus on being her friend, Charlie. She really does deserve more.” Charlie opened her mouth to defend herself and Jonathan lifted his hands in surrender. “And I know you can give her so much, but it’s not the life she’s looking for. One day she’ll explain to you why, and you’ll understand it.” Charlie breathed out heavily at his explanation and nodded. At the sound of the knock on the door, she stood, knowing that her car was there to drive her to the airport.
“Will you look after her?” Charlie asked with finality. Jonathan nodded as he watched his cousin make her way to the car. The driver took the luggage and as he closed the door he shook his head. He was doing the right thing. He really was.
Chapter 7
Jonathan sat idly as he watched his best friend push the same pea around her plate for five minutes. He took the time to really take stock of Ryan. She had lost weight that much was obvious. The usual healthy glowing olive skin was pale and her eyes were sunken in. She wasn’t sleeping. She wasn’t her usual happy self and it all seemed to have started when Charlie left.
Jonathan ruminated as the conversation the day Charlie left circled his mind. He had been protecting his cousin from heartbreak and he truly believed that. Ryan had her reasons for not wanting to get involved with anyone whose career was inundated with all things in the entertainment business. And if Charlie pursued Ryan, she eventually would find that out the hard way. Hell, Ryan even made him promise her to not allow her to fall under anyone’s spell like she had Naomi’s. Even if that person happened to be one of the most caring and selfless women that he knew.
He knew that Charlie only thought of her acting as a job and nothing else. She wasn’t the typical celebrity who acted as a diva and thought that she was better than everyone else. No, in fact, she was the opposite. To everyone that knew Charlie well, they didn’t see the celebrity, they just saw the small town girl. But Ryan had made him promise. It was his duty to keep that promise wasn’t it?
“Didn’t your dad ever tell you not to play with your food?” J
onathan had enough of the silence coming from his best friend. He needed something from her, something to let him know that what he was about to do was the right thing.
“Hmm?” Ryan finally glanced her dull green eyes up at him. Their usual sparkle was gone but he knew that she was in there somewhere.
“You’ve been pushing that same pea around your plate for the last five minutes. What’s going on in that head of yours?”
Ryan let out a long breath as she shrugged her shoulders. Jonathan had only seen Ryan like this once before. It was in the few months after they first met and started becoming friends. Ryan had been distant with Jonathan, not allowing him in, but finally he knew that he had to break the hard exterior of her shell. Ryan had been subdued but he managed to get her to talk, only to find out that she had reservations of becoming his friend. And her reasons why were confounded. But Jonathan had promised her that a friendship with him would not bring her fully back into her old life and he had kept that promise. He always keeps his promises.
“Ryan, if you don’t tell me, I can’t help. And if I can’t help then I feel useless and you know I don’t like feeling useless.”
Ryan locked eyes with her best friend and finally she allowed herself to say the words that she had been thinking over the last four weeks.
“Why hasn’t she called me?” Ryan asked. Jonathan didn’t have to know who ‘she’ was. The hurt reflecting in Ryan’s eyes was almost tangible and Jonathan felt guilty for passively putting it there by telling Charlie to give herself space from Ryan.
“She’s really busy, Ryan. She hardly calls me as it is.” Jonathan tried to calm the woman’s racing mind. “You of all people know what it’s like for her.”
Ryan chewed on her bottom lip considering Jonathan’s explanation. “She told me she would call though. Do you think I did something to upset her? I mean, she would call me at work just to find out how my day is going and now…”
Jonathan shook his head. “You didn’t do anything to upset her, Ryan. You have to understand that Charlie has a very strong work ethic and when she’s on location she tends to really get into her character and sort of leaves the real world behind for a while.” Jonathan kicked himself mentally for the half lie. Yes, it was true that Charlie put everything into her current role, but she always found time to make sure she didn’t get pulled out of real life. She had been calling Jonathan everyday every day to let him know how things were going, and although he told Charlie not to pursue Ryan, that didn’t mean he didn’t want Charlie to kick her out of her life forever.
“I can understand that. She just didn’t come off as that type of person that let her career live her life for her. I guess I was wrong with that assumption.” Ryan furrowed her brows as her thoughts took her away. And with that last statement, Jonathan knew that Ryan wasn’t missing Charlie as just a friend. The depressed state that Ryan had been in since Charlie left was more than a tell. Ryan had feelings for Charlie, deeper than just a crush and that was all Jonathan needed to know to get the ball rolling. It was true that Jonathan had always kept his promises, but this time, he thought he would make an exception.
“Well, I’m sure things will return to normal once she is back.”
“That’s two months away,” Ryan said as an afterthought. Jonathan knew that she hadn’t meant to say it aloud but Ryan was too proud to backtrack her statement.
“Actually, she’ll only be there for another week. There was an issue with the filming and it looks like they have to take a hit in the budget to finish up here.”
Jonathan could have sworn that there was a slight sparkle returning to Ryan’s eyes but she hid it well with a shoulder shrug.
“Also, I think I have another prospect on the horizon for you.” Jonathan waited for the immediate ‘no’ to his request to set Ryan up. He already had a plethora of lines to argue back at the denial.
“Okay. Just let me know when and where.”
Jonathan’s eyes widened at the lack of argument. Ryan was definitely feeling down if she didn’t even try to deny the blind date. He wanted to push but instead took the acceptance as a silent gift. Now all he had to do was get Charlie to agree to his idea as well.
***
Charlie sat at a distant table overlooking the Pacific Ocean. She had been back for a few days and had to admit that she had missed the California warmth. As well as a few other things that she didn’t dare think about. She had spent five weeks away from Ryan and tried every day to push down her feelings for the brunette, but after two weeks of filming she realized it was a lost cause. She had promised Jonathan that she would at least try and she did. Even though she had picked up the phone intent to call Ryan a thousand times, she never allowed herself to connect the call. Ryan didn’t need her as a constant in her life. For reasons unbeknownst to Charlie, she didn’t want anything to do with the entertainment business. And although Charlie knew that her job wasn’t what defined her, it was still a large part of her life.
She was still surprised to get a lecture from Jonathan about not having contact with Ryan at all. While she had thought Jonathan wanted her to break off all connection, he in turn told her that he still wanted them to be at least friends. Charlie had wanted to ask why he was so upset but the look in his eyes told her all she needed to know. Ryan was hurt that Charlie hadn’t called. And Charlie didn’t know what to do with that information.
Jonathan had told Charlie to make it right and to at least talk to Ryan now that she was back. But even after three days, she couldn’t muster up the courage to do it. And now she sat at a beautiful restaurant with the water a hand’s breadth away as she waited for Jonathan’s business partner to join her to talk about a possible project. Jonathan had been excited about this prospect and she couldn’t deny him the favor. He was the only family she had left.
But the man she was meeting was late. And Charlie was growing weary that he would ever show. She took out her phone to call Jonathan but instead her fingers had a mind of their own and an angelic voice answered on the second ring.
“Charlie?” Ryan asked hesitantly. Charlie closed her eyes at hearing Ryan’s voice. She knew she had missed the woman but didn’t realize just how much until now.
“Hey, Ryan. How are you?”
“I’m good,” Ryan responded back. She could tell that the woman was driving and she didn’t want to think why Ryan was out and about on a Saturday night instead of at home, reading a book like she usually was. “How are you? Jonathan told me you were back.”
Charlie nodded but realized that her action couldn’t be heard over the line. “Yeah. I got back a few days ago. I’m good, just waiting for someone to show up to a business meeting and decided I’d call you since it’s been a while.”
“Yes, it has.” If Charlie had any reservations that Ryan wouldn’t be upset about her not calling, those reservations fell away at the tone of her voice.
“I’m sorry, for not calling when I was away. I was just really busy.”
“It’s okay. I figured. I understand how crazy it could be on location.” Charlie wanted to ask how she understood, but instead kept her mouth shut.
“So what are you up to?”
Ryan sighed over the phone. “Jonathan set me up again and I, of course, got stuck in traffic.”
Charlie gritted her teeth at the thoughts of Ryan going out on a date. Even though she knew Ryan was rarely ever interested in anyone that Jonathan set her up with, eventually he would have to get the pairing right.
“That sounds fun,” Charlie tried to be supportive.
“What the traffic? Or the date that I’m sure I won’t enjoy.”
“Don’t say that. He’s bound to get it right, isn’t he?”
Ryan hummed over the phone, not sure if Charlie was right in that assumption.
“Well, anyway, I’m pulling up to the restaurant now. It was nice hearing from you.” She was about to let Ryan go when the brunette chimed in again, “Maybe we can get together later this week.” Charlie smil
ed softly at the prospect of seeing Ryan again.
“That sounds great. I would really like that.”
“Good ,” Ryan ,” Ryan hesitated again as if she wanted to say more but instead she said goodbye and hung up.
Ryan pocketed her phone in her purse as she parked and walked toward the restaurant. She wasn’t expecting to hear from Charlie and when she had seen the woman’s name displayed on her car’s navigation screen she nearly declined the call on p for p rinciple. But at the last second she had accepted it, and now she wished she hadn’t.
How was she supposed to have a good time and try to hold a conversation with someone when all she wanted was to talk to Charlie?
“Hi, I’m meeting someone here.” Ryan stated to the hostess as she reached the podium.
“Do you have the name of your party?” The woman asked. Ryan bit her tongue as she chastised Jonathan in his head. He had set up the reservation with the strangest name and she didn’t even want to say it out loud. The hostess waited for her and she finally relented.
“Bullwinkle.”
The woman smiled as she traced her eyes down the list of names. Her eyes widened as she nodded her head and told her to follow her. Ryan shook her own head at the absurdity of it all. He might as well as made it under “Beavis” or rather “Butthead.”
When Ryan stepped out onto the terrace, the smell of the ocean immediately assaulted her senses. It was a cool night, but the heater lamps were on full blast and it made for a comfortable feeling. She followed the hostess through the lines of tables and when they finally ended at the end of the terrace, Ryan sucked in a deep breath and wasn’t sure if she could let it out.
“Here is your table. Your waiter is Michael and he should be out shortly. Enjoy.” The woman left as Ryan stood paralyzed, watching as blue eyes humorously traced her features.